Concrete heart...

Is that me? Is it you? I have high walls around a heart made of concrete. I give off a very good imitation of it. Day to day to day. I felt a crack inside that heart that I haven't felt in years, and it scared me. I don't want to feel that anymore. My heart is safer that way, made of stone. It was bashed, and battered and bruised. I had a soft, loving heart once. And as time passed, that heart was damaged so badly, it turned to stone, and spikes developed, a self-protection mechanism. And I built a wall, to keep me safe.

I became over the years the ultimate loner. Always surrounded by a group and always alone. I took who I wanted, and damn the consequences. I never really intentionally hurt anyone. I didn't poach particularly. I wasn't interested in being someone's girlfriend. I had no use for romance. No use for sentimentality. Until one day, I was just rambling along, and I wasn't paying attention.

I hadn't inspected my walls in a while, and there was a hole along the base, about your size. You must've just slipped through. Inside my wall, you see, there are flowers. It can be quite lovely in here. A garden, grass. Pretty things. Pretty thoughts. There are clouds, and sunshine and laughter. Things you can't see if you're on the outside. It's rather austere and forbidding from the other side. But there you were, just wandering around on the inside.

And I was a fool, and didn't realize in time that you were on the inside. I glanced up, and there you were. Didn't look closely enough to notice that you were on the inside, with the flowers. Because I was so accustomed to seeing things by peering over the wall, I only saw what I expected to see.

By the time I realized what I saw wasn't in fact what I was expecting...it was too late. You were inside my defenses...and I was in turn defenseless...I had no choice but to trust you as I asked you to trust me. I never quite managed to push you out of my defenses. I've since decided there isn't any point. Something about you fits inside some empty part of me, and that's something I'm going to have to accept. Even if I have to let you go, that part of me is going to have to accept it.

What you decide to accept or reject, those are decisions for you to make. Those aren't mine. But I've decided to accept how I feel and where you fit. Thanks for that. And for the trust you gave me. And for breaching a wall...even if I did end up filling it back in later...

Addendum

Guess I wasn't stood up. He was just running on his own personal time clock. I keep forgetting that since I tend to be on time, other people aren't. Meh. I guess I needed today. I needed the few hour stretch for us to clear the air and talk. And we did that, and now things will be whatever they're going to be. I'm watching 'Full Metal Jacket'. It's a good movie I guess. I owe Phillip one, which I'll get him for later. He agreed to watch a film of my choice to make up for me watching FMJ. I'll pick one at a later date.

I haven't decided what to make of things. I haven't decided what I'm going to make of a lot of things right now. Might have something to do with my new meds, though. I rather like my new meds. I'm rambling.

That was my addendum.

Goodnight internets.

Sadness

Right now I am currently in the process of being stood up. People have wondered why it is that I have the outlook that I do on life. Well, here it is, in a nutshell. I expect the worst from people, because when I expect to be let down, at least it doesn't hurt as badly when it happens. When I'm not counting on something, there isn't the colossal blow of disappointment in the end.

I would rather just expect to have everyone completely ignore me and get screwed over and have it be a nice surprise to be wrong, than hope for the best and be disappointed. Isn't that sad?

Some people see the glass as half full. I am not the eternal optimist. That's me. Take it or leave it. I'll hold you up when you need someone to keep you going. I'll hug you when you need it. I'll keep everything together for everybody else. But I don't trust anyone else to do that for me, ever. Because no one does. Lessons learned the hard way. Never let it get that far. I can and generally am the strength everyone else takes for granted. The survivor. It's what I do. Who I am. Who people expect me to be. And I'm damned good at it.

I'll never be the girl who walks around smiling all the time. Never be the random life of the party. I won't ever be the girl next door. But I'll always be the one who can be counted on when there's no one else. And I'll always be there when you need me.

I am who and what I am.

Well haven't I been productive today?

Why, yes, yes I have. I woke up rather abruptly this morning, and went out and picked up spooky juice. Yay, spooky juice! Then came home, and sent Danny off to work.

So far today I have:

Cleaned the kitchen
Made italian chicken
Made bread
Picked up spooky juice
Received a FedEx delivery
Listened to a bunch of Mp3s
Blogged
Chatted on AIM
Chatted on Gtalk
Talked for like three hours on the phone to Kat
Taken a shower and shaved
Worried


For me? That's a lot. And it's not even 3:30. Sheesh.

Dunno what's up with that. So, not sure what's going on with me. And Danny found a somewhat entertaining website.It's a kind of comedic Dear John letter site.It's so funny.

No one has ever accused me of being altogether nice, and this just continues that trend. I've definitely been on a tangent this week. It's been a very strange week for me, and I need to wrap my head around it. I'm getting there. I wonder if Justin reads my blogs? I need to remember to ask him. Or if he does, he can simply tag me and volunteer that information, that will accomplish the same thing :)

I'll write more later, it smells like my bread is approaching done-ness.

Bye everybody.

Please remember....

Time...
Sometimes the time just slips away
And you're left with this today
Left with the memories
I...I'll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time I had you with me
Though we go our separate ways
I won't forget
So don't forget
The memories we made
Please remember
Please remember
I was there for you and you were there for me
Please remember
Our time together
When time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
Please remember
Please remember
Me...
Goodbye
There's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
With just the memories
Losing all the minor bets
We leave behind a life and time we'll never know again
Please remember
Please remember
I was there for you and you were there for me
And remember
Please remember
Me...
Please remember
Please remember
I was there for you and you were there for me
Please remember our time together
When time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
And remember
Please remember
Me...
And how we laughed
And we smiled
And how this world was yours and mine
And how no dream was out of reach
I stood by you
You stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ran so fast
We ran so free
I had you and you had me...
Please remember...

---LeeAnn Rimes---
--Soundtrack from Coyote Ugly--

Random

If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders....

Reflections

So I was just looking at some pictures on JB's myspace page, of her sitting in some kind of fancy black formalish dress, on a swing, and she looks about 15 or 16 years old. She looks all melancholy in the picture, and it made me stop and ponder things. I looked like that at one point during that period in my life. Hell, there was even a time when I could be found in the middle of the night, swinging on a park swing, thinking what I'm sure I believed were deep, meaningful thoughts. Not so sure now that they were deep in and meaningful, but back then I probably thought they were.

But it strikes me, looking at that picture of her, that there are no such photographs of me. No such evidence of me. I was never that innocent. I might have spent time swinging on a swing, thinking deep thoughts at night, but the innocence wasn't there. And there were no friends around to catch it on film. And by the point that there might have been someone around with a camera? Chances are, by that time, there were enough drugs to float a barge, and enough alcohol to float a cruise ship.But nobody to care. Party hearty, right? Not the best of decision making on my part then. And I doubt I even cared. Nobody to answer to, and nobody to care what I did.

And that's a trait I always kept. If you don't let anyone close, there's no one to hurt you. Oh, there are always people around. Looking back, scores of people around, in fact. To the outside eye, my place seemed like a revolving door most of the time. I was the local teenage runaway halfway house. In my mind I guess I was trying to save someone, the way no one ever tried to save me? Something along those lines at any rate. At some point, you have to stop fighting to save everyone else, and save yourself, and I eventually did that. I don't have a halfway house anymore. Not for wayward teens. Not for anyone.

And it's easier to not let anyone in, not really. Some wounds don't heal. They scar over, but the cuts remain. Some things you learn, and those lessons stay with you.

Sometimes you forget. And sometimes you remember. And sometimes you need to remember, and you fight for the memories.