Cleaning house

And I am. And I have been. I've been cleaning for days. My house, my life. It's slow going, because things have been pretty dirty. And scrubbing through the layers has taken quite a bit of time. Good thing I have spare time, right?

When I got back from Bakersfield, I found some things broken that weren't when I left, and I ended up angry. There are quarters missing from my jar, which made me angry again. That's my OCD compulsion jar, the thing I use when I'm freaking out, and the fact that it's short makes me very angry indeed, because that jar never gets used for spending. In fact, the only reason I had grabbed it was to add to it, because I had gone through the spare change in my room, and when I realized that there were quarters missing, it both freaked me out and made me mad. So now I have nothing to compulsively count and sort and I don't know what to do.

My earlier blog referenced the fact that I'll be cutting ties with the drama in my life. This is true, and that cutting will indeed be taking place. I have tried very hard to balance a great many things. I have been making excuses and ending up frustrated and crying repeatedly, because I wasn't willing to let go of things and people who kept hurting me, simply because I wanted them too much to walk away. I have been making every excuse under the sun to keep hold of things that hurt me. I was simply a convenience in their lives, something that made their lives easier, while mine was painful. Broken promises. Tears and heartbreak and misery. And while everyone else who loved me noticed and was angry on my behalf...the actual problem never actually acknowledged their wrongdoing. It was never a problem for *them*, because honestly, I never actually mattered, I don't think. When confronted, yes, I'd get an apology of sorts, for a while. But I'm easily forgotten, and I know it.

We go 'round and 'round. And I'm honestly just tired of the merry-go-round. Even something as mundane as keeping their word about making a phone call, can't be bothered. And I'm just tired of it. I deserved better than that. I *deserve* better than that, even from a friend. I've heard over and over that no matter what, I'd not be abandoned, because I mattered too much. But none of the actions match the words. And at this point, I no longer trust the words. Words matter. Actions matter. And I'm finished now.

I told myself I'd never allow things to get so far that all I did was cry. And I hit that point, and now it's over. When I stopped being happy, it was time for it to end. I refuse to be caught in the middle of some sick twisted game, where I'm a pawn to get something else. I refuse to be in the middle of anything at all. And I refuse to keep crying and wondering and waiting for something that hurts me. I've always been stronger than that.

I'll miss my friend. He knows where to find me.

Listening to: Let her cry - Hootie and the Blowfish

Joy, and pain, sunshine, and rain....

I'm still doing my thing at Melissa's, and I'm still content here. I was in Fresno for a couple of days.

I spent Valentine's Day with Phillip, and did some catching up with him, had dinner, watched cheesy TV shows as is our wont. It was nice. Familiar and comfortable. Having some time and space apart has helped us. Perspective helps a lot. I needed that. We're doing alright, and that was good for me to know. I'm glad that I haven't lost him. He's very important to me, and it's good to know that we're still standing.

I am, however, hurting. And both Phillip and I lost something precious, and that loss is going to hurt me for a while. I don't know whether or not it hurts him, but I suspect that it does. But at the end of the day, I learned something that I didn't know, and that when it mattered, he was there for me. He did and does care, and I should have called him and told him what was going on from the beginning, and not just run away from things. I should have believed in him more, and not been so afraid. I should have trusted that he wouldn't have been angry at me for something I had no control over, and that he would have held me when it all fell apart. As soon as he figured out what pain I was in, he did just that. The mistake was mine in not calling for him immediately. He genuinely doesn't like seeing me hurting, and doesn't want me to cry.

I still haven't made any decisions on what I want to do about my living situation in Fresno. I am enjoying my time at Melissa's, it's very serene and comfortable here, and she's wonderful company. I also quite enjoy talking with Shawn. He's quite entertaining, and intelligent. Qualities I admire and enjoy in a friend.

We had a good time this weekend. We played board games, and basically just hung out and kicked back. We ate dinner, because Melissa's an awesome cook. A good time was had.

Okay, that's enough blogging for me, for tonight. Perhaps there will be more later. Perhaps not tonight. I'm kind of tired. Goodnight internets.

Listening to: Everybody Knows - Leonard Cohen