Google Chrome

The new browser is out from google, and it's called google chrome. It looks pretty cool, and I've been seeing it all over the place. The link above has a neat webcomic explaining how it works, and what the point of it is, and why it's better than everything else currently. I'm debating whether or not to grab it, and in the end I most likely will give it a shot. I saw it on three different sites in the last half an hour, which tells me that by tomorrow morning, it'll be all over like white on rice.

I am exhausted. My joints are screaming at me in protest, I think it's the weather swing, but I hurt like hell. And there's nothing I can do about it, which kind of sucks. I need a damn hug, and I flat-out refuse to go and find one, from anyone, because I'm feeling pissy at everyone tonight.

I'm also having trouble breathing because either my asthma is flaring up, or the stupid allergies are being a bastard, either of which sucks. I think I'm just going to eat something and go pass out. I need to go and get milk, and honestly I'm too tired to even care enough to run across the street and get that. And I hate that.

If anyone cares, I'm going to be more or less incommunicado tomorrow, because I have a ton of studying I need to get done, and I need to finish editing some stuff, and so I'll probably have the phones shut down for the majority of the day. Leave messages if it's of dire importance, otherwise just assume I'm tied up working.

G'nite.

Updates to my life

This is what's going on:

Trinette is completely moved out, and I'm working, more or less around the clock. Things are going alright there, it's busy, and it will take some getting used to. She is, as far as I know, settling in at her Mom's place, and she and I are doing fine. Still friends, all is quiet on the western front. Still not sure exactly how I'm going to manage July's rent, but I'm sure that will also get worked out, and it will be fine, and in August, I'll be managing on my own just fine.

All the results are formally back from all the various ultrasounds, not just the uterine one. And I'm not sure how I feel about them.

My kidneys are fine, my pancreas is fine, my heart is fine, my spleen, all fine.

My ovaries? Are not fine. One of them is missing entirely, my right ovary wasn't there. And I know that it was there originally when I had Dana, so sometime between now and then it stopped being there. And the exam that was done was done in two ways, so I know that the tech didn't just "miss" it. It was too thorough for her to miss it. The right ovary is simply gone. About five years ago, there was an issue, and Danny and I think that was when it became gone. I'll leave it at that.

The left ovary? There's a cyst inside of it, that's taking up virtually the entire thing. Chances are that that's why I've been pregnant twice in the last six months, and both times I couldn't sustain them. Chances are that the eggs that are releasing are so badly damaged at this point that they're not even capable of producing a healthy child. They're most likely not sustainable in any fashion that would result in a fully functional child. There's simply not enough space left in my left ovary to produce viable eggs, I don't think.

Which means, in basic English, that chances are it's about that time in my life that my reproductive organs are about to be pulled. If I only have one ovary to begin with, and they're going to take it out, they might as well take everything else too. And then there will be no more babies for me, ever. I've known that since I was about sixteen, that at some point I wouldn't be having all my female bits. But I guess I wasn't quite as well-prepared as I thought.

And I'm hurting. I feel rather like less than useless right now, as a woman in general. I couldn't sustain a baby that I wanted desperately, twice. I don't have Dana. I am just generally completely a failure in general as a mother. And it hurts like hell. And no, there's nothing anything anyone is going to be able to say that is going to take that feeling away and make it better right now. I know that it's not particularly a valid feeling, and I haven't done anything wrong to cause it. But it doesn't much change anything.

Oh, and yes, there are some gallstones, so score one for the doctor who wanted my gallbladder checked. I guess I'll get to take yet another weird pill to cause them to splinter into pieces or whatever. My liver is also enlarged, although they're not sure why. It could be that it's just naturally that way. It might be that the amount of medications I take caused it to become bigger, and it might be a danger to my health because of it. It might be a number of things. Who knows.

Yay for having completely fucked up health, right? Just once, just one time, I'd like to have normal health, and be a normal functional person. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently so.

And now, I'm going to go and play in the pervert pond again, because honestly that's more fun than thinking about anything, and I'd rather sit and entertain the perverts than live my own life right now.

If nobody hears from me for a while, assume that all I'm doing is working, and that I'm fine. I'll blog, and log in and out of MySpace and FaceBook. Don't worry about me.

