Things don't always go the way we plan, do they? The relationship you're in, it's still there. Of course it is. It's not like you've been dumped. But it's just, not quite what it was. There's nothing specific, nothing precisely there that points out what the problem is, you just know that it's there.
It used to be that you were so close that you could almost read each others' minds. That intense emotional connection. Sex was hot, and you couldn't keep each others hands off. Then it started dropping off, and it was for reasons that were valid, sure it was. Work was stressful. There were people to be spending time with, and it would be good if you spent some time with your friends too. Maybe they just need a little space, or there's some sort of lifestyle change they're interested in.
Then maybe you get dumped. Or maybe you don't, and you have them pulling away, putting up walls, distancing themselves and making themselves isolated while you wonder what you've done wrong. Over and over, while you have no idea what might have gone astray. The excuses are there. "I want to go out with (x) tonight." "We'll talk later." "I'm working late/early/overtime."
It doesn't really matter what rationalizations are being given, the end result is the same. One foot is halfway out the door, and the ship has sailed. It's just a matter of time, until they admit to themselves that if they're not interested in sexual and emotional intimacy with you, then they're no longer involved with the relationship with you.
Whether or not you're going to be a good friend, a fond memory, or just someone they used to know? You're still going to be the past, because it's going to be...over.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Being a jerk, and being slapped in the face with it
It really really sucks, when you happen to have done something that is fairly high on 'I was a jackass' scale, without having really meant to, and then realized, quite a while later, that you did. Even unintentionally?
I knew, I've always known, when someone is hurting, when it's someone I have a tie to. Especially when it's a tie that bound us. Distance helps, to a certain extent, and I can sometimes block well enough to put it out of reach for blocks of time. But when something is completely fucked in their world, it will generally at least skew things in mine, and I know it.
And I ignored it. Have been ignoring it. Because it was easier, because it's the way I need it to be. Because it's the way it has to be, and the way everything was put in place for all parties concerned. I did what they wanted, finally, and I walked away. And I, for the most part, buried it.
I was wrong. And it's becoming more and more obvious with each passing day, just how wrong, as evidence of how badly things are going shatters the zone around me. Not how badly things are going *for me*, because in all honesty, my world is actually peaceful, and I'm doing well.
But I can feel the instability, and the fact that the breaking point is near and that I can't help, and don't have any way to do anything at all to slide balance back under, hurts. It is not in my nature, to let someone I love, fall, and break under strain they can't handle. Especially if I know that I *am* strong enough to hold them. That I always was. Even when I didn't want to be, that is one of my redeeming qualities, is that I am strong enough, to keep everything together, while they regain their equilibrium, and can find their own balance again.
And it decimates me, to feel and to know what is falling apart, that no one else sees. That no one else helps. That no one else is holding. Being strong on the surface, and holding it together until it's too late, might make everyone lose. I'm not sure they realize it, because no one else understands the risk. You don't let them in, because you truly believe you have to protect everyone.
You never needed to protect me, because I had enough to give, to hold you up, and keep you safe, and keep myself intact in the process. It frustrates and confuses you, that I can do that, that I have that, that I'm capable of that. And I'm sorry that it twists you. I can't help that.
You don't need my presence, to take that strength. Re-open the damned conduit that will let that back in. Stop blocking me. It will ground you as it always did, and give you the strength to hold, as it always has. You probably never recognized it before, and I no longer care, as long as you're safe, and in one piece. I can give it back, if you're willing to take it. Don't fall because of your pride. Don't let them lose you, because you won't take help. Please.
I knew, I've always known, when someone is hurting, when it's someone I have a tie to. Especially when it's a tie that bound us. Distance helps, to a certain extent, and I can sometimes block well enough to put it out of reach for blocks of time. But when something is completely fucked in their world, it will generally at least skew things in mine, and I know it.
And I ignored it. Have been ignoring it. Because it was easier, because it's the way I need it to be. Because it's the way it has to be, and the way everything was put in place for all parties concerned. I did what they wanted, finally, and I walked away. And I, for the most part, buried it.
I was wrong. And it's becoming more and more obvious with each passing day, just how wrong, as evidence of how badly things are going shatters the zone around me. Not how badly things are going *for me*, because in all honesty, my world is actually peaceful, and I'm doing well.
But I can feel the instability, and the fact that the breaking point is near and that I can't help, and don't have any way to do anything at all to slide balance back under, hurts. It is not in my nature, to let someone I love, fall, and break under strain they can't handle. Especially if I know that I *am* strong enough to hold them. That I always was. Even when I didn't want to be, that is one of my redeeming qualities, is that I am strong enough, to keep everything together, while they regain their equilibrium, and can find their own balance again.
And it decimates me, to feel and to know what is falling apart, that no one else sees. That no one else helps. That no one else is holding. Being strong on the surface, and holding it together until it's too late, might make everyone lose. I'm not sure they realize it, because no one else understands the risk. You don't let them in, because you truly believe you have to protect everyone.
