Times passed

A few days ago, a few years ago.

Where do I even start? Of course I'm not that girl, that impetuous, irrational, angry girl that I was when I was twenty. How could I be? It's been a decade since that time, and even I mellow to a certain extent with that much time passing. But I don't suppose that it's just that. I was so very young. Not that I thought I was young then. Of course not. I thought I knew everything then. Who doesn't, at that age? I thought I was invincible. I was young and wild and free. It was so recent, the freedom from my parents' house. And I was still so angry. I was angry at everything, it seemed. Not that I ever said that, not out loud. But it was in my actions. I never took anyone's advice, even if I should have. And I would always strike first, to hurt, to harm, to insure that no one could hurt me.

I felt I had been hurt enough. If you were going to leave me, it would be on my terms. If you didn't love me, I didn't care anyhow, so it wouldn't matter. Be my plaything, nothing more. I loved nothing and no one. It was such bullshit. All of it, such a lie. And so few people even knew it. That bravado served me well. Serves me well.

And I'm tired of it. Tired of the pain. Tired of a mask of not showing anything. And it's become my default expression. It isn't even a mask anymore, it simply is who I am. Even when I want to cry, I sometimes can't now. For the tears to come, the pain has to be so completely overwhelming that I can't take anymore, and then it crushes me. And I can't breathe.

Perhaps I do have value. Perhaps my value is in the fact that I survived. That I looked around, and once I got through everything, and I finally managed to stand again, I helped others. Whether I value me for myself, perhaps the value is there just the same. Because after that time when I was twenty, when I was so horrible, and I did so much damage. After I was damaged so badly through my youth. I did come out the other side, and in doing so, I did for others what I had wished someone could have done for me. And I did that for a long, long time.

Even now, I still look around, and I do for others what I would wish would be done for me. I do for small ones what I would automatically wish and hope someone would do for my daughter, if she were in any given situation. At some point, I realized that what I am, and what I became at some point was a person who tends to treat others the way I wish I was treated, even when that isn't necessarily the case.

I can be spiteful sometimes still. But these days, it tends to be more of a thought about being spiteful, rather than an actual action. Something I sit and ponder, not something I *do*. And then I go back to reality. I could be that person again, I suppose. The person who could and did hurt the people around me, because it kept me safe from anyone being able to injure me. But I don't want to. I'd rather deal with the pain myself, than inflict it on anyone else.

I'm stronger than that, now. I don't need to hurt anyone else. Let them hurt themselves. I can deal on my own now.

Secret word of the week

This week's word of the week is "indelible".

Easy Sunday Morning

I started this a post with this title over a week ago, and never finished it. I got sidetracked, and then couldn't get my words to line up in the correct order to suit me, so I just never finished the original thought.

My words are still not entirely cooperating with me. But I figure I might as well make the attempt. And since it's once again Sunday morning, here I am again. It's the wee hours of Sunday, to be sure, but Sunday it most certainly is.

So what's an easy Sunday morning? It's lying in bed, watching a movie with someone you love. Doing the Sunday crossword if you happen to be into that type of thing. Cooking breakfast, or eating bagels. Drinking coffee. Cuddling with the one you care about, or just sitting and reading books together. Playing a video game.

Spending time together, doing whatever makes you happy. Being happy. Easy Sunday morning.

Right now, for me? It means sitting here, with a computer on my lap blogging, watching somebody sleep, because it makes me happy.

It's something different for everyone, I'm sure. And that's okay, because nothing is ever the same for every person. And that's how it should be. We're all different, and our differences make us who we are.

So go out, have your Sunday mornings, and enjoy them. Take time to look around you, and savor the small things. A cup of coffee. Hug somebody you love. Tell a small one that they're important. Play a board game. Spend fifteen minutes coloring in a coloring book with your kids. Whatever it is that will make you happy for a small part of the day. That's it.

That's my bit for the day.

Things to be thankful for

I don't generally bother with this, because the Thanksgiving holiday is not my favorite of holidays. Well, to be fair, I don't much like holidays to begin with. But I'm making an exception this year, because I actually have things to be thankful for this year.

And for that reason, here's my Thanksgiving blog.

This has been a long year for me, with several ups and downs. Danny and I have split up, and it's a permanent split, though we're remaining friends in the end. Seven years is a long time for us to have been together, and ending things is harder than I thought it would be. It's for the best, and I'm glad that we'll still be friends. I love him, but it was the right decision for both of us.

I lost several friends this year, and it hurt me, badly, the loss of them. Losing people I care about hurts me, even if it isn't visible to others. I tend to not let anyone see that pain, because I don't like anyone to see weakness in me.

I am extremely grateful that I have my daughter back and close enough to see as often as I wish, and that she and I are as close as we are. She is the sunshine and light and laughter for me, and I love her. She is the best thing that ever happened to me and for me.

