Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how
Because baby
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now
And all the roads that lead you there winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how
I said maybe, your the one
that saves me?
And after all - you're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
And after an
You're my wonderwall
Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
Because you're my wonderwall
Friday, July 4, 2008
Happy Fourth of July
To everybody, Happy Fourth of July. It's Independence Day.
I paid my rent. I paid my bills. I'm living in my apartment, and I'm finally self-sufficient. And I'm alone. And it's alright.
And while I've been stressed out enough to have brought on a lupus flare, and things are not as smooth as I might like? I'm going to be okay. I've refused to accept a lot of things anymore, from anyone. I'm not going to be putting up with things anymore that I've tolerated for so long. I don't need to anymore. I have no *reason* to allow myself to be walked on, to accommodate other people anymore.
I tried being accommodating. I tried to help, and be nice, and be friendly. And it got me screwed over, and hurt, and so filled up with anger that it made me sick. Physically sick, not just emotionally twisted up.
I'm through with it. Some things I'm still trying to salvage. Some things I've just let go. A lot of things have changed.
So, happy fourth of July, and I hope everybody has a good one. Me? I'll be working, because it's a weekend, and that's when there's the most work for me.
Monday and Tuesday, I have stuff I'm doing off and on all day as well. I *might* have a little bit of spare time on Wednesday. Thursday I'm pretty sure I might actually be free, and Friday starts another weekend, which kicks off work again.
Amazing.
I paid my rent. I paid my bills. I'm living in my apartment, and I'm finally self-sufficient. And I'm alone. And it's alright.
And while I've been stressed out enough to have brought on a lupus flare, and things are not as smooth as I might like? I'm going to be okay. I've refused to accept a lot of things anymore, from anyone. I'm not going to be putting up with things anymore that I've tolerated for so long. I don't need to anymore. I have no *reason* to allow myself to be walked on, to accommodate other people anymore.
I tried being accommodating. I tried to help, and be nice, and be friendly. And it got me screwed over, and hurt, and so filled up with anger that it made me sick. Physically sick, not just emotionally twisted up.
I'm through with it. Some things I'm still trying to salvage. Some things I've just let go. A lot of things have changed.
So, happy fourth of July, and I hope everybody has a good one. Me? I'll be working, because it's a weekend, and that's when there's the most work for me.
Monday and Tuesday, I have stuff I'm doing off and on all day as well. I *might* have a little bit of spare time on Wednesday. Thursday I'm pretty sure I might actually be free, and Friday starts another weekend, which kicks off work again.
Amazing.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Today
Is the first day, of the rest of my life. And I'm finished now, trying to fight a battle that will never be won. Tired of waiting for a promise to never be kept. And tired of being treated with no courtesy or respect for my feelings, when everyone else matters except me.
Actions speak volumes, and I've tried every way I can think of to make myself heard, and no one listens.
I was a friend when it was needed, and cast aside when it was convenient, and it has been expected of me to take any amount of unreasonable and unfair action against me, and just roll with it, for far too long. And I've given up now. You've made your choices, and gone your own way, and I'll now go mine. And we'll live our lives, and that's fine.
I'll never say that I don't love you, that I won't miss you, or that I hate you. I'll never say that I wanted to walk away and close the door on something I valued. But I also won't be treated as something to be put into a box, and treated as worthless and inconvenient, or treated like leprosy when I've done nothing wrong, and had my character and name slandered and abused without a word or voice raised in protest or defense.
No friend of mine would stand silent while such things were said. No one who claimed to care about me would sit silently and ignore the obvious untruths about me, and let it all ride. And they certainly wouldn't have allowed such things to go on and on and on. And I can't take anymore. It's been too long, and I've had too much recently to keep allowing this. I simply don't have any more that I can take.
I needed one person to defend me, and to still be what I believed in. Just one. And while I can accept that that isn't going to happen, and move past it? I can't continually sit here, and have my heart broken, and be disappointed and let down, and be expected to accept it. I have a limit to what I can take before I break entirely, and there's just nothing left inside of me. Nobody seems to grasp that concept, that I have a limit to the abuse and mistreatment I can take, before it will overwhelm me, and I will simply have a complete breakdown. You assume that I will be able to juggle everything, and it will all be fine.