You never needed to protect me, because I had enough to give, to hold you up, and keep you safe, and keep myself intact in the process. It frustrates and confuses you, that I can do that, that I have that, that I'm capable of that. And I'm sorry that it twists you. I can't help that.
You don't need my presence, to take that strength. Re-open the damned conduit that will let that back in. Stop blocking me. It will ground you as it always did, and give you the strength to hold, as it always has. You probably never recognized it before, and I no longer care, as long as you're safe, and in one piece. I can give it back, if you're willing to take it. Don't fall because of your pride. Don't let them lose you, because you won't take help. Please.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
So I'm a Unicorn
Well, if that's the case, if I recall correctly, doesn't that mean that I spook easily, and am very difficult to catch? And it will take someone special to catch and hold me, and once they do, it will either require them to stay a certain way to play with me, or they have to give me up, to move on with their life?
That's the downside about being a Unicorn, right? We're beautiful, but unobtainable, because no one will be able to actually do whatever needs to be done to play with one for the long term :P
That's the downside about being a Unicorn, right? We're beautiful, but unobtainable, because no one will be able to actually do whatever needs to be done to play with one for the long term :P
Minimizing risk taking!
Odds of fatally slipping in bath or shower: 2,232 to 1
Odds of being killed sometime in the next year in any sort of transportation accident: 77 to 1
Odds of getting killed somehow while walking around outside: 1 in 49,000
Odds of death due to burning pajamas: 1 in 97,000,000 (National Safety Council stat, and no that’s not a joke)
You take risks each and every day doing the most mundane tasks. It's not about taking risks it's about risk management.
***
So, essentially: I can cut down all my chances if I stay in the house, sleep naked, and don't go anywhere for the next year?? I refuse to stay dirty, so I'll take my chances with the bath/shower, but the risks can be cut way down :P
And no, I'm not willing to be a housebound hermit, but it was still somewhat amusing. Thanks Anon.
Odds of being killed sometime in the next year in any sort of transportation accident: 77 to 1
Odds of getting killed somehow while walking around outside: 1 in 49,000
Odds of death due to burning pajamas: 1 in 97,000,000 (National Safety Council stat, and no that’s not a joke)
You take risks each and every day doing the most mundane tasks. It's not about taking risks it's about risk management.
***
So, essentially: I can cut down all my chances if I stay in the house, sleep naked, and don't go anywhere for the next year?? I refuse to stay dirty, so I'll take my chances with the bath/shower, but the risks can be cut way down :P
And no, I'm not willing to be a housebound hermit, but it was still somewhat amusing. Thanks Anon.
I'm just a bird that's already flown away...
I was, I am? Conflicted about today. I know that today was actually a really good day, overall. I had a series of good debates, found out some interesting information that will benefit me directly in the end once I put the work into it, and spent the day with people I enjoy, and doing things I like.
That being said? Why did my speech cut out, all day long? I just don't understand, and that bothers me. And what bothers me the most is that I suspect part of the problem might be that I spend enough of my time in my solitary pursuits now, that my actual verbal skills are taking a beating because of it. I can speak on the phone, or on vent, just fine. The trouble starts in person, when something sudden short-circuits.
And I think it might actually just be nerves. I might be my own worst enemy now. I've enabled myself to wrap into a safe cocoon, where I'm comfortable, and not need to have to deal with anything that might upset me. When things do upset me? I just cut it off.
I'm honestly not sure whether that's detrimental or not. For a while I pushed boundaries almost continuously, and pushed at everything to see how far I could go. And then I got...complacent? I'm not sure. I cannot decide if I want to go back to trying the limits, or if I want to stay in the safe zone.
I'm comfortable now. I'm content, and happy a lot of the time. I'm studying again, the things I'd put off and put away for so long. I'm delving into new things that I have interest in, and exploring all kinds of new things. But a lot of those things don't require me to interact with people in a social venue. It enables me to hide inside a computerized world, peeking out, and not letting anyone in except by my own choosing.
There's no risk anymore. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. What I can't quite decide is if I want to venture, and risk the gain? Or if I'm content where things stand. I'm laying here, with my kitty on my lap, and he's purring. I have a hot mug of tea, and that makes me happy. I had many people tell me that I was wanted, cared for, loved, today. I have friends, associates, acquaintances, to fill my time, stimulate my mind and make me happy.
I don't know anymore, whether or not I should simply take what I have, and be content with it. And that leaves me troubled, and feeling conflicted.
That being said? Why did my speech cut out, all day long? I just don't understand, and that bothers me. And what bothers me the most is that I suspect part of the problem might be that I spend enough of my time in my solitary pursuits now, that my actual verbal skills are taking a beating because of it. I can speak on the phone, or on vent, just fine. The trouble starts in person, when something sudden short-circuits.
And I think it might actually just be nerves. I might be my own worst enemy now. I've enabled myself to wrap into a safe cocoon, where I'm comfortable, and not need to have to deal with anything that might upset me. When things do upset me? I just cut it off.
