At the end, it doesn't matter anymore, who did what to whom. The petty insecurities that tied me into knots have long since unraveled, and the gashes that were left across my heart have healed. They're tender yet, I've left off trying to pretend, even to myself, that they're not. I'd be doing myself a disservice to try and believe that I can be anything other than who and what I am, now.
Memory is a strange and wondrous thing, it gives the ability to start healing a wound, given enough time, and enough distance. Close proximity would have made it impossible, a fact which I couldn't actually grasp then. I'm only barely grasping it now, and that's only possible because now when I look at the circumstances, and at the memory, when I take it out of the box, I don't have a burning desire to be back in that place, and relive it. I don't want it anymore. It still hurts, yes, but not the screaming, blasting pain that it was. I'm not certain the dull ache will ever completely leave.
I can live with that. And some of the good memories remain, and that's enough. I can open the memory box, look, smile, and put it away. And move forward.
When the present finally started being something I embraced, instead of something I only tolerated because I had to get through the day was when I realized that I was healing, instead of surviving. I was no longer a victim of some invisible war with myself. And it felt good, to feel that, to know it. There are people who helped me get to this point, and I've thanked them, and will continue to draw on that support, because without them I wouldn't have made it, and I know that.
I'm not as strong as I thought I was. As strong as I'd always believed myself to be. And I am strong. The basic components that make me, me, are still intact, in spite of the damage, and having felt like I went through an emotional holocaust. I hope never to feel that way again, but I'm very much aware of the reality of life. That it might happen again.
With accepting new possibilities comes risk. Those risks are what make available the opportunity for the potential for such unimaginable reward. And to a certain extent I crave that. I miss the feeling of closeness with someone, of being held, and comforted and understood. Am I in a hurry to the possibility of pain? Of course not. But the companionship of that simple connection is what I missed most when my world exploded.
It wasn't the sex, it was the simple, easy connection of being understood and understanding someone who was my friend. Someone to while away the time doing mindless things, discussing random knowledge, and exchanging ideas. I *miss* that. And I cut myself off so completely from everyone, because I was too afraid to let anyone close, afterward. It hurt too much, and I was simply too scared.
The fear has receded. And finding myself again, albeit slowly, is beginning to make me like myself again. I feel as though the blades that went through my heart are clean, now, and only the scars remain.
And I know well, that even scars can become invisible given enough time. I've made a conscious effort recently to go out, to meet people, to try new things. To let others in, and explore myself more. Much the same way I attempted to explore myself when things ended with Danny and I, I'm cautiously finding my footing again.
It feels...I won't say good, but I will say better, to be me again. I like feeling this way.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Painful possibilities - Polyamory
I'm going to preface this entire blog with: For those of you who either don't know, or are going to gasp in abject horror now? Skip the lectures, the sanctimonious glaring, or the judgments. If you don't know what "polyamory" is, go check it out. If the entire idea here freaks you out completely? Just stop reading now, and pretend you didn't see any of it, and go on about your business.
For me, *this link* is going to be the more helpful piece of information, and the one I'll be referring back to, while I'm writing. So I'm still walking along the path of 'what if' and possibilities. Practical and impractical conclusions, and the random things that dart around in my brain during the day and more often in the middle of the night, when I can't sleep, and can't make the spinning stop.
Which leads me, once again, to here. I can see how this world is appealing, especially as it's the path I've traveled before and was reasonably happy there. When I was younger, without understanding exactly what I was doing, I now grasp that what I was, and how I behaved, was polyamorous. And I was happy. The way I love, how I love, is based on being happy for myself, and a distinct lack of jealousy, because what I ultimately tend to want? Is to have the people I love the most, be happy. Something in me is hardwired in such a way as to be able to share, and look at my partner be happy, and as long as I'm also loved, I am still happy and content.
The trouble, right now, that I'm having with everything that's going on inside of me, inside my head, is that I'm single. And from what I grasp, what I understand, about me, about polyamory, about things in general, is that in the long run if I were to get involved with anyone right now that isn't also completely single in the way that I am?
Someone might get hurt. Several of my friends have been wounded recently, because people they care for, have found 'primary partners', and they've been left behind. And I sit, and I watch, and it leads me to give grave consideration now, to what it really means, to become entrenched into that world, as a single woman, being mixed in as a secondary partner. Yes, my feelings would be what they would be. That is true, on all levels. I have no doubt of that.
But I also know, that in some way, at some point, were I to meet, and develop feelings for someone who is 'single' in the technical sense? What would happen then? Would I also be left having to make a choice, to become part of a core relationship? And does that then put the same types of rules and restrictions on me, that are on some of the other already partnered people? I understand that to maintain your core relationship, your base loyalty is to that partner. That makes perfect sense to me. The core remains strong, to nurture, and you branch out from there.
