Danny's birthday dinner was Friday night, and a group of us gathered at the Spaghetti Factory. Pictures were taken, which are actually up on his myspace, for those who have access to it. I'm sure they're in other locations, but I suck and don't have that handy, so I can't post links to it.
Chelle tells me it was the saddest birthday dinner she's ever been to, only I disagree. I thought it actually went off fairly well, all things considered. Food was good, conversation flowed fairly well. No awkward silences, no angry exchanges. The only truly awkward moment happened when we bumped into friends on our way out who hadn't been told about the breakup, and so were unaware of the current circumstances...
All in all, things are going okay. It has to be the absolute most strange breakup on record, as things go, but we both agree, since we've spent a fair amount of time discussing it, that this should have happened a long time ago. The ease with which we're handling the actual emotional side of it tells us that this is the right thing to do. We're better friends than life partners. And we're damn good friends. I'm grateful for that.
Things are still going to be a little weird. You can't sleep with someone and spend that part of your life with them for seven years without their being a little weirdness. But things are going to be okay, I think. He's been my best friend for so long, that it would just be wrong if that suddenly stopped cold. I just want to see him be happy. And I wasn't making him happy, not really. We tried to, but it just wasn't there. We're both much happier without the pretending...
Anyhow, Danny is now twenty six, and life is moving on. Things are moving on. And my midnight ramblings are still as pointless and random as always.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Secret word of the week
It's that time again, and this time I've decided to give some thought to my word of the week. It's once again the middle of the night, because I'm not given to a whole lot of sleep lately. My word of the week...what should it be? I was going to go with another one of the light-hearted funny words, but I've decided I'm just not feeling in a particularly light mood.
So this week's word of the week is going to be "recondite".
Use that in a sentence my dearhearts.
So this week's word of the week is going to be "recondite".
Use that in a sentence my dearhearts.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Chinese astrology? Oh, Brody?
Fire Snake, eh?
***
Those of you born under the influence of the Chinese Element Fire burn through life with your fierce charm, your impulsive enthusiasm and your restless emotions. A natural leader, you inspire with your decisive action and dramatic expression; people can't help but be magnetically drawn to you. Where will you lead your followers? Likely into an exciting adventure of some sort. You're instinctual, but your mind sparks with new ideas and clever solutions.
In love, you're highly-charged -- even combustible at times! Hot tamales to the core, these dynamic individuals can see straight to the heart of an issue and make it work for them. You may seem single-minded, but you just refuse to be swayed from a cause they believe to be important.
Diplomatic and popular, the Snake has the sensual art of seduction down. This Sign is an interesting mix of gregariousness paired with introversion, intuitive reasoning paired with savvy business skills. Snakes are considered to be lucky with money and will generally have more than enough to live life to the fullest, regardless of how important it considers money to be; this may be due to the fact that Snakes tend to be rather tight with cash. They're not stingy, they're simply more mentally than physically active. Snakes tend to hang back a bit in order to analyze a situation before jumping into it. Their charming, seductive quality actually belies a rather retiring nature; this Sign is perfectly happy to spend the whole day curled up with a good book and, thus, can be mislabeled as being lazy.
The Snake is somewhat insecure deep down and tend to be a rather jealous, possessive lover, behavior that can end up alienating loved ones. Despite these less-than-stellar tendencies, however, the Snake often proves irresistible and is a generous, loving partner. Slightly dangerous and disarmingly smart, the Snake's philosophical and intuitive mind generally supersedes logic in favor of feelings and instinct. Snakes will rely on their own gut reactions and intuitions before turning to others for suggestions. This makes this Sign a great hand in any business venture, possessing the caution and smarts needed to get ahead.
Snakes are hard workers (when they see good reason to be!) and are possessed of a keen intelligence. Snakes have incredible follow-through, once they get going, and they expect the same from others. Thus, their coworkers and employees had best stay on their toes, lest they anger the Snake and suffer its poisonous bite!
