This week's secret word of the week is:
"expecting"
Goodnight internets, I'm off to go log back in to the work server.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Mmm..my job. And the fact that Phil is an asshat.
And yes, that's the title, but only because I was on the phone, and that was what I said to the person I was talking to. And it amused me.
So I started my new job, and I'm actually pretty good at it. Not as great as some of the people who've been doing it for years. But decent. And being good at your job, always a plus. Also, not hating your job, for the win.
And Phil, well, he *is* an asshat. There's just no getting around that. But he's an asshat who probably did me a good turn by proving to me that he couldn't be trusted, and that every word he said to me was a lie. At least I'll always know now that anything he ever says is going to be bullshit. Good to know at least.
I had always said that he'd leave...and he did. I said that he'd abandon me, when someone demanded he drop me, and he finally proved me right, just as I predicted. I wonder how many more of my predictions will pan out over the next few months?
Meh, not that it really matters much anymore. My life is moving on, and with it, things are kind of calming down.
Well, as calm as they *can* be at any rate. Some things are still up in the air, and true to form, I'll post that as it comes up, but in the meantime, I'm treating the symptoms, if not the underlying problems.
Love to all, and know that for right now I'm doing more or less fine. I'll have a new word of the week up tomorrow.
C
So I started my new job, and I'm actually pretty good at it. Not as great as some of the people who've been doing it for years. But decent. And being good at your job, always a plus. Also, not hating your job, for the win.
And Phil, well, he *is* an asshat. There's just no getting around that. But he's an asshat who probably did me a good turn by proving to me that he couldn't be trusted, and that every word he said to me was a lie. At least I'll always know now that anything he ever says is going to be bullshit. Good to know at least.
I had always said that he'd leave...and he did. I said that he'd abandon me, when someone demanded he drop me, and he finally proved me right, just as I predicted. I wonder how many more of my predictions will pan out over the next few months?
Meh, not that it really matters much anymore. My life is moving on, and with it, things are kind of calming down.
Well, as calm as they *can* be at any rate. Some things are still up in the air, and true to form, I'll post that as it comes up, but in the meantime, I'm treating the symptoms, if not the underlying problems.
Love to all, and know that for right now I'm doing more or less fine. I'll have a new word of the week up tomorrow.
C
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Awww, yeah, baby!
And I am the gainfully fucking employed! My training went off really well, and I will be working pretty much around the clock until the 21st, to see how much I can make. Yay!
I am happy. And I really liked my trainer, and she said I can email her if I need her or have questions, which was awesome. I'll be logged in frequently, and the service is hopping. It was great. My head is spinning, but I suspect that'll settle somewhat as I adjust to it. Yay, me!
I am happy. And I really liked my trainer, and she said I can email her if I need her or have questions, which was awesome. I'll be logged in frequently, and the service is hopping. It was great. My head is spinning, but I suspect that'll settle somewhat as I adjust to it. Yay, me!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
The Phillip saga
Hmm. I'm not quite sure how I want to say what it is that I want to say, so this may be a very peculiar post indeed.
Phillip's cut me out of his life, in the most cowardly and crass way possible. He sent me a two-line email, from a bogus email account. Not even a phone call. I know that a lot of people read this blog, and I'm writing this, knowing full well that a lot of local people who have or had respect for Phil will be reading this, and think that he'd never do something as pathetic as some of the things he's done recently.
I'm not the only person he cut off without a word. There's an entire list.
See, Phillip cheated on his "girlfriend". The one who lives 2000 miles away. As everyone who reads here knows, there was/is a pregnancy scare, and he fell back into bed with me. He cheated. It was wrong. It's happened before. I don't even particularly blame her for wanting him to stop seeing me.
On the other hand...I do blame him for walking away. He's sworn to me, and everyone else, for months, that I was much too valuable to him as a friend for him to cut me out of his life, no matter what. He's stated multiple times that he would *never* be dictated to by anyone, for any reason, about who he could and could not spend his time with. That he would under no circumstances take that kind of ultimatum.
And like a fool, I believed his lies. And lie he did. I didn't even get a courtesy phone call. His accounts are deleted, his phone goes unanswered. And I did absolutely nothing to deserve it.