Love, Crys

Ugh

So tired. I am so freaking tired that it's ridiculous. And I have no idea why, because I was actually feeling halfway decently there for a couple of days. But I rather feel like I got hit by a freight train. All I want to do is go to sleep, which is not an option, as I need to work. Queue the suckage. But I have the Vaio up and working, which is making work a lot more pleasant, because I can sit curled up in the corner on my bed instead of at the desk, which is a lot easier on me, so that's good.

I'm going to go and make a cup of tea, and some toast, and curl up and work now, actually. Probably for the rest of the day. I might put a move on on the other computer to play through headphones to listen to while I work, because that will give me sound to listen to. It's pretty neat, the ability to listen to something else while I work. Yay, multi-tasking.

I hope everybody is doing well.

Dana was in town overnight, she got to visit, there are pictures up on my Myspace if anybody wants to see them. It was good to see her. And my little brother is rapidly turning into a giant, he's freaking six feet tall now. It's ridiculous. The kids need to stop doing that, growing up. It's making me nervous. They're good kids though, and I miss them.

OK, going to make tea and whatnot, and then get to work. Yay, monies. (wanders off singing about money)

Byebye internets.

Still gone

And at the end of the day, I've finally made several decisions. Not that I'm planning on posting a whole lot of detail about them on here. I figure anyone who wants to know what's going on, can call me for information, and I will probably tell them what they need to know.

I'm...calm, sort of. A little more centered. I have that perspective I've been searching for. And distance has helped. I'm going to be all right, in the long run. It's going to take time, and I have enough of that to spare, which is good.

I'm still angry. I'm still hurt. I still feel violated, and alone. And those are all valid feelings. I'm grateful to my friends. Grateful for the people who are helping me through this.

And I'm tired. Truth be told, I'm exhausted. I had a bad night last night. The power went out, I think a transformer blew out? So it was dark. And I had taken some of my medication, the one that causes me to have panic attacks when I take it. So it was dark, and I was alone. And I couldn't reach anyone to talk me down...and it sucked. I don't like being alone when I'm on those meds, and it was bad.

And I was sad, sad to realize that there was no one who would talk to me. Sad to realize that there wasn't anybody at all who was there for me now. Melissa would have gotten up, but she has kids, and things she would've needed to do today. I just wanted a voice on the phone.

I'm going to spend some time working through my feelings for a while, working through a lot of things. That's what I've been doing here. Working through things.

I was shocked to realize that what I thought I wanted back so badly? I don't, not really. I miss my friend, but beyond that? No so much. I don't like being treated like shit. Snapped at just because I happen to be there. I honestly miss my friend. But if I lose that, I can't control it. And I'll learn how to handle it.

I hadn't realized how badly I needed this space. The constant three-ring circus of my life really had twisted me into a ball of emotional instability. I hadn't realized just how much. I have spent so much of my time for the last few months making sure everyone else but me was stable and happy, without any consideration for myself, that it's ridiculous.

I placed no value on myself, unless it was for the sake of someone else. I'm not doing that now. I don't know if I'm proud of that or not. I do know that it's a novel experience for me. I have a value as a person, for just myself. Only while juggling to keep everybody else balanced, I just couldn't see it. All I could see was that I was useful to everybody else, for what I was to them. Never what I was just as me.

And being me isn't so bad. To be perfectly honest, I'm not a bad person. I really am an outstanding friend. I'm loyal to my friends. I will generally bend over backwards to help them out. And I will sit for hours on end listening to their problems, and helping find solutions. I can be counted on in times of trouble. I'm good in a crunch. I'm a damn good friend.

But I never remember to take care of myself. And it's time for me to remember to do that. I tried, the other way. Letting my happiness be dependent on what I did for others. Whether what I did for them was enough. That didn't work. This is better. Now I need to try and find a way to learn to be happy with the small things that make me happy.

Writing. Reading books. I'm having a great time playing with the babies here. My cat makes me happy. I'm betting my sewing skills are about to improve drastically, because Melissa is a hell of a seamstress, and I bet I'll pick up tips and tricks from her. I remember a time when the things I did, my hobbies, and who I was, made me happy. I didn't need external sources to make me happy. I can remember that.

The constant fight to try and force a happy relationship that didn't seem to be working, obviously wasn't worth it. Ultimately, all it did was cause trouble all the way around. I was too close to see it. I wish I'd left sooner. It might have saved a lot of pain for a lot of people. I don't like hurting people.