Except, I have no core relationship. I am, and will continue to be, a secondary to anyone I become involved with. Which, for right now, is fine, and precisely what I want. But somewhere down the road, that might not be the case, and I don't like damaging people. I don't like seeing the pain in the eyes of people I care about, and knowing that I put that pain there. And in order to develop something more, something deeper, who ultimately would my loyalty be to?
I don't know. And I wish that I did know, because that would be easier for me. I can see both sides of the coin. Because of my ultimate views on marriage, I'm not in any fashion in a hurry to settle down.
I feel...conflicted. Confused, and twisted up inside. The easy solution here, would be to simply go, and continue dating in the monogamous world, except that isn't really an answer for me either. I tried that, and it backfired, and failed utterly. I was unhappy, and kept searching for something that wasn't there, and it's the emotional ties that I kept forming, that made me feel as though I was constantly cheating that tell me this choice is correct.
I seem to be going around and around in a circle. There's no easy answer for me, and not really anyone I can just sit down and say "please, give me the solution". I want there to be.
I want it to be easy. I wish I could be less complicated, and just fall in love, and want to get married and have babies, and do all the things that everyone always wanted me to do. But that isn't me. And now, here I am. Still confused, and alone, and not sure which way to turn, and which way to walk, or how to find my way.
And that hurts, and it's difficult.
For me, *this link* is going to be the more helpful piece of information, and the one I'll be referring back to, while I'm writing. So I'm still walking along the path of 'what if' and possibilities. Practical and impractical conclusions, and the random things that dart around in my brain during the day and more often in the middle of the night, when I can't sleep, and can't make the spinning stop.
Which leads me, once again, to here. I can see how this world is appealing, especially as it's the path I've traveled before and was reasonably happy there. When I was younger, without understanding exactly what I was doing, I now grasp that what I was, and how I behaved, was polyamorous. And I was happy. The way I love, how I love, is based on being happy for myself, and a distinct lack of jealousy, because what I ultimately tend to want? Is to have the people I love the most, be happy. Something in me is hardwired in such a way as to be able to share, and look at my partner be happy, and as long as I'm also loved, I am still happy and content.
The trouble, right now, that I'm having with everything that's going on inside of me, inside my head, is that I'm single. And from what I grasp, what I understand, about me, about polyamory, about things in general, is that in the long run if I were to get involved with anyone right now that isn't also completely single in the way that I am?
Someone might get hurt. Several of my friends have been wounded recently, because people they care for, have found 'primary partners', and they've been left behind. And I sit, and I watch, and it leads me to give grave consideration now, to what it really means, to become entrenched into that world, as a single woman, being mixed in as a secondary partner. Yes, my feelings would be what they would be. That is true, on all levels. I have no doubt of that.
But I also know, that in some way, at some point, were I to meet, and develop feelings for someone who is 'single' in the technical sense? What would happen then? Would I also be left having to make a choice, to become part of a core relationship? And does that then put the same types of rules and restrictions on me, that are on some of the other already partnered people? I understand that to maintain your core relationship, your base loyalty is to that partner. That makes perfect sense to me. The core remains strong, to nurture, and you branch out from there.
Except, I have no core relationship. I am, and will continue to be, a secondary to anyone I become involved with. Which, for right now, is fine, and precisely what I want. But somewhere down the road, that might not be the case, and I don't like damaging people. I don't like seeing the pain in the eyes of people I care about, and knowing that I put that pain there. And in order to develop something more, something deeper, who ultimately would my loyalty be to?
I don't know. And I wish that I did know, because that would be easier for me. I can see both sides of the coin. Because of my ultimate views on marriage, I'm not in any fashion in a hurry to settle down.
I feel...conflicted. Confused, and twisted up inside. The easy solution here, would be to simply go, and continue dating in the monogamous world, except that isn't really an answer for me either. I tried that, and it backfired, and failed utterly. I was unhappy, and kept searching for something that wasn't there, and it's the emotional ties that I kept forming, that made me feel as though I was constantly cheating that tell me this choice is correct.
I seem to be going around and around in a circle. There's no easy answer for me, and not really anyone I can just sit down and say "please, give me the solution". I want there to be.
I want it to be easy. I wish I could be less complicated, and just fall in love, and want to get married and have babies, and do all the things that everyone always wanted me to do. But that isn't me. And now, here I am. Still confused, and alone, and not sure which way to turn, and which way to walk, or how to find my way.
And that hurts, and it's difficult.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Cruelty
Controversy: my cruel streak could easily get out of hand, given that sort of leeway
I won't do that/risk that
And I do have one.
xxx: what sparks your cruel streak?
Controversy: I don't know
xxx: i think everybody does
Controversy: and I have no desire to find out
but having someone who *wants* to be placed in that position?
just...no
I know how very capable I am of decimating someone
I didn't like it
xxx: i think i sparked my wife's cruel streak - she treats me as though i should be a submissive
when did you decimate someone?