And her ultimatum about me? It made sense. He can't be trusted with me. Because he will indeed fall right back into my arms. Fine. But the others? I talked with her. And she seemed like a nice girl. And then I kept thinking. It keeps going around and around in my head. She had a whole list of others he had to cut out as well.
He had to cut out Mona. And with Mona goes Cora. Cora is a child, who was very attached to Phillip. And Colleen doesn't care that Cora's being punished. And obviously, Phillip cares not at all either.
He cut out Melissa. And with her went David, Emily and Lauren. Children. Children who were again, very fond of Phillip. Colleen once again cared not at all that the children involved would be hurt by his absence. And Phil obviously cared not at all either. As long as he could keep talking to his girlfriend on the phone a few hours a day.
He isn't allowed to see or speak to Trinette, and with her went Sammie, who can't even understand his absence, as we have absolutely no way to explain it to her. Colleen doesn't care about that. She's on the list of unacceptable.
The others on the list? Annwynn/'Chelle. Mike McGee. Danny. Essentially? Absolutely anyone who is a friend of mine. If it's someone who knows and likes or trusts me? He isn't allowed to associate with them, because that would put him at risk for coming into contact with me, and she doesn't trust him in any way to come into even third-person contact with me.
What kind of person does that? Deems all of the people in and around someone's life, people who have cared and helped and proven loyalty to someone as "unacceptable"? Who gets to make that kind of judgment call from 2000 miles away? And who the fuck concedes to that sort of ultimatum? You drop everyone who has befriended you, and helped you, and loved and cared for you, so that you can maintain some kind of quasi-relationship with someone who is 2000 miles away, with no actual estimate of a real relationship arriving at anytime in the actual practical future?
I understand that they care about each other. But last time I checked, if you really, really care about someone? You don't ask them to sit and be alone, waiting for you. You don't ask to give them the crumbs you have available for them.
And as for him? He lied, to me, and to everyone else closest to him here. He lied to her. He is so comfortable with lying and sneaking around, that it's only a matter of time, with all the restrictions that have been placed on him before he simply starts lying again. It's foolish to think that he won't.
I'm not sure what to think about any of it. If she's really as nice as she seems, then why would she keep trying to keep him on a leash from Indiana? She has to know that it isn't going to work. Not with them long-distance. It's not realistic. And there are too many things she can't afford to lose right now to come out here. She might never be able to set them aside and come out here. That's reality. I have enough crappy health problems to know that. California is *not* a friendly state when it comes to trying to land a job with full-time benefits. It's just a fact of life. And giving them up where you are would just be stupid if you've got health problems. It's the story of my life when it comes to working.
And as for Phil? Phil does what Phil wants, and if he can't make it all fit together? He lies and sneaks, and only admits to what he's done when he's crushed into a corner. I won't say I hate him. I will say that I'm thoroughly disgusted with him. I'll also say that I'll never trust him again. I won't ever be able to believe anything he says again. The blinders on *my* eyes are off completely. And that hurts, unbelievably.
But the fact that it hurts, makes it possible to get up in the morning, and look around, and not cry. To not look at my phone, and wish it would ring. Because I don't want to call him. I don't have much to say. Everything I had left to say is mean, or hurtful, or just plain nasty.
If I *do* end up pregnant? About all I have left to say to him is "please sign this that says you have no claim to this child", because I don't want him involved, and I don't want him trying to take my child from me. I wouldn't deny him coming and visiting the child as it grew up, but I don't want to have to hassle with child support, or him being involved in day to day decisions. We're all better off if there's no sprog. Because something tells me that would be a bloody battle indeed. I don't trust him, and he would hate me.
Lovely.
Wow, that was quite the long ramble. So that's what's been going on in "The Phillip saga". He walked away, without a backward glance, and was too much of a coward to even pick up the phone...and he did it because Colleen told him to. And I can't quite figure out how a "nice girl" got to the conclusion that having him abandon all of his friends, and a bunch of children he was fond of who were attached to him was a nice thing to do, without any explanations, or any consideration. Or how at the end of the day, the two of them are going to make that relationship work, with her issuing orders from 2000 miles away, and him saying "yes ma'am". I hadn't realized that Phillip was as spineless and pathetic as that, or as willing to ditch the people who were good to him.
