I absolutely hate medical professionals.

Especially the ones who neglect to tell patients things that they *need* to know. Depo-provera has been recommended by the actual manufacturers to not be used for more than 3 years consecutively. I've never had any doctor tell me that. I've been on it for ballpark 10 years. So I've been sick for the last 24 hours or so, nauseous, headaches, some other stuff. Just annoying basic crap. But I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so miserable. So I went poking about. And remembered that I went off the shot. So I randomly went searching to see if maybe there were withdrawal symptoms? There are about a boatload. And a lot of other warning things that once again I've never had any doctor mention to me.

So in addition to being physically miserable, there's also the lovely aspects of hormone imbalance that has no estimated time frame for when it's over. Oh fucking yay.

So yes, pissiness all around.

Bah.

Depression

Depression sucks. Completely, there's no doubt about it. Depression is a soul-sucking, miserable experience. Chronic depression is worse. It's one thing to have a really bad day, and be bummed out about it. But when that one really bad day spirals until you feel as though everything is awful and there's no way out, that's worse. Because no matter how hard you try, looking for the bright side seems impossible.

And that's how my depression works. It's why I have anti-depressants. And I take them when I need to, which keeps me level. But I'd gone off them a couple of months ago, because things had started to run smoothly for me, and life felt great. I had hope. I had goals. I had a lot of things.

But now I've crashed, and I crashed incredibly hard. There's normally a trigger for me. And I know most of my triggers, so I avoid them like the plague. But this time, there seemed to be no specific trigger. It started out as just the blahs, and I didn't notice in time. By the time I realized what was going on, I was completely out of control.

My entire apartment has been darkened. And I mean that literally. I have my bedroom turned into a dark cave, all the time. Which makes for great sleep, but doesn't give me any inclination to wake up. The living room has curtains blocking out the sun, mostly to help with PG&E bills to conserve energy, but the end result is still darkness. And with the lack of sunlight, I get more sad. And more overwhelmed.

Fast forward to some drama, and a complete and total meltdown a few days ago. Sleeping 18-20 hours a day again, and just wanting to not deal with anything. And I woke up this morning, and realized how far I'd fallen down.

So I turned to some friends. Danny asked if I wanted to go anywhere today, and I told him no, automatically. And then mentally checked myself, and called my friend Kat. I've been meaning to go over and visit with her, because I hadn't seen her in a couple of weeks. The same weeks I've spend falling down into the dumps. Kat got a new kitten they're calling Tequila, and I wanted to meet her, so I forced myself to call her and leave the apartment. It was good for me, to get out, to get a healthy dose of Kat's persevering spirit, and the optimism that I'm sorely lacking. And I thank her for it. Dragging my ass out in spite of myself helped, and her cheery attitude also helped.

Then I called 'Chelle. She's been sick for a couple of weeks, and so I couldn't hang out with her, which also sort of added to my whole depression slump. Not in any way her fault, just one of those things. So I talked to her and she reminded me of 'fake it till you make it', or something along those lines. Pretend I'm happy, until I stop being miserable. It's how I used to deal. I could always be counted on for an acerbic comment and a dose of reality in spite of whatever was going on. Yeah, okay, most people use pretending to be happy, but sarcasm works better for me. Being cynical about the world soothes something for me. I'm good with that. So I dragged my ass into gear, and have proceeded to start moving in the forward direction again.

Life certainly isn't going to just stop revolving because I'm having problems. Time to buck up, and tackle it on my own. So I'm beginning to do just that. Today I bothered to actually cook a meal and function like a person again. I showered, I washed my hair. I played with the cat.

Tomorrow will bring a lot of housework and laundry that needs to be done, because in my funk I pretty much haven't been doing anything. Bills will need to have the numbers run, and things will start reverting to normal. Well, at least for what passes for normal for me. I'll feed the cat. I'll get some exercise, outside, in the actual sunlight. Well, maybe not in the sunlight for the exercise, but I will go outside. Clothes will get put away. Dishes will be washed. Floors will be vacuumed. Life will go on.