Controversy: it's been a long time
I'm not that person anymore
xxx: well, that's a good thing
xxx: <--- has no desire to be decimated by anyone
Controversy: most people don't
xxx: i prefer flight to fight - as a cancer, i tend to just crawl into my shell and not let anybody in
****
That was a conversation that I was having, and I was actually discussing quite a bit of other stuff, fairly in depth, but the excerpt was what caught my attention. Yes, I can be cruel. I *have* been cruel, in the past, and vindictive and spiteful. I'm human.
Am I proud of that? That there's a part of me that has that capability, to be cruel, and completely decimate someone's life? No, I'm not. That was living a life that I'm not anymore. But that knowledge is there, and the simple fact of that knowledge is enough to keep me off that ledge, even in a limited capacity. I do not like the way it feels, to cause that kind of pain.
I know that there are things about me that I can control, facets of my personality that I work on, to improve, to facilitate my day-to-day life, to continue being me. I know that there are some things that I simply have to deal with, such as my speech aphasia, and that are just the way that it is.
But the cruel streak? That isn't something I just had to accept. And I didn't. Violent tendencies were also not something that were just written off as 'oh well'. And there are ways to cope, behavioural modifications to cope, to handle, to direct into other channels.
I know I have flaws, I have mountains of them. I am self-aware enough to be conscious of at least some of them. And to have been working on, or have worked out, some of them. It's a process, an ongoing one. I'm never going to be perfect, but I'm a lot better now than I was a year ago. I'm great leaping mountains better than I was five years ago, and the person I am today isn't even recognizable as the person I was when I was a teenager.
And those were conscious choices, and I'm proud of that. And I worked hard to have earned that right, to be proud of myself, and who I have become. So when I say that I don't choose now to want to be cruel toward anyone, even accidentally? I understand my statement, and why. When I state that I don't like hurting people, physically or emotionally? I'm self-aware enough to grasp what I mean, and it's not a slip of the tongue.
I like harmony, I like being in control of myself. Certainly, I wish that I was made of rainbows and sugar and everything was all fluff and light. And that I didn't have demons to battle, and didn't need to make conscious choices, to keep those demons at bay. That would be wonderful. But the truth is, that I do. And because I know that? I will live my life, my way. And that way is to be happy, and be secure, and live and love the people I choose, and make them as safe and happy and loved as I can, because I *don't* want to see pain in their eyes, or in anyone else's, because of actions I chose.
And that is something I can control. What I do? That's within my grasp. My decisions, my actions, my choices. My responsibility, as far as it extends, to cause harm to no one. That keeps me at peace with myself.
I won't do that/risk that
And I do have one.
xxx: what sparks your cruel streak?
Controversy: I don't know
xxx: i think everybody does
Controversy: and I have no desire to find out
but having someone who *wants* to be placed in that position?
just...no
I know how very capable I am of decimating someone
I didn't like it
xxx: i think i sparked my wife's cruel streak - she treats me as though i should be a submissive
when did you decimate someone?
Controversy: it's been a long time
I'm not that person anymore
xxx: well, that's a good thing
xxx: <--- has no desire to be decimated by anyone
Controversy: most people don't
xxx: i prefer flight to fight - as a cancer, i tend to just crawl into my shell and not let anybody in
****
That was a conversation that I was having, and I was actually discussing quite a bit of other stuff, fairly in depth, but the excerpt was what caught my attention. Yes, I can be cruel. I *have* been cruel, in the past, and vindictive and spiteful. I'm human.
Am I proud of that? That there's a part of me that has that capability, to be cruel, and completely decimate someone's life? No, I'm not. That was living a life that I'm not anymore. But that knowledge is there, and the simple fact of that knowledge is enough to keep me off that ledge, even in a limited capacity. I do not like the way it feels, to cause that kind of pain.
I know that there are things about me that I can control, facets of my personality that I work on, to improve, to facilitate my day-to-day life, to continue being me. I know that there are some things that I simply have to deal with, such as my speech aphasia, and that are just the way that it is.
But the cruel streak? That isn't something I just had to accept. And I didn't. Violent tendencies were also not something that were just written off as 'oh well'. And there are ways to cope, behavioural modifications to cope, to handle, to direct into other channels.
I know I have flaws, I have mountains of them. I am self-aware enough to be conscious of at least some of them. And to have been working on, or have worked out, some of them. It's a process, an ongoing one. I'm never going to be perfect, but I'm a lot better now than I was a year ago. I'm great leaping mountains better than I was five years ago, and the person I am today isn't even recognizable as the person I was when I was a teenager.
And those were conscious choices, and I'm proud of that. And I worked hard to have earned that right, to be proud of myself, and who I have become. So when I say that I don't choose now to want to be cruel toward anyone, even accidentally? I understand my statement, and why. When I state that I don't like hurting people, physically or emotionally? I'm self-aware enough to grasp what I mean, and it's not a slip of the tongue.