If you can't trust him, in any way, to come into any contact with anyone who is a friend of mine? There's not really a way for you to monitor what he's doing from Indiana. How are you going to keep tabs on that? Pat and Tawnya going to report back to her? Going to have her friends follow him around and send reports that he isn't leaving the house? He going to send copies of his cell phone records, proving he isn't still talking to me, or anyone else on the "do not talk" list? There isn't really a way to prove he isn't doing what he said he'd do. And honestly, because he lies so easily...unless she's here...how the hell would she even know in the first place?
If one of my friends hadn't told her...he'd still be here. Hanging out here. Cheating again, eventually. Lying daily. And he had no intention of telling her...ever.
Goodnight.
Phillip's cut me out of his life, in the most cowardly and crass way possible. He sent me a two-line email, from a bogus email account. Not even a phone call. I know that a lot of people read this blog, and I'm writing this, knowing full well that a lot of local people who have or had respect for Phil will be reading this, and think that he'd never do something as pathetic as some of the things he's done recently.
I'm not the only person he cut off without a word. There's an entire list.
See, Phillip cheated on his "girlfriend". The one who lives 2000 miles away. As everyone who reads here knows, there was/is a pregnancy scare, and he fell back into bed with me. He cheated. It was wrong. It's happened before. I don't even particularly blame her for wanting him to stop seeing me.
On the other hand...I do blame him for walking away. He's sworn to me, and everyone else, for months, that I was much too valuable to him as a friend for him to cut me out of his life, no matter what. He's stated multiple times that he would *never* be dictated to by anyone, for any reason, about who he could and could not spend his time with. That he would under no circumstances take that kind of ultimatum.
And like a fool, I believed his lies. And lie he did. I didn't even get a courtesy phone call. His accounts are deleted, his phone goes unanswered. And I did absolutely nothing to deserve it.
And her ultimatum about me? It made sense. He can't be trusted with me. Because he will indeed fall right back into my arms. Fine. But the others? I talked with her. And she seemed like a nice girl. And then I kept thinking. It keeps going around and around in my head. She had a whole list of others he had to cut out as well.
He had to cut out Mona. And with Mona goes Cora. Cora is a child, who was very attached to Phillip. And Colleen doesn't care that Cora's being punished. And obviously, Phillip cares not at all either.
He cut out Melissa. And with her went David, Emily and Lauren. Children. Children who were again, very fond of Phillip. Colleen once again cared not at all that the children involved would be hurt by his absence. And Phil obviously cared not at all either. As long as he could keep talking to his girlfriend on the phone a few hours a day.
He isn't allowed to see or speak to Trinette, and with her went Sammie, who can't even understand his absence, as we have absolutely no way to explain it to her. Colleen doesn't care about that. She's on the list of unacceptable.
The others on the list? Annwynn/'Chelle. Mike McGee. Danny. Essentially? Absolutely anyone who is a friend of mine. If it's someone who knows and likes or trusts me? He isn't allowed to associate with them, because that would put him at risk for coming into contact with me, and she doesn't trust him in any way to come into even third-person contact with me.
What kind of person does that? Deems all of the people in and around someone's life, people who have cared and helped and proven loyalty to someone as "unacceptable"? Who gets to make that kind of judgment call from 2000 miles away? And who the fuck concedes to that sort of ultimatum? You drop everyone who has befriended you, and helped you, and loved and cared for you, so that you can maintain some kind of quasi-relationship with someone who is 2000 miles away, with no actual estimate of a real relationship arriving at anytime in the actual practical future?
I understand that they care about each other. But last time I checked, if you really, really care about someone? You don't ask them to sit and be alone, waiting for you. You don't ask to give them the crumbs you have available for them.
And as for him? He lied, to me, and to everyone else closest to him here. He lied to her. He is so comfortable with lying and sneaking around, that it's only a matter of time, with all the restrictions that have been placed on him before he simply starts lying again. It's foolish to think that he won't.
I'm not sure what to think about any of it. If she's really as nice as she seems, then why would she keep trying to keep him on a leash from Indiana? She has to know that it isn't going to work. Not with them long-distance. It's not realistic. And there are too many things she can't afford to lose right now to come out here. She might never be able to set them aside and come out here. That's reality. I have enough crappy health problems to know that. California is *not* a friendly state when it comes to trying to land a job with full-time benefits. It's just a fact of life. And giving them up where you are would just be stupid if you've got health problems. It's the story of my life when it comes to working.
