So busy. Picked up a second job, although I need to finish out the simulator test in order to start working. It's for a really neat company, doing research, which I think I will end up being rather good at in the long run, but I'm still having a paranoia streak about doing the actual simulator testing. Once I push past that barrier, I should do really well. I need to psyche myself into passing the test, and it'll be all good. But they hired me, and it pays well, so we'll see.
Two jobs. Who would've thought? And I'm pretty excited about school too. But it's got me busy as hell, for all intents and purposes. And that's probably good. Keeps me more or less out of trouble. Only leaves me a little bit of time left over to sit and ponder life's injustices or whatever.
I only post blogs sometimes now, well, okay, I still blog a fair bit, and I post on my work forums, which is encouraged. I like that. I really hope that I get into the general psyche class that I'm currently wait-listed on, I'd rather be in that than in the one of the other classes. We shall see. Waiting on a couple of things back from FCC still. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
Feels like I spend a lot of time doing that, even though in reality it's only been like two weeks since I started this endeavor in the first place. Wow. Has it really only been that short of a time?
Monkey's here right now, doing a fast overnight while my Mom takes care of some other stuff, and she'll be gone again tomorrow. It was just a fast stop and go, and that's just as well, since I'm working all weekend, par for the course. Besides, I can't afford to feed this kid, she's a bottomless hole! Heh, I suppose it's to be expected, she's growing up, and kids eat a lot! I forget that, since they're not around all the time.
What else is going on? Hell, I don't know, and I'm not fully focused.
Oh. Hai, Danny! Hai, Phillip! Figure I might as well wave in the direction of people I know are reading my blog. Hai Kat, Mona, Sara, Tracy, Trinette, Sam, 'Chelle, Mom!
I know I have a fair amount of "anonymous" readers, and that's all good, I get a good strong following, which I like and appreciate. It makes me happy that people enjoy reading my blog, as I enjoy writing it. So, nice to have you here, and I'll be back later, writing more useless posts for everybody's entertain, I'm sure :)
Have a good weekend!
Showing posts with label random thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random thoughts. Show all posts
Friday, July 11, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Parting shots that I didn't take
A brief aside, for the people who I chat with on a regular basis. Due to the nature of our conversations, I can't really stop myself from thinking, thus my blog. But I don't need to actually *talk*. Again, thus my blog. So, in order to not drive myself completely crazy, my blogs may or may not end up seeming as though I'm obsessing, or overly focusing on him for a while, essentially while I work this shit out of my system. But I don't need to constantly talk about it. That being said:
I had a parting shot last night that I was just dying to take. I really was. But I didn't. Perhaps because my verbal words are simply not as eloquent as my written ones? Either way.
The simple truth is that he both wanted and needed me. There's no getting around that. And I took outstanding care of him. Cooked for him, made sure he took his medications. Woke him up most mornings at the ass-crack of dawn, whether he was in my bed or with a phone call. Made him coffee and some sort of food so he could go to work. Took the pain away in more ways than one. I took good care of him. And he knows it. And he threw me away. And I probably would have ended up being the very best thing that could have happened to him. And the truth of that will most likely occur to him later. Because I only ever wanted to change one thing about him. With all of the things about his personality, about his basic makeup, the only thing I wanted to change? I wanted him to stop looking at someone else. I wanted him to focus on me.
With all of the things I could have tried to change about him, I never did. Because while a lot of things about him bother other people, none of them particularly bothered me. I liked him just as he was. Ended up defending a lot of those things to others. But they never bothered me. And I suspect at a certain point that will occur to him. I never wanted to change things about him. I just wanted him to stop looking at someone else. That was it.
Right now, he'll go to her, the one he wants and loves so much. And everything is going to be great for him. He's going to have what he's worked so hard to get. His great love. But he's a hard man to love. Because of all of those pesky flaws. And very few women would put up with the things that I so easily overlooked and simply didn't care about. And I wonder, in a few months, whether or not things will be so filled with sunshine and roses. How many things he's going to be willing to change for her? Because he isn't in the habit of changing things. He likes things his way, not anyone else's. Which wasn't altogether a problem for me. But most women aren't like me.
He just couldn't bring himself to "love" me. He wanted me. He needed me in his life. I was important...but he wants and needs his great love. And he has her now. But in a few months, when she starts to want things from him, and wants things her way. I wonder then...perhaps it would have been worth it to have actually given me that chance I asked for, instead of just throwing me away?
I had a parting shot last night that I was just dying to take. I really was. But I didn't. Perhaps because my verbal words are simply not as eloquent as my written ones? Either way.
The simple truth is that he both wanted and needed me. There's no getting around that. And I took outstanding care of him. Cooked for him, made sure he took his medications. Woke him up most mornings at the ass-crack of dawn, whether he was in my bed or with a phone call. Made him coffee and some sort of food so he could go to work. Took the pain away in more ways than one. I took good care of him. And he knows it. And he threw me away. And I probably would have ended up being the very best thing that could have happened to him. And the truth of that will most likely occur to him later. Because I only ever wanted to change one thing about him. With all of the things about his personality, about his basic makeup, the only thing I wanted to change? I wanted him to stop looking at someone else. I wanted him to focus on me.
With all of the things I could have tried to change about him, I never did. Because while a lot of things about him bother other people, none of them particularly bothered me. I liked him just as he was. Ended up defending a lot of those things to others. But they never bothered me. And I suspect at a certain point that will occur to him. I never wanted to change things about him. I just wanted him to stop looking at someone else. That was it.
Right now, he'll go to her, the one he wants and loves so much. And everything is going to be great for him. He's going to have what he's worked so hard to get. His great love. But he's a hard man to love. Because of all of those pesky flaws. And very few women would put up with the things that I so easily overlooked and simply didn't care about. And I wonder, in a few months, whether or not things will be so filled with sunshine and roses. How many things he's going to be willing to change for her? Because he isn't in the habit of changing things. He likes things his way, not anyone else's. Which wasn't altogether a problem for me. But most women aren't like me.