But I can't. I have no alternate support to fall back on. That's gone. I have myself, and that is slowly crumbling by the constant barrage of expectations that I should never have had to deal with in the first place. I'm strong enough to stand up, and move on, if I walk away.
I'm not strong enough to watch you walk away. That's been done once recently. I can't have it done twice. And in spite of all your protestations, we both know that you're going to do just that when it comes right down to it. And I'm not going to be the one abandoned now. So I'll take my leave now, quietly, and without fanfare. I'll pick up the pieces of my life and try to rebuild it into something I can make on my own.
And the hardest thing I've ever had to do is realize that this time when I walk away, it's me going, because it means that I won't come back. And I won't be watching for you when you come looking later. I won't allow myself to be the person that's good enough for you to care about if there's nobody you love more nearby. I won't sit here, and be worthwhile in your life as long as there isn't someone dictating to you what they need more than what I might need.
Lover or not, friend or not, I should have mattered more than that. Loyalty and friendship should have mattered more than that. Because I didn't do anything wrong, and I've been treated as though I did. I deserved some loyalty and respect, the same loyalty and respect that I showed to you, have always shown to you.
There's nothing I wouldn't have done. I've always been willing to defend you, been willing to stand up for you, and welcome you, and help you. Every time. A courtesy I am apparently simply not worth, in anyone's eyes. And that isn't fair, and it isn't right, and now?
I'm simply finished now. There's nothing left.
While my head and my heart are completely conflicted, and my heart sits crying and saying all I want is to be happy and be held close and be loved. My head knows that it's time to walk away, and let it all go. And move on. And let it be over now.
Actions speak volumes, and I've tried every way I can think of to make myself heard, and no one listens.
I was a friend when it was needed, and cast aside when it was convenient, and it has been expected of me to take any amount of unreasonable and unfair action against me, and just roll with it, for far too long. And I've given up now. You've made your choices, and gone your own way, and I'll now go mine. And we'll live our lives, and that's fine.
I'll never say that I don't love you, that I won't miss you, or that I hate you. I'll never say that I wanted to walk away and close the door on something I valued. But I also won't be treated as something to be put into a box, and treated as worthless and inconvenient, or treated like leprosy when I've done nothing wrong, and had my character and name slandered and abused without a word or voice raised in protest or defense.
No friend of mine would stand silent while such things were said. No one who claimed to care about me would sit silently and ignore the obvious untruths about me, and let it all ride. And they certainly wouldn't have allowed such things to go on and on and on. And I can't take anymore. It's been too long, and I've had too much recently to keep allowing this. I simply don't have any more that I can take.
I needed one person to defend me, and to still be what I believed in. Just one. And while I can accept that that isn't going to happen, and move past it? I can't continually sit here, and have my heart broken, and be disappointed and let down, and be expected to accept it. I have a limit to what I can take before I break entirely, and there's just nothing left inside of me. Nobody seems to grasp that concept, that I have a limit to the abuse and mistreatment I can take, before it will overwhelm me, and I will simply have a complete breakdown. You assume that I will be able to juggle everything, and it will all be fine.
But I can't. I have no alternate support to fall back on. That's gone. I have myself, and that is slowly crumbling by the constant barrage of expectations that I should never have had to deal with in the first place. I'm strong enough to stand up, and move on, if I walk away.
I'm not strong enough to watch you walk away. That's been done once recently. I can't have it done twice. And in spite of all your protestations, we both know that you're going to do just that when it comes right down to it. And I'm not going to be the one abandoned now. So I'll take my leave now, quietly, and without fanfare. I'll pick up the pieces of my life and try to rebuild it into something I can make on my own.
And the hardest thing I've ever had to do is realize that this time when I walk away, it's me going, because it means that I won't come back. And I won't be watching for you when you come looking later. I won't allow myself to be the person that's good enough for you to care about if there's nobody you love more nearby. I won't sit here, and be worthwhile in your life as long as there isn't someone dictating to you what they need more than what I might need.
Lover or not, friend or not, I should have mattered more than that. Loyalty and friendship should have mattered more than that. Because I didn't do anything wrong, and I've been treated as though I did. I deserved some loyalty and respect, the same loyalty and respect that I showed to you, have always shown to you.
