Hmmm

Just random blogging tonight, from me. I just watched a movie that I rather enjoyed, called "In The Land Of Women". It came out in 2006, although I don't remember hearing anything about it in theaters during that year, so chances are it wasn't very big, or it was independent, so it didn't make much noise. But I enjoyed it. You can check out the synopsis on IMDB if you're interested in seeing what it's all aboot and whatnot.

I love my Netflix account, because it enables me to watch stuff like that, without having to be buying films left and right and blowing a lot of cash I don't have.

I'm rather happy right now. I enjoyed my day today. I cleaned my room, and reorganized a bookcase, to make some space for candles, and to fit some other things on those shelves. I've done some laundry. Ate some Chinese food. Watched the movie. Just basically had a calm day. I'm listening to MP3's right now, through headphones. I have my cat curled up right here next to me, and we're just chilling out. It's very peaceful.

My dad is home from his back surgery. It went very well, and that makes me happy. I was worried, because I know he had problems coming out of the last surgery. I don't like hospitals, and I like them even less when they tell me they're keeping my dad. So I'm glad he's home and safe. Christmas is coming up, and I wanted him home and safe. I feel better now that I know he's home.

I'm torn, right now. I'm somewhere in between restless and content. I'm restless because I want to be with my Monkey for Christmas, and I know I'm not going to, because it's too far for me to make the haul over the mountain passes, and it's too expensive to make the trek, and with a slight headcold I know better, because it turns into pneumonia *every single time*. But I still am restless because it's the holidays and I want my baby. But I'm content, because I know that I'll be with someone I love for Christmas too. It's just kind of conflicting for me. It's very hard, to have to try and make peace with it. Next year will be easier, because I will be nearby, and when I want to watch her open presents, I will be right there. I will like that. I don't like being so far away. It's strange, the idea of wanting to be near my family, because I've not felt a pull to be close to family before. It's a strange feeling for me.

I was talking to my Mom about this, the other day. I can still remember vividly the shocking feeling of asking someone how to get home when I was lost when they first moved to where they live now. And having this complete stranger look at me and say "Oh, you're Jack's daughter. Hi there." And then point me toward home. Because being his daughter is a good thing. And the feeling of being accepted immediately because he is so very well loved there, and that just peaceful feeling of belonging to him...god that felt good. "My Daddy loves me". Because I always knew that. And my Dad loves me just as much. And I know that, unquestioningly. Just like I always knew Daddy loved me. But going to a place where somebody looked at me, and said "Oh, you're his daughter". Because I never had that. Not ever. And I want to go and live somewhere like that. And have him close by, where I can drop by and see him, whenever I want. I do want that.

And I'm babbling. So I'll shut up now. Stupid holidays. This is lame. Sentiment looks all sappy and weird on me. Blarg. I'm going to go find ice cream now, and watch the most horrible movie or television show I can think of, that has absolutely no sentiment involved in it. Because this is lame. Damn the holidays!

G'nite internets.

Secret word of the week

Good morning, internets. It's a lovely Sunday morning, and it's that time again. Sunday morning word of the week. I haven't picked out the word for the week yet, so I'll be perusing through my various sites until I see something that strikes my fancy, and then I'll be hopping back here to post it.

This week's word of the week is:

halcyon


As in...

These are the halcyon days we missed...and I am enjoying them...

Happy Christmas (war is over)

It's a song title, actually. I downloaded it today. It's one of the very few Christmas songs that I really really like. And I had the lyrics running through my head today, and so I wanted to listen to the song. It's playing right now, in the background while I write this blog. The song is by John Lennon, for those of you who are unfamiliar with it.

This year has been chaotic for me. I have felt as though nothing would ever be alright again. I don't even know which end is up half the time anymore. Every time I turned around, I was crying, or screaming, or just spinning around like a top.

I changed my entire life around, because I was unhappy. I needed to change things. And change is frightening. And I'm still terrified. I have hurt people I love. I have wounded people. I have angered people. I have made bad decisions. I have made mistakes and I'll probably still make mistakes.

