When it rains, it pours, right?

My head is throbbing, so if this isn't as coherent as it might otherwise be, then I do apologize my dear readers, in advance. Right now, my Xbox is currently broken, although as it turns out, it actually is still under warranty (for which I am incredibly grateful since I don't have any available funds with which I would have been able to fix it), so as soon as I figure out a box and padding, I'll be using the pre-paid label to ship it off to be fixed. My television lamp appears to also be going out, and replacing one of those is a couple/three hundred dollars as well, and I don't actually know how to install one of them, although I'm *hoping* it's not overly complicated, providing of course that I can figure out how to get the money to replace it at all if/when it goes out.

Things like this is what caused the 'if it rains, it pours' title of this post. Trying to keep things together around here is kind of like plugging up a series of leaks, and every time I manage to get one fixed, another one seems to spring up somewhere else.

And I'm growing more and more tired, trying to keep all the balls in the air. I honestly am unsure if I can afford to for very much longer, before I simply give up. I realize that giving up isn't really an option, but that's how I feel right now.

I dropped a class at school, because I wouldn't have been able to actually manage the work load, and I wouldn't have been able to do the observation hours that was required, in an on campus/daycare setting. There is too much exposure to germs and whatnot to make that practical, and I was under the impression I was going to be able to get the observational hours with children/teens I knew, through homeschooled children or babies not in a daycare setting, and I found out after the class started that the teacher wasn't willing to allow that, and so I had to drop the course.

The other classes are going well, and I enjoy my philosophy class, even though it makes my head spins sometimes, because I have a bit of trouble with the there-and-back-and-forth concepts that philosophy involves.

Abnormal Psychology is, predictably, a blast, the actual reading and work to understand it involved.

And the other class is my English Lit class, which is based on J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings trilogy, and studying the books themselves is also a lot of fun. A teacher who has studied this so in-depth is really interesting.

My doctors are playing musical medications with me as guinea-pig again, which is making my head ache, and my body pretty much hate me, but that's not really anything new, so I won't bother to detail any of that out, aside from noting that I have to go in for an EEG sometime this month. The joy, the rapture, the adventure.

And now, I'm going to go and read for a while, since obviously I won't be watching a lot of movies or television for a while, during the 'attempting to get things funded and fixed' on my electronics front.

Bye, internets.

bitterness and melancholy

"What happened to getting some loyalty?" "What happened to family?" "Why doesn't anyone ever help me?" "What did I do to deserve the way people treat me?"

You'll have to excuse me for a bit, while I throw things, or possibly punch a few things, or maybe even bitch-slap a couple of people. The aforementioned statements are all things I've seen up as various status messages over the last few weeks. And as the days slowly plod by into weeks, and I get more and more irritated, watching, my bullshit tolerance keeps getting lower and lower. And to be perfectly frank, it wasn't very high to begin with.

Gods above, I am sick to death of people. Of walking around with my cheery fucking disposition, propping up other people and trying to make *them* feel better about their so-called difficulties. I can think of a grand total of two people who well and truly deserve sympathy and respect for the troubles they've been through recently, and who I have no bitterness for the words that I expressed, because they didn't do a damned thing at all to either cause or compound their own damned problems. It's delightful, and depressing, simultaneously. And it makes me *want* to help, even though I can't.

And it's funny, because right now? By the first of August, the odds are pretty damned high that my world is going to collapse around my ears, and there's not a whole lot I can do to stop it. And I'm scrambling in spite of it, to try and save myself, simply because that's what I do. Because I don't expect that some mysterious solution is going to fucking appear in front of me, and save me at the last minute, and it will work out for another little while. Because *my* life never seems to work like that. I don't have family members who conveniently have a thousand dollars laying around who can help me fix my car. They don't have money to give me to pay my rent because I was an idiot who loaned out funds to someone who couldn't be bothered to pay it back, and went on vacation instead. Yes, that's right. *I* was a moron, and I got screwed. My mistake, and I'm paying the price, in spades. I wasn't expecting to need to get the car worked on. I wasn't expecting to have a few other things go wrong, that cost more money than I was expecting to have to pay out, and as a result, I'm probably going to have trouble making the rent, in August. So now I'm scrambling. And I'm not entirely sure what I'll do. It'll end up being either the rent, or the car, because the car's not going to hold out for much longer, and I know it.

And yes, there are solutions, and yes, I will most likely find them. And I'm frustrated, and I'm angry, at myself, not at everybody else under the Moon, because it was my own stupidity that got me into this fix, and I know it. That doesn't make me less angry, it simply makes it what it is.

But what's making me disgusted most at the entire world these days, is listening, day in and day out, to everyone else making excuses, for everything and everybody, except themselves. If *I* can face up to the fact that I landed myself into a mess, and have to pull myself out of it, because money doesn't grow on trees, and on gods damned butterfly wings, and it doesn't fall from the sky, and jobs don't just sprout up conveniently and they aren't tailor-made just because you want them or need them to be, I want to know why it is, that other people can't do the same thing?

I spent the last 24 hours job-hunting. And while I have skills, actual decent skills at that, but am somewhat screwed out of most of my regular skills being off-set by the fact that answering the phone is questionable since my speech can give out at any time, and that's a serious impediment to any receptionist/clerical job on the planet, and I can't take a standard fast-food style job due to the whole 'standing' bit, that rules out a *lot* of jobs. And yet? I managed to find a half-dozen things that I can submit resumes *in my field*, once I work over a resume. They're not as high-paying as I might like. They're not fabulous. They're not the hours I would like. But they're jobs, they're available, they're hiring, and they'd provide a paycheck. And it'd get my foot in a door I might not otherwise manage. And it'd be *right now* if I could manage it, not in a few months, which is what I've got lined up right now, and isn't soon enough.

And yes, it'll screw me down the line, for the job I've got lined up. It'll screw up my school, among other things. But unless someone is going to miraculously drop money from the sky between now and August to bail me out, which I somehow doubt, I'll do what I have to do, because that's how real life works. At least, it is in my world.

It's not always sunshine and roses and poetry. Sometimes it's dirty, and it's miserable, and it's ugly. Because that's how it goes. It's doing what has to be done, to keep existing, until you can actually start living again.