He just couldn't bring himself to "love" me. He wanted me. He needed me in his life. I was important...but he wants and needs his great love. And he has her now. But in a few months, when she starts to want things from him, and wants things her way. I wonder then...perhaps it would have been worth it to have actually given me that chance I asked for, instead of just throwing me away?
Monday, February 4, 2008
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Late nights and coffee
Or perhaps early mornings and coffee. I shouldn't even be awake right now, but I couldn't sleep again. So I'm sitting here quietly and blogging. I don't have a whole lot to say, not really. I haven't really talked to anyone except Melissa in days. She checked on me, and I cried copiously on her shoulder. A lot. I've been crying a lot. It's been kind of an off and on thing. I'm perfectly fine more or less and then the floodgates open again, and then I'm fine again. It's very strange.
I honestly don't know if there's any point to going home. I need to swing through town long enough to get more of my stuff, because I left so abruptly last week that I really didn't bring some of the things I actually do *need*. I have a list going now of some of the stuff I need. But aside from swinging through town for an hour or hour and a half to pack, and load up my car, and leave again...There's no reason to stay.
I feel...unwanted. Like an inconvenience to the people I thought loved me and wanted me to be there, and it's a very uncomfortable and painful feeling. And honestly, it hurt a lot to realize just how obsolete I am there. Just a space-filler?
I don't think anyone actually wants to have me around, because they want to be with me for *me*. I'm a convenient warm body. I'm a nice buffer in between other people. I'm good for this thing or that thing. I'm useful for a various set of functions, I suppose.
But does no one actually want me just because I'm Crystal? I'm beginning to wonder about that. And so I left. And now I'm gone...and nobody really seemed to care. I've been gone for days, and haven't talked to anyone except Melissa. I'll give credit where it's due there. She cares a lot, and has definitely been here for me in more ways than one, and I love and appreciate the masses of concern she's given me.
I know 'Chelle has been sick and so I've only talked to her online, I'm not bashing my friends. I'm just tired and frustrated and I feel abandoned and alone. Yes, I ran away. I suppose I thought that when I ran...someone would call and see if I was all right? Would care that I was gone? Would want to talk to me? Would want me to come home? And when no one did, it caused me to cry, and hurt, and have to re-evaluate a lot of things. Because the knowledge I thought I was secure in, I obviously am not now.
And at this point, because I have called a few people, and not gotten any answers at all...I have stopped even trying to call. I figure if anyone wants me, they know how to get ahold of me. I'm not that difficult to reach. I tried. So now I sit, and I think. And I write here, and in my journals for what I don't want the masses knowing. I'm reading a lot. Thinking a lot. And at the end of each day, I sigh because I know that every day that passes puts a little more space between me and "home". And at the end of each day, I know that I'm going to have to make some sort of decision soon, and I still don't know exactly what I want to do. I can't live in limbo forever.
I'm sad and lonely and alone. But I was tired of being home, and alone even when I wasn't alone. Tired of feeling like nobody cared and pretending everything was fine when it wasn't. Tired of fighting. I don't want to be just a convenience to someone. And if I'm going to *feel* lost and alone and used...I might as well just *be* alone.
I try so hard, so much of the time, to not ask for much from anyone. I don't ask for attention. I don't ask for love or much of anything. I never did. Not even with Danny. It was kind of sad, actually. I guess I always thought I just didn't deserve to ask for anything. Wasn't worth enough to deserve things like being loved or getting attention like normal people. And so when I actually do poke my head out of my shell and say I need something, and get slapped for my trouble, I flinch back and it's that much harder for me to attempt to ask for anything again. The problem with that is that I can end up getting trampled on, because I'm easily taken for granted...if you're not careful with me, you won't notice that I'm even there. And it's very easy to overlook the fact that I can be easily hurt...because I didn't ask for anything, and I worry easily because there are no normal agreements between partners in a relationship. I don't make "rules". I don't ask for even the slightest bit of common courtesy, because then I'd have to ask for something at all. I'd have to admit I need something, and I'm very very bad at that.
Reverse any and all basic situations...and you'll find that what you take as "what, do I have to check in with you?" I never, ever, cause you to have to worry about from me. You always have a rough idea of where I am, or what I'm up to. You don't need to worry about me. Common courtesy. Not a play by play. Not permission to be somewhere. Just a rough idea, because you have a rough idea of what time I'm generally going to be somewhere...and generally a goodnight call or text at the end of the day, so you know I didn't forget about you. Nothing complicated. Something I do for all my friends, actually. So no one worries about me. So they know they're valued, and appreciated in my life. So they don't need to ask me, to know that I care about them.
This has become a long ramble. I think I'm going to go and try to find something else to do to distract me, as it's now three o'clock in the morning.
Goodnight, internets.
I honestly don't know if there's any point to going home. I need to swing through town long enough to get more of my stuff, because I left so abruptly last week that I really didn't bring some of the things I actually do *need*. I have a list going now of some of the stuff I need. But aside from swinging through town for an hour or hour and a half to pack, and load up my car, and leave again...There's no reason to stay.
I feel...unwanted. Like an inconvenience to the people I thought loved me and wanted me to be there, and it's a very uncomfortable and painful feeling. And honestly, it hurt a lot to realize just how obsolete I am there. Just a space-filler?
I don't think anyone actually wants to have me around, because they want to be with me for *me*. I'm a convenient warm body. I'm a nice buffer in between other people. I'm good for this thing or that thing. I'm useful for a various set of functions, I suppose.
But does no one actually want me just because I'm Crystal? I'm beginning to wonder about that. And so I left. And now I'm gone...and nobody really seemed to care. I've been gone for days, and haven't talked to anyone except Melissa. I'll give credit where it's due there. She cares a lot, and has definitely been here for me in more ways than one, and I love and appreciate the masses of concern she's given me.
I know 'Chelle has been sick and so I've only talked to her online, I'm not bashing my friends. I'm just tired and frustrated and I feel abandoned and alone. Yes, I ran away. I suppose I thought that when I ran...someone would call and see if I was all right? Would care that I was gone? Would want to talk to me? Would want me to come home? And when no one did, it caused me to cry, and hurt, and have to re-evaluate a lot of things. Because the knowledge I thought I was secure in, I obviously am not now.
