--a noteworthy aside--

Don't follow me to try and be like me, because there's not really a reason. Don't base your self-worth on what I'm doing. What I do, or don't, or choose to do shouldn't have any impact on anyone's life but my own. I'm sorry when my choices hurt someone else, I truly am, but I've long since stopped doing anything based on whether or not it's going to impact anyone else's life, and other people should do the same.

Whether I write something, update something, edit something, make things visible or not has nothing to do with anything that's visible to the general population of the internet. It's just not as a general rule. There are some days that I change out something, just because I decided that I wanted to match the background of my text editor to my new hair color, or what color shoes I have on. It's often just as random as that, and as thoughtless.

I know that, frequently, I get calls and emails because people think that what I'm writing is in direct relation to something having to do with them. Or that they've been locked out of something, or that I'm upset with someone. The truth is, I probably heard something on the news, read it on a blog, or saw something in a cloud that made me think a weird thought, and it ended up online, or made me want to switch out a setting, and there's no reason to think it had anything to do with anyone.

Imitation is not the most sincere form of flattery. It's more of a lack of being able to think of anything original for yourself. *sigh* I should know, I'm usually the person who thinks up something first, and then looks around and realizes a lot of people are now imitating me, and wanting to be like me, and I then stop doing something I was enjoying, because I don't *like* sycophants, and mindless drones who want to orbit around me trying to be like me. I'm sure other people enjoy having an entourage, but I'm not one of them. I don't *want* the spotlight, I don't *want* to be the center of attention. I never did, it just sort of was a side effect of what I'm told is an overwhelming personality.

I used to claim that I just don't see it, the effect I have on people, that I'm oblivious to it. But the truth is that I'm aware now, that people are drawn to me. But I'm not asking for that, and I don't crave it. I'm aware that it's there, but I'm not going seeking the attention. A lot of people hate me for it. Mostly women, the ones who want the spotlight, and the attention and who want to have those admirers. I've learned finally to accept and deal with that.

I was told recently that there can only be one "queen" in a group of people, and that's true. But I have no desire to be that "queen". I'm just here, and if people want to attempt to follow my lead, I can't prevent that. But I'm very tired of being imitated, and extremely exhausted by the amount of vitriol spewed in my direction by the people who want that attention, and the followers who I guess decided they liked me, or whatever it is that I'm doing. The people who can't share a spotlight, and as a result spend their time bashing me, and trying to tear me down to make themselves look better. In the long run, it doesn't do any real damage to me, because I've learned that I'm a good enough person that the lies jealous people spread tend to twist in on themselves, and people still like me. But in the short term? It's a pain in my ass.

I'm not sure why it is that people want to base their self-esteem on how many people like them anyhow, but I more or less accept that there are people like that. I'm not out to collect friends, and hold a popularity contest. I simply don't care enough to bother. I have my circle, and my circle is secure. I like the people I like, and they're good enough judges of character that they don't really need to have a popularity contest either. But while trying to join in 'regular' groups, and hanging out at random events, it becomes tedious. Which is why I rarely bother. It feels like high school, and ridiculous. At my age, who needs the aggravation?

--sun rise, sun set--

Time passes, even when no one is paying any attention. It just keeps rolling right on by. It's almost September, will be in a couple more days. This is the third week of school for me, took and bombed a test, although I aced a couple of others, so it's balancing out. Been writing papers, and more papers, and yet more papers. Accidentally took a course that's a short class, without realizing it, which explains why I feel like I'm drowning in assignments of writing as it turns out.

The classwork is, for the most part, interesting when it's not being so overwhelming that I kind of want to scream. And that's okay too. I'm used to that. It looks like I'm finally going to get some help in here, to take the pressure off with a lot of other things around the house, so I'm not stressed out about so many other things, and that will help. With my attention divided so many ways, and constantly worrying about things that I shouldn't need to worry about, so I can actually focus on my studying, that will smooth out, at least inside of my head with regard to my education.

Next semester, I'll start studying sign language in depth. By the time I'm finished, I *should* end up completely fluent in it, and with the ability to translate for others, in addition to being able to use it for my personal use. And that makes me happy. I'm sort of, at the back of my mind, wondering if it might be worthwhile to teach it. That keeps coming and going as a passing thought though.

In my personal life, as much of it as I'm willing to actually discuss on the intarwebs? Things are...yeah,they're actually going so well it's truly disgusting. There are some days that I'm half-tempted to float little balloons, and hang streamers, and gloat a little. Granted, it's not always sunny, because, well, nothing's perfect, and that would be ridiculous to hope for. But overall? I took a huge risk two months ago, and it paid off, in spades. And I'm happy. I wasn't sure I would be, and I'm still insecure sometimes, but those insecurities are my own, and I'm well-loved and I know it. And when I don't know it? All I need to do now is say that to get the reassurances that I need. Well, at least I do when I'm not being stubborn about not saying anything. And no one can do anything about my stubborn streak. And fairly regularly, I don't even need to say anything to get reassured. It's kind of nice.

