Do you ever feel as though no matter what you do, you're somehow doing *something* wrong? Because I feel that way altogether too frequently. I'm working on it. I shouldn't feel bad as often as I do. And a lot of the time, I end up feeling rotten for things that aren't even my fault. I spend a lot of my time trying to spare someone else's feelings, and in the end, the feelings that are hurt are my own. And it sucks. A lot.

I have problems with communication. It can be a massive failure of mine, because I have a tendency to not take at face value offers of genuine assistance. I forget that sometimes, people genuinely are not out to get me, and when they ask me if I'm doing well, or if I need something, that they mean what they say, and I should respond in kind.

But I don't. I don't answer. I don't reach for the hand that is offered. Not on the first attempt. Because too often, people have given me an offer of "help", and used my words or my feelings against me, to cause me harm, and cause me injury. And as a result, I tend to take nothing at face value. And I recognize this as a failing in me, but I forgot that people don't know this. And I forget to warn people that when I brush off those offers of assistance, that it isn't that I don't actually need the help. It is not that I do not want their concern or their caring or their love. It has more to do with the fact that if you do not push at me a bit, I will not accept that help. I flinch from kindness offered. I expect to get slapped, and as a result, I cower, and brace for a smack instead of reaching for a hand. A failure in myself, and a loss to those who offer to love me and comfort me with genuine concern for my well-being.

It has come to my attention recently that I am still wounding people without meaning to. That my actions are still causing harm, whether by inattention to what goes on around me, or by simply not having opened communication clearly enough. And I am so tired of that. Tired of being a cause of pain.

I accused someone today of using me for their convenience, without regard to my feelings. And realized that I have been guilty of similar things to others in the not too recent past. Without realizing it, because we never actually talked about it. I assumed he would simply tell me how he felt. And I guess he assumed I would know that he felt it. Too much assumption. No communication. And everything went to shit. And I hate it that I could cause pain unintentionally. I'll not have anyone think that they're there, just because they're convenient to me. I place more value on the people I care about than that, even if I have to stop and consciously check myself and say it.

I have to do that a lot lately. Remember that telling people they are important aloud matters. I have to remember a great many things recently. I should start keeping a running list.

My life has changed. The direction I want my life to go has changed. Where I'm going, and what I'm doing, and how I feel has changed. What I want has changed, and is changing daily. I'm not altogether certain how I feel about that.

A lot of things have changed for me, and are going to continue to change. The people in Fresno who thought they knew who and what I wanted? They don't have a clue. The truth is that very few people right now actually have any idea what's going on inside my head. I am not sharing a lot of information with many people, because I am tired of being manipulated and talked about and around. I have, finally, gotten to the point where I have a fair grasp on what I want. I'm beginning to feel somewhat settled. I have not made a concrete decision, not quite yet. And I am not ready to announce any type of decision to the world. I am in no great rush to sit and declare "XYZ".

I can live both with and without many things, I have learned that in the last few weeks. I don't *need* anyone to complete me. I thought that I did. When I left Fresno, I thought I was going to fall completely apart, I missed both Danny and Phillip so much that it physically hurt me. And I miss them both now. And they both hurt me, badly. But I do not *need* either one of them, to keep functioning. I can stand still, look around, and be just fine. I needed that.

I had not realized just how much I put into being what was necessary for them. Danny's Crystal. I have been Danny's Crystal for so long. He's my best friend. And losing him hurt. So very badly. I have held him up, and supported him, and had our lives interlinked for so many years, that it feels like a part of me is missing, to be gone. When something goes wrong, it has been Danny that I call, because that's the first thing that comes to mind. And when I finally put my things into my car, and left...it very nearly broke me. It would have been so very easy to stay. He wanted me to stay. He wanted me to come back. He still wants me to come home. But come home to what, precisely? So that I can keep living some sort of half-life, where we all play this make-believe game where I hide in my room, and come out when it's convenient, and I'm there when he needs me to keep his life running smooth with his new girlfriend? That isn't much of a life for me. And it's become this massive ball of stress for me, to be in the middle of a maelstrom.