And at this point, because I have called a few people, and not gotten any answers at all...I have stopped even trying to call. I figure if anyone wants me, they know how to get ahold of me. I'm not that difficult to reach. I tried. So now I sit, and I think. And I write here, and in my journals for what I don't want the masses knowing. I'm reading a lot. Thinking a lot. And at the end of each day, I sigh because I know that every day that passes puts a little more space between me and "home". And at the end of each day, I know that I'm going to have to make some sort of decision soon, and I still don't know exactly what I want to do. I can't live in limbo forever.
I'm sad and lonely and alone. But I was tired of being home, and alone even when I wasn't alone. Tired of feeling like nobody cared and pretending everything was fine when it wasn't. Tired of fighting. I don't want to be just a convenience to someone. And if I'm going to *feel* lost and alone and used...I might as well just *be* alone.
I try so hard, so much of the time, to not ask for much from anyone. I don't ask for attention. I don't ask for love or much of anything. I never did. Not even with Danny. It was kind of sad, actually. I guess I always thought I just didn't deserve to ask for anything. Wasn't worth enough to deserve things like being loved or getting attention like normal people. And so when I actually do poke my head out of my shell and say I need something, and get slapped for my trouble, I flinch back and it's that much harder for me to attempt to ask for anything again. The problem with that is that I can end up getting trampled on, because I'm easily taken for granted...if you're not careful with me, you won't notice that I'm even there. And it's very easy to overlook the fact that I can be easily hurt...because I didn't ask for anything, and I worry easily because there are no normal agreements between partners in a relationship. I don't make "rules". I don't ask for even the slightest bit of common courtesy, because then I'd have to ask for something at all. I'd have to admit I need something, and I'm very very bad at that.
Reverse any and all basic situations...and you'll find that what you take as "what, do I have to check in with you?" I never, ever, cause you to have to worry about from me. You always have a rough idea of where I am, or what I'm up to. You don't need to worry about me. Common courtesy. Not a play by play. Not permission to be somewhere. Just a rough idea, because you have a rough idea of what time I'm generally going to be somewhere...and generally a goodnight call or text at the end of the day, so you know I didn't forget about you. Nothing complicated. Something I do for all my friends, actually. So no one worries about me. So they know they're valued, and appreciated in my life. So they don't need to ask me, to know that I care about them.
This has become a long ramble. I think I'm going to go and try to find something else to do to distract me, as it's now three o'clock in the morning.
Goodnight, internets.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Things to ponder
If a man wants you, nothing will keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing will make him stay. Stop making excuses for him and his behavior. Allow your intuition to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Moving slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then hell no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things haven't gotten better. The only person you can control in a relationship is yourself. Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how he treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let him know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change his behavior. Change comes from within. Don't *ever* make yourself feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or has a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more and nothing less. Never let him define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, *he will cheat on you*. He will only treat you the way you *allow* him to treat you. All men are *not* jerks. You should not be the one doing all the bending. Compromise is a two way street. There is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues. You should never look for someone to *complete* you. A relationship consists of two *whole* individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary. Relationships can be fun, even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes. When he always knows where you are, and you are always readily available to him, he takes it for granted. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.
***
I got this as a forward from a friend who had been single for ten years, and is now happy in a relationship. It gave me food for thought.
***
I got this as a forward from a friend who had been single for ten years, and is now happy in a relationship. It gave me food for thought.
Love
So what is love, right? I can put down the dictionary definitions, and have, below. Because that seems to be a source of great conflict lately, what love is. For me, personally, and for others. Even I'm having trouble with it, which is difficult for me to admit. Someone asked me today if I love him, now, the way he is, flaws and problems and everything, or if I'm still clinging to the past and trying to "fix" the injuries from then. And my only response could be "unfortunately, yes, I love him now". Because I do love him. Flaws and all. His and mine both. Even if I wanted it to be some other way, I can't change what I feel, and who I am. I look at him, and I see clearly who that is. I don't want to change any part of it. I can accept it without any qualms, because I don't have a problem with it. I don't need him to be anything more or less than who he is. If he wants to pursue something, I support it. If he wants to be still, I support that too. I want nothing more complicated than for him to be happy, because that makes me happy. I simply don't know how to help with that. And *that* hurts me. Because I don't know how to help with it.
He's conflicted because of me. And that hurts. Because I can so easily see that I can take the bad with the good, and I'm all right with that. I don't need perfection. I don't ask for the impossible dream. I never have, I never will. People aren't perfect. People are people. Mistakes get made. We just get up, dust ourselves off, and keep going. It's what makes us human. We move on, and if you care enough, if you love enough, you hold out your hands, and say that it's all right, and try again. Because it matters, you keep trying. Or at least, I do.
Maybe I'm just built that way. Maybe I'm just not normal. I can put all my focus into giving everything. Maybe I just can't be any other way...
Define "love"...
http://dictionary.reference.com/help/luna.html
love /lʌv/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[luhv] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with.
–verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.
—Verb phrase
22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.
—Idioms
23. for love,
a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.
27. make love,
a. to embrace and kiss as lovers.
b. to engage in sexual activity.
—Synonyms 1. tenderness, fondness, predilection, warmth, passion, adoration. 1, 2. Love, affection, devotion all mean a deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person. Love may apply to various kinds of regard: the charity of the Creator, reverent adoration toward God or toward a person, the relation of parent and child, the regard of friends for each other, romantic feelings for another person, etc. Affection is a fondness for others that is enduring and tender, but calm. Devotion is an intense love and steadfast, enduring loyalty to a person; it may also imply consecration to a cause. 2. liking, inclination, regard, friendliness. 15. like. 16. adore, adulate, worship.
http://dictionary.reference.com/help/ahd4.html
love (lŭv) Pronunciation Key
n.
1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
3.
1. Sexual passion.
2. Sexual intercourse.
3. A love affair.
4. A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
5. The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.
4. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
5. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
6. An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.
7.