There's nothing I wouldn't have done. I've always been willing to defend you, been willing to stand up for you, and welcome you, and help you. Every time. A courtesy I am apparently simply not worth, in anyone's eyes. And that isn't fair, and it isn't right, and now?
I'm simply finished now. There's nothing left.
While my head and my heart are completely conflicted, and my heart sits crying and saying all I want is to be happy and be held close and be loved. My head knows that it's time to walk away, and let it all go. And move on. And let it be over now.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
You'll think of me...
I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but
Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me
I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So
Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me
Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life
So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me
So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah
And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday
Keith Urban - You'll think of me
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but
Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me
I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So
Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me
Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life
So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me
So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah
And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday
Keith Urban - You'll think of me
Read it and weep :(
Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images
No
Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
--A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover
***
Oooh, jealousy
Oooh, jealousy
Is she fine
So well bred
The perfect girl
A social deb
Is she the sort
You've always thought
Could make
Could make you
What you're not?
Oooh, jealousy
Oooh, my jealousy
Is she smart
So well read a
Are there novels by her bed
Is she the sort
That you've always said
Could satisfy your head?
Oooh, jealousy
Oooh, my jealousy
Does she talk
The way I do
Is her voice
Is her voice reminding you
Of the promises
The little white lies too
Sometimes, tell me
While she's touching you
Just by mistake
Accidentally do you say my name?
Natalie Merchant - Jealousy
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images
No
Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
--A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover
***
Oooh, jealousy
Oooh, jealousy
Is she fine
So well bred
The perfect girl
A social deb
Is she the sort
You've always thought
Could make
Could make you
What you're not?
Oooh, jealousy
Oooh, my jealousy
Is she smart
So well read a
Are there novels by her bed
Is she the sort
That you've always said
Could satisfy your head?
Oooh, jealousy
Oooh, my jealousy
Does she talk
The way I do
Is her voice
Is her voice reminding you
Of the promises
The little white lies too
Sometimes, tell me
While she's touching you
Just by mistake
Accidentally do you say my name?
Natalie Merchant - Jealousy
Horoscopes oh my!
July 2:
Horoscope: July 2
July 2, 2008
Aries (March 21-April 19): Getting along with your loved ones in perfect harmony feels fantastic. But not getting along is good for you too. Your differences are lessons in opening your heart.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You're noticing what motivates other people and using it as leverage to get them to behave as you prefer. Now, if you can do that for yourself, you'll rule your world. Use what you see in others as a clue to your own psyche.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): You're full of warmth and charisma. So how will you radiate this in the conservative settings you'll be visiting today? Probably quietly, and everyone feels it anyway.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): You're finding it easier to be centered in your relationships with others, likely because your internal sense of balance is stronger. All that quiet contemplation is paying off.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Your sign is not known for being cautious or meticulous. However, that all changes when you realize that you are dealing with a one-of-a-kind, rare and precious commodity.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It doesn't take much to get you in touch with life's pleasures: a ripe strawberry, the color of the sky, the sound of life around you coming together like the best music ever composed.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): You're hoping it will be a quick fix. If the first answer you hear doesn't satisfy you, don't hesitate to get another and another. Persistence is rewarding.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Get back in touch with someone or something that played a special role in your development. Whether it's piano lessons or an ex-love, there's still valuable learning to be had.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A competitive relationship takes center stage. You're quick on your feet. By the end of this whole deal you'll have sharpened each another.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): All your plans may go out the window, only because new opportunities are so much better than anything you expected. Being flexible is the way to fabulous luck.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Sometimes you know what you want, so you take a step. And other times, like now, you take a step for no good reason at all and then discover what you want.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): It's hard enough to be impartial about things you don't care about, but when it comes to people you love, forget it. You're 100% biased with a mouth full of opinions and they wouldn't want it any other way.
