It's Ezzie bedtime!

And a quote from Danny as I got ready to crash out, that I just found funny.

Halloween cat says "Fuck the sun."

With regard to our new, nocturnal habits. I think he likes them. As do I.

G'nite internets.

Arrogance

People in their arrogance, irritate me.

So I went on a raid last night, and I was really, really pleased with how well it went. Now, don't get me wrong, I was one of the lowest level players on the raid, I'm level 73. Virtually everyone else was level 80, with a couple of 75's, and two other 73's. There were altogether 40 people. So figure thirty five level 80's, and two 75's, and three 73's. We went in to do a PvP style raid, to take out city bosses, and I had what amounted to my own level 80 priest targeted on me. He was healing a grip of other people, but he had me specifically targeted for heals, to keep me alive. Which was awesome, because, well, I was one of the smallest people there. And I knew it.

Now, I was and am rather pleased, because the fact that I walked out of that raid, after nailing four major city bosses, without dying *once* means two things for me. A: it means that I'm now big enough and reasonably skilled enough to keep up with higher level players, when I have that priest with me. And B: *YAY*, I got the achievement I went in for in the first place.

But I was talking about it with someone later, and he essentially mocked me, when I pointed out that I'm now big enough to run with them. Maybe mocking isn't the correct word. That isn't it. It was more that he claimed that while I had the level 80 priest with me, his time would have been better spent keeping the *other* level 80's alive, and I'm useless and not a worthwhile contributor to such a raid.

I disagree, and my personal opinion is that since I come in a pair with that particular level 80 priest, who would not otherwise *be* running in the raid in the first place, I am very much contributing. Because they always need a skilled enough healer, who *can* keep well-geared level 80's alive. The fact that he's there to keep *me* alive, doesn't make me a liability. It simply contributes a really good healer to the raid. I'm not a detriment to the party, because no one has to keep an eye on me, except him, and he's a massive bonus to the group, because he wouldn't *be there* without me.

And it pissed me off. I rarely go along on the raids, and have declined to run, because of the fact that I'm so much lower than everyone else, and didn't *want* to be a liability. I didn't want to accidentally pull aggro on bosses, or screw up someone's plans. Now that I'm big enough *not* to? And now that I have someone running tandem to heal with me? Who makes me no longer a liability at all? Pissed me off completely.

I am thoroughly sick of the entire attitude of him, and people like him, who imply that they are better than everyone else. They play better. I'm not completely geared out, and am not at max level in the game, and thus am worthless. It's just stupid, and that's why I didn't bother to join his guild in the first place. There's no *point* in joining a guild that has that attitude. And I knew it.

I did, finally, join a PvP guild. Because that's what I enjoy, the basic idea of. But the whole attitude of "you're not worthwhile" seriously pissed me off.

I played for years with people who told me that, and who ended up with their noses rubbed in it every time they finally pushed my buttons off enough to go toe-to-toe with me. Because I don't actually suck at the game. Any game. When I bother playing at such games, I play well, and with skill. Just because I don't play them at the pace every *man* expects, doesn't negate my skill level. It simply means I don't feel a need to sit in front of the machine 23 hours a day, with the other hour being to piss and smoke, and then grind out more levels, so I can prove how "cool" I am.

I already know how cool I am.

Go suck something, ya jerks.

ARGH - my gmail account

FYI, I can't log into my gmail account at the moment. I don't know why, and I'm using a secondary account whilst I wait for the nice folks at google to get back to me. They're resetting my passwords to fix things. Apologies to all and sundry if you're trying to get in touch with me.

Thanks.

--Edit--
10:55 p.m.
All is well, slight harm, slight foul. Apologies to those affected. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Christmas, Christmas time is here...

Yeah, Merry Christmas. Holidays are officially over today, thanks be to whatever deity you want to pray to.

So, I ate stuffed manicotti, and it was tasty. Put together a chicken casserole that I'll be baking up later this afternoon, when I wake up, which pleases me, and am giving some consideration to actually making a loaf of bread by hand, because I'm that desperate for actual bread instead of the store-bought fluff I've been forced to eat since I've been without a bread machine. Fortunately, this peasant will have a new machine next week, which will make me a happy bird indeed. I've gotten spoiled on having fresh bread at my fingertips, and have missed it badly.

