I joined the ranks.

Of project playlist. And I joined it, because I wanted to post more lyrics, to a song called "Shattered", but I got tired of posting lyrics. So I instead put on a playlist.

And now I'm going to bed. Because I'm sick, and I don't feel good, and nothing feels right. And I'm taking many drugs, and collapsing.

Bye.

the funniest things

In the middle of the night, the things that seem to garner the most amusement for me? Are the lies. Not that I can generally tell for certain whether or not I've been lied to on any given subject lately. Which is, in large part, why I cut so many things down to the bone. It narrowed the field, and made things a lot easier on the "who did what to whom" scenarios.

But as things stand right now:

I'm fairly sure, by process of elimination and the extreme lengths to which people went to try and assure me of what wasn't going on, that I was right in my original summation of various events. They seem to actually have amped up and culminated quite a lot faster than I'd've thought. Oh, the comedic irony. It's the downside of "he doth protest too much".

I am no longer speaking to probably 90% of the people I knew. I now have "acquaintances". I probably always did, and because I kept trying to maintain friendships, instead of accepting the reality of life, and wanting to have people treat me with the courtesy I showed them, I ended up with not really wanting to keep anyone in my life. I'm sure I will allow a few people loosely back in, though not as close friends. My trust and comfort level will never return, and I choose to maintain that. For my sanity and for my personal emotional health. I won't again let myself be placed where I was at the beginning of October.

I've come to the conclusion that October 3rd is just a shitty day for me now.

I gave it two weeks, to see if anyone would come wandering out of the woodwork. To see if anyone would notice my absence from their lives, show concern for my well-being, without needing to be given a set of directions on how to be a friend. Two weeks, to see if anyone cared enough to be here.

The sad truth is that, no, no one cared. Nobody noticed, and nothing will remain now as it once was. I had vaguely hoped I mattered still, and that hurt will remain for a while. But the wound is slowly scabbing over, and the day-to-day chore of living my life is blunting the blow of loss.

Moving on:

Sissa's peeved with me, cuz I had to ask for my sewing machine back. I didn't have a choice! I keep shrinking out of my clothes, and my only practical solution is get back my machine and the fabric that's in Bakersfield, so I can start making smaller clothes. I certainly can't keep buying smaller ones, not with the ton of fabric and a sewing machine that I am skilled enough to use sitting down there. And it sucks, but at this juncture, I'm kind of out of other practical options. Patterns are cheaper than manufactured clothes. And I don't mean to make anyone mad, or upset. I just can't keep spending money on clothes, and it sucks all the way around.

Jeremiah called, and he's exhausted, and stressed out over money. He's been working for 10+ hours today, and it's been like that for the whole damned week. Moving 70 lbs boxes sucks, and while it's a paycheck, and all that happy horseshit, and yes, bills to be paid, I get it. It still sucks. Getting no sleep, and working crap hours, and still barely paying the bills blows. Been there, done that. Well, minus the lugging heavy ass boxes part. I couldn't do that if I had to. I should be grateful. I am grateful, actually. But it still sucks when he calls and he's that exhausted, and all I can do is say be careful, and hope he'll get some sleep before he starts all over again tomorrow.

Jezebel

I miss you Cass.

The hits just keep coming...

First was Trinette's grandfather. Then it was my aunt, Amy. Last night was Stewie's grandfather. That's three. It goes in threes, correct? Mercury moved out of retrograde on the 15th, and things are supposed to settle back down now, and all I can do is hope that will actually be correct, and for the sake of the people I care about, things are going to go right-side-up again now.

My grandfather and my (only now) aunt, came down today, to clear out his apartment, and discovered that it had actually been completely ransacked, someone had gone through all of Amy's things, looking for Gods only know what. Nothing of Grandpa's stuff was missing, but it still seems eerie, like grave-robbing almost. I know more or less what they were looking for, but it still kind of creeps me out. I'm glad now that I wasn't willing to leave him there. I cringe to think of what might have happened to my elderly grandfather there alone, with who-only-knows what types of people wanting entrance to go through Amy's effects, and I know he wouldn't have allowed it.

I'm more or less caught up on my schoolwork. I have one more assignment that's due Saturday, and I'll do it tomorrow night. Tomorrow is grocery shopping with Brody day, so I'll be doing that for at least a little while. I need to do a couple of other errands, and I have a colossal fuck-ton of laundry I have to run.