1. A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
2. The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.
8. Love Mythology Eros or Cupid.
9. often Love Christianity Charity.
10. Sports A zero score in tennis.
v. loved, lov·ing, loves
v. tr.
1. To have a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward (a person): We love our parents. I love my friends.
2. To have a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward (a person).
3. To have an intense emotional attachment to: loves his house.
4.
1. To embrace or caress.
2. To have sexual intercourse with.
5. To like or desire enthusiastically: loves swimming.
6. Theology To have charity for.
7. To thrive on; need: The cactus loves hot, dry air.
v. intr.
To experience deep affection or intense desire for another.
[Middle English, from Old English lufu; see leubh- in Indo-European roots.]
Synonyms: These nouns denote feelings of warm personal attachment or strong attraction to another person. Love is the most intense: marrying for love.
Affection is a less ardent and more unvarying feeling of tender regard: parental affection.
Devotion is earnest, affectionate dedication and implies selflessness: teachers admired for their devotion to children.
Fondness is strong liking or affection: a fondness for small animals.
Infatuation is foolish or extravagant attraction, often of short duration: lovers blinded to their differences by their mutual infatuation.
He's conflicted because of me. And that hurts. Because I can so easily see that I can take the bad with the good, and I'm all right with that. I don't need perfection. I don't ask for the impossible dream. I never have, I never will. People aren't perfect. People are people. Mistakes get made. We just get up, dust ourselves off, and keep going. It's what makes us human. We move on, and if you care enough, if you love enough, you hold out your hands, and say that it's all right, and try again. Because it matters, you keep trying. Or at least, I do.
Maybe I'm just built that way. Maybe I'm just not normal. I can put all my focus into giving everything. Maybe I just can't be any other way...
Define "love"...
http://dictionary.reference.com/help/luna.html
love /lʌv/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[luhv] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with.
–verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.
—Verb phrase
22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.
—Idioms
23. for love,
a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.
27. make love,
a. to embrace and kiss as lovers.
b. to engage in sexual activity.
—Synonyms 1. tenderness, fondness, predilection, warmth, passion, adoration. 1, 2. Love, affection, devotion all mean a deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person. Love may apply to various kinds of regard: the charity of the Creator, reverent adoration toward God or toward a person, the relation of parent and child, the regard of friends for each other, romantic feelings for another person, etc. Affection is a fondness for others that is enduring and tender, but calm. Devotion is an intense love and steadfast, enduring loyalty to a person; it may also imply consecration to a cause. 2. liking, inclination, regard, friendliness. 15. like. 16. adore, adulate, worship.
http://dictionary.reference.com/help/ahd4.html
love (lŭv) Pronunciation Key
n.
1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
3.
1. Sexual passion.
2. Sexual intercourse.
3. A love affair.
4. A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
5. The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.
4. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
5. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
6. An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.
7.
1. A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
2. The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.
8. Love Mythology Eros or Cupid.
9. often Love Christianity Charity.
10. Sports A zero score in tennis.
v. loved, lov·ing, loves
v. tr.
1. To have a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward (a person): We love our parents. I love my friends.
2. To have a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward (a person).
3. To have an intense emotional attachment to: loves his house.
4.
1. To embrace or caress.
2. To have sexual intercourse with.
5. To like or desire enthusiastically: loves swimming.
6. Theology To have charity for.
7. To thrive on; need: The cactus loves hot, dry air.
v. intr.
To experience deep affection or intense desire for another.
[Middle English, from Old English lufu; see leubh- in Indo-European roots.]
Synonyms: These nouns denote feelings of warm personal attachment or strong attraction to another person. Love is the most intense: marrying for love.
Affection is a less ardent and more unvarying feeling of tender regard: parental affection.
Devotion is earnest, affectionate dedication and implies selflessness: teachers admired for their devotion to children.
Fondness is strong liking or affection: a fondness for small animals.
Infatuation is foolish or extravagant attraction, often of short duration: lovers blinded to their differences by their mutual infatuation.
Mindless Babble
I can't sleep. I'm just wandering around, aimlessly. I feel lost, even in my mind. I'm supposed to be making decisions. But I'm still torn. I ran away, because I can't stand the fighting. I don't want to fight. I hate it. I just want peace. I want to be happy, is that so horrible, to want to be happy?
I want everything, and nothing, both together. I don't expect birds to sing and rainbows to shine over my head and to dance into the sunset with a perfect storybook happy ending. I never have.
But I don't want to feel alone, even when someone is with me. I don't want to reach out, and be pushed away. I don't want to always feel like you're angry with me.
I want to come home, to know that you *want* me to come home. Want to be with me once I get there. I've grown so used to you that I almost can't sleep without you with me. It hurts to not have you here. I woke up with a nightmare and reached for you..and cried when I realized there was no one. And I realized that I have gotten dependent on you for comfort. That I feel safe in my sleep with you there. That most of the nightmares are held at bay. But that might not be the case much longer. I can't control how you feel. I can't make you want to stay.
I ran away because I was afraid of a fight that we were in the middle of. I was too afraid to face anything, so I bolted. And now that I'm gone, I just don't have a clue what to do. I don't know if I should go home. I don't know if I should stay gone. I don't really know anything.
So I'm just wandering aimlessly, and thinking in circles that are essentially driving me slowly insane. And at the end of the day, I'm right back where I started. I don't know what to do.
I was hoping that perhaps I'd get some input from other sources, but I don't seem to be actually getting any help from anybody but myself. Which isn't very helpful, being that I can't seem to think in any kind of useful pattern.
This entire blog has been more or less a fruitless circle of pointless babble. Yay.
(goes whistling off into sunset) (or cloudcover)
I want everything, and nothing, both together. I don't expect birds to sing and rainbows to shine over my head and to dance into the sunset with a perfect storybook happy ending. I never have.
But I don't want to feel alone, even when someone is with me. I don't want to reach out, and be pushed away. I don't want to always feel like you're angry with me.
