Horoscope: June 30
June 30, 2008
Aries (March 21-April 19): You might be micromanaging work that really doesn't require that kind of attention. When you let go a little, a rush of energy sweeps you up into the bigger picture.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You recognize the physical results of your thoughts. You can even see how your body is an expression of your consciousness. This state of heightened awareness is becoming your normal mode of operation.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): The whole story has not been told because anyone involved in the story is capable of seeing things only from their own narrow view. Therefore, no one is to be believed, at least not 100%.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): To you, the good times are like a tide -- they roll in, they roll out. And don't forget, your guiding luminary, the moon, controls those tides, much like you control your life.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You're spending more money than you thought you would. The outflow of funds will be balanced by a stroke of luck this afternoon. Focus on the value of things instead of the cost.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your work is getting better and you're enjoying it more. When you do not approve of a situation, do the opposite of what you want to do, which is criticize. Go forward with praise for what is going right.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): The winds of change don't always upset things. And in your case, they might actually tidy up a bit for you. Watch as a daunting task or pernicious issue simply blows away.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): There's a reason it's called a "perfect" stranger. People you don't know are a blank slate. You can be anyone you want to be and there's a good chance they will believe.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): This is no ordinary world. There are mystical creatures that walk among the regular ones. You interact with them in your own creative way.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The only useful information is accurate information. Check your sources and find out what their sources are. You'll soon be able to use what you learned to turn a profit.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Taking offense or being critical only weighs you down. The right attitude is a light attitude. You can find the positive answer to even a negatively slanted question.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Get your stuff organized, and your thoughts become more manageable too. Tonight, you have an announcement and you deliver it with great style.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Secret word of the week
This week the word is:
"harbinger"
If you don't know what it means, look it up.
And I have my reasons for choosing it, and you can all use your lovely little imaginations to try and guess what's going on in *mine*.
Good luck with that.
"harbinger"
If you don't know what it means, look it up.
And I have my reasons for choosing it, and you can all use your lovely little imaginations to try and guess what's going on in *mine*.
Good luck with that.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Yes, Danny, this one *is* to you.
My life does not revolve around her. My thoughts do not revolve around her. What I say, think, do, and feel? Does not revolve around her. I personally simply do not care enough to bother all that often. She can't be bothered to admit that she's a basically selfish person who either enjoys hurting people, or simply lacks tact, and lives in a rose-coloured bubble where the men she surrounds herself with are willing to excuse her so often and with such vehemence that she can get away with walking around wounding others with absolutely no consequences, and I don't have the time or the patience for that kind of drama-filled bullshit in my life. Because I actually *do* have a real life, with real consequences, and there isn't anyone around to catch me when I'm falling, and pick me up and tell me everything is going to be alright.
I don't have an ongoing string of men who will happily run around and do my bidding and smooth a path for me, whether I deserve it or not, and make my life simple, or try to.
And this is where I point a finger, and make a comparison that nobody will like. She and Colleen? I can see why they got along so splendidly. It's very easy to get along when there are men willing to fall all over themselves telling you that you're the most wonderful thing on the planet, and how they love you, and no matter what you do, it's the right thing. Of course you're perfect princess! You couldn't possibly have done something *wrong*! Oh, noes! You've been a colossal jackass? Not you! You can talk your way out of anything, and those men are going to agree with you, because they luvvvvvv you? Yep, I can see how they get along fabulously.
Something about women like them, and the men who fall for them. I'm blunt, I'm honest, and nobody much likes hearing the things I have to say. I'm not sitting around with poor, pitiful me, and telling everyone how much I need them, and how if they're just the center of my world, and they complete me, then everything will be great. I've just never felt that way about anyone before, and they complete me, and everything is wonderful.
No, I don't walk around spouting the roses and sunshine bullshit. Yes, I love people. Yes, I want them in my life. But I'm not willing to sit around and stroke someone's ego and do, well, whatever it is that they do, that I don't, to get what I want. That isn't me.
