March 10, 2014 my beautiful, loyal, halloween spooky black cat died

I came home, and I found him upstairs panting and crying for me. He couldn't walk ten steps before he collapsed. Less than three hours later, he died in my arms.

People keep asking me how I'm doing. I loved him. To be honest, I probably loved that little furry black cat more than I've ever loved anything or anyone, except my daughter. He never judged me, never hurt me, never made fun of me when I made mistakes.

How in the fuck do people think I'm doing? I'm not dead. To be honest, I'm not dead, because I don't want anyone else to feel the way I feel right now. I go back and forth between feeling completely empty, as though I just don't give a shit about anything at all. There is no point to being alive, not really. There's that, or to being absolutely furious, that he's gone. Because it isn't fair. He was the only thing I had, and he's gone. He loved me. And he's gone, and there's nothing I can do about it.

So the fact that I can't come up with anything constructive to talk about, or being positive, or looking ahead. You now what? Go fuck yourselves.

How many times have I propped people up, when they were this down, and I sure as shit didn't tell any of you that I had better things to do with my day that listen to you whine about how they feel, or how they didn't feel anything at all.

And there's the rage. 

So you want to know how I'm doing without him? That's how I'm doing. He's gone. I have to cope with it. But right now, the best I can do is not die, and not try to damage anyone else. I find it fucked up that the people who once knew me best, understood me best, could have understand that.

I'm already hurt and broken. Trust me, for all of the people who wanted me to suffer? You all got your wish. You wanted revenge? There you go. Congratulations. You won. You broke me.

Love vs Life - Yeah, that's me all right. It's always Controversial.

Love can change. Most people don't think about it in a literal way, but it's true. The way you feel about someone or something, can change day by day, minute by minute, even in an instant. And what are feeling? Well, bottom line, feeling end up in some fashion, love. Or hate, sometimes. They're emotions.

How you felt today may not be the same way that you'll feel tomorrow, but if we're talking about people, those feelings may still be love. Being "in" love tends to be misleading. I guess part of it has to do with chemistry and hormones, the high you get from feeling your pulse race and your skin burn and heat up.

What happens when the burning rush wears off? Now that's the question, right? Was it "love"? Or was it something else? And how do you figure that out?

Sex definitely complicates things. If you toss sex into the mix, it pretty much guarantees that it will make things more complicated, like trying to figure out love isn't hard enough, correct?

How do you get to know someone all the way, without that component? (Yes, I'm talking here to my adult readers). Can you? Possibly. Spending time getting to know someone is very important, whether you're looking for a relationship or just friendship.

Using the Internet has changing the world, and the rules, in a way that makes me sort of nervous about getting to know new people at all sometimes.

I've learned, not that I didn't know it before, that people lie. But it's so much easier to lie in the virtual world than it is in the physical world.

If you lie in a small town, those lies will catch you pretty fast. Online? Not so easily, and sometimes not at all. A scary image there, isn't it?

Who can you trust? Yourself? Instinct? Trust me, I am *not* the expert here. I crash and burn too.

You, yes. Back to love. People, *all* people, are imperfect. If you are out there looking for the perfect person who will make all your dreams come true? It's a fantasy.

If you're looking for someone who will "complete" you? You're going to be constantly disappointed.

Until you know yourself, love yourself, accept your strengths and your weaknesses on your own, and understand that you yourself are lovable and can love yourself on your own terms, when you can *really* see that?

That is when you'll see that you'll be able to compliment and embrace someone else. You don't need to be perfect. Neither does anyone else. Love, all love, isn't perfect.

It's a matter of understanding, accepting, supporting without overwhelming, and standing on your own two feet - but being willing to accept a hand if someone offers it when you need it.

Love does not demand, it gives support without crowding, it gives space to grow.

I guess I understand that now. Love can wait, there is no rush to get somewhere. It's a journey, not a destination.

Maybe life and love are the same?

Just a thought.

for green cookies, stir fry dinners, dogs down playing at the river, family, and love...please don't forget...I'm so sorry...

No one enjoys being a blind idiot. Well, I suppose some people do, but I'm not one of them.

I also don't particularly enjoy hurting people, or hurting myself. As it turns out, I managed to do both, without ever realizing it. Problem with the whole fucking situation? It happened so many years ago that by now, as it has been so nonchalantly put it - that ship has long since sailed, and I wasn't on it, and even if I try to take a new ship to get there, I'm fairly sure I'm not welcome anymore.

Have you ever stopped and looked at your life, looked back at it, and wondered where the time went? Thought about the choices you made, or the decisions you've made, and wondered what would have happened if...?

The truth is, that's not something I have ever spent a lot of time thinking about. Suddenly I've been thinking about such things, and I gotta say, it sort of sucks. I was always one of the people who knew that you can't change the past, so dwelling on it didn't do a whole lot of good, so what was the point, right?

Yeah, well, apparently I was just sticking my head in the sand so that I didn't need to deal with the emotions and loss that could and does come with it. I think I'd rather be oblivious. It doesn't hurt as much.

I used to lament my missing memories, because I thought it was a curse. As it turns out? Maybe it wasn't so bad. Knowing what I lost, sometimes, it really really hurts more than I ever imagined.

I saw something once that told me that I should write about what I know. This is what I know.