I want to come home, to know that you *want* me to come home. Want to be with me once I get there. I've grown so used to you that I almost can't sleep without you with me. It hurts to not have you here. I woke up with a nightmare and reached for you..and cried when I realized there was no one. And I realized that I have gotten dependent on you for comfort. That I feel safe in my sleep with you there. That most of the nightmares are held at bay. But that might not be the case much longer. I can't control how you feel. I can't make you want to stay.
I ran away because I was afraid of a fight that we were in the middle of. I was too afraid to face anything, so I bolted. And now that I'm gone, I just don't have a clue what to do. I don't know if I should go home. I don't know if I should stay gone. I don't really know anything.
So I'm just wandering aimlessly, and thinking in circles that are essentially driving me slowly insane. And at the end of the day, I'm right back where I started. I don't know what to do.
I was hoping that perhaps I'd get some input from other sources, but I don't seem to be actually getting any help from anybody but myself. Which isn't very helpful, being that I can't seem to think in any kind of useful pattern.
This entire blog has been more or less a fruitless circle of pointless babble. Yay.
(goes whistling off into sunset) (or cloudcover)
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Busybodies.
So it seems that I once again have new stalkers on my blog reader list. It seems to come in cycles, which I find kind of amusing. So many people who hate my guts can't seem to keep away from reading what I have to write here, and that really does amuse me.
So for those people who are so interested in what's going on in my life, I guess I'll update.
I went out of town, to do some thinking. I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. I need to evaluate a lot of things. I will most likely spend some time on the phone, and a lot of time thinking.
So for those people who are so interested in what's going on in my life, I guess I'll update.
I went out of town, to do some thinking. I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. I need to evaluate a lot of things. I will most likely spend some time on the phone, and a lot of time thinking.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
I don't need anything
Or anyone...Wouldn't that be nice? Meh, not true though. I need people sometimes. Everyone does. I don't need many people very often. And even then, I don't like admitting it aloud. I'm just feeling a little off today, and so I'm blogging while I sit in quiet contemplation in my room. The radio is playing in the living room, and I can barely hear it, so it's mostly just background noise. Ezzie is sitting in my windowsill and keeping me company. I love my kitty.
I can't just talk. I can't just sit down and face to face talk to people. I'm not good at that. I want to be. I simply lack those skills. Even with practice, I'm not sure that I'll ever be good at that sort of thing. I was once. I had interpersonal skills, and could easily talk for hours in a one-on-one situation. I lost those skills at some point, and now I'm better off with a computer keyboard. I do better with a screen between myself and others.
This is random, and I apologize to anyone who is reading it and is getting confused here. Just gonna have to bear with me and my confused ramblings.
Catch everybody later.
I can't just talk. I can't just sit down and face to face talk to people. I'm not good at that. I want to be. I simply lack those skills. Even with practice, I'm not sure that I'll ever be good at that sort of thing. I was once. I had interpersonal skills, and could easily talk for hours in a one-on-one situation. I lost those skills at some point, and now I'm better off with a computer keyboard. I do better with a screen between myself and others.
This is random, and I apologize to anyone who is reading it and is getting confused here. Just gonna have to bear with me and my confused ramblings.
Catch everybody later.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Midnight musings
I don't even know where to begin...
My brother has moved on. He's heading back up north, to the Portland/Seattle area again, back to his regular life. Things are trickling along here, doing whatever it is they're going to be doing for a while, and that's more or less as much as I'm willing to tag on here for a bit.
I've been enjoying Mona's company during her lunch breaks immensely lately, because it turns out I'm quite close to her work, and as a result during her hour long lunch, she has enough time to bop over and eat here. It's very pleasant and she is excellent company.
The neurological exam is all systems go, and all lights green. Things are looking up. I feel pretty good, actually, in a completely physical sense. I hope it continues. I'm back behind the wheel of my car, although I won't be doing much of it, because I do still want to continue conserving the gas. But it's nice to know I'm in control of it just the same.
We got the Saturn tagged, although we had to pay a late fee, because DMV sucks nuts, and while we notified them that we'd moved, they only updated Danny's license, not his registration tags. Idiots. But at least it's handled. So both cars are good for another year.
For those of you who are familiar with my random musings, I'm doing alright. I'm a little scattered, because I have a lot on my mind lately. Concerns for my friends, concerns for myself. As usual, things will be fine. I will be alright, as I always am. I appreciate the concern, and if I need you, rest assured, I'll ask for help. To those who have come flying to my rescue recently, thank you in ways I cannot begin to express. For those whose shoulders have been available to me to cry on, and whose arms have held me while I cried...I needed it. Even though I don't like admitting it. So thanks, because it's rare indeed for me to ask for help, and I'm both amazed and grateful to you for dropping everything and coming when I needed you most, and holding me when I needed nothing more. And asking nothing in return. I love you.
With that, I need to go and find something to eat, and spend some time with my sorely neglected cat, who thinks the sky is falling and his world is ending. Goodnight internets. Goodnight readers. Sleep well. Have happy dreams. Blessed be.
My brother has moved on. He's heading back up north, to the Portland/Seattle area again, back to his regular life. Things are trickling along here, doing whatever it is they're going to be doing for a while, and that's more or less as much as I'm willing to tag on here for a bit.
I've been enjoying Mona's company during her lunch breaks immensely lately, because it turns out I'm quite close to her work, and as a result during her hour long lunch, she has enough time to bop over and eat here. It's very pleasant and she is excellent company.
The neurological exam is all systems go, and all lights green. Things are looking up. I feel pretty good, actually, in a completely physical sense. I hope it continues. I'm back behind the wheel of my car, although I won't be doing much of it, because I do still want to continue conserving the gas. But it's nice to know I'm in control of it just the same.
We got the Saturn tagged, although we had to pay a late fee, because DMV sucks nuts, and while we notified them that we'd moved, they only updated Danny's license, not his registration tags. Idiots. But at least it's handled. So both cars are good for another year.