I think I'm going to try my hand at making pork fried rice in my new wok, now that I finally have one again. Grandma Kitty gave it to me, since she doesn't have a use for it, and she knew I was thinking about getting one for Christmas. Or Hanukkah. Or Yule. Or whatever. End result being that I now have one, and I'm thinking about attempting to make pork fried rice, since I have some leftover pork that would I can make into it, and I'm rambling again.

I have a rather long list of household chores I want to do tomorrow as well, once I'm done with the errands, and that should soothe me somewhat, whilst I chat with Jeremiah if he'll put up with my housekeeping, instead of WoW'ing with him. I don't think he'll mind overmuch. He doesn't seem to mind me wandering about doing other things while we chat. It's a good thing that cell minutes are free, or talking to him would be costing me a fortune. It's almost ridiculous how much time I'm spending on the phone.

My hair has gotten long again now. I can almost see me again, when I look at me now. Someday, I might actually open the doors, and let someone in again. Someday.

My Deepest Sympathies

For my well-loved Stewie, and my sympathies to him, and his family. His beloved grandfather passed last night, and my love and comfort go out to him, and anything I can do for him, I will. Please think about him, and send healing thoughts to him. I hope that he will heal quickly and cleanly, and be alright.

I love you Stewie.

I fucking hate this month.

Blogging about life

I haven't been blogging, I needed to think about some things, and I've now done that. I have a new theme song, for my life. I heard it on the radio, as I drove back to Grandma Kitty's house, for her 80th birthday party. It's by a woman named Leona Lewis, and it's called "Better in Time". Lyrics thusly:

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be okay

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice
Boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be okay

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

So that caught my attention while I was driving, enough for me to go and figure out who sings it, and pull it down for iTunes. I was surprised to realize, on that day, that yes I actually do finally believe that I deserve to smile again. Even as everything for the last couple of weeks has been complete and utter chaos around me, while it certainly feels like mine, and many others' lives, have gone completely to shit, I still think I deserve to smile.

Everything will get better. Ripping off a band-aid from a fresh-healed wound hurts too, but it still gets better once you've torn it off. And I was surprised. So I decided that was my new anthem.

I cut a lot of people out of my life at the beginning of October, when I had to deal with Amy's death, and no one was here for me. Cut a lot of people off completely, and I'm sure a lot of people are either hurt, or angry, or both. So am I. Angry at myself, for letting things go on as long as I did, and for allowing myself to keep repeating the same cycles, which ended with me being damaged, and alone.

If I'm going to be alone, it will be by choice now, and not because I was abandoned. And I'm okay with that. The small circle of people I've chosen to keep close to me, I know I can count on, and that's how I choose to keep it. Interestingly, I have a male interest as well, long-distance interest. The irony of the situation being that I can now hold myself up for a certain amount of ridicule due to my long-held opinion of long-distance relationships and their lack of stability, etc. I spend most of my time on the phone talking, since I can't be there. It's kind of amusing, even to myself.

And, for the sake of equal funnies, he's Jewish. And there's another Jewish boy up there too, with Jeremiah. His name is Josh, and he's "a short, fat, Jewish guy, with a stomach that's a fuel tank for a sex machine." Josh wishes the world to know that he's available in Washington. Requirements? Must bring Challah. Josh is pretty funny, although it's Jeremiah that I spend most of my time talking to. Well, usually. Unless I'm on speakerphone, then I talk to both of them.

Where was I going with this? They distracted me. Oh yes. Josh wants someone to bring him Challah. And Jeremiah is talking about wanting someone to beat him. They're both Jewish, would most likely make my dad happy, and perhaps I should start checking out Jewish boys? Who knows.

I have a shitload of homework I should technically be doing, and not blogging on the internets, but this seemed like more fun right now.

But on a more serious note. My grandfather is up north now, with my aunt, and he'll be settled there. My life is kind of settling back down into a routine, now that he's gone, although I have to admit it was nice, to spend some time with him. My biggest problem is honestly that I've grown too solitary in my ways, over the last six months, and I simply can't adjust anymore to sharing my space. There was too much for me to handle. I can't hack it anymore. I want to be able to do everything, and I can't.

It makes me feel like a failure, that I can't be what I need to be, to take care of him, but I know that I can't. And I hate that. But rather than simply run myself into the ground, and fail everyone, I did the best I could, and let it go. That's all I could do.

Mid-terms week was a nightmare. I managed to hold most of it together, and the last of it is still going on this week. I have one more set of Mastery tests to do tomorrow during the day, and two summaries to post, and some vocabulary tests to take, and I'll be clear. Well, at least on mid-terms. I still need to catch up the rest of the classes. I constantly feel like I'm dropping behind on something, but there isn't much I can do about any of that. It's a constant race to somewhere, but I haven't yet figured out where, precisely.

