Cruelty

Controversy: my cruel streak could easily get out of hand, given that sort of leeway

I won't do that/risk that

And I do have one.

xxx: what sparks your cruel streak?

Controversy: I don't know

xxx: i think everybody does

Controversy: and I have no desire to find out

but having someone who *wants* to be placed in that position?

just...no

I know how very capable I am of decimating someone

I didn't like it

xxx: i think i sparked my wife's cruel streak - she treats me as though i should be a submissive

when did you decimate someone?

Controversy: it's been a long time

I'm not that person anymore

xxx: well, that's a good thing

xxx: <--- has no desire to be decimated by anyone

Controversy: most people don't

xxx: i prefer flight to fight - as a cancer, i tend to just crawl into my shell and not let anybody in

****

That was a conversation that I was having, and I was actually discussing quite a bit of other stuff, fairly in depth, but the excerpt was what caught my attention. Yes, I can be cruel. I *have* been cruel, in the past, and vindictive and spiteful. I'm human.

Am I proud of that? That there's a part of me that has that capability, to be cruel, and completely decimate someone's life? No, I'm not. That was living a life that I'm not anymore. But that knowledge is there, and the simple fact of that knowledge is enough to keep me off that ledge, even in a limited capacity. I do not like the way it feels, to cause that kind of pain.

I know that there are things about me that I can control, facets of my personality that I work on, to improve, to facilitate my day-to-day life, to continue being me. I know that there are some things that I simply have to deal with, such as my speech aphasia, and that are just the way that it is.

But the cruel streak? That isn't something I just had to accept. And I didn't. Violent tendencies were also not something that were just written off as 'oh well'. And there are ways to cope, behavioural modifications to cope, to handle, to direct into other channels.

I know I have flaws, I have mountains of them. I am self-aware enough to be conscious of at least some of them. And to have been working on, or have worked out, some of them. It's a process, an ongoing one. I'm never going to be perfect, but I'm a lot better now than I was a year ago. I'm great leaping mountains better than I was five years ago, and the person I am today isn't even recognizable as the person I was when I was a teenager.

And those were conscious choices, and I'm proud of that. And I worked hard to have earned that right, to be proud of myself, and who I have become. So when I say that I don't choose now to want to be cruel toward anyone, even accidentally? I understand my statement, and why. When I state that I don't like hurting people, physically or emotionally? I'm self-aware enough to grasp what I mean, and it's not a slip of the tongue.

I like harmony, I like being in control of myself. Certainly, I wish that I was made of rainbows and sugar and everything was all fluff and light. And that I didn't have demons to battle, and didn't need to make conscious choices, to keep those demons at bay. That would be wonderful. But the truth is, that I do. And because I know that? I will live my life, my way. And that way is to be happy, and be secure, and live and love the people I choose, and make them as safe and happy and loved as I can, because I *don't* want to see pain in their eyes, or in anyone else's, because of actions I chose.

And that is something I can control. What I do? That's within my grasp. My decisions, my actions, my choices. My responsibility, as far as it extends, to cause harm to no one. That keeps me at peace with myself.