I'm not actually doing anything one way or the other, about much of anything. And I'm still watching and waiting, and hearing the rumbling vibrations of the world around me. Can't escape everything entirely, no matter how much I might have tried.
So when one thing or another is brought to my attention, all I can do is kind of sigh in resignation, and shake my head. People, in their vast and glorious color, are morons sometimes. And yes, this probably does mean you. Especially if you're sitting somewhere feeling smug and conceited about something, or arrogant that you're just the perfect fucking snowflake and all the wonders of the world should be drifting down upon your shiny head.
The truth is that the reason I have chosen to do what I'm doing, and live the way I'm living, and keep to myself, and not blog about anything personal these days? Is that I got exceedingly exhausted by all the petty, drama-laden bullshit every second of every day. He said, she said, and everything in between just got tiresome. If I wanted to have someone trying to dictate my life? I'd return to being a child, and go live with my parents. But I don't want that. I have no *interest* in that.
So while I'm sure everybody is having a wonderful time sitting around in their designer shoes, and drinking their herbal tea, and discussing what wonderful people they are, and commiserating about what a stark raving bitch I am, and how they made such great decisions on staying strong and walking away? The simple fact is that I walked away. And everybody's bent about it. Which I don't quite understand, since I walked away when they told me take my bat, and my ball and be gone? Why the animosity?
I don't have any. I *like* my life. I like the people in it, I enjoy my world, and the things I do. I don't begrudge anyone else theirs, and I'm getting truly tired of the snark-fest that circles back around to me, about what a shitty person I am, because I won't conform to...what? Going back to the way it was?
I had vitriol spewed at me, and third party messages dropped in my direction in which I was informed that I was "you really are a self-centered bitch, and should have just fucking died, and u should just go kill yourself and save everyone the trouble. nobody should waste their time on u". Things of that nature, that got tedious, really quickly.
In the end, I stopped talking to anyone who had anything to do with anyone I knew. Stopped looking at anything even vaguely associated with anybody who didn't want anything to do with me. And slowly, bit by bit, the little snide digs stopped. It went from a stampede, to a flood, and then to a trickle, and now it's just a minor drip here and there. And while that's irritating, I can handle that.
I won't cut off everyone, because that would be foolish, and there are still people in my life that I value, and I won't cut off my nose to spite my face. That's childish and immature, and I see no point in it. But will I intentionally go and open doors that will incite drama? No. Will I pick up the phone, so that I can listen to an accolade about how selfish I was, and listen to a lecture, and then sit around so that people can wait for *me* to deliver heartfelt apologies? No, I'm not doing that either. I learned my lessons well, and I'm not delivering apologies anymore for things I didn't do.
Choosing to walk a path that I need to walk, to not need to listen to people tell me that my choices are wrong, and that I'm stupid for making decisions I need to make, and to tell me who I can or can't let in my life? Is not something I'm going to do. I'm not twelve, and I won't be treated like an irresponsible twelve-year-old. Who I spend my time with is my own business. Who I sleep with, who I associate with, and whether or not I get over having my heart broken into pieces within a set time frame? All things that I had to and have to cope with, without needing to feel ashamed, and devalued, simply because it would be easier on others if I would just let it all go faster, to suit what they wanted.
Perhaps I'm stupid for letting him back in. Perhaps it would be best for me to slam doors closed, when that would be more practical. Maybe I cut all the ties, and healed completely, and am now sleeping with 3/4 of California. *It doesn't matter*. It's my life, and I don't need to get permission to live it.
Hell, maybe we ran off and got married, and now I'm pregnant, and we're going to live happily ever after. Who the fuck *cares*?!? Because, honestly, I don't. I didn't. You shouldn't. I was always good about asking if I needed feedback and opinions and help. I didn't need to be given unsolicited advice, or that I'm irresponsible.
So perhaps this is the longest rant I've written in a while. And it'll probably be the last one I write with regard to the subject.