I'm thirty six years old. I am far from perfect. I made the worst made in judgement imaginable and it cost me something and someone I may never get back, and that's something I have to learn to accept. It is going to take some time, possibly a lot of time, to heal from the wounds I put myself in a position in to be damaged this badly from. I need to figure out who I am now, and where it is that I want to go from here.

The only thing I know for sure, with all of the mixed up things in my screwed up life, is that I *do not* want to lose my friends.

I allowed myself to be isolated and I'm sorry for that, but I can't change it. I hope you love me enough to forgive me and my stupidity, and will love me still, and come back, because I still love you.

Day by day, I'll get stronger, and as time passes, I *will* heal.

It's been a long time - and I hope you're still here!

It really has been quite a while, and I have some good reasons, and I have some really lousy reasons. Maybe I'll get into them.

I'll start things off with a bang, by saying my blog *is* back, and should be active once again, not this bullshit every once-in-a-blue-moon deal. Sorry about that, for those of you who actually did read it regularly, and missed me.

I can't guaranty that it'll be as much fun as it used to be, but at least it won't be dead. Being able to read, (sort of), write (again, sort of) and have opinions (definitely!) again, means that I'll have to sit and blather on *somewhere*, ergo, here I am!

But really, I've been out of the loop, and I'm just now starting to get back in the groove. Also, I'm back in school, working on my Bachelor's degree. Figure since everyone else in existence has had a good time screwing around with my brain, it's about time I get a degree so *I* can screw  around with everybody else's!

In that vein, in another year or so, you can look for Controversy in a supermarker near you, peddling my wares as a trained and licensed psychologist, specializing in working with teenagers. All kidding aside, that's what I've wanted to do when I grow up for quite a while, and that dream is actually within my grasp now. So close, in fact, I can practically taste it. It tastes damn good too.

For those who are interested, the school I'm attending is the American Military University, which is an online-only fully accredited university, which is also open to the public. So don't be put off by the "military" in the name. Essentially, it's teh awesome, right down the line. People from all over the freaking world attend there, and it's pretty much top-notch. Also, they've got fields for degrees that are actually *useful* in the current market, unlike an awful lot of traditional schools. And yes, they have financial aid, etc. So if you're thinking about going back to school, at least go and take a look.

So, let me think...what's going on in my life, aside from my poster-board add for the University? Oh, right. My grandmother passed away in April, and that sucked great big donkey balls, and I took it hard, a lot harder than I had thought I was going to. I'd known it was coming (she was 98, so, you know, it was sort of predictable), but it still felt like somebody hit me with a 2x4 in the gut. And a week and a half ago, my grandfather-in-law passed away, which I also knew was coming, and ended up having the same damned feeling. Which sucked, and is also irritating. I really, truly thought I was prepared. Turns out? When you love someone? No amount of preparation changes a damned thing.

I lost a bunch of weight. I gained a bunch of weight. I lost some of it again. Gained a bit, lost a little. Seems to be holding steady for right now. My hair finally started growing, yay! And, as I'd be warned, it's curly as all hell, unless I blow it dry. And even when I do that, it's still pretty wavy. I'm okay with that, because honestly? It looks pretty good on me.

Over the last couple of weeks, the weather finally got warm, and I finally decided I no longer give three craps about what anyone thinks about my jiggly butt, or my arms, or anything else, actually, so I've been running around in tank tops and shorts, and as a result, I've got a fairly nice tan going on. One I haven't had in....oh, I'd say going on about ten years now. Which feels nice, since I'd started to feel like Casper the not-so-friendly-ghost. Even my hair is getting its share of nature highlights, so I may start looking like myself again, instead of...not me? I don't know. But with the new contact lenses, (yay, I can see!), a tan, my hair long again, the highlights the way it used to be. Even if I'm still heavy, I can move around, I can swim, I *feel* like me, so much more than I have in years.

I'm sitting here, curled up in a ball, a black cat with me, music in my ears, keyboard under my fingers, looking as my thoughts flow out. It feels so *normal*. Maybe that's what I needed, to sit here, looking at the computer, looking at my blog, writing to you - the people who used to be my listeners. And I feel in some very deep rooted way, complete, happy, real - in a way I haven't felt in so long I honestly can't remember.

This post is the 500th on here, and perhaps, no, I know why I haven't been writing until now. I had things to say, but I didn't want to just say "oh, hi, I'm not dead, see you later" as the post of the 500th.

Maybe that's vain. And that's alright, because I had to climb several big-ass mountains, and fell down quite a few times before I get to the top. But I made it, and I'm here. And and may not be whole. I'm definitely not the same. But I made it, and I didn't give up, and that's saying something. I haven't given up, given in, or or quit. And I won't. I still have a life to live, and I still have goals, and I'm still determined to reach them.

Ordinary Reader has left a new comment on your post: "It's been a year and a half and maybe you've forgotten about this blog long ago, but I want to ask. How are you?

Hey there Ordinary Reader,

I had been neglecting this blog, and I apologize to you, and any other people who also was a dedicated reader here.

The question posed as to how I am, and right up until about a half hour ago, my answer would have been "lousy".

