At the end, it doesn't matter anymore, who did what to whom. The petty insecurities that tied me into knots have long since unraveled, and the gashes that were left across my heart have healed. They're tender yet, I've left off trying to pretend, even to myself, that they're not. I'd be doing myself a disservice to try and believe that I can be anything other than who and what I am, now.
Memory is a strange and wondrous thing, it gives the ability to start healing a wound, given enough time, and enough distance. Close proximity would have made it impossible, a fact which I couldn't actually grasp then. I'm only barely grasping it now, and that's only possible because now when I look at the circumstances, and at the memory, when I take it out of the box, I don't have a burning desire to be back in that place, and relive it. I don't want it anymore. It still hurts, yes, but not the screaming, blasting pain that it was. I'm not certain the dull ache will ever completely leave.
I can live with that. And some of the good memories remain, and that's enough. I can open the memory box, look, smile, and put it away. And move forward.
When the present finally started being something I embraced, instead of something I only tolerated because I had to get through the day was when I realized that I was healing, instead of surviving. I was no longer a victim of some invisible war with myself. And it felt good, to feel that, to know it. There are people who helped me get to this point, and I've thanked them, and will continue to draw on that support, because without them I wouldn't have made it, and I know that.
I'm not as strong as I thought I was. As strong as I'd always believed myself to be. And I am strong. The basic components that make me, me, are still intact, in spite of the damage, and having felt like I went through an emotional holocaust. I hope never to feel that way again, but I'm very much aware of the reality of life. That it might happen again.
With accepting new possibilities comes risk. Those risks are what make available the opportunity for the potential for such unimaginable reward. And to a certain extent I crave that. I miss the feeling of closeness with someone, of being held, and comforted and understood. Am I in a hurry to the possibility of pain? Of course not. But the companionship of that simple connection is what I missed most when my world exploded.
It wasn't the sex, it was the simple, easy connection of being understood and understanding someone who was my friend. Someone to while away the time doing mindless things, discussing random knowledge, and exchanging ideas. I *miss* that. And I cut myself off so completely from everyone, because I was too afraid to let anyone close, afterward. It hurt too much, and I was simply too scared.
The fear has receded. And finding myself again, albeit slowly, is beginning to make me like myself again. I feel as though the blades that went through my heart are clean, now, and only the scars remain.
And I know well, that even scars can become invisible given enough time. I've made a conscious effort recently to go out, to meet people, to try new things. To let others in, and explore myself more. Much the same way I attempted to explore myself when things ended with Danny and I, I'm cautiously finding my footing again.
It feels...I won't say good, but I will say better, to be me again. I like feeling this way.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Painful possibilities - Polyamory
I'm going to preface this entire blog with: For those of you who either don't know, or are going to gasp in abject horror now? Skip the lectures, the sanctimonious glaring, or the judgments. If you don't know what "polyamory" is, go check it out. If the entire idea here freaks you out completely? Just stop reading now, and pretend you didn't see any of it, and go on about your business.
For me, *this link* is going to be the more helpful piece of information, and the one I'll be referring back to, while I'm writing. So I'm still walking along the path of 'what if' and possibilities. Practical and impractical conclusions, and the random things that dart around in my brain during the day and more often in the middle of the night, when I can't sleep, and can't make the spinning stop.
Which leads me, once again, to here. I can see how this world is appealing, especially as it's the path I've traveled before and was reasonably happy there. When I was younger, without understanding exactly what I was doing, I now grasp that what I was, and how I behaved, was polyamorous. And I was happy. The way I love, how I love, is based on being happy for myself, and a distinct lack of jealousy, because what I ultimately tend to want? Is to have the people I love the most, be happy. Something in me is hardwired in such a way as to be able to share, and look at my partner be happy, and as long as I'm also loved, I am still happy and content.
The trouble, right now, that I'm having with everything that's going on inside of me, inside my head, is that I'm single. And from what I grasp, what I understand, about me, about polyamory, about things in general, is that in the long run if I were to get involved with anyone right now that isn't also completely single in the way that I am?
Someone might get hurt. Several of my friends have been wounded recently, because people they care for, have found 'primary partners', and they've been left behind. And I sit, and I watch, and it leads me to give grave consideration now, to what it really means, to become entrenched into that world, as a single woman, being mixed in as a secondary partner. Yes, my feelings would be what they would be. That is true, on all levels. I have no doubt of that.
