Happy Valentine's Day

It has been a long, difficult week. I thought about putting up something that reflected the trials and tribulations that have encompassed my week, and explaining why I'm feeling anxious and angry, but honestly? It's just not worth it.

And after that, I sat, and tried to come up with something that was light-hearted, and funny, to make it seem as though this has been just another carefree week, and I don't feel like doing that either.

The simple truth is, that I'm not in the mood to lay bare my issues for the masses these days. I'm feeling kind of bruised, and somewhat violated, and I don't like the feeling. And I've learned, through past experience, that writing here tends to make me feel more centered and more calm. Do I need to elaborate everything to achieve that feeling? No, I've learned that I don't.

My work for school is, I think, going well. It's difficult, and a bit more time-consuming than the first semester, and is requiring a lot more actual concentration than I had originally planned for, but by the same token, it's more rewarding. And I think that for the Fall semester, I might even have a study partner, which might be nice. We're hoping that Danny will take some classes as well, and that would be awesome. I would be so proud of him. I've always hoped he'd go to school, and I truly believe that would be good for him.

My sister and I have reconciled our differences, which, I have to admit, has taken a great weight off of my shoulders, as missing her did leave a huge hole inside of me. Having her back, and the day-to-day contact and 'normal' if there is such a thing, again, helps to center me. I don't quite know how to articulate that any better than that.

I'm currently working on a couple of short stories, that I will be working on for the next year, for submission to Clarion, only for the 2010 workshop, not the 2009 workshop. The submission date for 2009 is March 1st, and I simply don't have two 2,500-5,000 word stories ready for the applications in time this year. I will, however, for next year. And I fully intend to at least apply to try and get in. That would be a major deal for me, whether or not I get accepted, just making the attempt would be a major achievement for me.

I've done a lot of things over the last 18 months that I never really thought I could do. More and more each day, and my horizons keep expanding, and things like Clarion are just one more example to myself that I'm healing as a person, and accepting who I am. I got the official notice from FCC, telling me I had made the Dean's List, and I can go and pick up the certificate. I held it in my hands, and just kind of stared at it in shock. Seeing that I'd qualified on the website, and holding that confirmation in my hands were not the same thing. It was validation, for all that I'd worked for, and that I had achieved that goal, that I was successful at what I had set out to do.

I had finally proven to myself, that I *can*. And it was, and is, a truly amazing feeling. I'm not sure what I was expecting to feel, but it wasn't what I did end up feeling.

I simply don't view myself anymore, the way I used to. When I look at me, what I see now, is something worthwhile, and someone who matters. I matter more now, to and for myself, than I ever did, at any point that I can remember during the course of my lifetime. Part of that is because of my missing memory, and the rest of it is because of my exceedingly low self-esteem.

That's not a problem I seem to be having nearly as much anymore. It's not flawless. I won't ever be brimming with self-confidence, and I know it. But I don't walk around thinking I have no function and no value to anyone, for anything, anymore.

Someone tried to tell me that, once, that I was valuable in my own right. That's finally come to pass, and I suppose that, in and of itself, is something I should be proud of. I am, in a weird sort of way. It was a long time coming, and I certainly took the road less traveled. As always, I had to choose the one that required that I would have to use a machete to hack through underbrush to get here, instead of just seeing the pretty, clear path, that was lined with paving stones.

Oh, no. Not me. I wanted the adventure, obviously. But the end result is evidently the same.

There is no one here with me today, lying about in bed eating chocolates and cooking dinner or whatever. And today is Valentine's Day. I could, I suppose, go out and do date-type things with any number of the people that I spend my time with, but that doesn't feel right, nor is it what I'm inclined to do today. I'll probably go and see my sister. Spend some time with her kids. Feed my silly cat kitty treats, and then watch a movie, and study some more for my next exam. And curl up under a nice warm blanket, and wait for the day to pass, into the next, and so it continues...

Peace is nice. Happy Valentine's Day.

I am frustrated by a lack of information, and vexed because I'm worried, so worried that something has gone catastrophically wrong, and I have no way of knowing whether or not that's true. And this is not some matter of simply swallowing my pride, and calling to find out what happened, if it was, I'd just suck it up. It's that my presence will simply make it worse, and so I'm forced to sit here and just wait for the information to appear, somewhere. And that has to be the most stifling and impossible thing for me to deal with.

It's very hard, to know that someone is in trouble, and be powerless to help him. And to have to just wait it out until he can get hold of me, and tell me that he's at least safe and tell me how things turned out. I know he got my messages, because he sent one back telling me to just hold on, and he'll let me know what's going on, that he wants the flow of information stemmed. And I guess I understand, but it's still difficult. Because I *am* concerned, and I love him, and that places me in an impossible situation. Anything I do makes it worse, anything he does to reach me makes it worse. It all sucks equally.

I just hope he's okay.

Exhausted

I got more than a little bit over-extended today. It's almost midnight right now, and I just woke up. I've been out for almost 7 hours. I need to be more careful. I spent a part of my day today focusing and shielding at the same time, which is something I don't do often, and as a result, I was completely wiped. I didn't realize just how wiped, until I passed out, and didn't wake up.

Scared me, a little.

I've got a stack of homework to plod through this week, and a lot of errands I need to run amok and deal with, things I need to get in order. I've got to get in to see my doctor, and get some paperwork taken care of, among other things. I needed to wait out today because of the holiday, before I could handle anything.