That is not the case now, and Ordinary Reader - I saw your message. And it caused me to sit down and actually think that through, *really* think about it, and how I am. And after I thought about it, I suddenly realized that, yes, I am doing just fine. And this is why:

I have spent the last nearly two years feeling sorry for myself, and ashamed of myself, for things that I had no control over. If you're a long-time reader, you'll have seen that I've had a couple of brain tumors, and had them removed, and that the second tumor was malignant, a stage 3 cancer. And I have been taking way too many medications and have been through hell, trying to beat the odds on staying alive. I was given devastating odds on survival. I have, currently, beaten those odds with the help of a phenomenal Hematology-Oncology doctor Marshall Flam, M.D. here in Fresno, CA. I did radiation, chemotherapy, and it sucked. However, I'm alive, and getting better every day.

And it was a long, long haul to get here, and I still have some problems. But then again, who doesn't?

But I've been hiding, and trying to be and do something I'm not. I have handicaps now that changed who I used to be. Some of those changes made me a much better person today than I was. Some of those changes made me become ashamed of who and what I am now. And today, I took a good heard look at myself, and realized that I have no reason to feel ashamed about the person I am.

I have spent most of my adult life trying to fit in, trying to make up for the person I was before that first surgery. I've been apologizing endlessly to what feels like the entire world for sins that happened 17 years ago. The ironic part is that I haven't been able to remember the majority of those sins, because my long-term memory was thoroughly scrambled like eggs from the first removal.

I'm finished now, feeling ashamed of the woman I've become. I've tried to remember what happened way back then, and attempted to apologize to the people I hurt. And now? Now, I'm looking in the mirror, and the woman I am is a good person.

I deserve to be happy, with the choices I make now. I deserve to look at myself, and accept that I'm not ever going to be a model, never going to do some of the things I used to do. And that's alright, because I can do other things, and maybe these new things will work out, or maybe they won't, but there's nothing that stops me from trying now.

I am looking at myself, and I am not ashamed to be me. Not anymore. Thank you, Ordinary Reader, for reminding me who I am.

--Controversy

I know there's no popularity contest, and *certainly* I should long since given up the hope of being treated as something resembling an equal, but evidently hope springs eternal. And because of this, I keep getting smacked, over and over again, and keep looking around and trying to figure out what it is that makes me just so unlovable, and unwanted that I get kicked around and ignored unless it's convenient.

This has been an incredibly difficult year for me. I keep hoping that somehow, eventually, she's going to love me just for me. I should know better and I kept trying, looking for something that resembled some kind of family. I guess the truth is that I'm always going to be the not-good-enough one. The one who was difficult and troubled, so wasn't worth the hassle. And in the end, the one that wasn't even useful at all, when the model she wanted in the first place came back.

Maybe she doesn't care when I ask and ask for someone to visit me, and no one ever comes unless there is some secondary reason to come here. In five years, the only time she's ever come to town was when something else happened to coincide with work or other business, and every time I asked there was never enough money for her to afford to visit. But she can afford to go to other cities to visit the one she wanted, can even afford to go across the country to visit her, stopping all over visiting all kinds of things...but not me. And I'd been asking for months.

I feel small, and broken, and not worth anything. The way I always end up feeling when I think about her. I have enough trouble keeping my head above water, without this constant feeling of drowning from all of the things that are lacking in me that makes me useless.

And the thing that hurts the most is that no one will ever care, and I'll continue to go on crying and nothing will ever change, until I can just walk away and be done with it entirely.

Don't take your pleasure from my pain...

I had a birthday over the summer, and as a result, I'm now 33 years old. Since I got sick at the beginning of the year, and off and one since then, I keep thinking about the past. My memory is always going to be spotty, two surgeries on your brain will do that to someone. But the truth is, it occurred to me at my birthday, there was no one there who knew me before I was 20.

And the reason for that, because in high school I actually *did* have friends, is that the "friends" I had, have all decided that they hate me now. Not one single solitary one of them has ever explained to me what it was that I did. One of them, Jerusha, told me that I nearly ruined her life...and when I asked what it was that I *DID*, she refused to explain. I remember that she liked to party, had a drinking problem, and hated her parents...none of which had anything to do with me.

I'm fully aware that before that first tumor was diagnosed and removed, I was irrational, unreliable, and difficult to put it mildly. But I was also the girl who has completely miserable, most of the time. The one who ran away from home, because it was *that bad*, and not a single one of any of my "friends" asked why it was that I had no free time, and wasn't allowed to do any of the things that their parents allowed them do.

And now, the people who I actually *did* do something that might have hurt then, those people have been apologized to, and at least I attempted to make amends.

And yet, most of the people who 'knew me when', continue to hate me. People who take glee or some sort of satisfaction to continue to spread rumors and talk crap about me, for things that happened 15 years ago. I have a reputation for being a god-awful backstabbing person, someone not to be trusted, and who would ruin people by association.

Someone who was once a friend said that they could see me running toward a disaster, and didn't want to be caught in the fallout. What made me wonder about Sara was that she, also, never bothered to see if there was something *wrong*, that might have been causing me to do so many completely off the wall things.

As it turned out, in 2004, I learned that my lack of impulse control, my inability to be rational, to lose my temper at the least provocation, all of that was because I had a lump the size of a golf ball on three sections of my brain. As soon as all the extra pressure was removed, my entire personality changed, literally overnight.