I'm grateful and thankful for my Dad, who I have, finally. My mom finally did it right, and married him. Yay, Mom! All jokes aside, it made me happy, having two parents finally under one roof, and knowing that there's a home somewhere I can go if I need to, no matter what. And he tells me that, all the time. My Dad is the awesome. I love you Dad.

My life probably seems like it's a mass of chaos to the outside observer, and sometimes it really can be, but for the most part, I like my life.

I have some people back in my life right now who I have missed for a very long time, and who have made me happy, and I am content. I am loved, I love, and things are peaceful for me. I have waited a long time for this, to be complete.

And this peace isn't brought by someone else, it starts and finishes with me. The other people in my life add to it, but at the base, it begins and ends with me. I talked to someone about that recently, the fact that my happiness can't be based on someone else, it has to begin with me. I can't base happiness on an external source, it has to begin with being happy with myself first, and I finally am beginning to grasp that concept.

So I'm thankful this year, for what I've learned, and for finally being able to be happy. For being myself. For the people who love me, and for the people I love. I'm grateful for my life, and the people who helped me get here.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I shouldn't love you. I should just make it all stop, cauterize the wound and walk away. I've done it before. It took time, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I did it, and I survived. And it made me strong. Stronger than I would have otherwise been. Strong enough to survive what came after. Strong enough to survive what I needed to be able to get through, and to become who I am now.

And I kind of like who I am now. Dependable, loyal. I'm a good person now, even though I don't always admit to it. And some of those traits are directly related to what I learned from you, from the innocence you shared with me. I learned a lot of things from you. I learned some instinctively, and some I learned by being exposed to you as a type of person I had absolutely no experience with.

You changed me. Being with you changed me. And that's okay, because they were changes I needed. I was always strong. Emotionally strong. I handled everything, because I had to. I still am, at the base, that person. The strong one. But it was tempered, because of what I learned from you. Something inside of me was somewhat gentled, calmed. I don't have to damage others now with my strength. I don't need to be everything for everyone, I just need to be strong enough for me. Strong enough to take care of me, and the people who are important to me.

But while I want you, and while I need you, I know that to love you is dangerous. Love is dangerous for me. Loving you could be dangerous for me. Detrimental? Possibly. I am not like you when I love. Or perhaps it's that I am frightened that I might be like you now. I wasn't like you. I was distanced in my love for people. In my love for you. I was several steps apart. I cared, I loved you, but it was a thing separate. It didn't touch me visibly the way it should have. I was disconnected, and safe behind my walls. I am disconnected much of the time, from the things that affect most people. I stand apart, watching, and observing things around me, without the emotional barrage. How interesting that must be, is generally how I see it.

So here I sit, conflicted and confused. Because I just don't know what the hell I want to be doing anymore. And even when I think I know, it changes with almost every breath. The only time I *know* doesn't even make sense anymore. Because it's a complete clusterfuck of inconsistency. I want you. I need you. I need to hold you. I need to have you hold me. I need to talk to you. See you. Laugh with you. But then I need to have you leave, because I need space to sort through things. And without that space, I feel like I'll go insane, because after a certain amount of time, I just can't breathe anymore. My head is spinning and I'm dizzy with it. I need to push you away. I'm broken and I don't know why.

Secret word of the week

It's Sunday again...the weeks are passing quickly lately for me, or so it seems. And so we're back around to another new word of the week. And this week I need to choose another.

What should the word for this week be?

This week, we shall have:

"Zeitgeist"

Because that seems to be what I feel right now...You can look it up, if it doesn't immediate ring bells for you.

I am not like them

I am myself. No one else. Each person can be no one but themselves, correct? And as such, I can be no one but me. And I am not like them. Do not judge the way I will respond by the way you've been treated. And please don't think that I will do to you as they have done.

I am not them.

I am sad today. There is a vast emptiness inside of me because I feel as though I have failed and should somehow be giving more than I am. Should be supplying something that I'm not. Helping somehow in a way that I'm not, and I do not know how to give or do more than I already am. This is my failing, and I know not how to overcome it. I hold your face in my hands, and I am complete in that moment. But you are not, and I don't know how to help you. I am, briefly, whole again, and it is a feeling I wish you could share. Even for a moment, that feeling of being complete is wonderful.

Would I leave, if things change? No, not for anything. I would fight with everything I have to keep you a part of my life, in any way necessary. You are important to me. It pains me that I never explained that to you. It breaks my heart that I don't have the words for you to make it clear easily. You matter. *YOU* matter. You can take away the other things, and it's you who matters, not the other things. I can live without those things. But I need you in my life. That matters to me, and I would fight to keep you as a part of it. Will fight for it, if it came to that. I won't lose you again.