I always think I know everything.

At least, I know I can come across that way, a lot of the time. And hey, the reason for that is that it turns out that way all too frequently.

That doesn't mean that I'm always right, and I know that. And it doesn't mean that when things go wrong, I don't hurt for my friends. And I'm just like anyone else in a crisis situation. I don't have the right words to make everything miraculously all right again. I can't fix everything. I can offer words that are meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I can tell you I'll listen if you need me.

And I can sit quietly in my corner, and contemplate how badly all of this sucks. And it does. Because I can remember, unfortunately, all too vividly just how much it *still* sucks that my Daddy is gone. And I still worry, daily, that something will happen to Jack. Every single day. Because I just got him, and the idea that he might suddenly not be there? Is a fact that I simply completely and totally am unprepared to come face to face with the possible reality of. I refuse to acknowledge that it might happen at some point, and will not accept it. Fate is simply not cruel enough to do that to me this soon, and I refuse to allow that.

Because I have no choice in such an event, I simply won't adhere to such an idea, and work from that basis. And I try not to think about it. I cannot imagine anything worse than having to deal with the reality of Brody's current situation. Because I've been having to deal with all kinds of things in the last few weeks that have brought me face-to-face with the reality of mortality and all the surrounding issues of it, I'm not handling any of it well. I simply can't handle it, and so my solution has been to put my head in the sand, and pretend that it's not an option.

And while yes, in reality I realize that won't work as a long-term solution, too much has gone on recently for me to handle much more. But Brody's deal right now wasn't something I could do the ostrich routine for, so I pulled it together, and did what I could, and will continue to do.

But it made me stop and think about the fact that all my normal touchstones are gone. The people I call when *I* need someone to lean on, and cling to. The people who are *my* rocks when it hurts, and I need someone to hug, and know that whether I'm crying or not, they'll understand me, and just be there. And it hurt to realize that in one way or another, that's gone now. And I'm working my way through that now.

I honestly think that I took that harder than I have anything else in the last few months. Not the loss of the "boyfriends". Not the anger, and the lashing out. The realization that I had lost the friendships that meant so much to me, and that in a large way, they were my own fault. I hadn't intended for that to be the result, but it was. In both Phillip's and Danny's cases, they're both gone for the same reason. In order to preserve their own relationships, they can't have a friendship with me, and that made me sad. It hurt, more than anything else, to realize that I lost friendships I truly cherished, and it was in large part my own fault.

I was talking about it with Sissa today, and I know she didn't agree with me, but it was the truth, even though she didn't like it. Phillip didn't walk away from me to just be mean, and I know it. I *hate* admitting it, but at the base of it, he walked away because if he hadn't, he would have lost his chance at a relationship that he wanted more than anything. Yes, he got issued an ultimatum, and he made a choice I didn't like. But that was his choice to make, and not mine. And I had no right to cast stones at him for wanting to be happy, and I know it. Just because I was angry, I had no right to want to hurt him for being happy, simply because I was unhappy. And however much it sucked at the time? He had the right to want to be happy. And we would have stayed friends had *I* not insisted his girlfriend know what had gone on. That was my fault, and the consequences were ones I have to live with. Even my anger has finally worn off. And now all that's left is the loss of a friendship I ruined all by myself.

And I've done the same to my friendship with Danny. Thirteen years gone, because I simply can't keep handling watching him with his new love. The constant petty attacks from her are driving me up the wall, and I just can't keep dealing, and I've cut him out of my life. Because I don't know what else I could do. And while that's my choice, and it was a choice that I know he didn't want me to make, I simply don't know what else to do. I've tried to weigh it from all sides, and my instinct tells me things are not going to improve. I gave it time. I tried space. I tried playing by the new "rules". Nothing seemed to improve anything in any way. Every time I gave in, more was asked, until I simply had nothing left to give. I spent half my time crying, and the other half wanting to scream, or actually yelling at him, for things he had no control over. And that wasn't fair either.

And I care too much about him to want him to be unhappy anymore because of me. He doesn't deserve to be caught between a rock and a hard place. He deserves to move on and be happy, without having to make a choice between the woman he was with for so long, and the woman he's with now. Nobody should have to be stuck in between two women, with an attachment to both. And Danny isn't very good at trying to appease both of us. And I don't want him to hurt anymore. So I walked away.

But Gods, it hurts. And now when I look around, and listen to the silence, and know that there's nothing and no one left to call, and absolutely nobody to cry on? It's frightening. And it's difficult. And I don't know what to think, or how to handle the idea. It's a very empty feeling, knowing that I ruined those friendships, and knowing that I'll never get them back. Some wounds take a long time to heal. Some never do, and I've learned that. They might scar over, but they never completely heal.