And yet, the trash-talking persists. People talk to *other people*, not to *ME*, and they seem to enjoy insuring that my life will continue to be difficult. This town is too small for me not to run into people, virtually anywhere I go.

My life was difficult when I was younger. I was angry and unhappy, and when I finally grew up and managed to put myself back together, even if it took brain surgery to do it, I discovered that my past will apparently never be left in peace.

I've gone through hell, still not exactly living in a rose garden now, but it still won't let it rest in peace. I have *earned* that right, and yet it remains.

I just wish they would stop using me as a way to make themselves feel better about their lives. Wish they'd forget they ever knew me, or knew anything about me, because the choices I made, and the person I was, she doesn't even exist anymore, and hasn't existed for a long time.

Grow up, and leave me alone.

Old people.

Hi Blog-readers!

Yeah, that actually sounds as though I'm in a good mood, and that things are going better lately...well, to be fair, I *am* doing half-way better. I'm finished with radiation, and I won't need more (apparently), but I'll still be on chemo for 10 more months, at least. Downside? The dose is so much higher than my original dose that I spend a lot of time trying not to puke.

My psychologist recommended pot, since my anti-nausea stuff isn't working very well. It pretty much holds the nausea long enough to get the pills into my system, and the rest of the day, I want to throw up.

But I'm hanging onto the fact that the radiation is done, and that it was successful.

Completely different topic: I live in this town that in all actuality, is a fairly good size. But it feels for all the world, anytime you go anywhere, it seems as though we live in a town of 3000, instead of the million plus that it actually is.

The only places I don't run into people I used to know, or who knew me, are at my oncologists offices. Apparently, everyone I once knew have nice healthy lives. Must be nice. Yeah, I suppose I'm a little jealous.

So, yeah. This town...I wish I could move away, but the doctors are here, or in San Francisco, for what *I* have problems with. Which leaves me with really limited options for where I could live, and still reasonably healthy.

Oh...and hi stranger, I miss you.

Who knew? Oh, YOU knew!

It's funny, I was sitting down today to write out this post, when I realized that most of you are probably not picturing a woman curled up on a recliner, which has been set up specifically for me to be able to kick back under my desk. But, I do. Sit all curled up in this kind of setup.

For the last few months, I've been using my Mac to listen to posts, and pretty much not actually typing anything, so that was the more practical solution. I'm happy to report that I'm playing WoW again, which requires my desktop PC, and a lot of other boring things. But that does indeed mean that I'm kind of getting better, and being able to type and to think on my own. For the sake of speed, I get a lot of things word to me still, but for the most part, if I'm willing to spend the hours it would require it, I *could* actually read most things now.

My vision is still a little wonky, but it's a lot better than it was originally. My speech on the other hand, is still messed up. I don't remember it was like that the first time, so I'm just kind of having to put up with it, and hope like hell it will get better.

Change of topic: I've spent the last couple of weeks getting paperwork from all over town. Upside, I can actually read what I'm picking up. Downside, there is a LOT of stuff missing. But missing or not, I've finally started calling important people, to attempt to sort out the crap of the last couple of years. One can hope.

But this is a long enough post now, because I'm freezing and hungry. I was basically checking in, so that the people who are still reading my blog, can get a note saying I'm getting better, slowly.

:)

I'm still not dead.

Getting knocked down with cancer and brain surgery and not being able to read has definitely made it cut down the amount I write on my blog. That's kind of depressing, now that I'm thinking about it.

I finished the first round of chemo and radiation yesterday, and I guess I was expecting to wake up this morning, feeling just fabulous, and instead when I woke up, all I wanted to do was sleep...and then possibly sleep some more. Knowing that things may never get back to 'normal',to have it smacked in the face aren't exactly the same. So I'm tired, and still feels like shit. Yippy, right?

I can sort of read again now, about a thousand percent more than I could when I came home, at any rate. But what used to be enjoyable, and something I liked to do, now is just tedious and requires so much effort, that I don't even want to, most of the time.

I still have nightmares, and a lot of thing still hurts, even though I don't spend a lot of time telling that to anyone. There isn't really a point, because I keep getting the impression that this might just be the way my life is going to be now.

The truth is that I spend a lot of time crying, when there isn't anyone around to see. I have huge amounts of depression, and would just give up and stop doing anything at all, expect that everyones well-meaning concern. There are so many people who are just so *concerned* about how I'm doing, and how I'm feeling, and want to help, that even if I wanted to go and take a break for a while, and deal with stuff in my own way, they would all be upset, or offended, and the fallout wouldn't be worth it.

So I smile, and I do all the things everyone expects me to do, because it takes less energy than hiding out.

The "me" that I used to be, it's not even in here anymore. Maybe I felt this way the first time I was recovering, but I don't remember how that went. I don't really remember a whole lot about any of it, until I was recovered and felt fine and normal.

And I know that that it's only been three months, and that tumor was a lot bigger this time, and I should expect to have more problems, and I need to be patient, and things will get better. I *KNOW* this. But it's *my* life, and every day that what used to be normal, still doesn't improve, I get a little more pessimistic, and want to just give up.

I wouldn't blame people, the ones who have always read my blog, stopped following it. Pretty much all it's been for the last several months has been whining and complaining about my life, and feeling sorry for myself. I don't have any idea how much longer that's going to be this way.