I like harmony, I like being in control of myself. Certainly, I wish that I was made of rainbows and sugar and everything was all fluff and light. And that I didn't have demons to battle, and didn't need to make conscious choices, to keep those demons at bay. That would be wonderful. But the truth is, that I do. And because I know that? I will live my life, my way. And that way is to be happy, and be secure, and live and love the people I choose, and make them as safe and happy and loved as I can, because I *don't* want to see pain in their eyes, or in anyone else's, because of actions I chose.
And that is something I can control. What I do? That's within my grasp. My decisions, my actions, my choices. My responsibility, as far as it extends, to cause harm to no one. That keeps me at peace with myself.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Feel the power inside the black steel
Antec 900 Black Steel ATX Mid Tower computer Case
Asus P5Q Pro LGA 775 Intel P45 ATX Intel Motherboard
Intel Core 2 Duo E8500 Wolfdale 3.6 GHz LGA 775 65W Dual-Core Processor
Asus EN9800GTX+ DK/HTDI/512m GeForce 9800 GTX+ 512MB 256-bit GDDR3 PCI Express 2.0 x16 HDCP Ready SLI Supported Video Card
Antec Signature SG650 650W ATX12V/EPS12V SLI Certified CrossFire Ready 80 PLUS Certified Modular Active PFC Power Supply
OCZ Fatal1ty Edition 8 GB (4 X 2GB) 240-Pin DDR SDRAM DDR2 1066 (PS2 8500)
Arctic Cooling Freezer 7 Pro 92mm CPU cooler
Western Digital Caviar SE16 640GB 7200 RPM SATA 3.0Gb/s HD
MS Windows Vista Home Premium SP1 64-bit English for System Builders
Still sporting my trackball mouse, old keyboard, and my vent headset by Logitech, and my 17 inch Samsung LCD monitor, which I'm going to need to upgrade fairly soon.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Reminiscing
There are some things that you really shouldn't do while you're intoxicated. I realized that late last night, when I was doing a file cleanup on the Mac, and while it was doing that, I was poking around on my Adium program. For those of you who either aren't Mac users, or don't know what Adium is, it's a multi-chat program that allows you to run AIM/gtalk/Yahoo, etc, in one program, on the Mac. Sort of like Trillian or Pidgin. Just another one of those style programs. At any rate, I have it on the MacBook, and have had it installed since I first got the machine. I never really think about the fact that it's there, because it's something that's always been there.
What I also never really stopped to consider is the fact that Adium came with presets, presets I never actually *changed*. On my Pidgin account, I know what it is, and how to use it, and as a result, nothing is 'autologged' on that particular piece of software, because I *do* understand how to change out the settings. I never changed any of the Adium settings.
Last night I discovered that every conversation I ever had with everyone, while using my MacBook, was logged. From the day I got it, until I stopped using it as a daily computer. The only conversations that aren't logged on that machine, are the ones that I have on Yahoo when I'm using my webcam, because I have to use Yahoo independent of Adium for that, and that has it's own settings, and it's an entirely separate setup.
So I just sort of sat there last night, reading through old chat logs, and retrospect is one of those things that can be a good strong kick in the...well, it's certainly a kick somewhere. It's sort of like looking back through a mirror, and realizing that some of the things you really wanted to believe about someone just weren't true. And on the one hand, it sort of sucks, but on the other hand, it cements for you, in your own mind that you haven't made the wrong choices now?
It's just strange. I can read as far back as 2007, and it was puzzling in some ways, to see what I was thinking about, and the actions I was taking, and to realize that I was completely wrapped up in my own bubble, and truly couldn't see outside of it. Having a timeline of events is sort of creepy, but sort of good at the same time.
It also reminded me that to a certain extent, we all live in a world that we create based on our desires, and however we choose to pursue those desires, whether they're healthy for us or not? We're not going to stop, not going to pause, not going to give in, regardless of what people say, or do, or how they behave, until we are damn well good and ready *ourselves*, to stop in that pursuit. It doesn't seem to matter, not really, how the other person being pursued feels, and that has to suck, to be on the receiving end of. Especially when they come up against someone who can be obsessive and downright frightening.
Love is awesome. Wanting to show someone how much you care, that you want to shower them with love and affection and attention? That's all well and good. Wanting to help and nurture and build something is terrific. But that only works if both people feel the same way. And there are so many different ways to love people. Sometimes, the best way to love them, is to let them go if that's what they want. Sometimes it's to hold on, and fight for them, or with them. Because everyone needs something different. But it's not something that can be forced. And I don't believe it should be abandoned, because it is something precious.