Actions have consequences, and all lessons get learned at some point. And while I learned mine, even having learned them doesn't mean that I can get back what I lost.

I wish them well. I hope they'll be happy now. I'm sorry for the pain I caused, and the damage I did. But it doesn't change anything now, and I know that too. Because I've learned that I don't know everything, and I can't always fix everything. Sorry doesn't fix some things. Some injuries are permanent, and some damage is too great to be repaired. And some things you just have to live with.

Daily stuff for me

Daily Tarot Card

Strength
Strength is a card of courage, determination and inner might. You are in a position to deal with whatever comes your way. You have reached a position of influence and no longer need to force your beliefs upon others. You are aware of the temptations that exist, but your ability to resist them is strong. Be careful not to take advantage of your power or risk becoming abusive and destructive. Listen to your inner voice and trust your instincts.

Your Life Path Number is 5
Your Life Path Number represents the path you should take through life and the talents and skills you have to make your journey a rewarding one.

Having a Life Path Number of 5 makes you a keen traveler with a love for freedom. Change is good in your life and is something you strive for. Your heightened curiosity, and love of life, keeps you on the move. Although, you are sometimes perceived as lacking discipline.
Positive Traits
Freedom, Enthusiasm, Clever, Sensual, Adventurous, Prolific
Negative Traits
Rash, Impulsive, Trite, Undirected, Dull
Associations
Tarot: Hierophant
Astrology: Mercury, Venus, Taurus, Leo
Rune: Raidho
I Ching: #15 Ch'ien
Tree of Life: Geburah, Severity (Power)
Hebrew Letter: He', Nun
Shamanism: Bull Elephant
Element: Air, Fire
Alchemy: Earth/Man
Aura: Earth tones
Color: Turquoise
Gemstones: Turquoise, Aquamarine
Crystals: Muscovite, Hornblende
Month: May
Week Day: Tuesday
Lucky Numbers: 1, 3, 7, 9, 14, 23, 32, 41, 50, 59, 68, 77, 86, 95, 104
Flora: Carnation, Gardenia, Primrose

Sunday, August 3
Even a small, genuine effort is better than not trying at all. You have a lot of explaining to do so you had better get to the point quickly. Beating around the bush will only help to intensify the situation. Your anger is causing you to become careless.

Stop flying off the handle over unimportant issues, because one of the down-sides is that you won't have any energy left for the important stuff. Something that has been playing on your mind for some time shows clear signs of resolving itself.


Cancer Love Horoscope
A shift in moods and attitudes occurs at this time that will continue to affect you deeply for a few days. You may be emotionally sensitive now, but often it is difficult for you to clearly express what you are feeling. Try not to take things that are said or done too seriously as you may be hurt more than any one intends for you to be.

Secret word of the week *and* blog post

The secret word of the week is:

"despondent"

I'd intended to use depression, as I'm sure everyone has seen the cheesy television ads where they say things like 'Depression, who does it hurts? Everyone.' Blah blah blah. Not that I particularly watch television, being that I don't have cable, or an antenna or any sort, but the ads run while I'm at my doctor's offices as well, so I've seen them, and every time I watch it, it occurs to me that it's fairly accurate.

Depression does hurt. And it hurts in a lot of ways, and it pains the people around too. I guess I should consider myself lucky sometimes, that there aren't people near me to watch me be miserable, just Ezzie, and he doesn't really understand what's going on. But I decided I'd go with despondent, because for me it isn't depression exactly. I could just go onto anti-depressant medication, and that would probably improve things.

Although honestly, that isn't what I'd intended to be blogging about just now. My blog right now is actually about something entirely different, and I'll be changing gears now. I'm feeling quite snarky on someone else's behalf.

My Sissa, the one who makes me challah bread, and took me in for a month and a half to try and straighten me out a while back, and spends half her time putting me, and everybody else she knows back together? The one who never has anything negative to say about anybody? The one with the kids, and the pets, and the 24/7 juggling act that she somehow manages to keep all the balls in the air of most of the time?

That Sissa? A colossal jackass thought it would be fun yesterday to corner her alone, while she had all three of her kids with her, and lay into her verbally. And with foul language and no regard for the fact that the kids were there and heard every word, this supposed gentleman shoved his nose into business he had no business being in the middle of, and made her cry. And now I'm pissed off, and I haven't yet decided whether or not I will be putting my two cents into things.

