Rocking out...?

Maybe not. I have Nickelback's "rockstar" in my head, and playing on my iTunes, actually. I'm thinking about doing something outrageous to my hair, and to my look. Maybe just doing something outrageous in general.

I feel as though I'm falling faster and faster and I can't stop it, and I'm not even sure I want to. It's worse at night. Old music that used to have meaning for me is once again having meaning for me, and making me ponder old feelings. Lots of old feelings are resurfacing. Probably why I'm contemplating doing something shocking to my looks.

I am angry. I am angry and I am alone. I did the right thing, for the right reasons, which is great. Yay for me. I made the sane, responsible choice. I did the adult thing. And I am slowly moving on. Moving forward? Perhaps. But I am alone. And it isn't fair to expect me to be happy and smiling all the time. I am angry, because it isn't easy for me. I could have taken the easy way, and I didn't. And that's fine, but I wish people weren't expecting miracles from me.

Yes, I want everyone to be happy. But hey, is it too much to ask that I get to be happy too? Is it really? Is it too much to expect that I can be sad, and cry, and that in reality I have lost here too? Because I have.

I didn't just shrug and let it all go without any thought at all. There was some serious thought involved. I had really tried my honest-to-god best. I had planned on a future. Perhaps not the white picket fence variety, but a future nonetheless. And that's gone now, because what I had pictured, and what he had in mind weren't the same. But the basic idea was there. Growing old together. A dog. A house. A *life*, damnit. A partner.

And while I'm smiling, and doing my damnedest to make it all easy and make the transition easy, it's not that simple for me. Because yes, it hurts. And I'm losing here too. So this is hurting me. Because I did the right thing, because I can't be what he wants for the long term. I can't give what he wants. But that doesn't mean that I'm not losing something here. I'm losing a lot. Just because I'm not sitting here screaming and crying and making a massive deal out of it doesn't mean it's not there.

My sanity is hanging by a fucking thread. And I don't have anything to grab hold of, because there isn't particularly anything I *can* grab. He's moving on. Faster than I could ever have really imagined. Which cements for me that this was the right thing. I guess that's a good thing? But it makes it almost impossible to try and ask for comfort in any form, because friends or not, there's no way to try and explain things in any way that doesn't make everyone miserable.

So I feel like a failure. I am angry. I am sad. I feel lost and confused, because everything I was so sure of is gone. I don't know what to think or to say or how to feel, or what to do, or not do. I don't know where I fit in anymore, or how to behave. Everything I had and everything I was was tied up in that person I was pretending to be, and now I'm at a loss for what to do now...

I'm my own worst enemy...

What's going on in the world of Controversy? All kinds of things, actually. Today was a day of introspection. It didn't actually begin that way. I'm sort of surprised it ended up that way, but that's how it was.

My original plan for the day was supposed to be loafing. A featured pajama party. Just hanging out and watching movies. That was it. Not much. Nothing overly exciting. As the day progressed, that slowly changed. It went from a regular pajama party, to a lingerie pajama party. From a PJ party with lingerie, to a lingerie PJ with a couple extra people. Plans changed, things were restructured.

I ended up running around like a madwoman, helping out a friend with some moving stuff that she had going on. Drove all over town, and picked up some stuff at the Whole Foods. Love that store, they have such neat stuff. Tooled around town, did a bunch of other stuff.

Came home, after essentially having been running about two hours behind schedule all day, *finally* made it into a shower and showed up at the PJ turned into a lingerie party. Albeit a couple of hours later than I'd planned, I was ready to have a good time. Brought out the new camera, and prepared to have fun. Good friends, good fun, right? Everything right with the world?

You'd think so. I thought so. I was laughing. At least, I thought I was...One of my friend's kids got a little spooked when it was time for her to be taken home, so her mom went with her, which left me there. Not a big deal, really. But I kept thinking while I was sitting there, that I'd rather have been doing something other than what I was doing...

I don't smoke, and so I was sitting alone in the living room while the others smoke in the other room. As what started out as five minutes drifted into ten, then into a half hour, then into a full hour with me sitting alone, and I realized that I would rather have been doing something else...I left. And no one even noticed my absence.

And I'm not altogether sure how I feel about that. I'm not angry. I could easily have simply gone to the bedroom and knocked, I suppose. Said something along the lines of "Hey, hello? What happened to you guys?" As it was, I did send a message of some sort to a cell phone snarking about longest cigarette ever, about a half hour into their hour and a half sojourn in the bedroom, before my departure. No response.

I guess I'm ambivalent. I left, and I drove around for a while. I had to think about things. I eventually parked the car and just sat for a bit, listening to the radio. Called and talked to Mona at home, so I could run by her what I was thinking, and confirmed that a lot of what I was thinking was more or less on par with what she'd been feeling earlier in the day, so at least I wasn't insane. Or if I'm insane, we're insane together.

I talked to Danny, told him what I was thinking about, and why I was coming home, and how I felt...it was strange...all the things I was paranoid about didn't matter.

There are still two people inside my head, and I still need time to sort out which person I'm going to need to decide will end up with dominance. But I know now, without needing to think on it any further...while my brain is having a hard time keeping up with the words coming out of my mouth, the instinct that's taking over from a time long past, old habits just popping out. My actions themselves are working fine. I'm running on a comfortable auto-pilot of a person I'm comfortable with.

The person I'm comfortable with is not the girl who wears clothes that put cleavage on display. It isn't a person who feels a need to flaunt something to the world. I am comfortable with some aspects of myself, and not with others, and I know where my middle ground is, and will remain there. I don't need to be someone I'm not. I can be who I am, and that's alright. I was trying, tonight, to be someone that I was a long time ago...and I'm not that girl anymore. And that's alright. I don't need to be her anymore.

The person I am was more comfortable in the shirt I wore to breakfast than the fuschia sparkle top I wore to dinner. More comfortable in the jeans than in the capris. Sneakers instead of sandals. And that's just me. I can look attractive in my own way, without needing to be somebody I'm not. I thought I wanted to be that girl again...And I was wrong. I thought I wanted to try and turn the clock back to a time when things were different. I don't think I do.

If you've read this far, whoever you are that's reading this, you've got a lot of patience, as it's damn near two o'clock in the morning, and *I* am barely coherent enough to be reading it.

I will re-read this tomorrow, and probably try a secondary post then, but I needed to try and get some of this out of my head in order to get some sleep. I have plans off and on for the rest of the weekend. Will be cooking and baking Saturday and Sunday both. Mountains of laundry. Must go grocery shopping. There's football as always on Sunday. Mental note: make grocery list.