I have *most* of my books ready to roll for January, with the exception of two, and I'll be picking those up next week as well, when I go to sell back my others. Grades are officially up and posted, and I did indeed pull down outstanding grades across the board. Please, hold your applause for the appropriate time, I can only handle so many accolades :P

Yes, I'm a smartass, sorry about that. But yeah, I'm kind of proud of how well I did, for the first semester of college. I was very scared, and I've proven to myself now, that I can do it, even when I'm terrified. Now it's simply a matter of decided what "it" is, that I want to be when I grow up.

I have some serious thoughts in mind, which I'll be discussing at length with my counselor, because now that I have actually proven it, I need to figure out where I want to go from here. (Cue theme song for...not sure what, but I'm sure I'll come up with some sort of conquering hero theme song).

I borrowed the Wii from Danny and Mona for a couple of weeks, and have decided that I most decidedly do enjoy the ever loving hell out of it, and will want to get one for myself. I like the aspect of not sitting on one's ass, while playing. I enjoy Wii Sports, it's great fun. Yay for playing tennis in the living room. w00t.

For the basic updates here: Ezzie and I are doing fine, we're just chillin' for the day. I'll be eating that casserole, and he'll be eating kitty treats, and we'll probably watch a movie, and be slackers together on the couch for the evening. Then I'll probably run Nexus, and get myself a Red Winter Hat, and call it a day. Overall, that's my plan at any rate, to have a nice quiet day. And I'm good with that.

So, Merry Christmas, Happy Yule, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Holidays to anyone and everyone. Be happy, be healthy, be safe. Take care.

It's the end of the world as I know it...

It's the end of the world as I know it...and while I don't feel fine, I can't keep doing it anymore. Any of it. I'm by no means shutting down my blogs, or deleting my MySpace or Facebook, or any other such drastic measures, because that's akin to giving in to an addiction, and declaring I haven't the strength to fight such a thing, and the truth is, that I do have the strength. I've chosen not to.

I'm not choosing to keep embracing the pain anymore. And that pain is encompassing a lot of things. The things that hurt me are myriad, it isn't just one person, one source of injury. I don't need to keep looking at the things that hurt me. Happy Saturnalian indeed. Because the only person who truly got that reference was me, and I know it. There aren't a lot of people versed enough in the history to have caught it, that would also have seen the page. And I won't keep doing it to myself. There's no point. I won't keep looking at the page, or checking back to see what might or might not be anyplace else. I won't say that I no longer care, because that would be a flat-out lie, and I won't lie to myself. But will I beat my head against a wall anymore? No. And while the peasants will most likely gather round and rejoice, it won't do them any good, because while I made my choices to do with it, it makes no difference now to anyone except me. Had I been left alone, and not constantly smacked in the face about it, it might have been different. I didn't need to be chastised like a child because of my feelings.

And the people who can't figure out why it is that they're hurting me, it's also a lost cause. They all know why and what they're doing, but it's simply more convenient for them to ignore it, because to acknowledge what they do, would mean changing something, and it's easier for me to be the sounding board, for me to be the friend who they can pour their problems on, and be the person they can be hypocritical to, and it's always all right, as long as it's "only their problems" that make a difference, when it hurts me.

Except that it's not.

I was thinking about companionship, and what to do when it seems to have no point anymore to a positive friendship. When all it does is bring me down. Just to have friends? Is it really worth it for that? I'm beginning to think that, no, it's not. That being alone isn't so bad, in the long run.

Evidently, everyone views truth just a little bit differently. Variations on the same thing, all seen through a different scope. That's how police can tell when people are lying, at the scene of a crime. No two people ever tell a story exactly the same way, unless they have had time to corroborate their stories. Cop 101. Quantum physics tells us that reality is a series of possibilities existing side-by-side in any given moment, that it's our choices that create our version of reality.