Obviously, I come up short in the being a femme fatale department.
So yes, I put up rants on my blog. No, they aren't always to your perfect precious little princess. And if she doesn't want to get a big broomstick up her ass? She needs to learn a valuable lesson, and show the same courtesy Colleen showed when she took my blog off her reading list, and stop reading this. Otherwise, she needs to suck it up, and deal with what she sees here.
I'm not editing what I say, just to soothe somebody's fragile little ego. She can either learn to deal with reality, or she can avoid seeing my blog. As I recall, she was perfectly willing to shove "reality" in my eleven-year-old daughter's face, without batting an eyelash. And when I protested? I was told that I would have to suck it up, because reality was something we all have to deal with.
I don't have an ongoing string of men who will happily run around and do my bidding and smooth a path for me, whether I deserve it or not, and make my life simple, or try to.
And this is where I point a finger, and make a comparison that nobody will like. She and Colleen? I can see why they got along so splendidly. It's very easy to get along when there are men willing to fall all over themselves telling you that you're the most wonderful thing on the planet, and how they love you, and no matter what you do, it's the right thing. Of course you're perfect princess! You couldn't possibly have done something *wrong*! Oh, noes! You've been a colossal jackass? Not you! You can talk your way out of anything, and those men are going to agree with you, because they luvvvvvv you? Yep, I can see how they get along fabulously.
Something about women like them, and the men who fall for them. I'm blunt, I'm honest, and nobody much likes hearing the things I have to say. I'm not sitting around with poor, pitiful me, and telling everyone how much I need them, and how if they're just the center of my world, and they complete me, then everything will be great. I've just never felt that way about anyone before, and they complete me, and everything is wonderful.
No, I don't walk around spouting the roses and sunshine bullshit. Yes, I love people. Yes, I want them in my life. But I'm not willing to sit around and stroke someone's ego and do, well, whatever it is that they do, that I don't, to get what I want. That isn't me.
Obviously, I come up short in the being a femme fatale department.
So yes, I put up rants on my blog. No, they aren't always to your perfect precious little princess. And if she doesn't want to get a big broomstick up her ass? She needs to learn a valuable lesson, and show the same courtesy Colleen showed when she took my blog off her reading list, and stop reading this. Otherwise, she needs to suck it up, and deal with what she sees here.
I'm not editing what I say, just to soothe somebody's fragile little ego. She can either learn to deal with reality, or she can avoid seeing my blog. As I recall, she was perfectly willing to shove "reality" in my eleven-year-old daughter's face, without batting an eyelash. And when I protested? I was told that I would have to suck it up, because reality was something we all have to deal with.
Dear Diary, it's one forty seven a.m.,
I was lying here tonight, thinking about you, and how time is passing and while I still think about you, because I'd be lying if I said that I didn't, the thoughts aren't the same anymore, not exactly. The fresh raw wound that was there, it isn't necessarily bleeding anymore, and I'm not as angry as I was. Not so viciously ready to strike out. Like a tiny little hole, the way air lets out of a tire, that you almost don't notice it happening, I realized that a lot of the screeching anger has passed. The hurt? It's there still. But the raging anger is passing. Oh, how I wanted you to hurt the way I hurt. Wanted you to feel the vicious pain and betrayal I felt when I had to feel the emptiness and loss that you never seemed to feel.
But that anger is finally lessening. And in the end, I guess I actually do want for you what I've wanted for you for all the years I've known and loved you. For you to be happy. Sad, isn't it? That that's what I've always wanted for you? Oh, it hurts still, to know that I'm sad, and the two of you are happy, or so it seems. To know that I was set to the side and disregarded and replaced so easily. Yes, that hurts. It will always hurt. But I'll always want for you what I always did want. You to be happy, and healthy, and safe and loved. Because that's just who I am.