I can't help any of those things. I'm human. But in the end, I did the right thing, for the right reasons.

I woke up this morning, and I was happy. I am happy. I will do everything in my power to not screw this up this time. I want this more than anything. I don't want to run away, and I don't want to hide.

All I want is to love you. I want to feel loved and safe and happy. I meant what I said. Second to Dana, you're the most important thing in the world to me. And I'm happy.

Happy Holidays, internets.

Behind these eyes

Are a thousand thoughts, a constant stream of fluctuating feelings. And one dream.

Hold me. Brush the hair off my face, and tell me that it's still all right, and that I'm still safe.

I'm still torn and broken. Let me heal.

Secret word of the week

Today is Sunday and this week's word of the week is:

Pre-sequitur.

Have a nice day, boys and girls.

Sadness

God, I don't want to cry anymore. I'm sick of it. It's so pathetic and stupid. I feel like a pathetic sad loser. This is the stupid shit that *girls* do. He doesn't want me, fine. Great. Suck it up. Get over it. He's obviously going to do whatever he's going to do, because he isn't listening to me. He isn't listening to anyone but her. My guess would be that he won't sit down and talk to anyone at all about this anyhow. If he tried talking to anyone except me about it, he might get told that it's a bad idea, and then he'd have to deal with the idea that more people than me would advise him of that, and taking advice isn't his strong suit.

Maybe I'm just being bitter. Maybe I've earned the right to be bitter? Who knows. I don't understand anything anymore. Why the fuck anyone would deliberately go looking for something else when they're perfectly happy with what they had makes no sense to me.

I have never felt anything close to how he makes me feel. I have never felt as desired by anyone in my life. I don't know how he can look at me that way, can hold me that way...and then tell me he loves someone else. The emotional bond is there. The trust is there. The connection is there. We laugh. We talk. All of the things that would ordinarily make for good compatibility are there. There is no denying just how easily we fall into each other, and how well we fit together. You had trouble keeping your hands off of me...and then, suddenly, you love her? You can't handle this, and you ran to her. And now I'm lost. And I hurt. And I'm left behind.

You say you want to keep me close. You won't leave me behind. Things will stay the same. You don't want to lose me, that I'm too important to you to risk losing. That in the last few months I've become too important to risk losing. You were so worried about that.

And not even two days have passed, and you won't even talk to me. And here I sit, alone. Once again, alone. I tried to tell you that she wouldn't allow it, that she couldn't handle the idea of you being close to me. No one ever can. And I always get left behind.

I'm always the woman who is good enough to play games with for sex...but I'm never the woman who's worth loving enough to stay with. And I'm always the woman who gets left behind, because no one is willing to fight for me.

So I'll cry. And when the tears dry, I'll have my memories this time. And I'll love you, because I can't do anything else but that. And you'll either remember or forget, because that's up to you. Everything always was. And I don't believe anymore that you don't love me. I think you're afraid of it. And that's okay. I hurt you. I didn't deserve you. I don't deserve you. But I love you. I love you more than she can, or will. And I understand you in a way I don't think she can.

You tell me you've forgiven me for the past. They say that time heals everything, and if that's true, then someday maybe you'll look around, and realize that the past is gone, and the person I am now is worth your time. And there's nothing for you to fear. You didn't give me the same chance that you're so willing to give her, and she was and is disloyal and wronged you badly. And that seems unfair to me. I'm sorry that that seems harsh to you. You can look at me, and make love with me, and hold me, and wake with me. But you won't give me the same chance you'll give her. And that hurts. That alone is the one thing you've done that's injured me. You'd give her a chance you refuse to give me.

My tears will stop. The pain will ease. But I miss you. And I'm sorry that you're gone, because this isn't what I wanted. I didn't want you to go. Even if the 'escapades' ended, I didn't want to lose you.

Goodbye my friend/lover

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let them frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the mother of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.


Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.


--not written by me--
--author unknown--