Bill called today, which was nice, I hadn't heard from him in quite awhile, and talked to him for about half an hour, and catching up is always fun. Silly coffee addict :P I miss him.

I'm going to eat something, and go curl back up under some blankets, because I'm still freezing, and try to stay awake long enough to get some homework finished before I drop again. If I had energy drinks, I'd be drinking them right now.

My coffee addict heart is laughing out loud

So I was scanning news (if it can loosely be called that) this morning, and I stumbled onto this gem. Starbucks got stomped in a taste test. By a much cheaper brand, and Consumer Reports apparently found it to be quite the crowd pleaser. And it beat out a bunch of other normally top-ranked regulars.

I'm kind of amused, and will have to go in search of this mysterious Eight o'clock coffee.

He said/She said

Today, in an email, someone gave me a long list of people who said that I'd said this thing, or that thing, about them. And it was interesting, to read it. Because in retrospect, and I truly did have to sit and think about it for a bit, because the statements spanned several years, and my memory is rather lousy, and it involved multiple people.

And after some serious consideration, and a pen and paper, I managed to work out who said what to whom, and how the statements came to be. I had in fact actually even made some of the statements. What I found interesting about the entire situation, and what I in the end chose to not actually respond with, at length, was that the other people managed to make themselves, in every single case, look good. As though they hadn't ever said anything negative about that person in the first place.

Certainly, I'm not a saint by any stretch of the imagination, and neither is anyone else. But for the most part, a lot of the finger-pointing, and basic shit-talking that was pointed at me? Wasn't actually originated by me, and the people who passed it all along? Pointed it directly at me, as though I sat down, and slandered somebody, when in fact I just kind of was along for the ride, and I found that sort of funny.

With the notable exception of one of the people who leveled the accusations at me, every single other person on the list had told me how much they hated them. Couldn't stand them, and had spent a fair amount of time and energy spewing vitriol in their general direction.

Which just went to show how two-faced people actually can be, and are. I wasn't surprised at the notable exception, as he has, over time, proven to be quite an upstanding guy, and he tends to say what he feels, and everyone else can pretty much piss off if they don't like it. I kind of like that about him. Which is why I still like talking to him, even when we have our differences. Makes him rather lovable. In a weird sort of way.

And I really did want to sit down, and draw a picture for them, of all the crappy things the others had said, and decided it just wasn't worth it. It was a long time ago, and it doesn't much matter who said what to whom now. I suspect that some of them are still 'friends' such as it is. I'm not actually friends, or for the most part not even loose acquaintances with any of them anymore. The notable exception being the exception, and he'd know and understand my reasoning if I explained what was going on right now.

Time has passed, and a lot of us have grown up, and moved on. Some people might not have, but the two of us, apparently have. I was surprised to find that I guess we did. I told them quite clearly that I'm not looking for friends, not really. Neither am I rejecting acquaintances, simply for the sake of being snotty. Enough time has passed between us, from the past, for me to not be a bitch just to be a bitch. I honestly don't remember all of what went down between us, and there's no animosity left for me to level.

Do I trust? No. Am I going to invite them over for coffee and donuts? Nope. But am I going to send snide comments, and spread snide rumors? Nah, there's no reason. Hats off to maturity, on both our parts.

silly things that make me happy

Funny socks
Journals
New ink pens
Learning interesting things
Putting my hair up into a ponytail and realizing that there's almost two feet of hair hanging down now
Linguistics
Sweaters
Hardwood floors
Music
Watching movies together
Watching movies alone
Stamps
Corners
Books
Calendars
The Pyramid Collection
The fact that I can now wear pretty much anything *from* The Pyramid Collection's clothes
Bagels
White Chocolate Mocha
Coffee
Cookies
Hard-boiled eggs
Challah


Life makes me happy. So very many things about life, both big and small, make me happy, and all the infinite varieties that make it up please me. I want for others to be able to look at the world around them, and see that it's beautiful, and amazing, and there's so much there to experience.

There's so much love just waiting to be given, and received, and explored. Life is a gift and a joy, and a pleasure, and if I could, and I would share that perspective with the entire world. To hold close those whom I love, and show them my view of the world, so they could feel the joy in it, and the wonder, and the happiness that surrounds me. Just a little, just for a while, so they could feel that too.

Those are the things that make me happy, being able to make others happy too. Silly things, small things, the ability to see them and appreciate them, and accept them. Knowing that it isn't always about the huge things. The small things will do.

omg Chicken and Dumplings!

Are currently becoming dumplings right now, actually, which is the yay, and the yummy, all at once. Fabulous :) And later tonight, there will enchiladas, and my life will be filled with food and happiness. And more yays. But tomorrow the small one will go home which kinda sucks :( And life will go back to normal, and I'll start making lists, and taking measurements, and figuring out the weeding process of what will be kept, and what will be donated/etc for the getting ready to move, to wherever I happen to end up, once the move is complete.

It's a dual-edged sword, that one.

I got a strange message today, from someone who has photos of an old friend, and some old pics of Monkey as a baby, which is neat, and I will happily accept the photos, because hey, pics are good. I didn't realize there were still any, which is good. And also telling me that the rumor-mill is in full grind. I corrected a few assumptions, and explained my current opinion on life, and told her she can make of it what she will.

I've been saying that a lot these days. In other news, the linguistics monster keeps trying to eat me, and I swear Freud might try to murder me in my sleep. Apparently, we have differentiating views on life, and I gather he doesn't like mine. So he keeps trying to slaughter me in my sleep. I shall prevail!