And I thought about it, all the things I miss about you. Laughing together while we watched stupid television shows. Watching random movies, and discussing oddball things we found on the internets. Just the random things that we could always talk about, the things that we had in common, because we were so very random. I miss cooking for you, and cleaning up after you, and just being with you. That's the crux of it, isn't it? That I just miss being with you. With my friend, with everything about you.
And no matter what, that's gone now. That will be forever changed, even if you were to come back tomorrow, and we were to try and repair the breach of your being gone, there would be ghosts now. It would take work to try and heal the hurts now.
And I'm not innocent in all of it. I've cast stones too, and I know it. I struck out to cause pain as well, because I was so angry, and felt so violated, and so injured. And some of the violations were valid, and some were not, but I was too angry to even see clearly enough to do anything except strike out.
And now I miss you. And all I really want is to have things the way there were, when I was happy. When I could sit with you, and watch stupid television shows, and eat a quiet meal, and have a quiet conversation. When there wasn't anger, and there wasn't pain, and there wasn't this overwhelming sense of loss.
I can't change the past. I can't modify what happened, and I can't unring a bell. I also can't make you do something you don't want to do, and I can't bring you back to me if you want to be someplace else. But my feelings and thoughts are my own, even when nobody approves of them. And what I think about at two o'clock in the morning that I write down, so that I can finally go to sleep, to give me a little bit of peace is for my own sanity as well.
Be well, be happy, remember that you were loved, you were wanted, you are missed. Even if everything falls apart, you're still loved and wanted and missed.
Love, Crys
But that anger is finally lessening. And in the end, I guess I actually do want for you what I've wanted for you for all the years I've known and loved you. For you to be happy. Sad, isn't it? That that's what I've always wanted for you? Oh, it hurts still, to know that I'm sad, and the two of you are happy, or so it seems. To know that I was set to the side and disregarded and replaced so easily. Yes, that hurts. It will always hurt. But I'll always want for you what I always did want. You to be happy, and healthy, and safe and loved. Because that's just who I am.
And I thought about it, all the things I miss about you. Laughing together while we watched stupid television shows. Watching random movies, and discussing oddball things we found on the internets. Just the random things that we could always talk about, the things that we had in common, because we were so very random. I miss cooking for you, and cleaning up after you, and just being with you. That's the crux of it, isn't it? That I just miss being with you. With my friend, with everything about you.
And no matter what, that's gone now. That will be forever changed, even if you were to come back tomorrow, and we were to try and repair the breach of your being gone, there would be ghosts now. It would take work to try and heal the hurts now.
And I'm not innocent in all of it. I've cast stones too, and I know it. I struck out to cause pain as well, because I was so angry, and felt so violated, and so injured. And some of the violations were valid, and some were not, but I was too angry to even see clearly enough to do anything except strike out.
And now I miss you. And all I really want is to have things the way there were, when I was happy. When I could sit with you, and watch stupid television shows, and eat a quiet meal, and have a quiet conversation. When there wasn't anger, and there wasn't pain, and there wasn't this overwhelming sense of loss.
I can't change the past. I can't modify what happened, and I can't unring a bell. I also can't make you do something you don't want to do, and I can't bring you back to me if you want to be someplace else. But my feelings and thoughts are my own, even when nobody approves of them. And what I think about at two o'clock in the morning that I write down, so that I can finally go to sleep, to give me a little bit of peace is for my own sanity as well.
Be well, be happy, remember that you were loved, you were wanted, you are missed. Even if everything falls apart, you're still loved and wanted and missed.
Love, Crys
Monday, June 23, 2008
On vices or addictions
And this is actually in response to another blog that I read, one that isn't listed on my 'favourite must reads list', because it isn't something that I don't quite know how to explain why I read daily.
But in any case, she had a post up a few days ago, asking about vices and addictions, and it caused me to start thinking. I wonder how many people do that? Replace an addiction with a different one. For me, I'm a food addict. And I know it. I more or less have it under control right now, which I'm very proud of. It took me a long time, and a lot of work to get to where I am. And because it *did* take me a long time and a substantial amount of effort, I don't easily cave to others when they want me to eat with them, or eat what they want just because they want it now. Even if it upsets the status quo.