But I also know, that in some way, at some point, were I to meet, and develop feelings for someone who is 'single' in the technical sense? What would happen then? Would I also be left having to make a choice, to become part of a core relationship? And does that then put the same types of rules and restrictions on me, that are on some of the other already partnered people? I understand that to maintain your core relationship, your base loyalty is to that partner. That makes perfect sense to me. The core remains strong, to nurture, and you branch out from there.
Except, I have no core relationship. I am, and will continue to be, a secondary to anyone I become involved with. Which, for right now, is fine, and precisely what I want. But somewhere down the road, that might not be the case, and I don't like damaging people. I don't like seeing the pain in the eyes of people I care about, and knowing that I put that pain there. And in order to develop something more, something deeper, who ultimately would my loyalty be to?
I don't know. And I wish that I did know, because that would be easier for me. I can see both sides of the coin. Because of my ultimate views on marriage, I'm not in any fashion in a hurry to settle down.
I feel...conflicted. Confused, and twisted up inside. The easy solution here, would be to simply go, and continue dating in the monogamous world, except that isn't really an answer for me either. I tried that, and it backfired, and failed utterly. I was unhappy, and kept searching for something that wasn't there, and it's the emotional ties that I kept forming, that made me feel as though I was constantly cheating that tell me this choice is correct.
I seem to be going around and around in a circle. There's no easy answer for me, and not really anyone I can just sit down and say "please, give me the solution". I want there to be.
I want it to be easy. I wish I could be less complicated, and just fall in love, and want to get married and have babies, and do all the things that everyone always wanted me to do. But that isn't me. And now, here I am. Still confused, and alone, and not sure which way to turn, and which way to walk, or how to find my way.
And that hurts, and it's difficult.
For me, *this link* is going to be the more helpful piece of information, and the one I'll be referring back to, while I'm writing. So I'm still walking along the path of 'what if' and possibilities. Practical and impractical conclusions, and the random things that dart around in my brain during the day and more often in the middle of the night, when I can't sleep, and can't make the spinning stop.
Which leads me, once again, to here. I can see how this world is appealing, especially as it's the path I've traveled before and was reasonably happy there. When I was younger, without understanding exactly what I was doing, I now grasp that what I was, and how I behaved, was polyamorous. And I was happy. The way I love, how I love, is based on being happy for myself, and a distinct lack of jealousy, because what I ultimately tend to want? Is to have the people I love the most, be happy. Something in me is hardwired in such a way as to be able to share, and look at my partner be happy, and as long as I'm also loved, I am still happy and content.
The trouble, right now, that I'm having with everything that's going on inside of me, inside my head, is that I'm single. And from what I grasp, what I understand, about me, about polyamory, about things in general, is that in the long run if I were to get involved with anyone right now that isn't also completely single in the way that I am?
Someone might get hurt. Several of my friends have been wounded recently, because people they care for, have found 'primary partners', and they've been left behind. And I sit, and I watch, and it leads me to give grave consideration now, to what it really means, to become entrenched into that world, as a single woman, being mixed in as a secondary partner. Yes, my feelings would be what they would be. That is true, on all levels. I have no doubt of that.
But I also know, that in some way, at some point, were I to meet, and develop feelings for someone who is 'single' in the technical sense? What would happen then? Would I also be left having to make a choice, to become part of a core relationship? And does that then put the same types of rules and restrictions on me, that are on some of the other already partnered people? I understand that to maintain your core relationship, your base loyalty is to that partner. That makes perfect sense to me. The core remains strong, to nurture, and you branch out from there.
Except, I have no core relationship. I am, and will continue to be, a secondary to anyone I become involved with. Which, for right now, is fine, and precisely what I want. But somewhere down the road, that might not be the case, and I don't like damaging people. I don't like seeing the pain in the eyes of people I care about, and knowing that I put that pain there. And in order to develop something more, something deeper, who ultimately would my loyalty be to?
I don't know. And I wish that I did know, because that would be easier for me. I can see both sides of the coin. Because of my ultimate views on marriage, I'm not in any fashion in a hurry to settle down.
I feel...conflicted. Confused, and twisted up inside. The easy solution here, would be to simply go, and continue dating in the monogamous world, except that isn't really an answer for me either. I tried that, and it backfired, and failed utterly. I was unhappy, and kept searching for something that wasn't there, and it's the emotional ties that I kept forming, that made me feel as though I was constantly cheating that tell me this choice is correct.