Whether or not I want it to, life always seems to do that, because I'm too stubborn to bother offing myself. Even at the height of my depressions, suicide never really seems like a valid answer for me. For me, getting through the day is sometimes a major accomplishment. I don't generally take the easy way out. Which is stupid of me, sometimes, but hey, that's me. So life will go on. The sun will rise, the bills will get paid. Things will go on tomorrow, they way they did a month ago.

I have to be a little more careful than normal people. Take things a little easier, so I don't accidentally send myself into a lupus flare-up, or catch some stupid illness that will knock me backwards. I can't afford to stress myself out too much, or really bad things will happen. Which is why I decided it's time to pick myself up and move on. Because I *can't* afford the stress. I can't afford to be depressed until I give up completely, and end up losing my mobility again, or worse. I won't give up everything I achieved by busting my ass to get better again, just because I had a depression spell.

I won't. I'm stronger than that.

Queue song lyrics here: (Matchbox 20 - Bent):
If I fall along the way
Pick me up and dust me off
If I get too tired to make it
Be my breath so I can walk
If I need some other loving
Give me more than I can stand
When my smile gets old and faded
Wait around, I'll smile again
Shouldn't be so complicated
Just hold me and then
Just hold me again
Can't you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put together
Keep breaking me in
And this is how we will live
With you and me bent
If I couldn't sleep could you sleep?
Could you paint me better off
Could you sympathize with my needs?
I know you think I need a lot
I started out clean but I'm jaded
Just fold me in
Just breaking the skin
Can't you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together
Keep breaking me in
And this is how we will live
With you and me bent
Start bending me
It's never enough
Till I feel all your pieces
Start bending me
Keep bending until I'm completely broken in
Shouldn't be so complicated
Just touch me and then
Touch me again
Can't you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together
Keep breaking me in
And this is how we will end
With you and me living
Without understanding
Hell, I'll go there again
Can't you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together
You're breaking me in
And this is how we end
With you and me bent


Unqueue lyrics.

Ahh, good old Matchbox 20. I think this is the end of this post. Perhaps there will be more later. Perhaps not. Maybe tomorrow. Depends on my mood.

Little birdies

Aww, how sad. So it's come to my attention that my blogspot has a very interested group reading my posts. How amusing for me, and how sad for them. I still post what I like, when I like. There hasn't really been anything for me to poke fun at in regard to them in a while, mostly because honestly, I don't care a whole lot. But hey, if they're going to do the equivalent of stalk my blogs, then it seems fair that they get what's coming to them.

Poor, unfortunately souls. It's sad, that's true. That one longing to be smarter, this one longing to be rich. That one wanted to get the girl, and guess what it do'd? (Yes, bad, I know). He got the girl, and the girl is nuts. Poor guy.

Not sure how it's got to feel, to be so desperate to be loved that you'll take whatever offers. I wouldn't know. Settling for someone to love me hasn't ever been something I needed to do.

Oh, shame on me. Being so cocky and egotistical. But it's true. I'm too smart to have fallen over the years into the desperation trap. I never particularly minded being alone, thus never had to settle for some poor schmuck to love me. Must suck to have to settle like that. It's bound to eat you up inside, dealing with something that you don't really want, just to not be alone.

I really am a bitch, right? I can hear you thinking it. And you know what? It's true, I'm quite a bitch. But that doesn't make it any less fun for me. See, I can afford to be snotty and cocky. I'm loved. I'm well taken care of. And I didn't have to settle for some half-wit lame brain to accomplish it. Yay for me. Bad for you.

Well, this little post has cheered me up some for the day. Being bad is just *so much fun*. I'd almost forgotten how much I enjoyed it. So, keep reading little birdies. If you're stupid enough to stalk me, you're also dumb enough to not realize that just walking away would have been the better choice.

Awwwww, poor little peanut. Shoo, now. Go have a nervous breakdown because someone was mean to you and mocked your poor, sad, pathetic little life.

See ya.

Decisions

I have decisions to make. I don't like it. I don't like anything about it. Danny tells me to wait a few days and think about things, so that is what I'm going to do.

I feel hurt. I feel angry. I feel betrayed and lonely. I feel a lot of things.

Which leaves me back at square one, with decisions to make.