In general, of course, Snakes are generous and genteel, charming and appealing. Snakes must try to learn humility and to develop a stronger sense of self. Once Snakes realize that confidence comes from within, they will finally be comfortable in their own skin.
The most compatible match for a Snake is the Rooster or the Ox.
***
Those of you born under the influence of the Chinese Element Fire burn through life with your fierce charm, your impulsive enthusiasm and your restless emotions. A natural leader, you inspire with your decisive action and dramatic expression; people can't help but be magnetically drawn to you. Where will you lead your followers? Likely into an exciting adventure of some sort. You're instinctual, but your mind sparks with new ideas and clever solutions.
In love, you're highly-charged -- even combustible at times! Hot tamales to the core, these dynamic individuals can see straight to the heart of an issue and make it work for them. You may seem single-minded, but you just refuse to be swayed from a cause they believe to be important.
Diplomatic and popular, the Snake has the sensual art of seduction down. This Sign is an interesting mix of gregariousness paired with introversion, intuitive reasoning paired with savvy business skills. Snakes are considered to be lucky with money and will generally have more than enough to live life to the fullest, regardless of how important it considers money to be; this may be due to the fact that Snakes tend to be rather tight with cash. They're not stingy, they're simply more mentally than physically active. Snakes tend to hang back a bit in order to analyze a situation before jumping into it. Their charming, seductive quality actually belies a rather retiring nature; this Sign is perfectly happy to spend the whole day curled up with a good book and, thus, can be mislabeled as being lazy.
The Snake is somewhat insecure deep down and tend to be a rather jealous, possessive lover, behavior that can end up alienating loved ones. Despite these less-than-stellar tendencies, however, the Snake often proves irresistible and is a generous, loving partner. Slightly dangerous and disarmingly smart, the Snake's philosophical and intuitive mind generally supersedes logic in favor of feelings and instinct. Snakes will rely on their own gut reactions and intuitions before turning to others for suggestions. This makes this Sign a great hand in any business venture, possessing the caution and smarts needed to get ahead.
Snakes are hard workers (when they see good reason to be!) and are possessed of a keen intelligence. Snakes have incredible follow-through, once they get going, and they expect the same from others. Thus, their coworkers and employees had best stay on their toes, lest they anger the Snake and suffer its poisonous bite!
In general, of course, Snakes are generous and genteel, charming and appealing. Snakes must try to learn humility and to develop a stronger sense of self. Once Snakes realize that confidence comes from within, they will finally be comfortable in their own skin.
The most compatible match for a Snake is the Rooster or the Ox.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Taking a page
From someone else's book. Somebody else was talking about being emotionally disconnected. Well, not that exactly, but I'm taking a page from that book. It feels as though I've been that way for most of my life. And it turns out that that might be the best thing for me. The distance that gives me, the ability to see from that standpoint might be the way I can handle reality. The distance to be able to function in a world that is overwhelming to me.
I am very much accustomed to being able to be about five steps removed from any given situation. I can handle most problems by virtue of the fact that rarely, if ever, does anything directly make me care. Even if circumstances concern me directly, I simply do not emotionally connect to them. And that makes it so I can handle a great deal. It gives me a way to deal.
The trouble is that right now, I am feeling too much. I cannot control anything and Aeverything seems to be spiraling out of control. It isn't particularly visible on the surface, not always. I can and am holding it together most of the time. And then I crash, and fall apart. I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping. If I didn't know better, I would seriously think that I was on some kind of methamphetamines, only I know that I'm not. I go and go and go, until I absolutely drop. Or I burst into tears. I am exhausted, but I can't sleep.
And it's so hard. I can't just let go, and try and take the comfort I need, because I don't quite know how. The little solace I'm managing to hold on to is in short supply indeed, and even that isn't going to last long. I am frustrated and angry and sad and confused and happy and giddy and all of the emotions that have been absent for so long that I had forgotten how they felt.