I seem to be going around and around in a circle. There's no easy answer for me, and not really anyone I can just sit down and say "please, give me the solution". I want there to be.
I want it to be easy. I wish I could be less complicated, and just fall in love, and want to get married and have babies, and do all the things that everyone always wanted me to do. But that isn't me. And now, here I am. Still confused, and alone, and not sure which way to turn, and which way to walk, or how to find my way.
And that hurts, and it's difficult.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Cruelty
Controversy: my cruel streak could easily get out of hand, given that sort of leeway
I won't do that/risk that
And I do have one.
xxx: what sparks your cruel streak?
Controversy: I don't know
xxx: i think everybody does
Controversy: and I have no desire to find out
but having someone who *wants* to be placed in that position?
just...no
I know how very capable I am of decimating someone
I didn't like it
xxx: i think i sparked my wife's cruel streak - she treats me as though i should be a submissive
when did you decimate someone?
Controversy: it's been a long time
I'm not that person anymore
xxx: well, that's a good thing
xxx: <--- has no desire to be decimated by anyone
Controversy: most people don't
xxx: i prefer flight to fight - as a cancer, i tend to just crawl into my shell and not let anybody in
****
That was a conversation that I was having, and I was actually discussing quite a bit of other stuff, fairly in depth, but the excerpt was what caught my attention. Yes, I can be cruel. I *have* been cruel, in the past, and vindictive and spiteful. I'm human.
Am I proud of that? That there's a part of me that has that capability, to be cruel, and completely decimate someone's life? No, I'm not. That was living a life that I'm not anymore. But that knowledge is there, and the simple fact of that knowledge is enough to keep me off that ledge, even in a limited capacity. I do not like the way it feels, to cause that kind of pain.
I know that there are things about me that I can control, facets of my personality that I work on, to improve, to facilitate my day-to-day life, to continue being me. I know that there are some things that I simply have to deal with, such as my speech aphasia, and that are just the way that it is.
But the cruel streak? That isn't something I just had to accept. And I didn't. Violent tendencies were also not something that were just written off as 'oh well'. And there are ways to cope, behavioural modifications to cope, to handle, to direct into other channels.
I know I have flaws, I have mountains of them. I am self-aware enough to be conscious of at least some of them. And to have been working on, or have worked out, some of them. It's a process, an ongoing one. I'm never going to be perfect, but I'm a lot better now than I was a year ago. I'm great leaping mountains better than I was five years ago, and the person I am today isn't even recognizable as the person I was when I was a teenager.
And those were conscious choices, and I'm proud of that. And I worked hard to have earned that right, to be proud of myself, and who I have become. So when I say that I don't choose now to want to be cruel toward anyone, even accidentally? I understand my statement, and why. When I state that I don't like hurting people, physically or emotionally? I'm self-aware enough to grasp what I mean, and it's not a slip of the tongue.
I like harmony, I like being in control of myself. Certainly, I wish that I was made of rainbows and sugar and everything was all fluff and light. And that I didn't have demons to battle, and didn't need to make conscious choices, to keep those demons at bay. That would be wonderful. But the truth is, that I do. And because I know that? I will live my life, my way. And that way is to be happy, and be secure, and live and love the people I choose, and make them as safe and happy and loved as I can, because I *don't* want to see pain in their eyes, or in anyone else's, because of actions I chose.
And that is something I can control. What I do? That's within my grasp. My decisions, my actions, my choices. My responsibility, as far as it extends, to cause harm to no one. That keeps me at peace with myself.
I won't do that/risk that
And I do have one.
xxx: what sparks your cruel streak?
Controversy: I don't know
xxx: i think everybody does
Controversy: and I have no desire to find out
but having someone who *wants* to be placed in that position?
just...no
I know how very capable I am of decimating someone
I didn't like it
xxx: i think i sparked my wife's cruel streak - she treats me as though i should be a submissive
when did you decimate someone?
Controversy: it's been a long time
I'm not that person anymore
xxx: well, that's a good thing
xxx: <--- has no desire to be decimated by anyone
Controversy: most people don't
xxx: i prefer flight to fight - as a cancer, i tend to just crawl into my shell and not let anybody in
****
That was a conversation that I was having, and I was actually discussing quite a bit of other stuff, fairly in depth, but the excerpt was what caught my attention. Yes, I can be cruel. I *have* been cruel, in the past, and vindictive and spiteful. I'm human.
