My birthday

So my birthday was yesterday. I'm old now :P Yeah, well not really. I don't even feel particularly old. And thanks to everyone who called, I did check the phone and receive all the well wishes, etc. I know that I've been being somewhat of a hermit crab (get it, Cancer? Crab? Hahaha?) Sorry. Funnies.

Okay. So, I appreciated the thoughts, but I've never been particularly fond of doing the celebration dance about my birthday, and yesterday was no exception. I had a seizure the night before, and this time I was awake and not asleep. I lost an hour, and it really rattled me badly. And because there wasn't anyone else here, it messed me up psychologically pretty thoroughly. Danny came by to check on me, even when I told him not to. Once they're over, there really isn't much that can be done, and while I again appreciate the sentiment, he had to leave, and I was left sitting here alone after he left.

And what I really wanted was to not be alone. It would have been better to have not had anyone be here at all. I'm used to that now. It was why I told him not to come. All anyone can really do is sit and stare at me afterward, and...what? Wonder if I'm actually okay? Yes, I am. My muscles hurt. My head aches. All the same things that always happen afterward. My words are a little shaky, and I'm a little disoriented. I'll deal. but coming and checking on me just reminds me that I'm alone, and it doesn't really help anymore.

Anyhow, back to my birthday. I'm a year older. The day passed, and I kept halfway hoping the phone would ring, and I guess somewhere inside of me I'd hoped that maybe things would, for a minute, go back to being "normal" even if it was just so I could hear happy birthday and pretend that people gave a shit that I know don't really. Just because I care, doesn't mean anyone else does. And damned if it doesn't hurt to know that I meant so little. Coming on the heels of that seizure, I kept crying all over the place. Kind of sucked. And I couldn't keep it all under control, and I was trying.

So, happy birthday to me. Thanks to everyone who tried, and called and poked at me to cheer me up. I love you guys.

Birthdays and other days

Today was 'Chelle's birthday, so we went out and did birthday-acceptable things. I hope she enjoyed her day, because you're supposed to like your birthday.

In other news, it seems like my mom's world is tumbling into chaos. And there isn't a whole lot that I can do to help put it to rights. I kind of hope that it will occur to her that if she lived here in town, she could handle all the work related crap that is currently driving her insane without trouble, because she'd be local. And that there are nursing homes that her mother-in-law could be moved to, because I know she would require assisted living. And that her trouble employee could be squelched if she was local too...and we have houses here too. Just a thought. (Hi, Mom). I guess I figure I could help more if I was more nearby, but I don't have any viable options for moving to where she is...so maybe they could move closer to where I am? And bring her mother-in-law too? 'Chelle pointed me toward a decent nursing home locally...

Danny's home from work now, so I'm going to go and do Danny-oriented stuff :) Catch everybody later. A more in-depth update on me when I have time.

Oh, and Charmed ROCKS!