I hope, sincerely, that everything is going well for everyone. I hope that things have gotten better, that everyone is happy, and healthy. But it isn't my place to be involved in it anymore. I'm not a part of it, and that's simply the way things are. I'm finished chasing everyone down, and trying to hand out apologies for things, if I don't have reasons to. I walked away for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was that I was told to go, and the end of which being that when it was obvious that I hadn't actually hurt anybody, no one stopped me. I won't apologize for leaving when told, and at this point, I'm disinclined to change the way things are.
The trouble with leaving things in limbo for however-long they get left that way, is that when the time comes to make hard choices about life? You have to decide if you're going to risk taking a chance on rejection, or just leave things the way they stand. And that's part of being an adult. Risking being told "No, thank you. It's over, and that was a choice you made yourself."
I've had to take that risk, and it sucked for me. I did it, because I was wrong, and I sucked it up. Will I walk out and suck it up, when I'm not wrong? No, no I won't. But it's just a part of being the adult, instead of being a child.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
...I swear, you're just like a pill, but instead of making me better? You keep making me ill...you keep making me ill....
My brain simply will not sit down and shut the fuck up. And I'm trying desperately. After I put this blog online, I'm going to go and bury my head in my boring copy-typing assignments, in the hope that the tediousness of it will soothe the monster.
There's a monster inside of me, and it won't sit down, and it won't calm down and it won't leave me alone.
Peace would be nice.
There's a monster inside of me, and it won't sit down, and it won't calm down and it won't leave me alone.
Peace would be nice.
Why? Why am I doing this to myself?
Oh, that's right. Because my best bet for scholarship and grant money is based on my stupid oligoastrocytoma. And every time I actually sit down and think about the actual mechanics of it, I start thinking about the timeline. And the percentages working against me. And then I think about odds. And the malignancy. And the flashbacks. And all of the horrible other things involved in it. And it's a self-perpetuating cycle.
But the best bet I have for scholarships and grants means slogging through the internets, looking for specific brain tumor-associated grants, most of which won't actually be available until next year, but I need to start looking and bookmarking now.
It's difficult, facing up to the knowledge of what could, and might, and has and did, happen. All of it was hard. Try as I might, it doesn't change any of the basic facts of my life. I can pretend that everything is normal, and that I'm living a normal life, but in fact, I won't ever be a regular person. There are limitations that I don't like acknowledging, and things I have to handle, and that sucks.
Such as searching for scholarships, instead of just getting a fucking job. Because that would be the more practical solution, but it's not feasible. I can't do both. I don't like it, but there it is. Just little day to day things, practicalities that bother me, and I don't want to dwell on them, and distracting myself is a sure-fire way to focus on them all the more.
On a different subject entirely. I'm trying to hope for the best, and prepare for the worst, simultaneously. There's something that I truly want. But I don't want to get my hopes up, in case I can't have it. If that makes any sense. And yet, being me, I can't help but sit, and arrange things in my head, and make sketchy plans, because, well, that's what I do.
Some days, I truly hate the way my mind works.
C'est la vie.
But the best bet I have for scholarships and grants means slogging through the internets, looking for specific brain tumor-associated grants, most of which won't actually be available until next year, but I need to start looking and bookmarking now.
It's difficult, facing up to the knowledge of what could, and might, and has and did, happen. All of it was hard. Try as I might, it doesn't change any of the basic facts of my life. I can pretend that everything is normal, and that I'm living a normal life, but in fact, I won't ever be a regular person. There are limitations that I don't like acknowledging, and things I have to handle, and that sucks.
Such as searching for scholarships, instead of just getting a fucking job. Because that would be the more practical solution, but it's not feasible. I can't do both. I don't like it, but there it is. Just little day to day things, practicalities that bother me, and I don't want to dwell on them, and distracting myself is a sure-fire way to focus on them all the more.
