Wow...just...oh...

I was just on Facebook, looking at profiles. And I inadvertently stumbled onto the profile of a very old acquaintance of mine, from when I went to church as a teenager. And I linked back through his friends lists, and kind of took a stroll down through memories I didn't even think I still had, which kind of tends to knock me for loops when they all tumble together like that. It's a little unnerving, and because Facebook proves pictures, and it is easier for me to link photos together in my brain than it is with words, let's just say I had a very interesting afternoon.

They have children now, in most cases. And it's strange to see who ended up with whom from that youth group. And easy to see which children belong to whom, and sad for me to see that there are so many divorces. That the people with the children in all the photos are listed as "single" in the profiles. It made me sad to realize that in the last 15 years, they've been married, had children, divorced. They appear to all still be wrapped up in the church, which struck me as a cross between funny and sad, given that I would have though the marriages might have stuck better if they were supposed to be faith-based or whatever.

I don't know. But it was...strange. So many things that changed, and stayed the same. All at once. Just been a peculiar afternoon.

I miss you...

I miss you...There's no other way to say it. And I...I can't deny it...

I'm talking about my internets, of course. Comcast are being right bastards, and my internets are missing! I have bundled services with them, it's a new thing, and we're still working out the wrinkles. Suffice it to say, right now, I'm not at all pleased with the new way things are working. I probably will be in the end, but right now, not at all.

I am, however, very pleased with the new HD-DVD player quality we've got going on. And we picked up a new Comcast HDMI TV box, not sure how that'll work out. I'm told it'll give completely clear digital signal, though I can't confirm that yet, as I don't have all the proper cables hooked up. But the quality on the DVD is phenomenal.

I miss other things as well. Perhaps at some point they will pull their heads from their bums. One can hope.

Concrete heart...

Is that me? Is it you? I have high walls around a heart made of concrete. I give off a very good imitation of it. Day to day to day. I felt a crack inside that heart that I haven't felt in years, and it scared me. I don't want to feel that anymore. My heart is safer that way, made of stone. It was bashed, and battered and bruised. I had a soft, loving heart once. And as time passed, that heart was damaged so badly, it turned to stone, and spikes developed, a self-protection mechanism. And I built a wall, to keep me safe.

I became over the years the ultimate loner. Always surrounded by a group and always alone. I took who I wanted, and damn the consequences. I never really intentionally hurt anyone. I didn't poach particularly. I wasn't interested in being someone's girlfriend. I had no use for romance. No use for sentimentality. Until one day, I was just rambling along, and I wasn't paying attention.

I hadn't inspected my walls in a while, and there was a hole along the base, about your size. You must've just slipped through. Inside my wall, you see, there are flowers. It can be quite lovely in here. A garden, grass. Pretty things. Pretty thoughts. There are clouds, and sunshine and laughter. Things you can't see if you're on the outside. It's rather austere and forbidding from the other side. But there you were, just wandering around on the inside.

And I was a fool, and didn't realize in time that you were on the inside. I glanced up, and there you were. Didn't look closely enough to notice that you were on the inside, with the flowers. Because I was so accustomed to seeing things by peering over the wall, I only saw what I expected to see.

By the time I realized what I saw wasn't in fact what I was expecting...it was too late. You were inside my defenses...and I was in turn defenseless...I had no choice but to trust you as I asked you to trust me. I never quite managed to push you out of my defenses. I've since decided there isn't any point. Something about you fits inside some empty part of me, and that's something I'm going to have to accept. Even if I have to let you go, that part of me is going to have to accept it.

What you decide to accept or reject, those are decisions for you to make. Those aren't mine. But I've decided to accept how I feel and where you fit. Thanks for that. And for the trust you gave me. And for breaching a wall...even if I did end up filling it back in later...