I wish I knew how long *I* was going to be like this.

I'm home?

To it's been a long while, well maybe not so long, about three weeks, since I came home from my brain surgery. Things....didn't go the way everyone expected.

As I sit here typing, I cannot read. I also can't write anything with a pen. The reason that I type, is because some type of memory typing lets me do this.

The truth be told, I feel defeated, about pretty much everything most of the time. I go through each day more or less faking it, as though I'm alright. Well, I do until I fall apart, and then I cry. I can't even come up with the actual words I want, because I can't correctly spell them.

For all intents and purposes, I might as well be blind, only I can see. And it hurts me. I go to sleep, and I keep hoping that I will wake up, and I will be fine in the morning, but it keeps not hopening.

I have all these walkers and a canes and my balance is all screwballed, and I'm so fucking sleeping all the time, no matter what I do, and I just want to be DONE already.

I was supposed to go up there, and they were supposed to fix me, and I could come home, and go back to school, and everything would be normal again...and then now? This? This is not me...I'm not me anymore. And I hate it. I can't do anything for myself, and I hate it.

I think about lawsuits and chemo and radiation and still being sick for god only knows for you long, and a lot of the time I just want to give up utterly. I'm told that's all perfectly normal...yay. Which is kind of depression too.

This is probably not making sense anymore, because I kind of lost my train of thought...so I'll stop now...I just had to say SOMETHING, so that I could remind myself that I'm still in here, that I'm still me, even if it didn't seem that all the time...maybe I can't get my worlds out while I'm speaking, and maybe I can't use a pen....but maybe, eventually, I'll be able to be me again...if only still here....

where are all the updates lately? Its been a month!

Hey Anonymous, that's a fair question, so I figured that one deserved an honest answer. I've been somewhat busy for the last month, and I'll continue to be pretty busy for a while. Although "busy" is somewhat misleading. I've been asleep a good portion of the last couple of weeks, and before that, I was running back and forth to UCSF medical center, to see an oncologist, and my neurosurgeon. In May, I'll be back up there for a while, getting another open craniotomy, so they can remove another tumor from my brain. This one's quite a bit bigger than my original one, and there's talk about chemotherapy and radiation and all kinds of other fun things, including experimental treatment afterward, which *should* prevent another one from returning a third time, or so we all hope.

But that would by why there haven't been any postings, or any updates. When I got hope, I've been withdrawing from school, seeing some other doctors here, and then sleeping...a lot. To a certain amount it was just knowing what was going to be coming, and that sort of thing, and the rest is that the headaches have been getting worse, and it's been keeping me asleep more than awake. I get tired incredibly easily, and somewhat brain-foggy recently.

I know more this time, about how things will go when I wake up after surgery, so I'm keeping a journal, to tell me who I am, and to tell me the people I care about. Because I know they'll be working in the same region, it's a good chance, they'll erase the last six years, the same way they erased my earlier memories. Seemed prudent to give myself something to work with, when I wake up.

So, there you go, this is what's been going on with me...what's been going on with the rest of the Internet who follow my blog?

I'm not really driving a lot these days. I still have my license...I even changed my car insurance recently, for the first time in many many moons. But my car? It sits sad and lonely and unused. I don't really trust myself to drive it, so I don't. Every day, I think "maybe tomorrow", and then I lay down, and listen somewhat mindlessly to whatever plays on the television, or just go back to sleep without even trying to focus on a show or a film.

When I go somewhere, to a doctor's appointment, to a store, just to see a friend...someone else takes me, and my balance is so off that I'm using my cane nine times out of ten even just to walk from the door to the car. Even inside of the house, it's actually more safe to use it than not. It feels like the world is falling apart around me, which is somewhat frustrating.

I'm losing my words. Words were my life, the ability to string them together into phrases people liked to read, I was proud of that. And sometimes these days, I don't even make sense to myself...much less anybody else. All the notebooks in the world won't do me any good if I can't remember what I want to say, or how to write it down in a way that will make sense to the people around me.

Maybe it's stress. Maybe I've finally just hit the point of being so completely burned out that I need to just crawl into my little cave, and relax for a while, with no pressure on me. Maybe that's all it is. But somehow I doubt it. I've been down this road before. The mood swings, the headaches, the loss of speech, and the seizures. I know what all of those things are, and what they mean. And the truth is, I *am* tired. I've been tired. And I've been under so much strain that it's unbelievable, for so long that I really can't remember when I *haven't* been trying to keep it all together.

I can actually, vaguely, see an end in sight, to needing to hold it all together. And that might actually give me a sense of relief, and the ability to just sit down, and relax, and let it all go, and be taken care of for a while. That hasn't happened in a very, very long time. And that might be what I need.

I can't breathe, and I mean that in a very literal way. I've been having panic attacks, probably 15-50 times a day, that feels like I can't breathe, and I have to concentrate on unlocking my chest and relaxing all of those muscles, or I feel like I'm suffocating. I have pills for anxiety, but I can't really take them all day, every day, or I'd be more comatose than I already am.