A lot of people spend their entire lives searching for that perfect person, and never finding it or simply throw it away, because it didn't fit what they were looking for as 'perfection'. And if it wasn't perfect, they couldn't be bothered. Others seem to never find anyone, and spend their lives alone, and unhappy, thinking that there's a failing in them somehow, as they reject person after person, finding fault constantly in themselves because they believe they cannot measure up. They choose people who they will pursue relentlessly, in the hope that their perfect mates will make them whole, and perfect by extension.
And a lot of people spend their lives choosing people who are destined to injure them, to emotionally wound them, because the people they choose to love, simply can't love them back. They're toxic to them, and they choose emotionally unavailable people, because they feel as though they are unlovable, and don't really deserve to be loved, and instinctively choose partners who won't be able to give them what they need. It isn't that they don't have love to give, it's that they want to give too much, without knowing or understanding how to find someone with whom to lavish that love on, who will return it in kind, instead of bleeding it dry. I'm not sure if the emotionally unavailable people realize the damage they're doing, or if they are damaged in some way themselves. Perhaps they are the above people, looking for someone perfect to make them perfect by extension, and ending up with those who feel they are unlovable, that creates a cycle. I don't know.
I do know, that it makes for a horrible set of combinations. Love isn't supposed to be a battle, except perhaps in bed. It's supposed to be something cherished, freely given, received, and nurtured. Love as friendship, courtship, or romantically. Be it any of those things, they're still precious, and they still matter.
So I read the chat logs, and I sat and thought about it. You love who you love. You make decisions, and you run with them, and in retrospect, you gaze back, and sometimes you wonder what you were thinking, and why you might have done what you did. And sometimes you were right, and sometimes not. It doesn't change anything to dwell on it. It's good to understand yourself, and to contemplate how to not make the same set of mistakes again, and it's always good to consider how you ended up in a certain place walking on a path. And at the end of the day, you sigh, shake your head, and accept your decisions, and take responsibility for them and move toward the future.
What I also never really stopped to consider is the fact that Adium came with presets, presets I never actually *changed*. On my Pidgin account, I know what it is, and how to use it, and as a result, nothing is 'autologged' on that particular piece of software, because I *do* understand how to change out the settings. I never changed any of the Adium settings.
Last night I discovered that every conversation I ever had with everyone, while using my MacBook, was logged. From the day I got it, until I stopped using it as a daily computer. The only conversations that aren't logged on that machine, are the ones that I have on Yahoo when I'm using my webcam, because I have to use Yahoo independent of Adium for that, and that has it's own settings, and it's an entirely separate setup.
So I just sort of sat there last night, reading through old chat logs, and retrospect is one of those things that can be a good strong kick in the...well, it's certainly a kick somewhere. It's sort of like looking back through a mirror, and realizing that some of the things you really wanted to believe about someone just weren't true. And on the one hand, it sort of sucks, but on the other hand, it cements for you, in your own mind that you haven't made the wrong choices now?
It's just strange. I can read as far back as 2007, and it was puzzling in some ways, to see what I was thinking about, and the actions I was taking, and to realize that I was completely wrapped up in my own bubble, and truly couldn't see outside of it. Having a timeline of events is sort of creepy, but sort of good at the same time.
It also reminded me that to a certain extent, we all live in a world that we create based on our desires, and however we choose to pursue those desires, whether they're healthy for us or not? We're not going to stop, not going to pause, not going to give in, regardless of what people say, or do, or how they behave, until we are damn well good and ready *ourselves*, to stop in that pursuit. It doesn't seem to matter, not really, how the other person being pursued feels, and that has to suck, to be on the receiving end of. Especially when they come up against someone who can be obsessive and downright frightening.
Love is awesome. Wanting to show someone how much you care, that you want to shower them with love and affection and attention? That's all well and good. Wanting to help and nurture and build something is terrific. But that only works if both people feel the same way. And there are so many different ways to love people. Sometimes, the best way to love them, is to let them go if that's what they want. Sometimes it's to hold on, and fight for them, or with them. Because everyone needs something different. But it's not something that can be forced. And I don't believe it should be abandoned, because it is something precious.
A lot of people spend their entire lives searching for that perfect person, and never finding it or simply throw it away, because it didn't fit what they were looking for as 'perfection'. And if it wasn't perfect, they couldn't be bothered. Others seem to never find anyone, and spend their lives alone, and unhappy, thinking that there's a failing in them somehow, as they reject person after person, finding fault constantly in themselves because they believe they cannot measure up. They choose people who they will pursue relentlessly, in the hope that their perfect mates will make them whole, and perfect by extension.