On a different subject entirely. I'm trying to hope for the best, and prepare for the worst, simultaneously. There's something that I truly want. But I don't want to get my hopes up, in case I can't have it. If that makes any sense. And yet, being me, I can't help but sit, and arrange things in my head, and make sketchy plans, because, well, that's what I do.
Some days, I truly hate the way my mind works.
C'est la vie.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
...tired, lonely, frustrated...
I'm feeling disgustingly inferior today, and I'm frustrated. And I'm tired and it's making it all worse, and while I know that I'm probably not as inadequate as I currently feel, it isn't really helping. All I want to do is cry, and that kind of sucks. I went through my life, once upon a time, reading things and retaining them, without any effort expended on my part. Those days are over, and that's a loss that I feel, keenly.
I am confronted with it much more so, when it's time for me to take a test, and the knowledge that I used to take for granted, fails me. And I in turn end up feeling like a part of me is missing, and feel inadequate, and like a failure when the result of an exam come back not with a perfect score.
Whether that score still ranks me with an "A" or not, doesn't change, for me, that it wasn't perfect, when I know there was a time that I would have received that grade, flawlessly. And that hurts me.
And I'm so exhausted right now, from pushing my mind to its limits, asking for it to give me something I'm not sure I'm still capable of. And I'm lonely, wanting someone or something to hold, to be comforted, to have some sense of familiarity in a world that suddenly seems to be spinning further and further off its axis, in a way that I still can't decide if I'm completely comfortable with.
I placed contact with a real estate agent yesterday, to look into purchasing, if possible, property. Instead of renting, perhaps. I hadn't realized just how much the local market has changed in the last couple to three years, since the last time I had looked, really looked, at things. As it turns out, several of the condos and houses that Danny and I looked at together, that were running between 280,000 and 320,000 dollars then? Are now running between 45,000 and 70,000 now. Fresno, and I'm informed the entire rest of the country, has taken such a nosedive, that if at all possible, now would be the time for me to look into purchasing, if I can.
That will mean, well, a lot of changes for me. Changes that I am once again going to be uncomfortable, to a certain extent, with. But right now is the time, and I don't think it's going to get any better than this, if I'm going to try. I need to contact several other places, and people, and find out how someone in my situation goes about trying to own property, things like that. I honestly don't know, because I always had Danny at my side in that type of situation.
And I'm honestly kind of tired, of being alone, of being lonely. Of spending my time, wondering what's happened to my self-confidence, and to my plans. It's almost as though I've got a huge case of cold feet so much of the time now. Where do I want to live? What do I want to do?
So many changes. And because so much is swirling around me, all I want to do, is put my things into a couple of bags, and grab my cat, and take my car, and run away. And hide. Where I don't have to think, and don't have to function. And that's not a good plan, hiding away. And I know it. But it would be so much less complicated for me, than having to make these decisions, alone. It's my life, and I'm living it. One day at a time, like the proverbial recovering alcoholic. Step by tedious step, because there is no other way, or you fall into a pit of despair, and there's no way to work your way out from it.
And I don't want to fall back into that place. I don't want to be back in the darkness that I'd been in for so long, I can still remember it, all too clearly. But by the same token, living what feels, sometimes to me, as though I'm a recovering addict, is also painful.
I just wish I could look around, and feel normal. Like me again, instead of a survivor of some awful war.
I am confronted with it much more so, when it's time for me to take a test, and the knowledge that I used to take for granted, fails me. And I in turn end up feeling like a part of me is missing, and feel inadequate, and like a failure when the result of an exam come back not with a perfect score.
Whether that score still ranks me with an "A" or not, doesn't change, for me, that it wasn't perfect, when I know there was a time that I would have received that grade, flawlessly. And that hurts me.
And I'm so exhausted right now, from pushing my mind to its limits, asking for it to give me something I'm not sure I'm still capable of. And I'm lonely, wanting someone or something to hold, to be comforted, to have some sense of familiarity in a world that suddenly seems to be spinning further and further off its axis, in a way that I still can't decide if I'm completely comfortable with.