So my solution to most of this was to start writing again, to get the fear out of my mind, and down somewhere else, so that I stop dwelling constantly on it. I learned that a long time ago, at least I'll have it out of my head. I'm taking all the steps I *can* take to handle all the rest, and that's as good as I can make it

I have people here, around me, who love me, and who are willing to take care of me if I need that. Who help me, and who understand me. I'm lucky about that.

Cravings, Desires, Fascination

You're always going to want what you don't have, right? And what do you crave? Well, it's kind of a self-fulfilling problem...a craving is something that as soon as you get, you won't want anymore. Because that's what a craving *is*. Something you don't have, something you want...something you desire desperately with your entire being until you have it. And then you move on to the next thing that you crave, because that's just how people are.

And that's kind of depressing to think about, because it would be so much more enjoyable for life, if you could go through it not craving things, but by choosing what you were fascinated by, and enjoying them. To look at things, and instead of craving them, to just become enraptured by them, and to love them, and focus on each part of the thing or person that you find interesting for their own merits.

If we stopped to smell the roses, so to speak, and really look at what we had around us, instead of just craving momentarily what we wanted, we would appreciated things and people more, instead of getting bored with everything about our lives, all the time.

Our disposable society that we've created, and the broken homes that are resulting from it is very sad, and I'm glad I had to stop, and consciously look around myself to see what I have, what I see, instead of just what I momentarily want...what I craved.

Evidently, I might be somewhat tacky, who knew?

As it turns out, I was actually talking about gift registries, or when it's appropriate to use them. Did you know that there are actually occasions that you'd be looked down on for registering for gifts? I'm pretty sure everyone knows the standard ones, sprogging, weddings, a new home.

But think about it: these days, most couples live together for quite a while before they get married. Just how many multiple toasters does a couple *really* need? Same deal for a new home. Most people who are moving into a new house pretty much have the majority of the things that they're going to need, and even if they don't, they're not going to have their friends ponying up for the new refrigerator that they're going to need. They're going to get a really nice bottle of wine, or some dishes, maybe. Which they probably already had, or possibly if they're combining a household, they've now got *three* of.

No, what people actually need, are gift registries for the newly divorced, who's moving into his/her new place, and now doesn't have any pots, pans, forks, knives, nothing of the basics. Much less any towels or anything else if it was really bad. *This* would be a much more practical housewarming party for a gift registry request, because honey, these people actually *need* some of those presents.

But nobody can ask for them. Because it'd be a social gaffe, and they're labeled as being grabby, and tacky for asking for presents. Now a new mother is inundated with gifts, and so will a bride...but a divorcee, who might actually *need* a toaster? She's shit out of luck, nor can she post a registry in her housewarming invite.

You know what? I say to hell with that. If you can beg for money and presents because you can shoot a fuck trophy out, to get presents, and you can add a line in your invitation for people to show up and watch you saunter down a rose petaled aisle, whilst begging for money and presents...why shouldn't a line be added asking for actual useful things if you've ended up having to rebuild your life after a shitty divorce? Or if you never got married, but you're out on your own, and moving into a new place, and don't have anything but hand-me-down stuff? Why the hell not? You deserve to celebrate being an adult, even if you need to ask to help acquire all the cool grown-up toys. Some of that stuff costs money :P

Just sayin'

Isn't jealousy a bitch?

So I was scanning some Facebook pages (yes, I know, a timewaster if there ever was one), and I noticed that somebody left a comment on a friend of mine's page, bitching that she'd had a glass of wine, and that she was jealous, because she didn't get to have alcohol.

And I laughed. And then I laughed some more...that's somewhere in the vicinity of me complaining about the fact that I don't "get" to drink...which technically, I don't, and shouldn't...of course, by the same token, I have enough prescription medication available to me at any given time to sink the Titanic, if I really wanted to be loaded to the gills, I probably could be.

And what I had to laugh about the most, is that the person who was doing the whining? Is more than 8 months pregnant, and still *takes* the same kind of narcotic medications that I'm currently on...and she smokes...and has, or at least had, a coffee addiction that was kind of scary. Now, granted, I have no idea if the coffee thing still holds true, but there are photos that are still online that shows she kept smoking, and kept using those narcotics for pain in spite of sprogging.

So, seriously...jealous, because my friend who had her single glass of wine? She had her baby four and a half months ago...he's nauseatingly healthy as a horse, and while it sucked to be her, she didn't do anything at all that could have resembled "fun" while she was carrying him.

*rolls eyes*

Yeah, I don't know..maybe there really should be some kind of test you have to pass to be allowed to get pregnant/have kids. It might at least slow down the stupidity factor of "but it's the cool thing to do" when it comes to procreation...especially if people are going to keep living a lifestyle that isn't even vaguely practical where children are concerned.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not the epitome of perfection on kids. Which is why I don't have one, nor am I currently spawning. I know I don't have the financial resources for an infant. Midnight feedings, diapers, all those sorts of things don't sound like a blast to me, and that's as it should be at the moment. Because I actually thought about it. I didn't look at my bestest friends all around me who were having kids, and decided I want to join the bandwagon, because I was jealous that everybody else had one.

The trouble with babies is that they're cute. They're cuddly. But you *can't return them*. Once you're done snuggling them, then you have to feed them, change them, clothe them, and actually pay attention to them...for like the next 12 years. After that, they want to ignore you, so it's pretty even-handed, so it's not as hard, but you can't just stick one in its bedroom, and expect to only play with it when you want to. It's not like a pet, where if you're annoyed, you can stick it in the other room until you let it out again.