And a lot of people spend their lives choosing people who are destined to injure them, to emotionally wound them, because the people they choose to love, simply can't love them back. They're toxic to them, and they choose emotionally unavailable people, because they feel as though they are unlovable, and don't really deserve to be loved, and instinctively choose partners who won't be able to give them what they need. It isn't that they don't have love to give, it's that they want to give too much, without knowing or understanding how to find someone with whom to lavish that love on, who will return it in kind, instead of bleeding it dry. I'm not sure if the emotionally unavailable people realize the damage they're doing, or if they are damaged in some way themselves. Perhaps they are the above people, looking for someone perfect to make them perfect by extension, and ending up with those who feel they are unlovable, that creates a cycle. I don't know.
I do know, that it makes for a horrible set of combinations. Love isn't supposed to be a battle, except perhaps in bed. It's supposed to be something cherished, freely given, received, and nurtured. Love as friendship, courtship, or romantically. Be it any of those things, they're still precious, and they still matter.
So I read the chat logs, and I sat and thought about it. You love who you love. You make decisions, and you run with them, and in retrospect, you gaze back, and sometimes you wonder what you were thinking, and why you might have done what you did. And sometimes you were right, and sometimes not. It doesn't change anything to dwell on it. It's good to understand yourself, and to contemplate how to not make the same set of mistakes again, and it's always good to consider how you ended up in a certain place walking on a path. And at the end of the day, you sigh, shake your head, and accept your decisions, and take responsibility for them and move toward the future.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Obligation?
I'm not an obligation. You don't owe me. I wish, so badly, that when I ask a straightforward question, that I could get a straightforward answer, without being worried about how I'm going to respond, or what the repercussions might be, or anything else. If I'm asking how you're going to feel about something, I'm not asking how *I* am going to feel about it, obviously *I* know that already. I don't want to hear you say how *I* am going to feel, or what *I* want. I want to know what *you* want.
Somehow, someday, there is going to come a time when you stop being afraid of yourself, of me. Of everything all the time. Life will be better then. But all I can do right now is insure that you don't keep feeling like you owe me, because you don't. You haven't, in a long time. That wasn't ever my intention, which was why I kept pushing it, because something didn't seem right, you weren't acting right, and I pushed until I got the truth, as opposed to the more convenient lie.
Just getting what I wanted wasn't actually what I wanted, don't you understand that, even now? Just because I might want something, if it isn't something you're willing and comfortable with giving to me, then I don't want it, at the end of the day.
I don't want it if it's making you miserable. If it scares you that badly, and makes you that uncomfortable, then ultimately, I honestly just don't want it, and don't care that much to have it. It's not like I'm miserably unhappy with the way things are, I thought you understood that. I guess not, and you refuse to talk to me about it, which is the most frustrating thing in the world.
Ultimately, all I really want is to have peace, and to be safe and comfortable with myself. But we're never going to get anywhere without some sense of communication...
Somehow, someday, there is going to come a time when you stop being afraid of yourself, of me. Of everything all the time. Life will be better then. But all I can do right now is insure that you don't keep feeling like you owe me, because you don't. You haven't, in a long time. That wasn't ever my intention, which was why I kept pushing it, because something didn't seem right, you weren't acting right, and I pushed until I got the truth, as opposed to the more convenient lie.
Just getting what I wanted wasn't actually what I wanted, don't you understand that, even now? Just because I might want something, if it isn't something you're willing and comfortable with giving to me, then I don't want it, at the end of the day.
I don't want it if it's making you miserable. If it scares you that badly, and makes you that uncomfortable, then ultimately, I honestly just don't want it, and don't care that much to have it. It's not like I'm miserably unhappy with the way things are, I thought you understood that. I guess not, and you refuse to talk to me about it, which is the most frustrating thing in the world.
Ultimately, all I really want is to have peace, and to be safe and comfortable with myself. But we're never going to get anywhere without some sense of communication...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I realize that I should, in fact, get out of bed, and be doing something other than writing this blog. But at the moment, I'm curled up under a silk comforter, surrounded by pillows that are not my own, in a bed that is mine, but not mine, in a room that is familiar but different.
It's such a strange sensation, to know that this is comforting on the one hand, but brings back bittersweet memories at the same time. To be aware that I'm finally at a place that I'm okay enough to sleep here, and actually sleep in this bed, alone, without being miserable anymore. It took fully a year to get here, though.
I took off, and ran away again, because that's what I do when I get overwhelmed, I go and try to clear my head. I'm not having as much luck as I generally do, but this time there's enough other stuff going on, solving other people's problems, that it gives me perspective, and something to focus on besides me. I needed that.
I'm having trouble getting my thoughts lined up in my own headspace lately, and trying to concetrate on school and where I want to go, or not go, is giving me kind of an ongoing headache, making decisions was getting too hard, to the point where I couldn't so much as decide what I wanted to eat, much less anything else. And at that point, it was time to just go, and let everything settle.
Things are settling down now. I can't quite kick the flash-point dreaming, I have no control over that, though I'm trying. I'm shutting things down now, and closing them off, and that will help. I'm working on meditation, in the hope that it will make me more centered, and once I get back home, I'll be picking up supplies to cleanse the house, and clear out what I not-so-affectionately refer to as my 'cobwebs'. Sometimes, things must.
