Circles

Maybe I'm simply destined to have this ache forever. Perhaps I should just learn to live with it, and move from there. I want to hold you. I want to make everything all right for you, and make the pain stop. Because I know that I can. Because I know that you can be happy.

I want to understand you. I want to be a part of you, the way that you're a part of me. And I don't believe that she's going to make you happy. But I'll step back, and step away, and wait. I'll even attempt to keep my comments to myself, because it isn't fair to you to keep running my mouth. This isn't high school, and we're all adults. And you've made your choice.

And I'll be all right. As long as you can maintain without the weirdness, I can keep the facade in place. And that's what I need from you, right now. I need to maintain. Without that, I'll bolt, because I don't know what else to do. And I don't want to do that. I have to trust what you're telling me, because I can't do anything else. But I am extremely skittish about trusting anyone at their word.

You haven't lied to me. I respect that. Even while it's hurting me, you haven't lied. Please honor that request I made, and I should be okay.

I hope.

Nevada

So I'm thinking about it. Nevada. There really isn't anything holding me in Fresno anymore. For a long time, Danny held me here, because his job is here. So I'm thinking about Nevada now, because the reasons I had before are no longer valid. I won't be going in a hurry, because such things take time, and it's somewhat complicated, the uprooting of a life and moving out of state, and I've been here a long time now. But I suspect that it will happen. My daughter is there, and my parents. Family. And the things that are still here, the things I love that are still here in Fresno...well, I can't stay here for them. I just can't.

The truth is that I hate this stupid town. I've hated it a long time. I've wanted to leave for so long that it's just become a constant ache that I ignore now. And there honestly isn't a good reason anymore to stay.

It's time, now, to start the process of putting things into motion. A slow process, to be sure. But a process nonetheless. I wish I could take the people I love with me, but that won't be possible.

Horoscopes for the day?

These are horoscopes from December 2, 2007:

In one of your newer relationships, things are well on their way toward gaining real momentum. This is a partnership built on mutual respect and a shared sense of what is the right thing to do. It is rare to find a person who brings out the best in you no matter what mood you're in. This is a person you can rely on -- a person you should rely on. You are starting to align yourself with the people who deserve you.

Do not push any of your relationships -- especially the romantic ones -- past their natural dynamic right now. As much as you might be itching for a major change, you cannot force things to go in a certain direction ... if it is meant to happen, it is meant to happen at a certain time. And that time is not today. So right now, just let things take their course. If you do, you will learn an invaluable lesson about patience and giving up some control.

****

Ok, so mind you, I didn't even see these until the *end* of today. Which makes them all the more creepy. Primarily because I don't actually read horoscopes daily. I tend to read them when I'm bored, and they're for entertainment. Weird. And they're not both mine. I actually read a bunch of different ones, for various people I care about. Because I'm strange like that. So yes, anyhow. Really oddball horoscopes for the day.

I'm going to go and curl up under my blankets now, because I'm very creeped out to begin with, because some weird random crashing noise commenced earlier, and Mona and I are both freaked out by it. There are no boys around, and the loud crashing didn't help. It's just one of those days where I'm easily spooked. It sucks.

Secret word of the week

The word of the week is:

"desideratum"

and

"ersatz"

Goodbye to you

The bruises on my skin will fade fast. The bruises on my heart? Not as quickly. But fade they will. And the time approaches when things will change. Because things always change. Semantics aside, I didn't lie. I didn't even try to lie. And I suspect that you chose to forget what I said to you. I asked you for nothing. I still ask for nothing. Nothing more than what we have. I stood in the rain, and I told you the straight, unvarnished truth. I love you. Without boundaries. Without limits, and without complications. And it scared you so much that all you could tell me was that you can't be that man for me. I didn't ask you to be anything for me. I'm still not asking you to be anything.

My heart is whole again. Bruised, to be sure. But no longer broken. The gaping wounds of the past are gone now. The scars will fade now, and the pain of the injuries I've carried for so long can heal. I won't try to say that I don't feel anything. That would be a lie. I will say that what I feel and how I'll handle it are my concern, and that I will be fine. You need not fear for my injury. I'm stronger than that.

I knew what I was getting into. I have no regrets. And when it ends, I'll still have no regrets. Because I'm whole now. Because I have back what I lost, and I can move forward without regrets, and move on. With or without you, I have that now. You gave me that.

You've given me a lot of things. Then. Now. Always. A way to be someone who could love, even though I did it wrong the first time. Someone who could be gentle, and kind and loyal. Someone who was valued for more than what I believed. You gave me a reason to believe in myself, and to trust. I'll still have that.

And in the end...I still have you.

Updates from everything

Dana came into town, to visit, for like an hour last weekend, and because it's been a decade, Phillip came with me to see her. I had my mom take this picture, and so here it is. She's eleven, now. The baby she was, when I knew him, is not the girl she is now. So watching him look at her is kind of interesting for me. She's growing up fast. She'll be a teenager before I can blink, almost. She likes boys now, and she can wrap almost anyone around her little finger when she blinks those big blue eyes at them.

And she knows it. She's a menace to society, that one. Good thing she lives out in the middle of nowhere. Now if only I could figure out a way to construct some kind of force field around the property...(ponder for later contemplation).

Anyhow. Nothing very interesting is going on right now, but I still thought I'd toss up the update. I'll have a new word of the week up tomorrow, as always. I'll probably throw up a new blog later tonight. Right now, I'm going to go in search of my space heater, because I'm freezing cold, and no matter what I do, I seem to be getting more cold instead of less cold. It's kind of annoying.

my heart and thoughts are mine to keep
when i'm awake and while i sleep
nothing you do, nothing you say
will cause me to give those thoughts away
some things are better left unsaid
those things you seek are best left unread
i seek nothing more than what i claim
i ask of you nothing, i feel no shame
i know the risks, i know the rules
i know the game, i'm not a fool
don't try to change me
don't ask me to lie
let me have my fun
then let me say goodbye