Maybe we'll graduate from college like normal people, and ride off on horseback into the sunset, and live happily ever after, you know? And do the things that happy people do, and be happy. My instinct tells me that it's in our best interest to do it far, far from where we currently live, but hey, that might just be because I don't like the town I live in. *shrug*

So, yeah, that would be what's going on in my life. Things are going on, the way things do, and my grades are good, and my bills are getting paid, well, some of them at any rate. And I'm in a secure, committed relationship with someone I love, and I more often than not don't want to kill him, or me, and my cat is happy and healthy, and I should be getting my car fixed eventually. The world continues to turn, and the sun rises and sets.

just another brick in the wall

It's strange to me to look at something, and recognize it for what it is. I've been reading a story recently, and it's a good one, the writing is decent, the storyline is interesting and all. But it's still depressing to read. Because I can recognize it for what it is, and always have been able to. Anyone who is familiar with the author would recognize it for what it is. I suppose that might actually be what makes a good author, the ability to take the dreams you want most, and put them down on paper. Something that could be publishable to the masses. Unless of course that you're living in some place where that fiction is real. That might actually be dangerous. Not sure. Either way, it's an interesting story.

At any rate. School's back in session, and I'm swamped again. I think I might have taken a little too much onto my plate, although that might smooth out a bit once I get into a routine. I so desperately hate the 'introduce yourself and come up with banal things to say to the other students for the first week of class along with writing whatever the actual assignments are' bullshit.

I need to go and get a fix-it ticket signed off at DMV, and run down to the courthouse to pay it, and then that'll be done. There are a few other errands I'm supposed to be doing right now, but what I'm doing is writing this, because I needed to take a slight break from the normal patter that's been my life for the last week and a half, and decompress. I also need to check my mail.

Oh...I'm not sure how many students read my blog, but for those who do, if you're still buying textbooks in the traditional fashion, I'm using a new service, renting them for the semester...it saved me several hundred dollars this semester by doing it this way. Check it out: www.chegg.com is a place that both rents out the textbooks, which you can buy if you decide you like or want to keep them, and they plant trees for using the service. It's pretty neat. And, bonus, a crapload of money saved. And since I'm spending a shitload of money on books, as anyone who's in college can attest on books, it's a good thing to check out. My public service announcement for the day or something.

I'm kind of feeling run ragged, which is why this is so snarky. I got a new printer, as Phillip gave me one, which was massively helpful, so I didn't end up needing to shell out a couple hundred dollars, and it does all the bells and whistles things that I needed a printer to do. It's pretty nice. I have my computer working in tandem with my television so I can watch things streaming from it, since Danny set me up to do that, and I've been rather enjoying that when I have spare time. I've made a few new friends, and have actually *gasp* gone out to a couple of parties and barbecues over the last month or so. But really though, for the people who have been sending comments asking if I'm doing alright, yes, I am.

I've been tired, and I've been offline because I've been busy, but I'm doing okay. I took up a couple of new hobbies, I've been busy with school and my boyfriend, and things are doing alright. I've been mostly happy, with the occasional bouts of depression because my medications have been being tinkered with, and I've had to cope with the side effects that come with that. Other than that, all is well. But I appreciate the concern.

There are a few people that I miss from my life that aren't here. And there are some people who are gone now that I'm kind of glad are gone, because my life is easier without them in it. All in all? Things are just kind of moving along, the way things do. I hope everyone out there in the internet world is doing well too. I hope they have the things they need, and are happy and healthy.

Laterz, internets.

I'm alive

I'm alive, and I will post a more interesting, and lengthy, blog later today or possibly tonight. I got a comment from someone asking me for updates, and I will post something as requested, but I need to get to school.

Magic: The Gathering - Cruxshadows/Winterborn

Almost five years after I bought 3000 cards, I'm finally learning to play Magic: The Gathering. Only took me a little while, right? I'm told that the style I'm learning to play is called, um, damnit, I don't actually remember what it was called now. But it's where I build a custom deck, and attempt to slaughter other people for fun. It's entertaining. Not that I have any idea what I'm doing, but it's still fun. And no, I'm not planning on hanging out and trying to beat people at tournaments, this is for personal entertainment, and as a hobby.

So yes, I guess this is another thing to chalk up to on the 'geek' meter, that I've acquired a taste for 15 years after everybody else. Nothing new there, right? *laughs quietly to myself*

Oh, and if anyone noticed the new song playing on my playlist, it's something I actually read a bit from in a novel I was reading from, called "Winterborn" by The Cruxshadows, and really liked it, and so I went to go hear the entire song, liked that too, as a result, it's getting playtime here, to irritate and or entice anyone who might like it.