And then there's Phil. And Gods, how badly I fucked up that. Yes, I could and did take excellent care of him. I love him. I'm not capable of not loving him. That isn't the problem. The problem is that he loves someone else. The same way I focus on him? He focused on her. And he has that right, the right to love anyone he chooses. He can't help who he loves, any more than I can. And I was fighting a losing battle right from the start. Because he dumped everything he had right at her feet, and it left me with nothing. Because I also was dumping everything *I* had, at his feet. Which left me with nothing as well. He and I are much the same that way. All or nothing. And it left us both empty...but not empty together. And I had to let it go. I can't hold on to what breaks me. A merry-go-round of pain, I just can't ride. He wants me, but can't love me, because all the love he has, is already poured at her feet. And I've dealt with that. I made my mistakes. I made a promise to him, and I don't even know if he remembers that I made it, but I'm still me, and I keep my word. I should never have hurt him. I have no desire at all to see him twist into a knot of confusion because of me, not now or ever. All I want for him is his happiness. I wish him well. I always have.

Clarity is a wonderful thing.

Secret word of the week

This week my word of the week is:

"ennui"

and the simple truth is that I've chosen it because I'm thoroughly irritated at a couple of things, and saddened by them at the same time. I feel like I've trod the same circles, and played the same games, this time unwillingly, and I've decided it's for the last time.

So, my word of the week reflects my mood, and besides that, 'tis an interesting word.

I'm busy for the rest of the day, and I'll put up a full blog sometime later, because we've got company and I don't wish to be rude to them.

Hope everyone is having a lovely day.

Musings from the ill

The entire household has been sick. Melissa has a sinus infection, treated with antibiotics. Shawn had bronchitis. Baby Lauren had an earache. Emily has a cold, with a nasty cough. David's got a sinus infection, antibiotics for him too. And the baby, Ashley? An eye infection, an ear infection and pneumonia. Suffice to say I'm sporting pneumonia and on antibiotics and fairly miserable. I've been slamming them for the duration. That poor baby girl, though. Her neglectful, miserable mother just couldn't be bothered, and that poor kid has had pneumonia for two months. Her lungs were so full of fluid that you couldn't see her ribs on the chest x-ray. Her body had stopped even trying to fight the infection. If she hadn't been seen, she probably would simply have not woken up one morning, because her body had just given up. The poor baby. And her mother just doesn't seem to care, even now. Tonight, her night off? The baby is here. Her mother is out, with her boyfriend, because she doesn't care enough to want to spend time with her sick child. She makes me sick. The whole idea of it makes me sick.

Why bother having kids in the first place, if you don't want to actually play with them? If you don't want to take care of them, show them you love them, spend time with them? Not just tell them, but *show* them. Parent them? Why bother? If you're just going to shuttle them from daycare to daycare, and basically ignore them, and consider them an inconvenience to your lifestyle, why fucking bother? Give the poor things to someone who actually will love them, and take care of them. Foster care would actually be better for some kids than being with parents who can't be bothered. Shove the kid into a corner, into a room, ignore it all the time. Wait until the poor thing is screaming for your attention before you yell in frustration at it, and then wonder why all it does is cry at you? Wonder why your kid will more or less behave for anyone else except you? Probably because you ignore it all the time. That might be it. If you ignore your kid all the time, except to shuttle it from point A to point B, it's going to treat you the way you treat it. God, I'm so frustrated and disgusted I could scream. Some people should just be smacked upside the head, and shouldn't be allowed to keep their kids. Sad, but true.

Wow, that was a hell of a tangent, even for me. I really am thoroughly disgusted. It might have something to do with me not having Dana. Because I didn't do anything wrong or bad, that caused her to not be with me. I was sick, and so it isn't as though I was neglecting her, or abusing her. So to have to look at people who willfully or intentionally mistreat their kids, because they can't be bothered just makes me sick and depressed. Because children are so precious, and some people can't seem to appreciate what they have.

I'm going to stop blogging now, before I rile myself up any further. Goodnight.

Joy, and pain, sunshine, and rain....

I'm still doing my thing at Melissa's, and I'm still content here. I was in Fresno for a couple of days.