And I was sitting and thinking about it. Yes, I managed to get my eating habits under control. But it occurs to me that I might have actually swapped my eating problems for something else, and allowed myself to be addicted to something else in the interim. And now what I'm suffering from might actually be withdrawal from that.
Because perhaps everyone does indeed need to work on the underlying problem with it is some type of addiction. And I might have replaced one with the other, without realizing that's what I did. And now I'm working through it, and coming out the other side stronger for it. It's just something to think about.
Like when an alcoholic stops drinking, but then starts smoking instead. Or a drug addict quits drugs, but takes up drinking. Things like that. For me? I gave up eating compulsively. But what was my trade off?
It's just an interesting thing to have thought about.
Kudos to the idea of vices and addictions.
But in any case, she had a post up a few days ago, asking about vices and addictions, and it caused me to start thinking. I wonder how many people do that? Replace an addiction with a different one. For me, I'm a food addict. And I know it. I more or less have it under control right now, which I'm very proud of. It took me a long time, and a lot of work to get to where I am. And because it *did* take me a long time and a substantial amount of effort, I don't easily cave to others when they want me to eat with them, or eat what they want just because they want it now. Even if it upsets the status quo.
And I was sitting and thinking about it. Yes, I managed to get my eating habits under control. But it occurs to me that I might have actually swapped my eating problems for something else, and allowed myself to be addicted to something else in the interim. And now what I'm suffering from might actually be withdrawal from that.
Because perhaps everyone does indeed need to work on the underlying problem with it is some type of addiction. And I might have replaced one with the other, without realizing that's what I did. And now I'm working through it, and coming out the other side stronger for it. It's just something to think about.
Like when an alcoholic stops drinking, but then starts smoking instead. Or a drug addict quits drugs, but takes up drinking. Things like that. For me? I gave up eating compulsively. But what was my trade off?
It's just an interesting thing to have thought about.
Kudos to the idea of vices and addictions.
speech and frustration
I cooked dinner tonight for my kid brother, because he wanted me to make him spaghetti for his sixteenth birthday. He's crazy about my spaghetti. Which is appropriate, as I make bomb spaghetti. Hot, spicy italian sausage spaghetti. And no, I'm not bragging at all, I really do make incredibly good spaghetti, it's one of the things I cook incredibly well, so it's something he asks for almost anytime he gets a chance, and he knew very well he was guaranteed to get it for his birthday. No big deal, right? Only I hadn't actually cooked it for about the last six months, as I haven't really been doing a lot of cooking for the last few months, and haven't cooked that particular dish at all in the last six or so. So I was a little nervous, because I didn't want to disappoint him. And my grandfather was coming over too, to eat with us. I was just kind of nervous in general.
I'm not a big fan of disappointing people I care about. So I was already edgy. I've been on edge for days. And we had a little mini-party, with a birthday cake, and sang the traditional song, blah blah blah. It went very well, actually. But the kids were horsing around, and while I would have normally been fine? It was just too much. And my stupid speech went out. Again. And I'm so damned tired of it. I'm sick of this speech aphasia.
I realize that I can't control it, and that it doesn't make me less of a person or whatever. But it's still frustrating as all hell. Because normal everyday activities are *hard*. I blew out my ankle a few days ago, twisted it while walking to the stupid swimming pool. And while it isn't that big of a deal, not really. My ankle and my foot are purple, and it's swollen like a grapefruit. And the swelling isn't going down. It's actually a good thing that I'd had to go to see my doctor that next day, so she got a good look at it, and she'll be checking it out again when I go in for a follow-up. If the swelling doesn't go down, I'm guessing they'll be taking some kind of x-rays. Yay? I think it's probably fine, but the whole swelling not going down is annoying. And because I'm me, I keep bonking it into things.