And while on the one hand, it's amazing, all the feelings. On the opposite hand, they are overwhelming me. I am crashing and drowning, and I can't breathe. There is nothing to hold on to, and no one to hold me long enough for me to sleep and breathe. And I hurt.
Someone said to me in the last few days that perhaps I give too much. I want to ease the pain everyone else feels, and make it easier for them. And that's true. But I don't know how to ask for anyone to ease my pain, or accept it when someone wants to give to me. I don't even know how to explain *how* to help me when I am in pain. Physical or emotional.
It is once again the middle of the night, and I am once again wandering around in circles in a blog post that makes no sense to anyone else but me...
Goodnight internets...
I am very much accustomed to being able to be about five steps removed from any given situation. I can handle most problems by virtue of the fact that rarely, if ever, does anything directly make me care. Even if circumstances concern me directly, I simply do not emotionally connect to them. And that makes it so I can handle a great deal. It gives me a way to deal.
The trouble is that right now, I am feeling too much. I cannot control anything and Aeverything seems to be spiraling out of control. It isn't particularly visible on the surface, not always. I can and am holding it together most of the time. And then I crash, and fall apart. I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping. If I didn't know better, I would seriously think that I was on some kind of methamphetamines, only I know that I'm not. I go and go and go, until I absolutely drop. Or I burst into tears. I am exhausted, but I can't sleep.
And it's so hard. I can't just let go, and try and take the comfort I need, because I don't quite know how. The little solace I'm managing to hold on to is in short supply indeed, and even that isn't going to last long. I am frustrated and angry and sad and confused and happy and giddy and all of the emotions that have been absent for so long that I had forgotten how they felt.
And while on the one hand, it's amazing, all the feelings. On the opposite hand, they are overwhelming me. I am crashing and drowning, and I can't breathe. There is nothing to hold on to, and no one to hold me long enough for me to sleep and breathe. And I hurt.
Someone said to me in the last few days that perhaps I give too much. I want to ease the pain everyone else feels, and make it easier for them. And that's true. But I don't know how to ask for anyone to ease my pain, or accept it when someone wants to give to me. I don't even know how to explain *how* to help me when I am in pain. Physical or emotional.
It is once again the middle of the night, and I am once again wandering around in circles in a blog post that makes no sense to anyone else but me...
Goodnight internets...
For what it's worth
Articulating my thoughts is always going to be easier for me if I don't have to get them expressed out loud. I tried. I hope it was enough. Even if it all falls apart now, and it seems as though that might happen, it was worth it. For me, it was worth it.
The world is spinning around me. The walls were closing in on me, and I'm still walking on quicksand, or so it feels. I'll survive, because that's what I do. Everything inside of me is breaking, and it hurts. And I'll still survive. I won't say don't worry about me, because you'll be concerned anyway. I'll remember, now. The things that I'd blocked off, I can remember some of them now. Thank you for returning some of the more precious memories. Thank you for giving me back some of myself...
i can see you
feel you
touch you
i could hold you forever
i am broken
bleeding
defeated
i have failed
i am crying
lost
lonely
i need you
i want you
but what will become of me now?
The world is spinning around me. The walls were closing in on me, and I'm still walking on quicksand, or so it feels. I'll survive, because that's what I do. Everything inside of me is breaking, and it hurts. And I'll still survive. I won't say don't worry about me, because you'll be concerned anyway. I'll remember, now. The things that I'd blocked off, I can remember some of them now. Thank you for returning some of the more precious memories. Thank you for giving me back some of myself...
i can see you
feel you
touch you
i could hold you forever
i am broken
bleeding
defeated
i have failed
i am crying
lost
lonely
i need you
i want you
but what will become of me now?
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Breaking up is hard to do...
Because that's how everything works, isn't it? I guess that's just how I am...for most things, at any rate. My apologies to those of you who haven't gotten a personal call from me, letting you know what's going on, but things are complicated, and I'm so tired.