All the people who coo at cats or dogs or whatever, and go "oh, I'm such a good parent to my animals" doesn't mean you're going to be a fabulous parent. I'm great with my cat...because when I'm fed up with his caterwauling, I can lock him in a bathroom, until he shuts up. I can't exactly do that with a toddler. It'd be cruel, AND illegal.

The cat isn't going to want to play with your video games, your computer, take your books and tear them apart, and color on them. The cat's not going to demand equal time for your attention, because he *can't*...but a child does require that attention, and if you don't give it to him, then you're going to have a psychologically dysfunctional child. There's no one to make up the household rules except yourselves, and no one to enforce discipline, except you. And if you fail it? Then it's all on you. You're the entire responsible party, for another human being.

And it was a choice that you signed up for, for the next twenty years. Is it sounding like fun yet? *You* have to teach that child right from wrong, and how to be a good person. Are you enough of an adult yourself to be able to do that? Are you a mature adult yourself, enough so, to parent another? Do you have the important answers to questions that he'll ask you, the ones that you still ask other people, because you don't know how to handle?

Because, quick, suddenly, *YOU* are going to be "that person"...the go-to-for-everything person...and if you screw it up, then what?

All this because it was the 'in thing' to do...Yeah, I think I'll keep my cat, and play some X-box, or maybe have a movie marathon...for the next two to five years. Then maybe I'll be ready to have a kid...when I'm financially and emotionally ready. Not when it was the "cool thing" to do. Not when I was still doing a balancing act on too many medications...and not when I was looking at other people and having to be jealous because somebody had a glass of wine that I didn't...

The Hallmark Holiday

Happy Valentines Day.

Or, as Vix puts it: Happy Singles Awareness Day....so what's everyone doing today, on the yearly Hallmark greeting card festival holiday bonanzy? Cards? Flowers? Chocolates? Anything else interesting? Spending the day in bed, or watching movies with a partner?

Or are you plotting ways to make others miserable, because they're happy?

Meh, for myself, I'm fairly sure my partner isn't even aware there *is* a holiday going on...nothing new there...so I'm doing homework. The joy, the rapture, right?

But for everything else, if you're in a relationship, I hope you're having a good day with your significant other, and if you're single, I hope you're having a good time doing whatever it is that you want to be doing.

Happy Valentines Day.

how to get to sleep

GOING TO BED EARLY EVERYDAY IS IMPORTANT
Do you always stay up late watching that late night show? Do you always find yourself distracted by different activities all night? Always end up staying up late again because you want to watch that show for another 30 minutes? In this page, I am going to tell you many great tips on how to go to sleep earlier.

SET A TIME THAT YOU WANT TO GO TO BED FIRST
Feel tired at work and fell asleep because you always stay up so late at night watching a TV show or playing a computer game? First, ask yourself what time do you want to go to bed.

STOP THE ACTIVITIES THAT WILL DISTRACT YOU TO STAY UP LATE AT NIGHT
The most important tip for going to bed early is to close off activities that will distract you into staying up late. Be precise and strict about your bed time and stop the distracting activities one hour before bed time. It can be television shows, video games, you name it.

RELAX YOURSELF
Relax yourself by going out and taking a walk around the neighborhood every evening. This will make you feel sleepy at night. If your goal is to go to bed at 1:00 AM every night, then during the whole length of your walking session just keep on repeating to yourself, "I am in control of my own life. I refuse to let temptations take control of my life." Then you say, "I am the one that in control of what time I go to bed. I refuse to let temptations take control of what time I go to bed. I am going to wind down my day early and finish up everything that takes time at 12:00 A.M. daily, so I can go to bed early ." Then you say, "I will prepare to close off the the activity that will distract me at at 12:00 AM everyday." After that, you can say, "I can go to bed at 1:00 AM everyday." keep on repeating these sentences. Then you should feel more motivated to head to bed at 1:00 AM everyday.

DO NOT PROCRASTINATE
Starting this moment don't procrastinate anymore. Set a timer for when you want to shut off the distracting activities at night. When the watch timer beeps, then no more 30 minutes of TV or computer etc... When the watch timer beeps take it seriously and stop whatever you are doing. It doesn't matter how tempting it is, just shut off any activities that will distract you from going to bed early at night. This is very important because it is your answer to getting to bed early.

JUST DO IT
First, you need to set the watch timer to remind yourself to go to bed. If you plan to go to bed at 12:00 A.M. then you need to set the timer to go off at 11:00 P.M. Once the watch timer beeps then shut down all the distracting activities and just go wind down your day. Do a wind down ritual daily so that you know it is bed time when you do it. It is also important to set the alarm clock to wake up at the same time daily. Set a goal time to wake up and still have 7 - 8 hours of sleep daily. This will get you into a good and healthy daily life cycle. Apply the "just do it" slogan from the Nike commercial. When the watch timer beeps just go wind down your day. It is hard for many people to go to bed on time. This is why "just do it" is important.