I figure that all bets are currently off. It's one thing for points A and B to be having a conversation. But if a third party hops into the middle of things he has no business getting into, and Sissa ends up crying and upset, and the kids have to hear it, because he has the manners of a goat? Then there's no reason I can't rip him a new asshole. Obviously, he has no respect for common courtesy, and no problem butting into other people's business. And thus, should have no problem with my being involved in said business. Otherwise, he wouldn't have been involved in the first place, correct?

I knew all the details of what was going on. Of course I did. Hell, I even have the means and resources to have reached all the important parties. I didn't, because hey, none of my business, right? And those same courtesies should have applied. But since they didn't, and he decided to attack a woman alone, with three children, at a family function. Well, then he deserves what's coming to him. And honestly? I'm not as nice as she is.

You want to ream Sissa and call her names? I can think of a few names you deserve to be called, starting with interfering overbearing asshole, and ending with self-righteous idiotic cocksucker. And yes, using that sort of language will, I'm sure, make you think I'm somewhat less than a lady. And you know what? I don't give a damn. You're certainly not a gentleman, to go and attack someone who *is* a lady, like Sissa. Me, personally? Kids or not, I'd've punched you. I would have sat Lauren on the ground, and hauled off and planted my fist in your face had you said the things to me that you said to her, and then I would have walked inside, and told the entire house full of people what you called me. But then again, a lady, I'm not.

Sissa was a lady all the way through, as all she did was put her children in the car, and leave. Argh!!!

Okay, I think I might be done ranting for right this second. And now, I'm going to go and take another round of Benadryl, and go back to sleep. As I said last night, I plan to sleep until I think I'm fit to pass for human interaction again.

Good word of the week to all, and to all...something or other.

Benadryl and avoidance

It's 8:16 p.m., I'm taking Benadryl and my cat, and going to bed. I plan to spend a substantial amount of time sleeping, until I feel like a passable human again, or at least somewhat civil. Or at least have the ability to fake it. The house phone and both cells have the ringers off, whilst I stay in my allergy-drug-induced coma for the foreseeable future.

Don't bother me, because at this point, the entire world can collapse for all I care, and I still won't answer the phone, and it won't matter who you are, I still won't pick it up, or answer the front door.

And that would include Danny, Phillip, and everybody else at this point. I just want to sleep, and be left alone. All of you seem to think that I'd grab the phone or the door frantically for certain people, primarily those two, and at this point? Even they wouldn't get the time of day. So don't go thinking it's personal. I just want to be left alone.

Goodnight.

wonderful

I'm so tired. Do you ever feel that way? A deep in the bones exhaustion? As though you just want to go and find a nice quiet cave, and pull the covers over your head, take a big bottle of sleeping pills, and go to sleep, and never wake up? There are days when I would dearly love to do that.

I realize that it's impractical to go and do that, and I am much too stubborn to give in to that sort of melodramatic bullshit. But there are days when it would just be so simple to go to sleep and not wake up. And today is definitely one of those days.

I dropped off the rent check this morning, and all of my bills are paid. Hooray? I know, I know, it's probably something I should be more excited about. And I am, realistically. It's good, knowing that everything is going as well as it is. I finally have the house more or less running well, and school will start soon. I'm pretty excited about that, and scared as well.

And I'm actually pretty happy with my life, truth be told. I've been asked out three different times in the last couple of weeks, even though I'd turned them down. I'm not going to continue turning them down anymore, well, some I will, because eww, white boys are still not my thing, but some of the others who have asked seemed like it might be fun. But in general, most of the time? I'm pretty happy I guess.

And then there are days like today. When the hours stretch out before me, and I just don't know what to do with myself. It's sad, really. I could watch movies. Play video games. Play with the computer or surf the internet. I have things I can do. I have myriad books to read, which are finally back out on the bookcases, so they're easily accessible. And there's absolutely nothing I want to do. So here I sit, writing a blog, whining about how bored I am, and how restless, and how I don't know what to do with myself.

And that's the joke, right? A houseful of things to entertain myself with, and none of it is appealing, and I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk to anyone, not really. And the incessant chatter in my head is overwhelming me, with all the things I want to say, or things I want to do, that I'm unwilling to, because I have too much personal responsibility to take those types of actions. Too much class maybe? Perhaps. Possibly that I won't break the law, that might be it. There are certain personal rules I won't break within myself. So I'll sit, and stew, and essentially drive myself quietly insane, and play with my cat, and glare angrily at my computer monitor, and wait for this, too, to pass.