For those of you who are familiar with my random musings, I'm doing alright. I'm a little scattered, because I have a lot on my mind lately. Concerns for my friends, concerns for myself. As usual, things will be fine. I will be alright, as I always am. I appreciate the concern, and if I need you, rest assured, I'll ask for help. To those who have come flying to my rescue recently, thank you in ways I cannot begin to express. For those whose shoulders have been available to me to cry on, and whose arms have held me while I cried...I needed it. Even though I don't like admitting it. So thanks, because it's rare indeed for me to ask for help, and I'm both amazed and grateful to you for dropping everything and coming when I needed you most, and holding me when I needed nothing more. And asking nothing in return. I love you.
With that, I need to go and find something to eat, and spend some time with my sorely neglected cat, who thinks the sky is falling and his world is ending. Goodnight internets. Goodnight readers. Sleep well. Have happy dreams. Blessed be.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Which would you prefer?
Truth be told...When the chips are down, do you honestly want your friend to have your back? Do you want their actions to match their words, no matter what, or do you want them to simply say the words?
I was informed this morning that I can be *scary*. Isn't that nice? People fear me. I've known that for a while. It isn't exactly news to me. I asked what it is about me that's so frightening.
People seem to fear me, because I won't pull a punch, and I have no compunctions about doing the difficult thing when the chips are down. If you tell me you're in the rock and hard place position and can't make the decision, I can make the hard choice. Even when it sucks. I can be the asshole. Even when it costs me a friend, if in the end, it means that someone I love or care about ends up standing on their own two feet, in one piece and happy, I can be the one who ends up alone if they end up okay.
So that makes me scary? I won't apologize for that. And I had to try to articulate that. I had to sit and try to make sense of it in a way for someone else to understand. Yes, I am domineering. Yes, I have a very weird set of personal standards.
But when it comes right down to it, who do *you* want at your back? Do you really want the friend who mouths the right words about how much they care about you? Or do you want the friend who will step up, and actually *do* something that can help you, even if it means that they end up bleeding and bruised, and you end up still standing? Because at the end of the day, that's who I am. I'm the person who will be laying on the floor bleeding, while you're in one piece. And you know what? I am alright with that.
It has cost me more friends than I can count over the years. It has cost me people I still love. It has cost me things I try very hard not to think about, and it has caused me to have self-defense mechanisms like no other. But it has also made me who I am, and made me incredibly strong.
I can hold my head up and respect myself. I can respect the decisions I made. I can look at the situations I was in and the end results and the places those people are in now, because of decisions I made, and I can smile at the lives they made because of things I did. That's enough for me. And they hate me. And that's okay.
I was informed this morning that I can be *scary*. Isn't that nice? People fear me. I've known that for a while. It isn't exactly news to me. I asked what it is about me that's so frightening.
People seem to fear me, because I won't pull a punch, and I have no compunctions about doing the difficult thing when the chips are down. If you tell me you're in the rock and hard place position and can't make the decision, I can make the hard choice. Even when it sucks. I can be the asshole. Even when it costs me a friend, if in the end, it means that someone I love or care about ends up standing on their own two feet, in one piece and happy, I can be the one who ends up alone if they end up okay.
So that makes me scary? I won't apologize for that. And I had to try to articulate that. I had to sit and try to make sense of it in a way for someone else to understand. Yes, I am domineering. Yes, I have a very weird set of personal standards.
But when it comes right down to it, who do *you* want at your back? Do you really want the friend who mouths the right words about how much they care about you? Or do you want the friend who will step up, and actually *do* something that can help you, even if it means that they end up bleeding and bruised, and you end up still standing? Because at the end of the day, that's who I am. I'm the person who will be laying on the floor bleeding, while you're in one piece. And you know what? I am alright with that.
It has cost me more friends than I can count over the years. It has cost me people I still love. It has cost me things I try very hard not to think about, and it has caused me to have self-defense mechanisms like no other. But it has also made me who I am, and made me incredibly strong.
I can hold my head up and respect myself. I can respect the decisions I made. I can look at the situations I was in and the end results and the places those people are in now, because of decisions I made, and I can smile at the lives they made because of things I did. That's enough for me. And they hate me. And that's okay.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Things change/sometimes they circle around/sometimes they just change
I am so tired. And cold. I'm freezing. I've been freezing all day it seems. I got a little bit chilled this morning, and it snowballed (no pun intended) into complete freezing by this afternoon. I've spent most of the afternoon in bed buried in blankets with Esbat, trying to get warm. I'm sure I'll get there eventually. Nobody stays frozen forever.
So with all the bullshit drama that's going on, I've been venting on here. I probably will continue to do so, because that's how I am. I know more or less what's going on with everybody, because everyone talks to me, and I'm good with that. What I'm not good with is what's happening to Tony. Don't get me wrong, I saw his happy little blog post today. But it smells suspiciously like bullshit. And it smells like bullshit mostly because it probably is. I'm sure he wrote it, with all the spelling mistakes, I'll concede it probably was written by him. I just wonder whether or not Courtney was standing behind him with a crowbar while he wrote it. Seems to me that if things are as warm and fuzzy as claimed, then he'd be going to his friend's homes and hanging out. He'd be going to lake, and enjoying himself, and not going in to be "punished" for having left the house when he gets home. He wouldn't only be speaking to people from work, instead of taking calls at home. When you have to sneak around to talk to people, when you have to claim you hate people that you actually don't hate, something is definitely wrong in your life.
Now, me personally. I don't much care when someone hates me or not. I've been through that particular minefield too many times in my life to even register it anymore. And I can take it or leave it, for the most part, on friendships. I don't go out of my way to hurt anybody. I haven't bothered going out of my way to hurt anyone, physically, emotionally, or any other way in years. I simply don't care that much about other people's opinions anymore.
I was willing to go out of my way to not attend gatherings being held at Tony's friend's houses, because I didn't want him to be forced by Courtney to stay home if I was there. It was mostly a common courtesy gesture on my part, because I know how much Tony means to people like Kat. She loves him like a brother, and she shouldn't have to explain my presence or deal with the shitstorm that ensues because of me, just to be able to spend time with him. And yet, in spite of my *not* going out and hanging out, he still wasn't supposed to go, and Courtney definitely made him pay for it. God ony knows what the hell she does to him besides degrade him and insult him when people are *not* present to see it. She certainly treats him horribly when people are there, s I cringe when I think of how it must be when nobody's there when she's in one of her moods.