It's such a strange sensation, to know that this is comforting on the one hand, but brings back bittersweet memories at the same time. To be aware that I'm finally at a place that I'm okay enough to sleep here, and actually sleep in this bed, alone, without being miserable anymore. It took fully a year to get here, though.
I took off, and ran away again, because that's what I do when I get overwhelmed, I go and try to clear my head. I'm not having as much luck as I generally do, but this time there's enough other stuff going on, solving other people's problems, that it gives me perspective, and something to focus on besides me. I needed that.
I'm having trouble getting my thoughts lined up in my own headspace lately, and trying to concetrate on school and where I want to go, or not go, is giving me kind of an ongoing headache, making decisions was getting too hard, to the point where I couldn't so much as decide what I wanted to eat, much less anything else. And at that point, it was time to just go, and let everything settle.
Things are settling down now. I can't quite kick the flash-point dreaming, I have no control over that, though I'm trying. I'm shutting things down now, and closing them off, and that will help. I'm working on meditation, in the hope that it will make me more centered, and once I get back home, I'll be picking up supplies to cleanse the house, and clear out what I not-so-affectionately refer to as my 'cobwebs'. Sometimes, things must.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Happy Valentine's Day
It has been a long, difficult week. I thought about putting up something that reflected the trials and tribulations that have encompassed my week, and explaining why I'm feeling anxious and angry, but honestly? It's just not worth it.
And after that, I sat, and tried to come up with something that was light-hearted, and funny, to make it seem as though this has been just another carefree week, and I don't feel like doing that either.
The simple truth is, that I'm not in the mood to lay bare my issues for the masses these days. I'm feeling kind of bruised, and somewhat violated, and I don't like the feeling. And I've learned, through past experience, that writing here tends to make me feel more centered and more calm. Do I need to elaborate everything to achieve that feeling? No, I've learned that I don't.
My work for school is, I think, going well. It's difficult, and a bit more time-consuming than the first semester, and is requiring a lot more actual concentration than I had originally planned for, but by the same token, it's more rewarding. And I think that for the Fall semester, I might even have a study partner, which might be nice. We're hoping that Danny will take some classes as well, and that would be awesome. I would be so proud of him. I've always hoped he'd go to school, and I truly believe that would be good for him.
My sister and I have reconciled our differences, which, I have to admit, has taken a great weight off of my shoulders, as missing her did leave a huge hole inside of me. Having her back, and the day-to-day contact and 'normal' if there is such a thing, again, helps to center me. I don't quite know how to articulate that any better than that.
I'm currently working on a couple of short stories, that I will be working on for the next year, for submission to Clarion, only for the 2010 workshop, not the 2009 workshop. The submission date for 2009 is March 1st, and I simply don't have two 2,500-5,000 word stories ready for the applications in time this year. I will, however, for next year. And I fully intend to at least apply to try and get in. That would be a major deal for me, whether or not I get accepted, just making the attempt would be a major achievement for me.
I've done a lot of things over the last 18 months that I never really thought I could do. More and more each day, and my horizons keep expanding, and things like Clarion are just one more example to myself that I'm healing as a person, and accepting who I am. I got the official notice from FCC, telling me I had made the Dean's List, and I can go and pick up the certificate. I held it in my hands, and just kind of stared at it in shock. Seeing that I'd qualified on the website, and holding that confirmation in my hands were not the same thing. It was validation, for all that I'd worked for, and that I had achieved that goal, that I was successful at what I had set out to do.
I had finally proven to myself, that I *can*. And it was, and is, a truly amazing feeling. I'm not sure what I was expecting to feel, but it wasn't what I did end up feeling.
I simply don't view myself anymore, the way I used to. When I look at me, what I see now, is something worthwhile, and someone who matters. I matter more now, to and for myself, than I ever did, at any point that I can remember during the course of my lifetime. Part of that is because of my missing memory, and the rest of it is because of my exceedingly low self-esteem.
That's not a problem I seem to be having nearly as much anymore. It's not flawless. I won't ever be brimming with self-confidence, and I know it. But I don't walk around thinking I have no function and no value to anyone, for anything, anymore.
Someone tried to tell me that, once, that I was valuable in my own right. That's finally come to pass, and I suppose that, in and of itself, is something I should be proud of. I am, in a weird sort of way. It was a long time coming, and I certainly took the road less traveled. As always, I had to choose the one that required that I would have to use a machete to hack through underbrush to get here, instead of just seeing the pretty, clear path, that was lined with paving stones.
Oh, no. Not me. I wanted the adventure, obviously. But the end result is evidently the same.