If and when I figure out what to do, I will let all parties who need to know, know. Possibly through internet communication, since I've spent the better part of today crying about every ten minutes. And it's very difficult to cry and speak at the same time, I will stick with the ease of communication provided by the internet and email.

Hip Hip Hooray!!!

That would be three cheers for my dear friend Melissa Gartenlaub, who called me earlier this evening to pass on some wonderful news. She is the mother of three gorgeous children, and called to let me know that her complete assface of an ex-husband wants to give up his parental rights, so that her new husband (who is awesome, btw) can adopt the kids. Hip hip hooray!!! Basically, assface just doesn't want to have to pay child support in any way/shape/form, and wants to know what he can do to get out of it. Hence, the adoption of the kids to the good guy. YAY!!!

Did you notice I'm excited for her? Because I am. Totally. That news actually improved what's been quite a shitty week for me.

In other news. Microsoft basically sucks major nuts. Evidentally, in spite of the fact that they *knew in advance* that our Xbox 360 had been opened in the attempt of repairing it ourselves, since they'd mistakenly informed us that it was out of warranty, they've decided that they refuse to have anything to do with repairing the unit. Because it's been tampered with. It's still in warranty, but the warranty has been voided due to tampering. And on and on and on. Danny spent like a half hour on the phone with a tech rep who you could just tell was thoroughly stumped about how completely screwed up the whole ordeal has been. So it looks like I'll be playing my PS2 for a while. Which is fine, since there are games I can play on the PS2 that I like, and it should be fine. But Microsoft has once again proven exactly how bad they suck. We're supposed to call back in 3 days to find out if they've resolved *their* problems, and tracked down what happened. Joy.

OK. Money problems suck, check. People who used to be my friends suck, check. My parents are bonkers, check. Well, to be fair, my parents are only bonkers because they're crazy enough to be trying to move about an hour from where they are, and get married, in the same ten-day time-span. Which by my reckoning makes them freaking crazy. We're still supposed to be going up there for the wedding, but we definitely won't be staying at the house. They've already got a complete houseful. It's a hotel for us. Whee.


Gas is ridiculous right now. It's over 3.50 a gallon, and that's for the cheap stuff. So I basically am staying completely put at home, because I'm not willing to pay to drive around. I love my car, but it's a complete gas-hog. The Saturn gets great mileage, but since we don't have a lot of money, I don't really want to randomly drive around in that either. But the not-driving thing might actually accomplish us being able to pay down some on our gas credit card. That'd be nice.

I hung curtains today, in my apartment. All by myself. Well, they're sort of pretend curtains, but they're doing what I needed accomplished, and I climbed up and down on a footstool to accomplish it, so I'm kind of proud. My balance is very wonky, so I was proud that I managed to get off and on the stool without falling or getting hurt or anything stupid like that.

I used to have a program called DietPower that tracked all my eatings habits and exercise and whatnot, but it was a strictly PC based program, and it's sorely out of date and wouldn't run on my Mac anyhow. I liked using it though, because it made it a lot easier for me to keep track of things. And while I was reading through a website on Fibromyalgia and weight loss today, I stumbled across a website called FitDay. What they do is essentially what my DietPower program did. But it's web-based and free. So I signed up, and will be keeping track of things for myself on there. I haven't decided yet whether or not I want to link my account there to this account, because I'm not altogether sure I want people knowing my weight and that sort of things on the internet. FitDay has a section for journalling, and I suspect that I'll be able to journal about my weight better on there than I can here as a general thing.

My cat does not like my new curtains, as they prevent him from getting into the windows. I'm not sure how long the curtains will survive, or whether he'll eat them. We shall see. But they're pretty and a dark purple velvet. I like them. (Yes, still proud of my accomplishment).

Ok, as a last thing. Hip hip hooray again for Melissa and her family, because that really did lift my spirits today, and I needed it.

See everybody later.

Vote for President 2008

I would vote for this man, if he could manage to get all the way onto the ballot on the Democratic party nomination: Mike Gravel. Unfortunately for me, he probably won't. Nobody's really heard of him. But the issues he's platforming on are all things I agree with, and would wholeheartedly support if he can make it onto the ballot.

Check him out. It's worth looking at.