Do you ever feel as though no matter what you do, you're somehow doing *something* wrong? Because I feel that way altogether too frequently. I'm working on it. I shouldn't feel bad as often as I do. And a lot of the time, I end up feeling rotten for things that aren't even my fault. I spend a lot of my time trying to spare someone else's feelings, and in the end, the feelings that are hurt are my own. And it sucks. A lot.

I have problems with communication. It can be a massive failure of mine, because I have a tendency to not take at face value offers of genuine assistance. I forget that sometimes, people genuinely are not out to get me, and when they ask me if I'm doing well, or if I need something, that they mean what they say, and I should respond in kind.

But I don't. I don't answer. I don't reach for the hand that is offered. Not on the first attempt. Because too often, people have given me an offer of "help", and used my words or my feelings against me, to cause me harm, and cause me injury. And as a result, I tend to take nothing at face value. And I recognize this as a failing in me, but I forgot that people don't know this. And I forget to warn people that when I brush off those offers of assistance, that it isn't that I don't actually need the help. It is not that I do not want their concern or their caring or their love. It has more to do with the fact that if you do not push at me a bit, I will not accept that help. I flinch from kindness offered. I expect to get slapped, and as a result, I cower, and brace for a smack instead of reaching for a hand. A failure in myself, and a loss to those who offer to love me and comfort me with genuine concern for my well-being.

It has come to my attention recently that I am still wounding people without meaning to. That my actions are still causing harm, whether by inattention to what goes on around me, or by simply not having opened communication clearly enough. And I am so tired of that. Tired of being a cause of pain.

I accused someone today of using me for their convenience, without regard to my feelings. And realized that I have been guilty of similar things to others in the not too recent past. Without realizing it, because we never actually talked about it. I assumed he would simply tell me how he felt. And I guess he assumed I would know that he felt it. Too much assumption. No communication. And everything went to shit. And I hate it that I could cause pain unintentionally. I'll not have anyone think that they're there, just because they're convenient to me. I place more value on the people I care about than that, even if I have to stop and consciously check myself and say it.

I have to do that a lot lately. Remember that telling people they are important aloud matters. I have to remember a great many things recently. I should start keeping a running list.

My life has changed. The direction I want my life to go has changed. Where I'm going, and what I'm doing, and how I feel has changed. What I want has changed, and is changing daily. I'm not altogether certain how I feel about that.

A lot of things have changed for me, and are going to continue to change. The people in Fresno who thought they knew who and what I wanted? They don't have a clue. The truth is that very few people right now actually have any idea what's going on inside my head. I am not sharing a lot of information with many people, because I am tired of being manipulated and talked about and around. I have, finally, gotten to the point where I have a fair grasp on what I want. I'm beginning to feel somewhat settled. I have not made a concrete decision, not quite yet. And I am not ready to announce any type of decision to the world. I am in no great rush to sit and declare "XYZ".

I can live both with and without many things, I have learned that in the last few weeks. I don't *need* anyone to complete me. I thought that I did. When I left Fresno, I thought I was going to fall completely apart, I missed both Danny and Phillip so much that it physically hurt me. And I miss them both now. And they both hurt me, badly. But I do not *need* either one of them, to keep functioning. I can stand still, look around, and be just fine. I needed that.

I had not realized just how much I put into being what was necessary for them. Danny's Crystal. I have been Danny's Crystal for so long. He's my best friend. And losing him hurt. So very badly. I have held him up, and supported him, and had our lives interlinked for so many years, that it feels like a part of me is missing, to be gone. When something goes wrong, it has been Danny that I call, because that's the first thing that comes to mind. And when I finally put my things into my car, and left...it very nearly broke me. It would have been so very easy to stay. He wanted me to stay. He wanted me to come back. He still wants me to come home. But come home to what, precisely? So that I can keep living some sort of half-life, where we all play this make-believe game where I hide in my room, and come out when it's convenient, and I'm there when he needs me to keep his life running smooth with his new girlfriend? That isn't much of a life for me. And it's become this massive ball of stress for me, to be in the middle of a maelstrom.