FINISH YOUR DAY EARLY SO YOU CAN GO TO BED EARLY
Finish the important things that might take a lot of time early so that you can wind down earlier. Don't procrastinate the important things or else you will end up going to bed late again. Also, finish washing your body and brushing your teeth as early as possible. This way, you can go to bed right away when you want to.
IF YOU CAN'T IMPROVE FAST THEN TAKE IT SLOW
If it's hard for you to suddenly go to bed one hour earlier then just take it slow. Apply the gradual improve method. To do so, go to bed 30 minutes earlier for let's say 3 days consecutively. After you successfully achieve it, then move another 30 minutes earlier until you reach the goal.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
Apply the believing method. When you believe, you can later transform to knowing that it is easy to go to bed early. It is hard at first, but the more you believe in yourself the more this method is going to work. You will actually convince yourself that going to bed early is a simple. Then it will feel much easier to actually apply the tips on how to go to bed early. Eventually, you will be able to go to bed early everyday.

YOU CAN DO IT IF YOU WANT TO DO IT
You know it better than anyone else, that only you can tell yourself to go to bed early. If you want to do it then you can do it. Actually, it's pretty much all in your mind. It's either the distractions take control of you or you take control of your life. It is about you taking action and just going to bed early. Prepare to close off any activity that will distract you at 11 P.M. Only you are able to do it. Starting now, take control of your own life, and turn off that computer when it's 11 P.M., then success shall come to you. You have to be the one that takes charge of your own life. Don't let temptations get the best of you. Ask yourself, do you want to take charge of your life, or do you want the temptations take control of you? The answer is obvious isn't it? If you are able to overcome the temptations, then you will achieve going to bed early everyday. You can do it if you start to take charge of your life. Defeat the distractions at night, and start to take control of your own life now.

REWARD YOURSELF
Once you are doing great and are able to go to bed early whenever you want, then go ahead and reward yourself for the hard work you put in. Go buy your favorite movies, or drinks, or something you love.

IN CONCLUSION
Many people find going to bed early is difficult because of so many distractions like late night TV shows, addicting video games, and internet surfing. When people stay up late the main reason is because they can't resist the temptations for that another 30 minutes. It is important that you resist this temptation. Also, don't procrastinate and get the important things done first. It is essential that you start winding down your day and finish up all your rituals early so that you can go to bed early. Believing that you can go to bed early, and by taking charge of your own life will later lead you to knowing that it was easy to accomplish, and then you will realize that going to bed early isn't that hard after all.

When it rains, it pours, right?

My head is throbbing, so if this isn't as coherent as it might otherwise be, then I do apologize my dear readers, in advance. Right now, my Xbox is currently broken, although as it turns out, it actually is still under warranty (for which I am incredibly grateful since I don't have any available funds with which I would have been able to fix it), so as soon as I figure out a box and padding, I'll be using the pre-paid label to ship it off to be fixed. My television lamp appears to also be going out, and replacing one of those is a couple/three hundred dollars as well, and I don't actually know how to install one of them, although I'm *hoping* it's not overly complicated, providing of course that I can figure out how to get the money to replace it at all if/when it goes out.

Things like this is what caused the 'if it rains, it pours' title of this post. Trying to keep things together around here is kind of like plugging up a series of leaks, and every time I manage to get one fixed, another one seems to spring up somewhere else.

And I'm growing more and more tired, trying to keep all the balls in the air. I honestly am unsure if I can afford to for very much longer, before I simply give up. I realize that giving up isn't really an option, but that's how I feel right now.

I dropped a class at school, because I wouldn't have been able to actually manage the work load, and I wouldn't have been able to do the observation hours that was required, in an on campus/daycare setting. There is too much exposure to germs and whatnot to make that practical, and I was under the impression I was going to be able to get the observational hours with children/teens I knew, through homeschooled children or babies not in a daycare setting, and I found out after the class started that the teacher wasn't willing to allow that, and so I had to drop the course.

The other classes are going well, and I enjoy my philosophy class, even though it makes my head spins sometimes, because I have a bit of trouble with the there-and-back-and-forth concepts that philosophy involves.

Abnormal Psychology is, predictably, a blast, the actual reading and work to understand it involved.

And the other class is my English Lit class, which is based on J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings trilogy, and studying the books themselves is also a lot of fun. A teacher who has studied this so in-depth is really interesting.

My doctors are playing musical medications with me as guinea-pig again, which is making my head ache, and my body pretty much hate me, but that's not really anything new, so I won't bother to detail any of that out, aside from noting that I have to go in for an EEG sometime this month. The joy, the rapture, the adventure.

And now, I'm going to go and read for a while, since obviously I won't be watching a lot of movies or television for a while, during the 'attempting to get things funded and fixed' on my electronics front.

Bye, internets.

Human...bed warmers?

So in London, and Manchester, at the Holiday Inn if you're looking to get a good night's sleep, all you need to do is give a ring down to the front desk and let someone know that you want them to fire up ye old bedwarmer - that is, you want to have a human crawl into the bed and curl up so that the bed can be toasty when you crawl in.

Not to knock the Brit's newest, uh, invention? But I'm not sure that I want to have some stranger crawling around in my hotel room bed, and making it warm...wouldn't an electric mattress pad, or a hot water bottle, something a little more sanitary maybe work better? I dunno. But I can't knock their lack of ingenuity.