Kat loaned me her crutches, which is helping considerably, and I'm staying off it as best I can, it's all wrapped up, etc. But I'm fairly stressed out. On another note entirely: I got the notice back from Fresno City, I'm officially enrolled. I'm a student now! I have my own counselor and everything, she called today. I guess I'm good to go? It feels so weird. I didn't really think I'd be a college student at my age. Not that I'm ancient or anything, it just seems strange that I'd pursue a real career now, that I'd be striking out to be...something, now.
Things are slowly, but sure, stabilizing. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about all of the friendships issues I have going on. I guess there really is a point that you have to sit and weed through the people and things in life that are an emotional drain, and I'm at that point now. There are some things I simply refuse to let go. People who have been in my life, a major part of my life, who I will not willingly part with, and I am fairly confident that it goes both ways. But there are a lot of other people who I suspect that I can now look at, and realize that all they are and were was a drain on me, and my personal energy. And that I was better off just letting go. Not that it isn't going to be painful, and it isn't going to take time for me to heal. But I don't need to keep expecting something that isn't there. Friendship, actual honest friendship? Isn't all one-sided.
As I've actually proven more than once, I will drop everything I'm doing and come flying to the rescue, even when it hurts me, for a friend that I value. I will put my entire life on hold, and bury my own pain if I need to, to help them, comfort them, do anything that's necessary for them. Whether that's loaning money, bringing them something silly to cheer them up, watching a movie, or just sitting and listening to them talk. Offering a hug to comfort, or just being there. Because that's what I do when I love my friends. But I've learned that very rarely do my so-called friends do the same for me. A select few will and do, when I need them. But they're a very small select group. And I'm tired of trying to maintain a "friendship" when it's an emotional and financial drain on me. It's beginning to just not be worth it.
There are some people that I value, and value highly. And I love them, and would give anything to have them in my life, and keep them there. And there are some people that I will miss, but won't keep giving and giving, and getting nothing in return. I suppose if anyone actually wants to know where they fall on the scale? They can ask. I'm perfectly willing to tell anyone with the nerve to ask at this point.
I'm not looking to chase anyone away with a bat. But I'm not pursuing actively a friendship with anybody anymore. I guess they're called "fluff friendships". I have a lot of those, and they're starting to seem pointless to me now. I am so busy and so overwhelmed lately, that fluff friendships seem pointless and a waste of my time, since I don't really know how to have a friendship where I don't give emotionally to it.
This keeps dragging on, and I'm rambling at this point again. Me and my blogging. I'll write more later I'm sure, as I always do. I hope my readers haven't grown bored with me. I apologize for my tediousness.
I'm not a big fan of disappointing people I care about. So I was already edgy. I've been on edge for days. And we had a little mini-party, with a birthday cake, and sang the traditional song, blah blah blah. It went very well, actually. But the kids were horsing around, and while I would have normally been fine? It was just too much. And my stupid speech went out. Again. And I'm so damned tired of it. I'm sick of this speech aphasia.
I realize that I can't control it, and that it doesn't make me less of a person or whatever. But it's still frustrating as all hell. Because normal everyday activities are *hard*. I blew out my ankle a few days ago, twisted it while walking to the stupid swimming pool. And while it isn't that big of a deal, not really. My ankle and my foot are purple, and it's swollen like a grapefruit. And the swelling isn't going down. It's actually a good thing that I'd had to go to see my doctor that next day, so she got a good look at it, and she'll be checking it out again when I go in for a follow-up. If the swelling doesn't go down, I'm guessing they'll be taking some kind of x-rays. Yay? I think it's probably fine, but the whole swelling not going down is annoying. And because I'm me, I keep bonking it into things.
Kat loaned me her crutches, which is helping considerably, and I'm staying off it as best I can, it's all wrapped up, etc. But I'm fairly stressed out. On another note entirely: I got the notice back from Fresno City, I'm officially enrolled. I'm a student now! I have my own counselor and everything, she called today. I guess I'm good to go? It feels so weird. I didn't really think I'd be a college student at my age. Not that I'm ancient or anything, it just seems strange that I'd pursue a real career now, that I'd be striking out to be...something, now.
