Whacking and chainsaws

Are kind of ruining my peace and quiet. Thus, earplugs FTW. So I hope no one tries to call, as I had to put earplugs in, because I would otherwise not be able to hear myself think, and I like being able to hear myself think.

There's massive construction/repairs going on at my apartment complex, which is nice, because it means that the property owners care enough to make sure the place is maintained, but bad insofar as that it's very noisy, getting it accomplished. Chainsaws are very loud. So is hammering. And other such construction related noises.

And it's landscaping day, so they're running their power equipment as well, and so it's just very noisy out there. And so I'll hide in earplugs until they're finished, as I'm already brewing one hell of a headache, which I'm kind of hoping to head off.

My entire day got a little bit blown to hell as it is, which I'm not thrilled about, but there isn't much I can do about, and I'm going to end up spending the better part of tomorrow with yet another batch of doctors, clinicians, and techs doing various exams, which was the plan for today, except that *someone* didn't send the correct referral forms. AGAIN.

Mental note to myself to call in advance and make sure they have all the damn paperwork. So one of the ultrasounds got done. Some lab work got done. Some prescriptions were written. And all the rest of it will get done tomorrow. Fucking yay.

I need to take the Thunderbird in and get it checked over by a mechanic, as it seems that the engine mounts may need to be tightened down. No idea how much that's going to run me. And I'm due for brakes, and an oil change, among other things. Always something, right? But I can't afford to let my car fall into disrepair, so I'll take care of it as soon as I can.

And I'm not feeling so hot lately, as evidenced by Brody watching one of my spinny episodes earlier today, which I think is kind of rattling her cage. She got to see one of my lupus flares in living colour a few weeks ago, which is kind of disconcerting, if you aren't expected it. Watching my skin kind of start blistering in front of you is sort of unnerving when it happens in seconds flat. We threw a towel across my arms, got her home, and I headed directly home to stay out of the sun. But I think it shocked her. Hearing me say that my skin blisters, and watching a blister form that quickly just aren't quite the same, and I always forget how creepy it can be.

I think that my meds are going to be tinkered about with this new batch of bloodwork. OH OH OH! But on a fucking happy note, I ran all over hell and gone this morning, and when they did my blood pressure, right after all the jogging? That shit came in at 111/70. Dead on normal, which means that all the exercise I've been doing lately is actually making me more the healthy, because generally if I get over-exerted, when they pop the cuff on me, it runs at least a little high, until I've been sitting for a few minutes. That's apparently not the case anymore. I was rather pleased by that. So yay for me, and my bouncy-bouncy-bouncy.

I finally have a quasi-goal in mind for myself, for what I want to be when I grow...down? LOL. That sounded funny even to me. I have this kind of strange ghosty picture in my mind, of an outfit I vaguely remember as being one of my favourites when I was 16-17 years old. And that outfit is something I saw on someone else recently, who is my height, and my body frame, but much lighter than I am. She's not stick-thin, but she had what I'm shooting for. And it suddenly dawned on me that she was dressed in clothes I would have worn once upon a time. And then I realized what weight range I'll need to be in, to look like that. And I was content then, because now I can has a goal. It's a vague, misty goal, to be sure. But it's a goal, and that made me happy. So I'll putter along, in ten pound increments, and perhaps I'll someday achieve my goal, and then I'll go buy a bodysuit, and see if I look like the Crystal I remember.

That might be nice. Looking at me in the mirror, and seeing the Crystal I remember looking back at me...having that confidence back would be good. I don't want to be that angry, angsty girl. But I sure would like her body back :)

Okay, I'm going to have to go take something for this headache, and maybe make some tea.

I think my head may explode

I really do. Think my head may explode, that is. The colossal amount of work that's involved for school? Yeah, it's about to get worse. And while I'll manage it, I won't be doing much else beside burying myself in the books, because three of the classes actually are going to be work. One's a fluff class, which is cool and all, but the others are actual work, with the required textbook and honest-to-god *studying* to go with them.

So don't mind me if you get told "Sorry, I have to study" quite a bit.

I spent the better part of the last week buried under just one load of English coursework, and the other two classes hadn't even cracked a book on yet. Suffice it to say, the others all kicked off this weekend, and I'm going to be busy. There won't be a lot of time for bs'ing. I have too much riding on this, financially and otherwise, to screw it up.

But I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself. And pretty pleased with all the new things I've been up to lately. Things are even slowly but surely looking up on the dating scene, as it turns out. I met a guy in Bakersfield a couple of weeks ago, while I was down there visiting, and he asked me out, and I guess he's willing to make the drive to Fresno to come and take me out to dinner, so we'll see how that goes. Strange, but whatever. And there are a couple of nice local men around these days too, so I suppose I need to get over some of my issues, and go out occasionally. I said I would stop rejecting everyone out-of-hand, and I'm finally doing just that.

Can't be morose forever, right? Better to be optimistic about something, than just sit around being sad. Although honestly, this bullshit with having my radio playing "Over You" by Daughtry every single timeI happen to be driving is starting to get on my nerves. It's kind of creepy. Maybe it's a sign or something.