Am I proud of that? That there's a part of me that has that capability, to be cruel, and completely decimate someone's life? No, I'm not. That was living a life that I'm not anymore. But that knowledge is there, and the simple fact of that knowledge is enough to keep me off that ledge, even in a limited capacity. I do not like the way it feels, to cause that kind of pain.
I know that there are things about me that I can control, facets of my personality that I work on, to improve, to facilitate my day-to-day life, to continue being me. I know that there are some things that I simply have to deal with, such as my speech aphasia, and that are just the way that it is.
But the cruel streak? That isn't something I just had to accept. And I didn't. Violent tendencies were also not something that were just written off as 'oh well'. And there are ways to cope, behavioural modifications to cope, to handle, to direct into other channels.
I know I have flaws, I have mountains of them. I am self-aware enough to be conscious of at least some of them. And to have been working on, or have worked out, some of them. It's a process, an ongoing one. I'm never going to be perfect, but I'm a lot better now than I was a year ago. I'm great leaping mountains better than I was five years ago, and the person I am today isn't even recognizable as the person I was when I was a teenager.
And those were conscious choices, and I'm proud of that. And I worked hard to have earned that right, to be proud of myself, and who I have become. So when I say that I don't choose now to want to be cruel toward anyone, even accidentally? I understand my statement, and why. When I state that I don't like hurting people, physically or emotionally? I'm self-aware enough to grasp what I mean, and it's not a slip of the tongue.
I like harmony, I like being in control of myself. Certainly, I wish that I was made of rainbows and sugar and everything was all fluff and light. And that I didn't have demons to battle, and didn't need to make conscious choices, to keep those demons at bay. That would be wonderful. But the truth is, that I do. And because I know that? I will live my life, my way. And that way is to be happy, and be secure, and live and love the people I choose, and make them as safe and happy and loved as I can, because I *don't* want to see pain in their eyes, or in anyone else's, because of actions I chose.
And that is something I can control. What I do? That's within my grasp. My decisions, my actions, my choices. My responsibility, as far as it extends, to cause harm to no one. That keeps me at peace with myself.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Feel the power inside the black steel
Antec 900 Black Steel ATX Mid Tower computer Case
Asus P5Q Pro LGA 775 Intel P45 ATX Intel Motherboard
Intel Core 2 Duo E8500 Wolfdale 3.6 GHz LGA 775 65W Dual-Core Processor
Asus EN9800GTX+ DK/HTDI/512m GeForce 9800 GTX+ 512MB 256-bit GDDR3 PCI Express 2.0 x16 HDCP Ready SLI Supported Video Card
Antec Signature SG650 650W ATX12V/EPS12V SLI Certified CrossFire Ready 80 PLUS Certified Modular Active PFC Power Supply
OCZ Fatal1ty Edition 8 GB (4 X 2GB) 240-Pin DDR SDRAM DDR2 1066 (PS2 8500)
Arctic Cooling Freezer 7 Pro 92mm CPU cooler
Western Digital Caviar SE16 640GB 7200 RPM SATA 3.0Gb/s HD
MS Windows Vista Home Premium SP1 64-bit English for System Builders
Still sporting my trackball mouse, old keyboard, and my vent headset by Logitech, and my 17 inch Samsung LCD monitor, which I'm going to need to upgrade fairly soon.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Reminiscing
There are some things that you really shouldn't do while you're intoxicated. I realized that late last night, when I was doing a file cleanup on the Mac, and while it was doing that, I was poking around on my Adium program. For those of you who either aren't Mac users, or don't know what Adium is, it's a multi-chat program that allows you to run AIM/gtalk/Yahoo, etc, in one program, on the Mac. Sort of like Trillian or Pidgin. Just another one of those style programs. At any rate, I have it on the MacBook, and have had it installed since I first got the machine. I never really think about the fact that it's there, because it's something that's always been there.
What I also never really stopped to consider is the fact that Adium came with presets, presets I never actually *changed*. On my Pidgin account, I know what it is, and how to use it, and as a result, nothing is 'autologged' on that particular piece of software, because I *do* understand how to change out the settings. I never changed any of the Adium settings.