Horoscope: July 2
July 2, 2008
Aries (March 21-April 19): Getting along with your loved ones in perfect harmony feels fantastic. But not getting along is good for you too. Your differences are lessons in opening your heart.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You're noticing what motivates other people and using it as leverage to get them to behave as you prefer. Now, if you can do that for yourself, you'll rule your world. Use what you see in others as a clue to your own psyche.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): You're full of warmth and charisma. So how will you radiate this in the conservative settings you'll be visiting today? Probably quietly, and everyone feels it anyway.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): You're finding it easier to be centered in your relationships with others, likely because your internal sense of balance is stronger. All that quiet contemplation is paying off.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Your sign is not known for being cautious or meticulous. However, that all changes when you realize that you are dealing with a one-of-a-kind, rare and precious commodity.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It doesn't take much to get you in touch with life's pleasures: a ripe strawberry, the color of the sky, the sound of life around you coming together like the best music ever composed.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): You're hoping it will be a quick fix. If the first answer you hear doesn't satisfy you, don't hesitate to get another and another. Persistence is rewarding.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Get back in touch with someone or something that played a special role in your development. Whether it's piano lessons or an ex-love, there's still valuable learning to be had.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A competitive relationship takes center stage. You're quick on your feet. By the end of this whole deal you'll have sharpened each another.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): All your plans may go out the window, only because new opportunities are so much better than anything you expected. Being flexible is the way to fabulous luck.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Sometimes you know what you want, so you take a step. And other times, like now, you take a step for no good reason at all and then discover what you want.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): It's hard enough to be impartial about things you don't care about, but when it comes to people you love, forget it. You're 100% biased with a mouth full of opinions and they wouldn't want it any other way.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Sick, twisted, ironic horoscopes
Tuesday, July 1
Cancer:
Someone expects more than is humanly possible, and fails to allow for human frailty. You are in a learning phase right now and it may be a great benefit to you. Advance your skills, as well as your knowledge. Do not put off an important discussion with someone significant.
Conditions should be rather calm now, with a steadying influence that holds the promise of long-range benefits. Benefits will not vanish after this trend has passed, but will continue to produce permanent advantages. At this time you have the ability to work in seclusion on hard and difficult tasks.
You may be having some dark and secret thoughts today and sensitive areas of your mind may intrude and appear obsessive. You could even be suspicious of someone. You can see things from a broader perspective than usual at this time if you take a moment to not react to initial judgments, and you better appreciate how your personal activities, interests, and goals fit into the needs of a personal relationship.
July 2
Cancer:
Reconciling opposing feelings and emotional polarities is especially important for you now. Today is best utilized for working towards a goal rather than creating or finishing one. Do not start anything new until you have completed your current projects. Letting go of your own agenda may give you the freedom you seek.
You could be so attached to certain emotions, memories, or relationships from your past that they could cause a problem in your present relationships. Your emotions will be intense but not very stable today which could lead to difficulties and undesired changes in your current associations and romantic relationships.
Conversations with your partner are critical now. This is a time for you to really listen and learn from others. If there is some matter you are concerned with, now is an excellent time to consult a professional or even a good friend that can give helpful feedback. You need other peoples' ideas and opinions now, don't be afraid to ask for them.
Cancer:
Someone expects more than is humanly possible, and fails to allow for human frailty. You are in a learning phase right now and it may be a great benefit to you. Advance your skills, as well as your knowledge. Do not put off an important discussion with someone significant.
Conditions should be rather calm now, with a steadying influence that holds the promise of long-range benefits. Benefits will not vanish after this trend has passed, but will continue to produce permanent advantages. At this time you have the ability to work in seclusion on hard and difficult tasks.
You may be having some dark and secret thoughts today and sensitive areas of your mind may intrude and appear obsessive. You could even be suspicious of someone. You can see things from a broader perspective than usual at this time if you take a moment to not react to initial judgments, and you better appreciate how your personal activities, interests, and goals fit into the needs of a personal relationship.
July 2
Cancer:
Reconciling opposing feelings and emotional polarities is especially important for you now. Today is best utilized for working towards a goal rather than creating or finishing one. Do not start anything new until you have completed your current projects. Letting go of your own agenda may give you the freedom you seek.
You could be so attached to certain emotions, memories, or relationships from your past that they could cause a problem in your present relationships. Your emotions will be intense but not very stable today which could lead to difficulties and undesired changes in your current associations and romantic relationships.
Conversations with your partner are critical now. This is a time for you to really listen and learn from others. If there is some matter you are concerned with, now is an excellent time to consult a professional or even a good friend that can give helpful feedback. You need other peoples' ideas and opinions now, don't be afraid to ask for them.
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