Things are slowly, but sure, stabilizing. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about all of the friendships issues I have going on. I guess there really is a point that you have to sit and weed through the people and things in life that are an emotional drain, and I'm at that point now. There are some things I simply refuse to let go. People who have been in my life, a major part of my life, who I will not willingly part with, and I am fairly confident that it goes both ways. But there are a lot of other people who I suspect that I can now look at, and realize that all they are and were was a drain on me, and my personal energy. And that I was better off just letting go. Not that it isn't going to be painful, and it isn't going to take time for me to heal. But I don't need to keep expecting something that isn't there. Friendship, actual honest friendship? Isn't all one-sided.
As I've actually proven more than once, I will drop everything I'm doing and come flying to the rescue, even when it hurts me, for a friend that I value. I will put my entire life on hold, and bury my own pain if I need to, to help them, comfort them, do anything that's necessary for them. Whether that's loaning money, bringing them something silly to cheer them up, watching a movie, or just sitting and listening to them talk. Offering a hug to comfort, or just being there. Because that's what I do when I love my friends. But I've learned that very rarely do my so-called friends do the same for me. A select few will and do, when I need them. But they're a very small select group. And I'm tired of trying to maintain a "friendship" when it's an emotional and financial drain on me. It's beginning to just not be worth it.
There are some people that I value, and value highly. And I love them, and would give anything to have them in my life, and keep them there. And there are some people that I will miss, but won't keep giving and giving, and getting nothing in return. I suppose if anyone actually wants to know where they fall on the scale? They can ask. I'm perfectly willing to tell anyone with the nerve to ask at this point.
I'm not looking to chase anyone away with a bat. But I'm not pursuing actively a friendship with anybody anymore. I guess they're called "fluff friendships". I have a lot of those, and they're starting to seem pointless to me now. I am so busy and so overwhelmed lately, that fluff friendships seem pointless and a waste of my time, since I don't really know how to have a friendship where I don't give emotionally to it.
This keeps dragging on, and I'm rambling at this point again. Me and my blogging. I'll write more later I'm sure, as I always do. I hope my readers haven't grown bored with me. I apologize for my tediousness.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
This amuses me.
Ephesians 4:26-27
"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
This is the bible quote of the day on someone's facebook. That same person called me a homewrecking whore, and told me that they have no interest in being my friend (which is fine, I have no interest in being their friend either), but as I know that she is a Christian, and supposedly a whole-heartedly embracing Christian, ergo a good girl, it amuses me that she was willing to call me such names, as she in no way knows me. All I wanted was to make sure that a good friend of hers was doing fine, as she had been having some health problems. Nothing more complicated. But I got insulted, and called names.
So it amused me today to see such a bible quote of the day, and amused me further to remember the insults thrown by a good churchgoing Christian girl. And I laugh, quietly and to myself to think of the hypocrisy that is practiced so openly by such women (and I suppose men as well), who are willing to cast stones at me.
Just my thought for the afternoon.
Karma will get everyone in the end.
"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
This is the bible quote of the day on someone's facebook. That same person called me a homewrecking whore, and told me that they have no interest in being my friend (which is fine, I have no interest in being their friend either), but as I know that she is a Christian, and supposedly a whole-heartedly embracing Christian, ergo a good girl, it amuses me that she was willing to call me such names, as she in no way knows me. All I wanted was to make sure that a good friend of hers was doing fine, as she had been having some health problems. Nothing more complicated. But I got insulted, and called names.
So it amused me today to see such a bible quote of the day, and amused me further to remember the insults thrown by a good churchgoing Christian girl. And I laugh, quietly and to myself to think of the hypocrisy that is practiced so openly by such women (and I suppose men as well), who are willing to cast stones at me.
Just my thought for the afternoon.
Karma will get everyone in the end.
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