I placed contact with a real estate agent yesterday, to look into purchasing, if possible, property. Instead of renting, perhaps. I hadn't realized just how much the local market has changed in the last couple to three years, since the last time I had looked, really looked, at things. As it turns out, several of the condos and houses that Danny and I looked at together, that were running between 280,000 and 320,000 dollars then? Are now running between 45,000 and 70,000 now. Fresno, and I'm informed the entire rest of the country, has taken such a nosedive, that if at all possible, now would be the time for me to look into purchasing, if I can.
That will mean, well, a lot of changes for me. Changes that I am once again going to be uncomfortable, to a certain extent, with. But right now is the time, and I don't think it's going to get any better than this, if I'm going to try. I need to contact several other places, and people, and find out how someone in my situation goes about trying to own property, things like that. I honestly don't know, because I always had Danny at my side in that type of situation.
And I'm honestly kind of tired, of being alone, of being lonely. Of spending my time, wondering what's happened to my self-confidence, and to my plans. It's almost as though I've got a huge case of cold feet so much of the time now. Where do I want to live? What do I want to do?
So many changes. And because so much is swirling around me, all I want to do, is put my things into a couple of bags, and grab my cat, and take my car, and run away. And hide. Where I don't have to think, and don't have to function. And that's not a good plan, hiding away. And I know it. But it would be so much less complicated for me, than having to make these decisions, alone. It's my life, and I'm living it. One day at a time, like the proverbial recovering alcoholic. Step by tedious step, because there is no other way, or you fall into a pit of despair, and there's no way to work your way out from it.
And I don't want to fall back into that place. I don't want to be back in the darkness that I'd been in for so long, I can still remember it, all too clearly. But by the same token, living what feels, sometimes to me, as though I'm a recovering addict, is also painful.
I just wish I could look around, and feel normal. Like me again, instead of a survivor of some awful war.
Appareo Decet Nihil Munditia?
Once more, with feeling! Sooooo.....if you're going to be getting down, for the sake of getting down...Oh, oops, sorry Tracy, NSFW. Go work or something, and read this later. Ok, back to our regularly scheduled blog. If you're going to be screwing around with your boyfriend, there are things you should be attending to. For the sake of convenience, we're going to assume that all of you are women, and you stick strictly to men, because, well, I'm lazy at the moment. Sorry about that.
Alright. Ladies! Men? They have more body parts than *just* the penis to fondle! They really do! There's an entire body there, and you can manipulate it at will. And most men will thank you for it! They've got nipples too you know! And balls! Please to be not neglecting their balls! I'm not saying abuse them, because, well, that's just cruel. But don't ignore them either. If you're going to be down there anyhow, you might as well involve them in the fun and games.
I will include the caveat of this: Talk to your partner, ask him what he likes, doesn't like, and what feels good. There are levels of fun, and what makes him comfortable. But for the most part, you'll find that he will be a happy camper indeed, and your interest? Is going to make him feel like king of the mountain.
Don't be afraid to explore. You might just discover that it's fun. And we all know where fun leads. It leads to...once more, with feeling!
Oh, and the title translation: Is it not nifty?
Alright. Ladies! Men? They have more body parts than *just* the penis to fondle! They really do! There's an entire body there, and you can manipulate it at will. And most men will thank you for it! They've got nipples too you know! And balls! Please to be not neglecting their balls! I'm not saying abuse them, because, well, that's just cruel. But don't ignore them either. If you're going to be down there anyhow, you might as well involve them in the fun and games.
I will include the caveat of this: Talk to your partner, ask him what he likes, doesn't like, and what feels good. There are levels of fun, and what makes him comfortable. But for the most part, you'll find that he will be a happy camper indeed, and your interest? Is going to make him feel like king of the mountain.
Don't be afraid to explore. You might just discover that it's fun. And we all know where fun leads. It leads to...once more, with feeling!