It's as though she woke up three days after the wedding, and decided that she was going to be the one in charge of absolutely everything. I know that she was treated like complete shit by her ex-husbands. I know that she's been through quite a bit in the last few years. But I also know that Tony treats her very well indeed, and in return, she treats him like he's some annoying house pet that she tolerates because it's expected, but doesn't actually love. He's supposed to tell her she's wonderful and beautiful and how much he loves her all the time. While at the same time, she calls him stupid and useless and bitches about everything he does, 90% of the time. That isn't love.
See, a decade ago, I wouldn't have seen anything wrong with what she's doing. That was before I got together with Danny. But I've been with Danny now for a long time, and it's taught me what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. Companionship. Respect. Honesty. Trust. Those are all integral parts of a partnership, and marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship. Courtney should remember that, given how she was treated all those years.
And because of that, I just can't understand what she's doing. I know that she's probably getting feedback from Jennifer about her behaviour, and that Jennifer's probably encouraging it, because I gathered when I came into contact with Jennifer that she still has a 'me me me' complex. I hope for society's sake she outgrows it, but whatever. This isn't high school, and her influence on Court is hurting Tony terribly. And Tony's a nice man, who doesn't deserve to be living in hell constantly.
I've discussed what I think with some of my friends. I just don't understand. I got dumped all over, I got used for a couple thousand dollars worth of stuff. I had the police called on me for threats I never made. I had some truly vicious messages left on my home voicemail, and I had to watch Danny be upset because he was worried that Courtney might do something truly stupid like try to break into the apartment, because she's been so unbalanced. And I defended her, to him, to everyone. I defended her problems to everyone, made excuses for her when she was acting like a spoiled four year old child. And then I got dumped all over, as soon as she had what she wanted, which appeared to have been having her wedding paid for. And pay, I most certainlyl did. Georgia yelled at me because she doesn't want anybody to be taken advantage of. She's a nice lady, and I appreciated what she said. Maybe I give too much, too easily. I don't really think about it while I'm doing it, because it's just who I am.
And I've been spending time with Kat, with Mona, with Stewie, with all of the "friends" that used to be Courtney's. And I like them. They're good people. I've enjoyed getting to know Kat, as the adult woman that she is now, instead of the teenage girl in high school that I only vaguely remember. I have enjoyed getting to know Mona and Doug, because I have things in common with them. I enjoy hanging out with Stew, because he reminds me of a time in my life that I remember fondly. But because I did vaguely know Kat before, she's the one who I focus on when things are going on. I didn't have any history with Mona or Stewie, so to me, what they do, or don't do, never comes as a surprise to me, because there's no comparison factor. But with Kat, it constantly surprises me. She goes out of her way to make sure that I don't end up feeling used. Not that she says anything about it, it's just sort of a gentle nudge that I shouldn't pay for things for her. She splits the bill for lunch. She pays for her own things at the store. She thanks me every time I take her anywhere, even though it's not inconvenient to me at all to take her in the first place. And when Georgia said what she said, about not needing to pay for everything for everyone in order to have friends, I suddenly realized that these "friends" of Courtney's are more friends to me than she was. None of them are interested in me for any money I do or don't have. None of them want anything more complicated than to hang out, and kick back. And I'm guessing that Tony would have fallen into that category too, if it wasn't for Courtney. She suddenly became mercenary, and I hadn't been paying attention, and I got taken in. And she pressured Tony into doing things he didn't want to do, and accepting things he never wanted in the first place, just to appease her. I would have liked to keep Tony as a friend, but I know that isn't possible. It would probably cost him his marriage if he was to acknowledge that I'm not the anti-Christ. And that's okay, it's his decision. I understand the desire to save a marriage. I don't believe in divorce, so I totally understand it. But it hurts me to see how he's treated. Or even to hear about it second-hand. Or third-hand. Or whatever.
Courtney needs to grasp that nobody is out to get her. I'm not going to tiptoe around and go out of my way to avoid her, because that's childish, and would be akin to giving in to a child's tantrum. But neither am I going to go out of my way to contact Tony now, because he doesn't need the extra hassle of listening to her yell any more. At least, not about me. I'm sure she can find other things to be mean about besides me. I'll miss him. I miss her, but not enough to go back into the round robin cycle of trouble that accompanies her. I hope she continues to get therapy, and takes her meds in a way that makes her become stable again, so maybe the person I remember will come back at some point. Her mom would be disappointed to know that she's treating anyone the way she's been treating her friends lately. I know I'm disappointed in what she's suddenly become, but I can't allow it to be my problem anymore. I tried, to the best of my ability to help. I can't keep beating my head against a wall.
The pizza is here, and I'm going to go and finally catch up on all the "Smallville" I'm two months behind in watching. I'm going to shut down the ringers on the phone, the same way I just advised Kat to do, so she could get some rest. I'm going to spend time with my boyfriend/fiance/husband (giggle), and enjoy my life. And I'm going to pet my cat.
Goodnight everybody. Be well. Be happy. Treat others the way you would want to be treated, and tell the people you love that you love them.
So with all the bullshit drama that's going on, I've been venting on here. I probably will continue to do so, because that's how I am. I know more or less what's going on with everybody, because everyone talks to me, and I'm good with that. What I'm not good with is what's happening to Tony. Don't get me wrong, I saw his happy little blog post today. But it smells suspiciously like bullshit. And it smells like bullshit mostly because it probably is. I'm sure he wrote it, with all the spelling mistakes, I'll concede it probably was written by him. I just wonder whether or not Courtney was standing behind him with a crowbar while he wrote it. Seems to me that if things are as warm and fuzzy as claimed, then he'd be going to his friend's homes and hanging out. He'd be going to lake, and enjoying himself, and not going in to be "punished" for having left the house when he gets home. He wouldn't only be speaking to people from work, instead of taking calls at home. When you have to sneak around to talk to people, when you have to claim you hate people that you actually don't hate, something is definitely wrong in your life.