In my reality, I'm tired of being hurt. Tired of having to explain my actions to everyone, over and over, and having things thrown into public arenas that should never be brought up there. Because that's how my "friends" seem to think is the best way to deal with me. And that tells me that at the end of the day, those aren't my friends. The other half of my "friends", operate under the assumption that my feelings are on a sliding scale basis, and are only bruiseable when it's someone else doing the injuring. Gods help the person who hurts me...conveniently excusing themselves if they punch me by their own words or actions. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not, but the end result is the same. But no tolerance is extended for someone *else* who has ever hurt me, and I can be given no leeway for my actions if I want to wallow in self-pity.

I am not permitted such. Because for me to do such a thing means that I'm unavailable to handle the problems of all of my "friends", and that is inconvenient to them, across the board. They grow weary of me having difficulties of my own, that cut into their "me" time.

And truth be told, that's unfortunate, unfair, and unacceptable. Which means that things need to change. And it's the end of something, and I need to make new decisions on how things have to be for me, which is a very practical thing. I tried one approach, and that failed. Now, I'm going to try a new approach.

I obviously don't really need people around me that are sucking the life out of me, or who are going to hit me with a constant flow of things that I don't need to hear. There's nothing that I don't already know about the decisions I'm making, and sometimes I'm simply venting, and generally say that. I ask when I need advice, I'm very good about asking if my reasoning is flawed, or if I'm unsure about my motives. Because I know that sometimes I'm not as stable in my reasons as I can or should be, and so I ask. I have enough things hurting me, to not have my "friends" hurt me too.

Assaulting the stupid, during this, our holiday time:

First, acquire a Christmas tree (for extra scratch damage). Next, attach a menorah to the top, securely fastened, and with blessed candles inserted (for extra heavy bashing power). Third, stick a Festivus pole up the trunk of the Christmas tree (to serve as added support). Fourth, light the entire tree on fire to turn it into a Yule log (for good flame damage). And finally, add in mistletoe for that decorative holiday spirit, to encompass the idea of good cheer whilst bashing the ever-living-crap out of whatever moronic idiot richly deserves it.

Brought to you by: An Equal Opportunity Holiday Elf.

Conversations

Or perhaps it was a rant. I'm not even sure anymore. I was talking to Danny about it, while I was driving back from somewhere, a couple of days ago. And I asked him if I was being fair. Today is the 21st of December. So far, this year, I haven't had anything even vaguely be sunshine and roses for me. And I wanted to know why I didn't get to have things go my way, just a couple of times a year?

That seemed like a reasonable request to me. I wasn't looking to have everything handed to me on a silver platter. I wasn't looking for happiness and joy on a day to day basis, or have sunny days every freaking day. But a couple of times a year, I should get to be happy. That seemed fair to me.

I figured that every now and then, I should get to have things work out for *me*, instead of getting to see everyone else be happy, and everyone else have things go right-side-up, while I get more and more unhappy.

And I asked him why it was, that this year, *absolutely nothing* has just gone right, with sunshine for me. And being that there are less than two weeks left, before the end of the year? When is it my turn? How come I don't get to have one this year?

Starting with New Year's Eve last year, pretty much I've had one colossal failure after another, of misery or unhappiness in one capacity or another. And I don't quite understand why the karmic gods decided to beat me over the head this year.

And so I asked Danny if I was asking too much, or if perhaps this was just how it was meant to be. Everyone else gets a turn, except me? Everyone else gets to have someone love them. Everyone else gets to have it easy, at least once in a while, except for me.

And I know he didn't have any answers, and that it isn't even a fair question, but that's how it feels. Everybody else except me, got to have at least a couple of times this year, where things went right for them. That just naturally fell the right way, and things were good.

And while I had a couple of good days this year? They were days I had to *work* for. They weren't just "good things fell for me". I did really well for school, but I busted my ass for it. I managed to keep the apartment, but I jumped through hoops left and right to make it happen. There was no easy, no simple, no sunshine and roses solution. Every single step of it was 'hold your breath and hope like hell' kind of stuff. Right to the wire, it was impossible and nerve-wracking, and things I had to fight for.

*Nothing* went right for me, right from the beginning. And so I sit, looking at the calendar, and wondering...when do I get a turn? Why does everyone else except me get to have a turn to have a happy this year? What did I do so bad, that I had to have an entire year of unhappiness? And is that what I have to look forward to, next year?

Because I'm not sure I want to bother anymore, if next year is going to be a repeat of this one.

Thank you, and please drive through.