Oh, and the title translation: Is it not nifty?
Monday, February 2, 2009
Service announcement about death and responsibility
Someone had a very good point recently, and I get enough traffic here now to put this online, so here it is. A lot of people around me recently have died, in one fashion or another, as a result of unforeseen circumstances, ill health, or just stupidity. But in several of those cases, none of them have left a will.
And while I understand that no one wants to think about what might happen when they're gone? It leaves a lot of trouble behind, and things to untangle and take care of, if you haven't actually made one up. So, here's a place you can go to get handy legal forms by state for such things as wills.
If you have children? You have zero excuse to not go, and get this form. None. Make damn sure your kids are taken care of, that they aren't going to land in foster care, or with gods only know who, because you were too lazy or irresponsible to not take out the ten minutes, right now, to go and download a form, and get that taken care of.
Life isn't guaranteed, and it's not predictable.
That being said, that was my public service announcement for today, and I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. I will return with something not so depressing, and responsible later. I'll think of something appropriately weird and funny.
And while I understand that no one wants to think about what might happen when they're gone? It leaves a lot of trouble behind, and things to untangle and take care of, if you haven't actually made one up. So, here's a place you can go to get handy legal forms by state for such things as wills.
If you have children? You have zero excuse to not go, and get this form. None. Make damn sure your kids are taken care of, that they aren't going to land in foster care, or with gods only know who, because you were too lazy or irresponsible to not take out the ten minutes, right now, to go and download a form, and get that taken care of.
Life isn't guaranteed, and it's not predictable.
That being said, that was my public service announcement for today, and I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. I will return with something not so depressing, and responsible later. I'll think of something appropriately weird and funny.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
the sound is rain inside of my head
No matter what I do, what I keep hearing, is the sound of rain, pattering against the windowpane, inside of my head. There is no rain outside. It's perfectly clear out there. Somehow, it's all in my mind. I have earplugs in, right now, trying to garner a silence that isn't altogether successful, but it's somewhat better, at least some of the external sounds have stopped.
I might have fallen down into an alternate reality over the last few days, into bizzaro-world. I keep sort of wondering if I'm going to wake up one morning, and find that the last couple of years didn't actually happen, and that while I can still *remember* the last couple of years? Everything is back to where it was, and I'm supposed to...what? Run-through a do-over? Make different choices, with the memory of the time in between in place, so I can change the way things happened?
Bizarre, I tell you. Looking around, and wondering how it is that I appear to have falling into alternate reality world is disconcerting at best, disturbing at worst.
To the point that my speech goes in and out at random, because I've been that disturbed. I'm not angry, I'm not ready to rip people's heads off. It's just weird. Monkey isn't a child anymore. She's all teenage angst and attitude. She's tall, and filling out, and almost unrecognizable. She'll be happily slouching down the road to slacker with lofty goals in no time. (eyeroll)
All kidding aside, few more years, and she actually *will* be an adult. I came right smack up against that last night, looking at the now-grown Jackie, who is going to be *nineteen* shortly. I know how old she is, but in my mind she's still 'munchkin', the ten-year-old, who was struggling with her math homework. And she's beautiful, and she's got a job, and a car, and a life. It's obvious that she's a young woman, with life ahead of her...and that Monkey's fast headed that way.
Bizarro-world, everybody on board? I'm looking for a new apartment, which will more or less solidify the rest of the changes to the life I've made, which sort of threw me, when I realized what it meant. I want to be closer to school. I know what I want, in an apartment, and why I want it. I have this list of must-haves, and wants, and places I refuse to live. And at the end of the day, it will be exactly the way I want it to be.
....
(sometime later)
....
