this friday, my day will most likely suck ass

So on Friday I'll be going in to see my doctor about some testing, since my pregnancy test did come back negative. While I'll still need to have one more of those run, just to rule out the last of the fun and games we had since I wasn't on active birth control for that three week run, I still need to know what the hell is wrong with me.

Unfortunately, while I'm very much aware there are many, many women out there who are coming up negative on pregnancy tests in this country because of antibodies bonding to the HCG hormones in their bodies, that are masking pregnancies, and they only find out by ultrasound about the babies, I can't exactly just sit around and wait.

Thus, I searched out other stuff...and came up with the fact that one other thing fits my symptoms. And it sucked. Enough that in spite of my hating dealing with my doctor, off to the stupid ass physician I go. Apparently ovarian cancer also fits most of my symptoms pretty damned well.

And since I've already had cancer, and the majority of my immediate family has also had reproductive cancer in some fashion, I guess I'm about to go through a round of testing, just to be sure. I'm not willing to take that kind of a chance. My health is already unstable enough without throwing an advanced case of cancer that *can't* be treated into the mix.

The Mayo Clinic website on Ovarian Cancer

Signs and symptoms

Symptoms of ovarian cancer are nonspecific and mimic those of many other more common conditions, including digestive and bladder disorders. It isn't unusual for a woman with ovarian cancer to be diagnosed with another condition before finally learning she has cancer. The key seems to be persistent or worsening signs and symptoms. With most digestive disorders, symptoms tend to come and go, or they occur in certain situations or after eating certain foods. With ovarian cancer, there's typically little fluctuation — symptoms are constant and gradually worsen.

Recent studies have shown that women with ovarian cancer are more likely than are other women to consistently experience the following symptoms:

* Abdominal pressure, fullness, swelling or bloating
* Urinary urgency
* Pelvic discomfort or pain

Additional signs and symptoms that women with ovarian cancer may experience include:

* Persistent indigestion, gas or nausea
* Unexplained changes in bowel habits, including diarrhea or constipation
* Changes in bladder habits, including a frequent need to urinate
* Loss of appetite
* Unexplained weight loss or gain
* Increased abdominal girth or clothes fitting tighter around your waist
* Pain during intercourse (dyspareunia)
* A persistent lack of energy
* Low back pain

Doctors can usually diagnose ovarian cancer within three months of women first noticing symptoms, but sometimes it may take six months or longer before a diagnosis can be made.

This week has been....

long? Tiresome? Irritating? It's actually been all of those things. I am mostly frustrated right now. Danny will be picking up the films and the MRI report this afternoon for me, so I'll have it to read by the end of the day. And my doctor's office is fitting me in to see my primary tomorrow. And the woman on the phone's greeting to me? "You're the girl with brain cancer, right?" Fucking yay. Yes, I am the girl with brain cancer. And yes, I realize that it's not a common thing for them to see in the clinic, but christ almighty, did they have to make me feel even more paranoid? Especially seeing as how I've not seen the most recent results of my films?

I've been exhausted all week. Tomorrow is Friday, and I haven't really done anything at all since I had that seizure. It's taken four full days for me to walk without flinching from the leg cramps. I'm still sore, but it's finally easing off.

The Schwan's guy will be here sometime today, yay for groceries. And the water submersible MP3 player that I wanted will also be here sometime today. UPS tracking tells me that it's on the truck as I type. I'm looking forward to that.

We watched "Rocky Balboa" last night, from Netflix. The dialogue was horrible. The fight scenes were what they always are. It just wasn't very good. How disappointing.

Things aren't as warm and fuzzy as I keep claiming to everyone. My speech has been problematic all week. I've had a headache, and trouble concentrating too. My balance is off. And the more I worry about it, the worse it gets. And I can't seem to do anything at all to control it. So I'm all tucked back into my little personal bubble, trying to wait it out, but it's hard because I'd gotten so adjusted to taking normalcy for granted.

Sorry for the whining tone to this post. I just don't know what else to do.