I'm honestly not sure whether that's detrimental or not. For a while I pushed boundaries almost continuously, and pushed at everything to see how far I could go. And then I got...complacent? I'm not sure. I cannot decide if I want to go back to trying the limits, or if I want to stay in the safe zone.
I'm comfortable now. I'm content, and happy a lot of the time. I'm studying again, the things I'd put off and put away for so long. I'm delving into new things that I have interest in, and exploring all kinds of new things. But a lot of those things don't require me to interact with people in a social venue. It enables me to hide inside a computerized world, peeking out, and not letting anyone in except by my own choosing.
There's no risk anymore. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. What I can't quite decide is if I want to venture, and risk the gain? Or if I'm content where things stand. I'm laying here, with my kitty on my lap, and he's purring. I have a hot mug of tea, and that makes me happy. I had many people tell me that I was wanted, cared for, loved, today. I have friends, associates, acquaintances, to fill my time, stimulate my mind and make me happy.
I don't know anymore, whether or not I should simply take what I have, and be content with it. And that leaves me troubled, and feeling conflicted.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Ireland and Imbolc
It's somewhere I've wanted to go, for most of my life. The stone circles of Ireland, scattered about the country, is something I have wanted to see, to watch the sun come up over, on the high holidays for going on twenty years. And it's something I still want to do, someday.
For me, personally, I would have liked to make it there for Yule or Litha, followed by Samhain if at all possible. But any of the holidays would have done, the equinoxes, Beltaine, Lughnassadh, Imbolc. Any one of them would have sufficed.
People I trust, whose opinions matter to me, have told me that there's magic there. That's it is so bright that you can almost breathe it in, and taste it. The world is so vibrantly green and glossy that no photograph will ever do it justice, and that the shimmering life in the air and in the soil is something unspoiled and pure.
And I want to see that, and taste and feel it. I want to go, and be a part of that, for a little while. And I want to watch that sun come up across the ruins of the stone circles of Ireland, where the druids danced in celebration of the Gods, and feel the magic that's still there.
Perhaps I'm not as open and in-your-face as some, perhaps I'm not as expressive, about the things I care about. That doesn't mean that they aren't a part of me. I guess I forget that sometimes, to let out some of the more hidden bits of myself. Yes, I'd like to go and sit on a hillside, and enjoy the stone dance. Perhaps even dance myself. To think about the dreams I have, and the dreams to be, and all of the aspects of life, while in Ireland, and to stand where countless others have stood before me, and embrace the same things.
To feel their pain, and their sorrow, and their love, and their joy. And let it cycle through me and past me, and to be a part of all of it. Because it's all part of who I am, because I can't be anything more or less than that.
I have run from it, fought it, tried to break it and myself, and in the end, accepted it. And finally embraced it, and me, to become who I am now. And that's a good thing.
But I want to stand there, and look. I want to dance, and live, and love. And just be me. So perhaps not this year. Maybe it won't be next year. But I will make it there, and it will be during a festival day, a day to dance, and celebrate life.
For me, personally, I would have liked to make it there for Yule or Litha, followed by Samhain if at all possible. But any of the holidays would have done, the equinoxes, Beltaine, Lughnassadh, Imbolc. Any one of them would have sufficed.
People I trust, whose opinions matter to me, have told me that there's magic there. That's it is so bright that you can almost breathe it in, and taste it. The world is so vibrantly green and glossy that no photograph will ever do it justice, and that the shimmering life in the air and in the soil is something unspoiled and pure.
And I want to see that, and taste and feel it. I want to go, and be a part of that, for a little while. And I want to watch that sun come up across the ruins of the stone circles of Ireland, where the druids danced in celebration of the Gods, and feel the magic that's still there.
Perhaps I'm not as open and in-your-face as some, perhaps I'm not as expressive, about the things I care about. That doesn't mean that they aren't a part of me. I guess I forget that sometimes, to let out some of the more hidden bits of myself. Yes, I'd like to go and sit on a hillside, and enjoy the stone dance. Perhaps even dance myself. To think about the dreams I have, and the dreams to be, and all of the aspects of life, while in Ireland, and to stand where countless others have stood before me, and embrace the same things.
To feel their pain, and their sorrow, and their love, and their joy. And let it cycle through me and past me, and to be a part of all of it. Because it's all part of who I am, because I can't be anything more or less than that.
I have run from it, fought it, tried to break it and myself, and in the end, accepted it. And finally embraced it, and me, to become who I am now. And that's a good thing.
But I want to stand there, and look. I want to dance, and live, and love. And just be me. So perhaps not this year. Maybe it won't be next year. But I will make it there, and it will be during a festival day, a day to dance, and celebrate life.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Oh...and I missed it, and thank you
My blog has now passed 10,000 hits :) I'm very pleased. It was at 10,500 when I noticed the counter, and it's still rising today, so I actually am very happy about it, it tells me people are reading it, and interested. So, thanks to whoever is taking the time out to follow the blog!
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