I go in next week to sign up for the spring semester classes, and while I know for sure what three of the four are, I'm debating in my head on taking the health class. I think I might talk to my counselor and see if I can take one more English course, instead of health. Not sure, though. We'll see what she recommends. Either way, I *know* I want all four online only, because I do *not* want to be going on-campus at all next semester. First, I can't afford the gas. Second, I can't afford to keep replacing my clothes while I keep shrinking constantly. And finally, I just don't want to come into contact with anyone for six or so months, while I put myself back together again. Not for school, at any rate.

I've enjoyed the online courses more than the hybrid class for school. I'll be grateful once that class is over. It isn't the class itself, although that is difficult enough. It's the stress involved with the face-to-face aspect of it. I need the break from the fear factor of human contact that I'm having panic attacks from. I'll breach that some other time, but not right now.

I think I've covered everything I want to say for right now, and I definitely need to get some sleep, before I haul it out of bed in three hours, and start all over again. School, homework, life. The never-ending repetitive aspect that I'm kind of glad to have back again.

Goodnight internets.

Secret word of the week

My word of the week this week is:

"solitary"

As defined by www.dictionary.com

And a slight update for my life, because I choose to not make a different post. My grandfather is still with me, for another week or so, and then he'll be moving up north, to live with another of his children, not to Nevada, as I had originally thought. He seems to be doing alright, although it's kind of hard to tell from day to day. I'm still holding things together, because that's what I do. I'm not sure how well I'll hold it together once he's gone.

I'm more or less buried under schoolwork, and this is mid-term week as well, which is going to be...complicated, with my grandfather here, but I'll manage. I hope? There isn't a lot I can do. I am under a colossal amount of stress, and once things are settled with my Aunt Amy's body, and my grandfather is settled up north, I suspect that I will pull further back into my shell than I had before.

I would ordinarily apologize now, for the feelings I might be about to bruise by my pulling away from people, but I'm not going to anymore. Everyone said all the right things about being there if I need them, and how I can always call, during my time of need or whatever this last week. But when it came right down to it, I know now exactly who I can count on, when I really *need* someone. The people who actually physically showed up, and were willing to drop everything when there was truly an emergency in *my* life, the same way I always have for everyone else.

And I have to admit, that I'm feeling really raw, and really hurt. There is one person who didn't make it to my side, and the only thing that prevented her/them from being here? Was sheer distance, or she'd've been standing here right now, and I know it. So for my EastCoast sweetheart, know that. I know very well that if you could have, you'd be sitting here eating chocolate with me, and this doesn't apply to you. On the other hand, she's called, every day, and done nothing but asked how I am, and listened to me rant, and said nothing about all the problems I know damned well she's been dealing with. And I appreciate that more than I can even begin to express. I love you.

So yes. I'm hurt. I feel betrayed, and I'm just...tired. I'm tired of all of it. I have bent over backwards, for everyone, and I rarely actually ask anything for myself, of anyone. I listen to everybody's problems, and don't really ask for anybody to try and help me out with mine. But this week? I *needed* help. If nothing else, I needed support, and comfort.

And I freely admit, that I said, at the complete base of the pit of hell, that all I really wanted was Phillip, this week. And three people who honestly would rather have eaten nails, than heard me say those words? Those three people, I know now, actually did what they could, to try and find him for me. Because I hurt, and I didn't and don't want to be alone. And that would have made me feel better. And knowing that they were all three willing to suck it up, and try to make it better for me, meant worlds to me. I know they don't approve. I know what it cost them, to try and do that for me, whether he showed up or not.

I feel...empty. I feel solitary, and lost. Trying to keep my grandfather going, and trying to figure out why I feel alone and empty is hard. And I've been tempted, more tempted than I like admitting, to do something utterly stupid, and I've fought that off. I had and have too many people counting on me. My little brother would be crushed to see me crumble. My grandfather needs me too much. I don't have the option of falling apart.

But now? Now that I'm still holding it together? I've decided that I'm not sure anymore, whether I want to keep trying to make time for, and help out, everyone else...When apparently, no one cares enough to do that for me, not when it really matters. I realize that it's not supposed to be something kept score of. And I don't generally keep a running tally of such things. But at this point, I have completely depleted emotional reserves. And when something damages you this badly, it becomes difficult to care about anyone anymore, when they show such little concern, really. And fluffy words are so easy to say, when there's no real action behind them.

I need to think. And when my thinking is done, then my decisions will most likely be made.