And as for Phil? Phil does what Phil wants, and if he can't make it all fit together? He lies and sneaks, and only admits to what he's done when he's crushed into a corner. I won't say I hate him. I will say that I'm thoroughly disgusted with him. I'll also say that I'll never trust him again. I won't ever be able to believe anything he says again. The blinders on *my* eyes are off completely. And that hurts, unbelievably.
But the fact that it hurts, makes it possible to get up in the morning, and look around, and not cry. To not look at my phone, and wish it would ring. Because I don't want to call him. I don't have much to say. Everything I had left to say is mean, or hurtful, or just plain nasty.
If I *do* end up pregnant? About all I have left to say to him is "please sign this that says you have no claim to this child", because I don't want him involved, and I don't want him trying to take my child from me. I wouldn't deny him coming and visiting the child as it grew up, but I don't want to have to hassle with child support, or him being involved in day to day decisions. We're all better off if there's no sprog. Because something tells me that would be a bloody battle indeed. I don't trust him, and he would hate me.
Lovely.
Wow, that was quite the long ramble. So that's what's been going on in "The Phillip saga". He walked away, without a backward glance, and was too much of a coward to even pick up the phone...and he did it because Colleen told him to. And I can't quite figure out how a "nice girl" got to the conclusion that having him abandon all of his friends, and a bunch of children he was fond of who were attached to him was a nice thing to do, without any explanations, or any consideration. Or how at the end of the day, the two of them are going to make that relationship work, with her issuing orders from 2000 miles away, and him saying "yes ma'am". I hadn't realized that Phillip was as spineless and pathetic as that, or as willing to ditch the people who were good to him.
If you can't trust him, in any way, to come into any contact with anyone who is a friend of mine? There's not really a way for you to monitor what he's doing from Indiana. How are you going to keep tabs on that? Pat and Tawnya going to report back to her? Going to have her friends follow him around and send reports that he isn't leaving the house? He going to send copies of his cell phone records, proving he isn't still talking to me, or anyone else on the "do not talk" list? There isn't really a way to prove he isn't doing what he said he'd do. And honestly, because he lies so easily...unless she's here...how the hell would she even know in the first place?
If one of my friends hadn't told her...he'd still be here. Hanging out here. Cheating again, eventually. Lying daily. And he had no intention of telling her...ever.
Goodnight.
pregnant vs crazy
Yeah, that's right. Pregnant versus crazy. And honestly? I've come the conclusion that I hate doctors. I went in for an ultrasound today. And it was obviously very conclusive, as they told me to please be coming back in four weeks, so they can run another one. And to please come in tomorrow morning, at eight o'clock, after fasting all night tonight, to do a full panel blood workup. But they refuse to tell me exactly why I should do either of those things. Oh, and while I'm at it, I should probably stay off of my medications. Just in case.
I *hate* doctors. They won't tell me exactly what's going on, because that would leave them open for perjury if they're wrong. But they tell me what not to do. And I hate that.
I'm not pregnant, exactly. But I'm also not *not* pregnant. They just aren't certain. Which means they saw...something. Just enough of a "something" to have me come back in a few more weeks, when it'll be a little easier to identify. Fuckers.
I have tons of symptoms. I'm miserable. But because of my weight, it's awfully hard to get a clear reading. That, and the tech wasn't really trying to get a clear reading, because obviously I can't *really* be pregnant, because their never-wrong tests have already deemed me *NOT* pregnant! So why bother actually doing a good thorough job? Easier to just wait another month, when it'll be much easier to see, and have me come back.
I hate life right now.
My solution? Just keep going the way I'm going, and focus on my job instead. I want to see if I can pump out (get it? pump? hahaha. inside joke. sorry.) 14,000 messages in 10 days, to see if it's possible. I'm kind of excited about the live training on Thursday. Eager to get started. Eager to simply begin, so that I have something to focus on. Focus is good.
I *hate* doctors. They won't tell me exactly what's going on, because that would leave them open for perjury if they're wrong. But they tell me what not to do. And I hate that.
I'm not pregnant, exactly. But I'm also not *not* pregnant. They just aren't certain. Which means they saw...something. Just enough of a "something" to have me come back in a few more weeks, when it'll be a little easier to identify. Fuckers.
