It's been a long time - and I hope you're still here!

It really has been quite a while, and I have some good reasons, and I have some really lousy reasons. Maybe I'll get into them.

I'll start things off with a bang, by saying my blog *is* back, and should be active once again, not this bullshit every once-in-a-blue-moon deal. Sorry about that, for those of you who actually did read it regularly, and missed me.

I can't guaranty that it'll be as much fun as it used to be, but at least it won't be dead. Being able to read, (sort of), write (again, sort of) and have opinions (definitely!) again, means that I'll have to sit and blather on *somewhere*, ergo, here I am!

But really, I've been out of the loop, and I'm just now starting to get back in the groove. Also, I'm back in school, working on my Bachelor's degree. Figure since everyone else in existence has had a good time screwing around with my brain, it's about time I get a degree so *I* can screw  around with everybody else's!

In that vein, in another year or so, you can look for Controversy in a supermarker near you, peddling my wares as a trained and licensed psychologist, specializing in working with teenagers. All kidding aside, that's what I've wanted to do when I grow up for quite a while, and that dream is actually within my grasp now. So close, in fact, I can practically taste it. It tastes damn good too.

For those who are interested, the school I'm attending is the American Military University, which is an online-only fully accredited university, which is also open to the public. So don't be put off by the "military" in the name. Essentially, it's teh awesome, right down the line. People from all over the freaking world attend there, and it's pretty much top-notch. Also, they've got fields for degrees that are actually *useful* in the current market, unlike an awful lot of traditional schools. And yes, they have financial aid, etc. So if you're thinking about going back to school, at least go and take a look.

So, let me think...what's going on in my life, aside from my poster-board add for the University? Oh, right. My grandmother passed away in April, and that sucked great big donkey balls, and I took it hard, a lot harder than I had thought I was going to. I'd known it was coming (she was 98, so, you know, it was sort of predictable), but it still felt like somebody hit me with a 2x4 in the gut. And a week and a half ago, my grandfather-in-law passed away, which I also knew was coming, and ended up having the same damned feeling. Which sucked, and is also irritating. I really, truly thought I was prepared. Turns out? When you love someone? No amount of preparation changes a damned thing.

I lost a bunch of weight. I gained a bunch of weight. I lost some of it again. Gained a bit, lost a little. Seems to be holding steady for right now. My hair finally started growing, yay! And, as I'd be warned, it's curly as all hell, unless I blow it dry. And even when I do that, it's still pretty wavy. I'm okay with that, because honestly? It looks pretty good on me.

Over the last couple of weeks, the weather finally got warm, and I finally decided I no longer give three craps about what anyone thinks about my jiggly butt, or my arms, or anything else, actually, so I've been running around in tank tops and shorts, and as a result, I've got a fairly nice tan going on. One I haven't had in....oh, I'd say going on about ten years now. Which feels nice, since I'd started to feel like Casper the not-so-friendly-ghost. Even my hair is getting its share of nature highlights, so I may start looking like myself again, instead of...not me? I don't know. But with the new contact lenses, (yay, I can see!), a tan, my hair long again, the highlights the way it used to be. Even if I'm still heavy, I can move around, I can swim, I *feel* like me, so much more than I have in years.

I'm sitting here, curled up in a ball, a black cat with me, music in my ears, keyboard under my fingers, looking as my thoughts flow out. It feels so *normal*. Maybe that's what I needed, to sit here, looking at the computer, looking at my blog, writing to you - the people who used to be my listeners. And I feel in some very deep rooted way, complete, happy, real - in a way I haven't felt in so long I honestly can't remember.

This post is the 500th on here, and perhaps, no, I know why I haven't been writing until now. I had things to say, but I didn't want to just say "oh, hi, I'm not dead, see you later" as the post of the 500th.

Maybe that's vain. And that's alright, because I had to climb several big-ass mountains, and fell down quite a few times before I get to the top. But I made it, and I'm here. And and may not be whole. I'm definitely not the same. But I made it, and I didn't give up, and that's saying something. I haven't given up, given in, or or quit. And I won't. I still have a life to live, and I still have goals, and I'm still determined to reach them.