Last night I discovered that every conversation I ever had with everyone, while using my MacBook, was logged. From the day I got it, until I stopped using it as a daily computer. The only conversations that aren't logged on that machine, are the ones that I have on Yahoo when I'm using my webcam, because I have to use Yahoo independent of Adium for that, and that has it's own settings, and it's an entirely separate setup.
So I just sort of sat there last night, reading through old chat logs, and retrospect is one of those things that can be a good strong kick in the...well, it's certainly a kick somewhere. It's sort of like looking back through a mirror, and realizing that some of the things you really wanted to believe about someone just weren't true. And on the one hand, it sort of sucks, but on the other hand, it cements for you, in your own mind that you haven't made the wrong choices now?
It's just strange. I can read as far back as 2007, and it was puzzling in some ways, to see what I was thinking about, and the actions I was taking, and to realize that I was completely wrapped up in my own bubble, and truly couldn't see outside of it. Having a timeline of events is sort of creepy, but sort of good at the same time.
It also reminded me that to a certain extent, we all live in a world that we create based on our desires, and however we choose to pursue those desires, whether they're healthy for us or not? We're not going to stop, not going to pause, not going to give in, regardless of what people say, or do, or how they behave, until we are damn well good and ready *ourselves*, to stop in that pursuit. It doesn't seem to matter, not really, how the other person being pursued feels, and that has to suck, to be on the receiving end of. Especially when they come up against someone who can be obsessive and downright frightening.
Love is awesome. Wanting to show someone how much you care, that you want to shower them with love and affection and attention? That's all well and good. Wanting to help and nurture and build something is terrific. But that only works if both people feel the same way. And there are so many different ways to love people. Sometimes, the best way to love them, is to let them go if that's what they want. Sometimes it's to hold on, and fight for them, or with them. Because everyone needs something different. But it's not something that can be forced. And I don't believe it should be abandoned, because it is something precious.
A lot of people spend their entire lives searching for that perfect person, and never finding it or simply throw it away, because it didn't fit what they were looking for as 'perfection'. And if it wasn't perfect, they couldn't be bothered. Others seem to never find anyone, and spend their lives alone, and unhappy, thinking that there's a failing in them somehow, as they reject person after person, finding fault constantly in themselves because they believe they cannot measure up. They choose people who they will pursue relentlessly, in the hope that their perfect mates will make them whole, and perfect by extension.
And a lot of people spend their lives choosing people who are destined to injure them, to emotionally wound them, because the people they choose to love, simply can't love them back. They're toxic to them, and they choose emotionally unavailable people, because they feel as though they are unlovable, and don't really deserve to be loved, and instinctively choose partners who won't be able to give them what they need. It isn't that they don't have love to give, it's that they want to give too much, without knowing or understanding how to find someone with whom to lavish that love on, who will return it in kind, instead of bleeding it dry. I'm not sure if the emotionally unavailable people realize the damage they're doing, or if they are damaged in some way themselves. Perhaps they are the above people, looking for someone perfect to make them perfect by extension, and ending up with those who feel they are unlovable, that creates a cycle. I don't know.
I do know, that it makes for a horrible set of combinations. Love isn't supposed to be a battle, except perhaps in bed. It's supposed to be something cherished, freely given, received, and nurtured. Love as friendship, courtship, or romantically. Be it any of those things, they're still precious, and they still matter.
So I read the chat logs, and I sat and thought about it. You love who you love. You make decisions, and you run with them, and in retrospect, you gaze back, and sometimes you wonder what you were thinking, and why you might have done what you did. And sometimes you were right, and sometimes not. It doesn't change anything to dwell on it. It's good to understand yourself, and to contemplate how to not make the same set of mistakes again, and it's always good to consider how you ended up in a certain place walking on a path. And at the end of the day, you sigh, shake your head, and accept your decisions, and take responsibility for them and move toward the future.
What I also never really stopped to consider is the fact that Adium came with presets, presets I never actually *changed*. On my Pidgin account, I know what it is, and how to use it, and as a result, nothing is 'autologged' on that particular piece of software, because I *do* understand how to change out the settings. I never changed any of the Adium settings.
Last night I discovered that every conversation I ever had with everyone, while using my MacBook, was logged. From the day I got it, until I stopped using it as a daily computer. The only conversations that aren't logged on that machine, are the ones that I have on Yahoo when I'm using my webcam, because I have to use Yahoo independent of Adium for that, and that has it's own settings, and it's an entirely separate setup.
