Wow, for my amusement

So I was surfing around on MySpace, looking at various friends pages, and the tagline on one of them was this "I know your dirty little secret, and I'm laughing about it!". And my god, how funny that strikes me. That just amused me to absolutely no end. In part, because the picture accompanying that caption made her look kind of like a leprechaun, and also because it's so very true.

I know damned near everybody's dirty little secrets. For one reason or another, everybody talks to me. So I know all the secrets. And yes, if you're reading this and thinking to yourself, "No, you don't!", yes, I probably do. People around here have exceptionally big mouths. This town is a horrible place to keep secrets. Six degrees of separation, or the Kevin Bacon game? That stupid telephone game from when we were younger? I swear all of those originated in Fresno. And by the time you manage to trace whatever the rumor or secret or what-have-you back to the original source, gods only know what massacre of blasphemy you'll have heard. Truth is a much better route to take.

As a general rule, it's why I don't bother with secrets. Lies are too complicated and hard to keep straight. And people have way too much fun talking about me in the first place, so there's not really any point for me to try and bother with bullshit. I keep to myself, for the most part, which narrows the playing field considerably, and for the rest? I just ignore it.

I feel horrible for the people who aren't as lucky as I am in that regard.

But back to my original thought. Where was I? Oh, yes. That's right. Dirty little secrets. I read that tag line, and just laughed and laughed. Because it was so very true, and so humorous all at once. "I know your dirty little secret, and I'm laughing about it!". And I do. And I am.

Yay!

Parting shots that I didn't take

A brief aside, for the people who I chat with on a regular basis. Due to the nature of our conversations, I can't really stop myself from thinking, thus my blog. But I don't need to actually *talk*. Again, thus my blog. So, in order to not drive myself completely crazy, my blogs may or may not end up seeming as though I'm obsessing, or overly focusing on him for a while, essentially while I work this shit out of my system. But I don't need to constantly talk about it. That being said:

I had a parting shot last night that I was just dying to take. I really was. But I didn't. Perhaps because my verbal words are simply not as eloquent as my written ones? Either way.

The simple truth is that he both wanted and needed me. There's no getting around that. And I took outstanding care of him. Cooked for him, made sure he took his medications. Woke him up most mornings at the ass-crack of dawn, whether he was in my bed or with a phone call. Made him coffee and some sort of food so he could go to work. Took the pain away in more ways than one. I took good care of him. And he knows it. And he threw me away. And I probably would have ended up being the very best thing that could have happened to him. And the truth of that will most likely occur to him later. Because I only ever wanted to change one thing about him. With all of the things about his personality, about his basic makeup, the only thing I wanted to change? I wanted him to stop looking at someone else. I wanted him to focus on me.

With all of the things I could have tried to change about him, I never did. Because while a lot of things about him bother other people, none of them particularly bothered me. I liked him just as he was. Ended up defending a lot of those things to others. But they never bothered me. And I suspect at a certain point that will occur to him. I never wanted to change things about him. I just wanted him to stop looking at someone else. That was it.

Right now, he'll go to her, the one he wants and loves so much. And everything is going to be great for him. He's going to have what he's worked so hard to get. His great love. But he's a hard man to love. Because of all of those pesky flaws. And very few women would put up with the things that I so easily overlooked and simply didn't care about. And I wonder, in a few months, whether or not things will be so filled with sunshine and roses. How many things he's going to be willing to change for her? Because he isn't in the habit of changing things. He likes things his way, not anyone else's. Which wasn't altogether a problem for me. But most women aren't like me.

He just couldn't bring himself to "love" me. He wanted me. He needed me in his life. I was important...but he wants and needs his great love. And he has her now. But in a few months, when she starts to want things from him, and wants things her way. I wonder then...perhaps it would have been worth it to have actually given me that chance I asked for, instead of just throwing me away?

It is done.

I never said it would be easy. I never said I would not hurt. And I never said that I was going to sit here and pretend that I was happy. I am not happy.