I spent Valentine's Day with Phillip, and did some catching up with him, had dinner, watched cheesy TV shows as is our wont. It was nice. Familiar and comfortable. Having some time and space apart has helped us. Perspective helps a lot. I needed that. We're doing alright, and that was good for me to know. I'm glad that I haven't lost him. He's very important to me, and it's good to know that we're still standing.

I am, however, hurting. And both Phillip and I lost something precious, and that loss is going to hurt me for a while. I don't know whether or not it hurts him, but I suspect that it does. But at the end of the day, I learned something that I didn't know, and that when it mattered, he was there for me. He did and does care, and I should have called him and told him what was going on from the beginning, and not just run away from things. I should have believed in him more, and not been so afraid. I should have trusted that he wouldn't have been angry at me for something I had no control over, and that he would have held me when it all fell apart. As soon as he figured out what pain I was in, he did just that. The mistake was mine in not calling for him immediately. He genuinely doesn't like seeing me hurting, and doesn't want me to cry.

I still haven't made any decisions on what I want to do about my living situation in Fresno. I am enjoying my time at Melissa's, it's very serene and comfortable here, and she's wonderful company. I also quite enjoy talking with Shawn. He's quite entertaining, and intelligent. Qualities I admire and enjoy in a friend.

We had a good time this weekend. We played board games, and basically just hung out and kicked back. We ate dinner, because Melissa's an awesome cook. A good time was had.

Okay, that's enough blogging for me, for tonight. Perhaps there will be more later. Perhaps not tonight. I'm kind of tired. Goodnight internets.

Listening to: Everybody Knows - Leonard Cohen

Secret word of the week

This week's word of the week is going to be:

"circumspect"

Success!

Ahh, and there was much success in babysitting! I'm rather proud. I took care of the baby and the toddler today, by myself for several hours, and I'm rather proud of that. It went smoothly, flawlessly, even.

Shawn and Melissa were both gone, one to an orientation, and one to the dentist, so I stayed with the girls. Which wouldn't be complicated at all, except that the baby is completely breastfed, and, well, I don't have the *ahem* correct equipment to furnish those needs. But we managed. I even got her to take a nap. I'm stoked. It went great.

I even got the living room picked up. Yay!

And this afternoon, I think we'll be making several loaves of challah, and some snickerdoodles. Woohoo!

I feel accomplished. I really do. Which is sort of lame, but whatever. I'm still proud of myself. I didn't think it would go quite as well as it did this morning.

Although looking at the clock, I need to remember to send Shawn to go to get Ashley if noon rolls around and Melissa isn't back in time.

Tear my heart open, my weakness is that I cared too much

Gods, I'm so tired. I am exhausted. Which was obvious by the fact that once I finally passed out sometime last night, I must've been out cold, because Sissa came in and out of my room today, and I didn't wake up until...after nine this morning? And I was out cold. I didn't even really hear her. I knew it had to be coming.

I'm feeling a little morose today. Sissa's trying to cheer me up, but I'm still kind of bumming. Can't put on my sunny smile all the time. I'll bounce back, I know I will. But it still hurts, you know? I'm hoping my book shows up quickly, so I have something to read. Self-help books for the win, right? Besides that, I like non-fiction books sometimes.

I'll probably be running in and out of Fresno Friday, so that I can see the doctor and pick up more stuff. I *might* be crashing there overnight, depending on how tomorrow's phone conversation goes. I'm hoping to not have to be stuck there for the entire weekend. If I can get the second half of what I need done on Saturday, I'll do that, and come back here Saturday right after, and if I can't, then I'm stuck. But I can hope. I don't really want to have to be there until Tuesday. Either way, I have to see the doctor Friday. Yay. Refills, and scheduling an MRI among other things. Being sick is a pain in my ass.

Things are going all right for me. I'm still somewhat conflicted inside of my head, but that's mostly because I just don't know what I want to do personally. I feel like I don't know what to do with my life, and that's very hard for me. Changing my whole life is very hard. And I'm scared. I'm not used to being this frightened. I never thought I would be afraid.

I do know that I need to do something different than what I was doing. Going around in circles was getting me nowhere. Walking in place did nothing for me. And staying in place and being in pain wasn't helping me or anyone else.


**Currently playing: Scars - Papa Roach**