Now, me personally. I don't much care when someone hates me or not. I've been through that particular minefield too many times in my life to even register it anymore. And I can take it or leave it, for the most part, on friendships. I don't go out of my way to hurt anybody. I haven't bothered going out of my way to hurt anyone, physically, emotionally, or any other way in years. I simply don't care that much about other people's opinions anymore.
I was willing to go out of my way to not attend gatherings being held at Tony's friend's houses, because I didn't want him to be forced by Courtney to stay home if I was there. It was mostly a common courtesy gesture on my part, because I know how much Tony means to people like Kat. She loves him like a brother, and she shouldn't have to explain my presence or deal with the shitstorm that ensues because of me, just to be able to spend time with him. And yet, in spite of my *not* going out and hanging out, he still wasn't supposed to go, and Courtney definitely made him pay for it. God ony knows what the hell she does to him besides degrade him and insult him when people are *not* present to see it. She certainly treats him horribly when people are there, s I cringe when I think of how it must be when nobody's there when she's in one of her moods.
It's as though she woke up three days after the wedding, and decided that she was going to be the one in charge of absolutely everything. I know that she was treated like complete shit by her ex-husbands. I know that she's been through quite a bit in the last few years. But I also know that Tony treats her very well indeed, and in return, she treats him like he's some annoying house pet that she tolerates because it's expected, but doesn't actually love. He's supposed to tell her she's wonderful and beautiful and how much he loves her all the time. While at the same time, she calls him stupid and useless and bitches about everything he does, 90% of the time. That isn't love.
See, a decade ago, I wouldn't have seen anything wrong with what she's doing. That was before I got together with Danny. But I've been with Danny now for a long time, and it's taught me what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. Companionship. Respect. Honesty. Trust. Those are all integral parts of a partnership, and marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship. Courtney should remember that, given how she was treated all those years.
And because of that, I just can't understand what she's doing. I know that she's probably getting feedback from Jennifer about her behaviour, and that Jennifer's probably encouraging it, because I gathered when I came into contact with Jennifer that she still has a 'me me me' complex. I hope for society's sake she outgrows it, but whatever. This isn't high school, and her influence on Court is hurting Tony terribly. And Tony's a nice man, who doesn't deserve to be living in hell constantly.
I've discussed what I think with some of my friends. I just don't understand. I got dumped all over, I got used for a couple thousand dollars worth of stuff. I had the police called on me for threats I never made. I had some truly vicious messages left on my home voicemail, and I had to watch Danny be upset because he was worried that Courtney might do something truly stupid like try to break into the apartment, because she's been so unbalanced. And I defended her, to him, to everyone. I defended her problems to everyone, made excuses for her when she was acting like a spoiled four year old child. And then I got dumped all over, as soon as she had what she wanted, which appeared to have been having her wedding paid for. And pay, I most certainlyl did. Georgia yelled at me because she doesn't want anybody to be taken advantage of. She's a nice lady, and I appreciated what she said. Maybe I give too much, too easily. I don't really think about it while I'm doing it, because it's just who I am.
And I've been spending time with Kat, with Mona, with Stewie, with all of the "friends" that used to be Courtney's. And I like them. They're good people. I've enjoyed getting to know Kat, as the adult woman that she is now, instead of the teenage girl in high school that I only vaguely remember. I have enjoyed getting to know Mona and Doug, because I have things in common with them. I enjoy hanging out with Stew, because he reminds me of a time in my life that I remember fondly. But because I did vaguely know Kat before, she's the one who I focus on when things are going on. I didn't have any history with Mona or Stewie, so to me, what they do, or don't do, never comes as a surprise to me, because there's no comparison factor. But with Kat, it constantly surprises me. She goes out of her way to make sure that I don't end up feeling used. Not that she says anything about it, it's just sort of a gentle nudge that I shouldn't pay for things for her. She splits the bill for lunch. She pays for her own things at the store. She thanks me every time I take her anywhere, even though it's not inconvenient to me at all to take her in the first place. And when Georgia said what she said, about not needing to pay for everything for everyone in order to have friends, I suddenly realized that these "friends" of Courtney's are more friends to me than she was. None of them are interested in me for any money I do or don't have. None of them want anything more complicated than to hang out, and kick back. And I'm guessing that Tony would have fallen into that category too, if it wasn't for Courtney. She suddenly became mercenary, and I hadn't been paying attention, and I got taken in. And she pressured Tony into doing things he didn't want to do, and accepting things he never wanted in the first place, just to appease her. I would have liked to keep Tony as a friend, but I know that isn't possible. It would probably cost him his marriage if he was to acknowledge that I'm not the anti-Christ. And that's okay, it's his decision. I understand the desire to save a marriage. I don't believe in divorce, so I totally understand it. But it hurts me to see how he's treated. Or even to hear about it second-hand. Or third-hand. Or whatever.
Courtney needs to grasp that nobody is out to get her. I'm not going to tiptoe around and go out of my way to avoid her, because that's childish, and would be akin to giving in to a child's tantrum. But neither am I going to go out of my way to contact Tony now, because he doesn't need the extra hassle of listening to her yell any more. At least, not about me. I'm sure she can find other things to be mean about besides me. I'll miss him. I miss her, but not enough to go back into the round robin cycle of trouble that accompanies her. I hope she continues to get therapy, and takes her meds in a way that makes her become stable again, so maybe the person I remember will come back at some point. Her mom would be disappointed to know that she's treating anyone the way she's been treating her friends lately. I know I'm disappointed in what she's suddenly become, but I can't allow it to be my problem anymore. I tried, to the best of my ability to help. I can't keep beating my head against a wall.
The pizza is here, and I'm going to go and finally catch up on all the "Smallville" I'm two months behind in watching. I'm going to shut down the ringers on the phone, the same way I just advised Kat to do, so she could get some rest. I'm going to spend time with my boyfriend/fiance/husband (giggle), and enjoy my life. And I'm going to pet my cat.
Goodnight everybody. Be well. Be happy. Treat others the way you would want to be treated, and tell the people you love that you love them.
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