But it is done. I see no other way. I stand by what I said, how I feel and what I think.

You know where to find me. I will miss you.

Listening to: Goodbye to you - Michelle Branch

Cleaning house

And I am. And I have been. I've been cleaning for days. My house, my life. It's slow going, because things have been pretty dirty. And scrubbing through the layers has taken quite a bit of time. Good thing I have spare time, right?

When I got back from Bakersfield, I found some things broken that weren't when I left, and I ended up angry. There are quarters missing from my jar, which made me angry again. That's my OCD compulsion jar, the thing I use when I'm freaking out, and the fact that it's short makes me very angry indeed, because that jar never gets used for spending. In fact, the only reason I had grabbed it was to add to it, because I had gone through the spare change in my room, and when I realized that there were quarters missing, it both freaked me out and made me mad. So now I have nothing to compulsively count and sort and I don't know what to do.

My earlier blog referenced the fact that I'll be cutting ties with the drama in my life. This is true, and that cutting will indeed be taking place. I have tried very hard to balance a great many things. I have been making excuses and ending up frustrated and crying repeatedly, because I wasn't willing to let go of things and people who kept hurting me, simply because I wanted them too much to walk away. I have been making every excuse under the sun to keep hold of things that hurt me. I was simply a convenience in their lives, something that made their lives easier, while mine was painful. Broken promises. Tears and heartbreak and misery. And while everyone else who loved me noticed and was angry on my behalf...the actual problem never actually acknowledged their wrongdoing. It was never a problem for *them*, because honestly, I never actually mattered, I don't think. When confronted, yes, I'd get an apology of sorts, for a while. But I'm easily forgotten, and I know it.

We go 'round and 'round. And I'm honestly just tired of the merry-go-round. Even something as mundane as keeping their word about making a phone call, can't be bothered. And I'm just tired of it. I deserved better than that. I *deserve* better than that, even from a friend. I've heard over and over that no matter what, I'd not be abandoned, because I mattered too much. But none of the actions match the words. And at this point, I no longer trust the words. Words matter. Actions matter. And I'm finished now.

I told myself I'd never allow things to get so far that all I did was cry. And I hit that point, and now it's over. When I stopped being happy, it was time for it to end. I refuse to be caught in the middle of some sick twisted game, where I'm a pawn to get something else. I refuse to be in the middle of anything at all. And I refuse to keep crying and wondering and waiting for something that hurts me. I've always been stronger than that.

I'll miss my friend. He knows where to find me.

Listening to: Let her cry - Hootie and the Blowfish

Secret word of the week

This week's secret word of the week is:

relinquish


And that's it for today. I've got other things to finish getting done. Other plots to hatch. Other plans to make. Other games to play, and things to do.

For those of you who read my blog, don't worry too much about what's going on in my life, I'm doing fine. Things are settling down, and I landed on my feet. It'll take a few more weeks and things will smooth out and I'll get settled the rest of the way down and I'll start working and we'll see how things go from there.

I'm fairly sure that I have what I want and need now. And with a little help, I'm be cutting ties with all the drama and bullshit that I don't want or need. I'm doing just fine.

Secret word of the week

The secret word of the week is delayed by a day due to a slight case of my not having been online at all yesterday, mostly because I was either packing my stuff up, loading it into a car, moving said stuff the 100 or so miles from Bakersfield to Fresno and unloading it, or so dead tired that all I wanted to do was lay curled up on Phillip and be a lump. I had a lupus flare at the beginning of the morning, which made the entire day suck nuts, just to add to the fun.

But I'm back in Fresno, for the time being at any rate.

So, the word of the week is:

"intolerance"

Meh. That's it from me for today. Sorry to anyone who reads this looking for my Sunday updates. I was too busy to log in and do this yesterday. Intolerance for the win! I'll check back in later.

Peace.

Secret word of the week

Dedicated to Melissa, Emily and Lauren:

The word of the week is:

Mikveh

Congratulations and good luck for Tuesday :)

Love you :)