So I just sort of sat there last night, reading through old chat logs, and retrospect is one of those things that can be a good strong kick in the...well, it's certainly a kick somewhere. It's sort of like looking back through a mirror, and realizing that some of the things you really wanted to believe about someone just weren't true. And on the one hand, it sort of sucks, but on the other hand, it cements for you, in your own mind that you haven't made the wrong choices now?
It's just strange. I can read as far back as 2007, and it was puzzling in some ways, to see what I was thinking about, and the actions I was taking, and to realize that I was completely wrapped up in my own bubble, and truly couldn't see outside of it. Having a timeline of events is sort of creepy, but sort of good at the same time.
It also reminded me that to a certain extent, we all live in a world that we create based on our desires, and however we choose to pursue those desires, whether they're healthy for us or not? We're not going to stop, not going to pause, not going to give in, regardless of what people say, or do, or how they behave, until we are damn well good and ready *ourselves*, to stop in that pursuit. It doesn't seem to matter, not really, how the other person being pursued feels, and that has to suck, to be on the receiving end of. Especially when they come up against someone who can be obsessive and downright frightening.
Love is awesome. Wanting to show someone how much you care, that you want to shower them with love and affection and attention? That's all well and good. Wanting to help and nurture and build something is terrific. But that only works if both people feel the same way. And there are so many different ways to love people. Sometimes, the best way to love them, is to let them go if that's what they want. Sometimes it's to hold on, and fight for them, or with them. Because everyone needs something different. But it's not something that can be forced. And I don't believe it should be abandoned, because it is something precious.
A lot of people spend their entire lives searching for that perfect person, and never finding it or simply throw it away, because it didn't fit what they were looking for as 'perfection'. And if it wasn't perfect, they couldn't be bothered. Others seem to never find anyone, and spend their lives alone, and unhappy, thinking that there's a failing in them somehow, as they reject person after person, finding fault constantly in themselves because they believe they cannot measure up. They choose people who they will pursue relentlessly, in the hope that their perfect mates will make them whole, and perfect by extension.
And a lot of people spend their lives choosing people who are destined to injure them, to emotionally wound them, because the people they choose to love, simply can't love them back. They're toxic to them, and they choose emotionally unavailable people, because they feel as though they are unlovable, and don't really deserve to be loved, and instinctively choose partners who won't be able to give them what they need. It isn't that they don't have love to give, it's that they want to give too much, without knowing or understanding how to find someone with whom to lavish that love on, who will return it in kind, instead of bleeding it dry. I'm not sure if the emotionally unavailable people realize the damage they're doing, or if they are damaged in some way themselves. Perhaps they are the above people, looking for someone perfect to make them perfect by extension, and ending up with those who feel they are unlovable, that creates a cycle. I don't know.
I do know, that it makes for a horrible set of combinations. Love isn't supposed to be a battle, except perhaps in bed. It's supposed to be something cherished, freely given, received, and nurtured. Love as friendship, courtship, or romantically. Be it any of those things, they're still precious, and they still matter.
So I read the chat logs, and I sat and thought about it. You love who you love. You make decisions, and you run with them, and in retrospect, you gaze back, and sometimes you wonder what you were thinking, and why you might have done what you did. And sometimes you were right, and sometimes not. It doesn't change anything to dwell on it. It's good to understand yourself, and to contemplate how to not make the same set of mistakes again, and it's always good to consider how you ended up in a certain place walking on a path. And at the end of the day, you sigh, shake your head, and accept your decisions, and take responsibility for them and move toward the future.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Obligation?
I'm not an obligation. You don't owe me. I wish, so badly, that when I ask a straightforward question, that I could get a straightforward answer, without being worried about how I'm going to respond, or what the repercussions might be, or anything else. If I'm asking how you're going to feel about something, I'm not asking how *I* am going to feel about it, obviously *I* know that already. I don't want to hear you say how *I* am going to feel, or what *I* want. I want to know what *you* want.
Somehow, someday, there is going to come a time when you stop being afraid of yourself, of me. Of everything all the time. Life will be better then. But all I can do right now is insure that you don't keep feeling like you owe me, because you don't. You haven't, in a long time. That wasn't ever my intention, which was why I kept pushing it, because something didn't seem right, you weren't acting right, and I pushed until I got the truth, as opposed to the more convenient lie.