I suppose maybe the apocalypse really is coming. I'm dating again, Brody's mom was nice to me. My mom called to tell me she's proud of me and she loves me, just randomly. I really am thinking that it's about time for the other shoe to drop, and catastrophe to strike, and my nice, orderly little life to get somewhat plunked into disarray, simply because everything seems to be working out now.

I wouldn't surprised to find someone on my front porch wanting me to fix their lives for them, or one of my exes professing undying love at this point.

(comedy factor here being just as I typed that, a loud thump was heard from my front porch, because the boys next door are moving in, but it didn't in any way negate the humor factor of the timing

So anyhow, that's my weekend random update, because I took a break from studying and finishing an assignment, and now I'm going to go make something to eat really quickly, before I plunge into part of next week's study guides, and start in on Speech.

Ah, so it goes.

Something wicked this way comes

That sounds dire, doesn't it? I haven't blogged in weeks, and I know it. And that's primarily because I haven't been certain what precisely I wanted to write in here. I have a fairly stable readerbase, and because of that, and the fact that I know that people read this, I haven't known what to say.

Thanks to all of you who have been worried about me. I'm doing...I'm doing okay. I won't say that I'm dancing on the rooftops, because that would be a lie. But I'm holding my own.

For those of you who are not in the loop, because I haven't been screaming from the rooftops or calling anyone either, I've been both ill and having problems in my relationship lately.

I've had a series of Fibromyalgia and Lupus flares for the last few weeks which have completely knocked me on my ass because of the winter storms running through Fresblow, and I haven't been handling them well at all. Queue the tiny violins (grin wryly), and so I've been hiding from, well, pretty much everything off and on. I took a fair amount of painkillers, and buried myself in my apartment with the intention of sleeping through it as often as possible. As it turns out, I muchly do not like the feeling of being high that my painkillers cause now that my anti-seizure medications work the way they are intended to work.

But it's been a rough few weeks with the storms rolling through.

And it's also been a rough few weeks for me, because Phillip and I have been having problems. A lot of problems. I don't know yet, whether or not those problems are going to be solved, or how that's going to turn out. For right now, we're doing all right. I've been under a fair amount of stress, primarily because I was being stupid. And I'd been fighting with a lot of people because of it. I didn't and don't want to lose Phil. I've said that before. But I also am not willing to be a doormat, and get walked on. And my friends are frustrated with me, because they think that is what is going on, and as they see it, that's how I've been treated.

I know my friends are angry with me. They believe that I shouldn't allow anyone to treat me with anything other than roses and chocolates and accolades of how much I'm loved and adored and things of that nature. And while I appreciate to a certain extent their support, I really do, I also know that now it's time for them to back off some.

Phillip and I are going to attempt to make a go of whatever it is that we're doing together. It may or may not work. Such is life. And I'm okay with that. And I guess what I'm asking is that my friends try and respect that. I know that some of you don't like him. I know that you don't approve of my decision in this. But the simple fact is that while you don't understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, and why I'm willing to take him back and make this work, the choice is still mine. And I do love him.

I'm not asking you to like him. I'm not asking you to be his friend. I'm asking you to be civil, and to not judge me. And I'm asking you to understand that I'm an adult, and to know that I'm not wearing blinders, and to know that I won't make the same mistake twice. It won't happen again. And I won't stay to be trod upon. I'm not a doormat, you have no need to worry on that score.

And he's treating me well, and he cares for me. You need not fear for me. If he stops treating me well, this will end, whether I love him and want him or not. Worry not about that.

So that's my update, late though it might be. Don't throw rocks, there's been damage enough done already. Pain enough has been inflicted, and the only one who needs to be angry and hurt is me. I don't want any one else casting stones. I don't want any one else trying to defend me. I can defend myself now. I appreciate the idea, and the attempt, but I am alright. I'll ask, if I need to. I'll cry on shoulders if I need them, I promise. But for right, I'm doing alright.

Trust goes both ways, and damage has been done by both. I'm choosing to let that damage go, on both sides. Guilt can eat someone alive, if they let it. I should know, mine has eaten at me for a long time. I won't ask anyone to not feel bad for pain they have caused. I will ask that they not castigate themselves unduly for what's over.

This blog is long enough, now. That's my update for right now. I'll probably post again later, something a little lighter, a little more "fun".

Latez, people.

Addendum

Guess I wasn't stood up. He was just running on his own personal time clock. I keep forgetting that since I tend to be on time, other people aren't. Meh. I guess I needed today. I needed the few hour stretch for us to clear the air and talk. And we did that, and now things will be whatever they're going to be. I'm watching 'Full Metal Jacket'. It's a good movie I guess. I owe Phillip one, which I'll get him for later. He agreed to watch a film of my choice to make up for me watching FMJ. I'll pick one at a later date.

I haven't decided what to make of things. I haven't decided what I'm going to make of a lot of things right now. Might have something to do with my new meds, though. I rather like my new meds. I'm rambling.

That was my addendum.

Goodnight internets.