And then there's Phil. And Gods, how badly I fucked up that. Yes, I could and did take excellent care of him. I love him. I'm not capable of not loving him. That isn't the problem. The problem is that he loves someone else. The same way I focus on him? He focused on her. And he has that right, the right to love anyone he chooses. He can't help who he loves, any more than I can. And I was fighting a losing battle right from the start. Because he dumped everything he had right at her feet, and it left me with nothing. Because I also was dumping everything *I* had, at his feet. Which left me with nothing as well. He and I are much the same that way. All or nothing. And it left us both empty...but not empty together. And I had to let it go. I can't hold on to what breaks me. A merry-go-round of pain, I just can't ride. He wants me, but can't love me, because all the love he has, is already poured at her feet. And I've dealt with that. I made my mistakes. I made a promise to him, and I don't even know if he remembers that I made it, but I'm still me, and I keep my word. I should never have hurt him. I have no desire at all to see him twist into a knot of confusion because of me, not now or ever. All I want for him is his happiness. I wish him well. I always have.

Clarity is a wonderful thing.

You oughta know...

I'm not even sure what I wanted to write about right now. Just knew that I needed to write something. I'm in a very strange mood today. Fortunately, there isn't really anyone here to watch me be in this mood. Things are piling up again. It feels sort of like the roof is about to cave in on top of me. So many things spinning around and around.

I got busted (for lack of a better word) yesterday by the management here, because I was using the pool. Oh, the horror. Not that there was *anyone* in the pool area using it, that I would've been disturbing. But, busted nonetheless. So we went in to fill out the application to add me to the lease. I honestly am not sure whether or not they're going to be dicks about it. Things are complicated enough right now without having to worry about where I'm living. It kind of sucks.

I've finally gotten around to dealing with some emotional bullshit that I tend to just shove into a little corner and ignore. That generally works for me, putting my emotional problems into a little box and ignoring them. Until they explode, that is. It doesn't work then. I'm still angry. I'm still hurt, by what Courtney did, and how she did it. It isn't like I walk around crying my eyes out. Not my style. But on the other hand, it still hurts. She isn't the person I thought she was. She isn't the person she used to be. And I have to deal with that, and say goodbye in my own way. And I can't handle it the way I used to, by lashing out and, essentially, punishing the one who hurt me. And that was how I knew how to deal with pain. If I was hurting, I'd hurt them more. So now I'm saying goodbye to what was a friendship of more than half of my life. Maybe someday I'll be able to look back at the good things from the last 15 years, but right now, all I am is angry. Forgive and forget, not so much. I guess in my own way I forgave her. But I'll never forget. And I won't make the attempt again.

'Chelle and I have had our differences over the years. I guess I never really realized just how much she means to me, as a part of my life. This mess with Courtney has shown me some things I never really sit down and think about. I won't open myself back up to Courtney again, not now, not ever. I don't know for sure if that means that she wasn't as important as 'Chelle to me. I don't know what it means. But I have figured out something else. 'Chelle and I have had massive blowouts. And one or the other of us always drifts back and we make up. I know her, her faults, her mistakes. All the things that make her *her*. I know what she's thinking, and how she feels most of the time. She's the first person I think to call when something is going on. I know that she'll be anywhere I need her. I kind of nonchalantly refer to her as my best friend, or me as her best friend. I don't really think about it. Maybe I should. But when it comes down to it, we've both grown and changed since we first met. And we've been round and round and round. But when it comes back around, the people we finally are now, we're good people. And I'm glad we managed to hold on to that. Boys, friends, problems, differences. We pushed past it, and ended up here. And that's not a bad thing. And I'm grateful. Everyone needs one good, solid friend. And I have two. 'Chelle and Danny. Both are here without question, anytime I need them.

Okay, that was a ramble I hadn't intended on.

Looks like my mom got her house. Paperwork is going through. I'm not sure where it is, or anything else. She's still getting married at the beginning of June. I'll be going up for the wedding. I probably won't stay long, because of the stuff I have going on here at home. But it will be nice to see her married to someone who doesn't suck. And it's been nice watching her be happy for the last year and a half. In spite of all the health issues going on and whatnot, they're still happy. I wish I could be there more, spend more time with them, but I can't. My home is here. It is what it is.