Just getting what I wanted wasn't actually what I wanted, don't you understand that, even now? Just because I might want something, if it isn't something you're willing and comfortable with giving to me, then I don't want it, at the end of the day.
I don't want it if it's making you miserable. If it scares you that badly, and makes you that uncomfortable, then ultimately, I honestly just don't want it, and don't care that much to have it. It's not like I'm miserably unhappy with the way things are, I thought you understood that. I guess not, and you refuse to talk to me about it, which is the most frustrating thing in the world.
Ultimately, all I really want is to have peace, and to be safe and comfortable with myself. But we're never going to get anywhere without some sense of communication...
Somehow, someday, there is going to come a time when you stop being afraid of yourself, of me. Of everything all the time. Life will be better then. But all I can do right now is insure that you don't keep feeling like you owe me, because you don't. You haven't, in a long time. That wasn't ever my intention, which was why I kept pushing it, because something didn't seem right, you weren't acting right, and I pushed until I got the truth, as opposed to the more convenient lie.
Just getting what I wanted wasn't actually what I wanted, don't you understand that, even now? Just because I might want something, if it isn't something you're willing and comfortable with giving to me, then I don't want it, at the end of the day.
I don't want it if it's making you miserable. If it scares you that badly, and makes you that uncomfortable, then ultimately, I honestly just don't want it, and don't care that much to have it. It's not like I'm miserably unhappy with the way things are, I thought you understood that. I guess not, and you refuse to talk to me about it, which is the most frustrating thing in the world.
Ultimately, all I really want is to have peace, and to be safe and comfortable with myself. But we're never going to get anywhere without some sense of communication...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I realize that I should, in fact, get out of bed, and be doing something other than writing this blog. But at the moment, I'm curled up under a silk comforter, surrounded by pillows that are not my own, in a bed that is mine, but not mine, in a room that is familiar but different.
It's such a strange sensation, to know that this is comforting on the one hand, but brings back bittersweet memories at the same time. To be aware that I'm finally at a place that I'm okay enough to sleep here, and actually sleep in this bed, alone, without being miserable anymore. It took fully a year to get here, though.
I took off, and ran away again, because that's what I do when I get overwhelmed, I go and try to clear my head. I'm not having as much luck as I generally do, but this time there's enough other stuff going on, solving other people's problems, that it gives me perspective, and something to focus on besides me. I needed that.
I'm having trouble getting my thoughts lined up in my own headspace lately, and trying to concetrate on school and where I want to go, or not go, is giving me kind of an ongoing headache, making decisions was getting too hard, to the point where I couldn't so much as decide what I wanted to eat, much less anything else. And at that point, it was time to just go, and let everything settle.
Things are settling down now. I can't quite kick the flash-point dreaming, I have no control over that, though I'm trying. I'm shutting things down now, and closing them off, and that will help. I'm working on meditation, in the hope that it will make me more centered, and once I get back home, I'll be picking up supplies to cleanse the house, and clear out what I not-so-affectionately refer to as my 'cobwebs'. Sometimes, things must.
It's such a strange sensation, to know that this is comforting on the one hand, but brings back bittersweet memories at the same time. To be aware that I'm finally at a place that I'm okay enough to sleep here, and actually sleep in this bed, alone, without being miserable anymore. It took fully a year to get here, though.
I took off, and ran away again, because that's what I do when I get overwhelmed, I go and try to clear my head. I'm not having as much luck as I generally do, but this time there's enough other stuff going on, solving other people's problems, that it gives me perspective, and something to focus on besides me. I needed that.
I'm having trouble getting my thoughts lined up in my own headspace lately, and trying to concetrate on school and where I want to go, or not go, is giving me kind of an ongoing headache, making decisions was getting too hard, to the point where I couldn't so much as decide what I wanted to eat, much less anything else. And at that point, it was time to just go, and let everything settle.
Things are settling down now. I can't quite kick the flash-point dreaming, I have no control over that, though I'm trying. I'm shutting things down now, and closing them off, and that will help. I'm working on meditation, in the hope that it will make me more centered, and once I get back home, I'll be picking up supplies to cleanse the house, and clear out what I not-so-affectionately refer to as my 'cobwebs'. Sometimes, things must.
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