I have tons of symptoms. I'm miserable. But because of my weight, it's awfully hard to get a clear reading. That, and the tech wasn't really trying to get a clear reading, because obviously I can't *really* be pregnant, because their never-wrong tests have already deemed me *NOT* pregnant! So why bother actually doing a good thorough job? Easier to just wait another month, when it'll be much easier to see, and have me come back.
I hate life right now.
My solution? Just keep going the way I'm going, and focus on my job instead. I want to see if I can pump out (get it? pump? hahaha. inside joke. sorry.) 14,000 messages in 10 days, to see if it's possible. I'm kind of excited about the live training on Thursday. Eager to get started. Eager to simply begin, so that I have something to focus on. Focus is good.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Secret word of the week
The secret word of the week, I guess it'll be...Hmm...
I don't know.
"employment"
As in, I'm just about there. I train this week, and then I'll be full-time.
Yay?
That's it for today. I'll be busy on Tuesday afternoon, doing some stuff at the doctor, busy on Thursday afternoon for training, and then working pretty much around the clock for a while.
Have fun internets. Don't flip out if nobody can reach me for a while. I'll continue to blog on my off time.
I don't know.
"employment"
As in, I'm just about there. I train this week, and then I'll be full-time.
Yay?
That's it for today. I'll be busy on Tuesday afternoon, doing some stuff at the doctor, busy on Thursday afternoon for training, and then working pretty much around the clock for a while.
Have fun internets. Don't flip out if nobody can reach me for a while. I'll continue to blog on my off time.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
New jobs, and changes
So it looks like the gainfully employed bit is about to commence. The training packet, the first section of it, arrived today, in my email. I've read through a lot of the starter stuff, and it seems fairly straightfoward. I'll fill out the initial questionnaire and send it back for their review, and proceed on from there. They have to make sure I can keep up the typing speed, and that the messages are the right length. But it looks as though all of that is going to be a go.
And it'll give me a nice distraction. I hope it all goes as well as planned. I did a few other things today too, talked to Danny and told him the straightforward truth about how I'm feeling.
I'm tired. I'm tired of pretty much everything. I don't have any fight left. That's the point I'm at. There is simply no fight left in me, for anything.
All I want to do now is work, wait for Steven to come back from Iraq, so that Trinette can move on, and start her life with him and be happy, because Gods know she deserves to finally get to do that. Not that I'm not thrilled with her being here, but I want for her to finally get to be happy. But I want her to get to start the life she's waited so long for.
I want to work. I want to bury myself in it, for the most part, because it's a good distraction. Trinette says she'll teach me to crochet and make blankets and some other stuff. But that's what I want. I don't have enough fight to want to do anything other than lose myself in a job, and distracting myself with random things. I've finally been beaten and broken and I don't care anymore. I don't want to get even. I don't want to go and be vindicated.
I just want to be left alone. I'm not sure if the people who love me will understand that enough to not be offended by it. But that's all I really want. I hurt so much that all I really want is to be left alone, until I've saved some money, and can feel something again. Because right now? Sigh.
And it'll give me a nice distraction. I hope it all goes as well as planned. I did a few other things today too, talked to Danny and told him the straightforward truth about how I'm feeling.
I'm tired. I'm tired of pretty much everything. I don't have any fight left. That's the point I'm at. There is simply no fight left in me, for anything.
All I want to do now is work, wait for Steven to come back from Iraq, so that Trinette can move on, and start her life with him and be happy, because Gods know she deserves to finally get to do that. Not that I'm not thrilled with her being here, but I want for her to finally get to be happy. But I want her to get to start the life she's waited so long for.
I want to work. I want to bury myself in it, for the most part, because it's a good distraction. Trinette says she'll teach me to crochet and make blankets and some other stuff. But that's what I want. I don't have enough fight to want to do anything other than lose myself in a job, and distracting myself with random things. I've finally been beaten and broken and I don't care anymore. I don't want to get even. I don't want to go and be vindicated.
I just want to be left alone. I'm not sure if the people who love me will understand that enough to not be offended by it. But that's all I really want. I hurt so much that all I really want is to be left alone, until I've saved some money, and can feel something again. Because right now? Sigh.
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