Danny and I have officially ended our relationship...He'll be moving out of our apartment soon, back to his parent's house. To be more precise, I have officially ended it, and he did nothing wrong. The decision was mine, and I made it. And about every fifteen minutes, I end up in a panic attack, wondering if I'm completely stupid, and if the love as a friend I feel for him would have been enough, if the comfort and security were worth it...and then I cry and cry and cry because I'm terrified. And it sucks.
I spent a very long time finally getting used to the idea that I might finally be "safe". Had finally accepted that. And now because I can't bring myself to pretend to be something I'm not, and I can't give Danny something in a relationship that's a deal breaker for us, in the long run, I've chosen this...now I'm scared, because all of my security is gone in one fell swoop. And it's terrifying.
There are other circumstances as well, but the headliner is irreconcilable differences. We're still friends. We've always been friends. We'll be sharing custody of his little sister. Heh. No, things are, on the surface, the way they've been for ages...except that we're in separate rooms.
The last person whose voice I hear before I fall asleep at night now, it isn't Danny's...And the first voice I hear when I wake up in the morning is no longer his. And that's okay. I smile at that voice too, and that helps. It's not the same, but at least I'm not completely alone. My friends are still there, Danny among them. But it hurts, and it's scary, and I did it to myself.
I could have waited a while longer, hoping that the way I felt would change...I could have pretended that things were fine. But I would have been putting off the inevitable. And that doesn't seem fair, just to be able to keep feeling safe. Danny deserves some kind of happy future with someone who can give him the family and life that he wants so badly. And that person, it just isn't me.
Danny and I have officially ended our relationship...He'll be moving out of our apartment soon, back to his parent's house. To be more precise, I have officially ended it, and he did nothing wrong. The decision was mine, and I made it. And about every fifteen minutes, I end up in a panic attack, wondering if I'm completely stupid, and if the love as a friend I feel for him would have been enough, if the comfort and security were worth it...and then I cry and cry and cry because I'm terrified. And it sucks.
I spent a very long time finally getting used to the idea that I might finally be "safe". Had finally accepted that. And now because I can't bring myself to pretend to be something I'm not, and I can't give Danny something in a relationship that's a deal breaker for us, in the long run, I've chosen this...now I'm scared, because all of my security is gone in one fell swoop. And it's terrifying.
There are other circumstances as well, but the headliner is irreconcilable differences. We're still friends. We've always been friends. We'll be sharing custody of his little sister. Heh. No, things are, on the surface, the way they've been for ages...except that we're in separate rooms.
The last person whose voice I hear before I fall asleep at night now, it isn't Danny's...And the first voice I hear when I wake up in the morning is no longer his. And that's okay. I smile at that voice too, and that helps. It's not the same, but at least I'm not completely alone. My friends are still there, Danny among them. But it hurts, and it's scary, and I did it to myself.
I could have waited a while longer, hoping that the way I felt would change...I could have pretended that things were fine. But I would have been putting off the inevitable. And that doesn't seem fair, just to be able to keep feeling safe. Danny deserves some kind of happy future with someone who can give him the family and life that he wants so badly. And that person, it just isn't me.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
There are stretches of silence
To hide the words
Words I cannot bring myself to say
I can barely bring myself to acknowledge them
I stand clear, finally
Looking out
Safe in my own space
From you, from them
From me?
I do not know anymore
There is so much inside of me
That it frightens me
And I cannot let out the words
For they have meaning
Only if I allow them escape
So I will hold them close
Until I feel safe enough to let them free
To hide the words
Words I cannot bring myself to say
I can barely bring myself to acknowledge them
I stand clear, finally
Looking out
Safe in my own space
From you, from them
From me?
I do not know anymore
There is so much inside of me
That it frightens me
And I cannot let out the words
For they have meaning
Only if I allow them escape
So I will hold them close
Until I feel safe enough to let them free
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