I don't know. I just want everything to stop. I've cut every tie I can think of, broken every connection, and severed every cord. If I could think of anything else to do, I would. And from the other angle that's bothering me, and making me unhappy? I broke all those ties as well. And just walked away, and have done my best to think about it as little as possible, which works out most of the time.

I've filled my days and my nights with other activities, new hobbies, anything at all to distract and distance myself from how things used to be, and it worked.

And now I'm just tired. And I want to go to sleep, and dream a dreamless sleep, where nothing hurts, and I think about nothing. And I just never wake up, so that in the end, there just is nothing anymore, because it would be easy. And I want it to be easy now. Because I am so very tired of it being difficult. Of having to cope, and having to find a solution to problems alone. And of having to put on a good show for everyone of how very well I'm doing, and that everything is wonderful now.

(playing - Wonderful: Everclear)

*ahem*

I was going to rant. I'm actually still in the mood to rant, and I suppose I could. But I'm awfully tired, and while my mind is still revving my entire body is honestly too exhausted for me to work up the energy for a good strong lambasting.

Anyone who knows me well knows that at a certain point I go past the point of being pissy and yelling and wanting to punch something, and I get quiet. I'm no longer violent and vicious. No longer loud. I am quiet, and calm. Still angry, and it's a very controlled anger. And that is when anyone who truly knows me well knows that it's time to duck, cover, and run. And to leave me the hell alone, until the dust has settled, and just wait for whatever it is that's set me off to be over.

I haven't had a hair-trigger temper for a very long time now. I still don't. But I have no reached the point of calm. My yelling and being loud is over now. I have nothing left to say to anyone, and no venting to be done. I have nothing left to *say*, which is all I've done for months now. I've been angry, and my solution to that anger was to simply let it out, yell, and be finished with it.

I will not say that I'm not upset, and that I'm not angry. I'm furious. And I'm calm. I'm very calm. It has taken me months of abuse and just basic run of the mill bullshit. Things that have been categorized "misunderstandings" small and large. Things I have been asked to let roll off my back, and to simply let go, by a variety of people.

And through it all? I have stood here, and been asked to be the bigger person, and to accept the unfathomable, in the name of friendship. Sometimes as a favour. Sometimes because it preyed on my sense of loyalty, and my sense of honour and commitment. Because I don't attack unprovoked, and I don't go after people weaker than myself, or kick people when they're down.

And when angry? I vented to people I thought I could trust, who I was under the impression understood or cared enough about me to allow me that.

I have since learned that I was wrong, and I misjudged things. And now I'm finished. I have learned some valuable lessons this last year. Learned them the hard way, to be sure, but learned them, nonetheless.

And I've come out the other side now, calm, collected, and very, very angry. And with no more sympathy and no more regard for the lies or the betrayals of others. And no more patience of the caustic remarks, or the underhanded manipulations, or the attempts at effecting my life. *My* life. The life I have rebuilt from scratch, out of nothing, because there was nothing left but ashes from a bad decision. A life that I'm finally reasonably happy with, and productive in, and handling on my own.

A life that I won't allow anyone or anything to infringe on, or attempt to ruin, simply because they think they have the right to impact it, just because it amuses them. And some people are going to find out the hard way, that the person I am, and the person I was? To a certain extent, are still the same person. I'm not anyone's doormat, and no one can control me. I don't follow orders from *anyone*.

I have, in the past, chosen to acquiesce when it suited me, because I cared enough for someone to make their lives easier, or to help them out. But not because I was ordered to, or for any other reason than my own personal whims. Evidently there are a great many acquaintances of mine that didn't get the memo that explained how my basic personality functions, and that who they thought they were dealing with? Was not, in fact, a simple pushover.

Yes, I am very loyal. Yes, I can be, and have been, very kind to people. It takes a great deal to push me over the edge to the point where I will cause pain to someone that I love, knowing that it's going to wound them. But once I hit that point? Everyone who truly knows me, that once I hit that point, the fallout from my revenge tactics can be both long-lasting, irreparable, and frightening.

None of them are illegal. None of them are physical. And none of them have ever been predictable. And I can wait a long, long time before I bother to get even with someone. But I can and will, always, get even. And I've always found one of my favourite quotations to be "revenge is a dish best served cold".

And I have been pushed well past my breaking point. Heed the warning: I've grown tired of playing petty bullshit games. I have nothing further to say to anyone on the subject of the little drama-fest that has so dragged out for months. I've finished with discussing it now.

I'll go my way, and everyone else can go theirs. I don't want to hear about it, I don't want to discuss it. I don't want to hear anything further, from anyone.

Don't. Push. Me.