So much trouble focusing. I keep thinking that something is off with my meds, that I'm having this much trouble focusing, or it might be that I need some serious sleep. I'll have to figure out which, and respond accordingly. I've done more than 3/4 of my school assignments, which means theoretically I can call it quits, and finish the other bits tomorrow. Linguistics, Psych, and Mgmt, oh my! I can more or less toss the typing class out in about fifteen minutes flat, which is handy, and that's the one I haven't done yet. But I have a tests due Wednesday, that I'm going to need to study for tomorrow, and discussions that will need thought as well. It's more in-depth than the first semester, but at the same time, also much more interesting.
Next semester, I really want to take a sign language course, and several more Psych courses, and there were some sociology classes I want. But almost all of them are on-campus things, ergo, why I want to be closer to the campus. Gas prices will kill me if I have to go back and forth every day. Sigh. But I think I might be okay now, with actually taking more of my classes as a 'regular' student. I'm at least more willing to give it a shot. I need to discuss it with my counselor. She's awesome.
And by next semester, I will have decided for sure what it is that I want to do, SW or law. That will decide what transfer courses I need to be lined up for as well. And my life will then get infinitely more complicated, as I'll have to start taking courses that are difficult for me, like math classes.
We shall see.
I might have fallen down into an alternate reality over the last few days, into bizzaro-world. I keep sort of wondering if I'm going to wake up one morning, and find that the last couple of years didn't actually happen, and that while I can still *remember* the last couple of years? Everything is back to where it was, and I'm supposed to...what? Run-through a do-over? Make different choices, with the memory of the time in between in place, so I can change the way things happened?
Bizarre, I tell you. Looking around, and wondering how it is that I appear to have falling into alternate reality world is disconcerting at best, disturbing at worst.
To the point that my speech goes in and out at random, because I've been that disturbed. I'm not angry, I'm not ready to rip people's heads off. It's just weird. Monkey isn't a child anymore. She's all teenage angst and attitude. She's tall, and filling out, and almost unrecognizable. She'll be happily slouching down the road to slacker with lofty goals in no time. (eyeroll)
All kidding aside, few more years, and she actually *will* be an adult. I came right smack up against that last night, looking at the now-grown Jackie, who is going to be *nineteen* shortly. I know how old she is, but in my mind she's still 'munchkin', the ten-year-old, who was struggling with her math homework. And she's beautiful, and she's got a job, and a car, and a life. It's obvious that she's a young woman, with life ahead of her...and that Monkey's fast headed that way.
Bizarro-world, everybody on board? I'm looking for a new apartment, which will more or less solidify the rest of the changes to the life I've made, which sort of threw me, when I realized what it meant. I want to be closer to school. I know what I want, in an apartment, and why I want it. I have this list of must-haves, and wants, and places I refuse to live. And at the end of the day, it will be exactly the way I want it to be.
....
(sometime later)
....
So much trouble focusing. I keep thinking that something is off with my meds, that I'm having this much trouble focusing, or it might be that I need some serious sleep. I'll have to figure out which, and respond accordingly. I've done more than 3/4 of my school assignments, which means theoretically I can call it quits, and finish the other bits tomorrow. Linguistics, Psych, and Mgmt, oh my! I can more or less toss the typing class out in about fifteen minutes flat, which is handy, and that's the one I haven't done yet. But I have a tests due Wednesday, that I'm going to need to study for tomorrow, and discussions that will need thought as well. It's more in-depth than the first semester, but at the same time, also much more interesting.
Next semester, I really want to take a sign language course, and several more Psych courses, and there were some sociology classes I want. But almost all of them are on-campus things, ergo, why I want to be closer to the campus. Gas prices will kill me if I have to go back and forth every day. Sigh. But I think I might be okay now, with actually taking more of my classes as a 'regular' student. I'm at least more willing to give it a shot. I need to discuss it with my counselor. She's awesome.
And by next semester, I will have decided for sure what it is that I want to do, SW or law. That will decide what transfer courses I need to be lined up for as well. And my life will then get infinitely more complicated, as I'll have to start taking courses that are difficult for me, like math classes.
We shall see.
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