There is no one here with me today, lying about in bed eating chocolates and cooking dinner or whatever. And today is Valentine's Day. I could, I suppose, go out and do date-type things with any number of the people that I spend my time with, but that doesn't feel right, nor is it what I'm inclined to do today. I'll probably go and see my sister. Spend some time with her kids. Feed my silly cat kitty treats, and then watch a movie, and study some more for my next exam. And curl up under a nice warm blanket, and wait for the day to pass, into the next, and so it continues...
Peace is nice. Happy Valentine's Day.
And after that, I sat, and tried to come up with something that was light-hearted, and funny, to make it seem as though this has been just another carefree week, and I don't feel like doing that either.
The simple truth is, that I'm not in the mood to lay bare my issues for the masses these days. I'm feeling kind of bruised, and somewhat violated, and I don't like the feeling. And I've learned, through past experience, that writing here tends to make me feel more centered and more calm. Do I need to elaborate everything to achieve that feeling? No, I've learned that I don't.
My work for school is, I think, going well. It's difficult, and a bit more time-consuming than the first semester, and is requiring a lot more actual concentration than I had originally planned for, but by the same token, it's more rewarding. And I think that for the Fall semester, I might even have a study partner, which might be nice. We're hoping that Danny will take some classes as well, and that would be awesome. I would be so proud of him. I've always hoped he'd go to school, and I truly believe that would be good for him.
My sister and I have reconciled our differences, which, I have to admit, has taken a great weight off of my shoulders, as missing her did leave a huge hole inside of me. Having her back, and the day-to-day contact and 'normal' if there is such a thing, again, helps to center me. I don't quite know how to articulate that any better than that.
I'm currently working on a couple of short stories, that I will be working on for the next year, for submission to Clarion, only for the 2010 workshop, not the 2009 workshop. The submission date for 2009 is March 1st, and I simply don't have two 2,500-5,000 word stories ready for the applications in time this year. I will, however, for next year. And I fully intend to at least apply to try and get in. That would be a major deal for me, whether or not I get accepted, just making the attempt would be a major achievement for me.
I've done a lot of things over the last 18 months that I never really thought I could do. More and more each day, and my horizons keep expanding, and things like Clarion are just one more example to myself that I'm healing as a person, and accepting who I am. I got the official notice from FCC, telling me I had made the Dean's List, and I can go and pick up the certificate. I held it in my hands, and just kind of stared at it in shock. Seeing that I'd qualified on the website, and holding that confirmation in my hands were not the same thing. It was validation, for all that I'd worked for, and that I had achieved that goal, that I was successful at what I had set out to do.
I had finally proven to myself, that I *can*. And it was, and is, a truly amazing feeling. I'm not sure what I was expecting to feel, but it wasn't what I did end up feeling.
I simply don't view myself anymore, the way I used to. When I look at me, what I see now, is something worthwhile, and someone who matters. I matter more now, to and for myself, than I ever did, at any point that I can remember during the course of my lifetime. Part of that is because of my missing memory, and the rest of it is because of my exceedingly low self-esteem.
That's not a problem I seem to be having nearly as much anymore. It's not flawless. I won't ever be brimming with self-confidence, and I know it. But I don't walk around thinking I have no function and no value to anyone, for anything, anymore.
Someone tried to tell me that, once, that I was valuable in my own right. That's finally come to pass, and I suppose that, in and of itself, is something I should be proud of. I am, in a weird sort of way. It was a long time coming, and I certainly took the road less traveled. As always, I had to choose the one that required that I would have to use a machete to hack through underbrush to get here, instead of just seeing the pretty, clear path, that was lined with paving stones.
Oh, no. Not me. I wanted the adventure, obviously. But the end result is evidently the same.
There is no one here with me today, lying about in bed eating chocolates and cooking dinner or whatever. And today is Valentine's Day. I could, I suppose, go out and do date-type things with any number of the people that I spend my time with, but that doesn't feel right, nor is it what I'm inclined to do today. I'll probably go and see my sister. Spend some time with her kids. Feed my silly cat kitty treats, and then watch a movie, and study some more for my next exam. And curl up under a nice warm blanket, and wait for the day to pass, into the next, and so it continues...
Peace is nice. Happy Valentine's Day.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I am frustrated by a lack of information, and vexed because I'm worried, so worried that something has gone catastrophically wrong, and I have no way of knowing whether or not that's true. And this is not some matter of simply swallowing my pride, and calling to find out what happened, if it was, I'd just suck it up. It's that my presence will simply make it worse, and so I'm forced to sit here and just wait for the information to appear, somewhere. And that has to be the most stifling and impossible thing for me to deal with.
It's very hard, to know that someone is in trouble, and be powerless to help him. And to have to just wait it out until he can get hold of me, and tell me that he's at least safe and tell me how things turned out. I know he got my messages, because he sent one back telling me to just hold on, and he'll let me know what's going on, that he wants the flow of information stemmed. And I guess I understand, but it's still difficult. Because I *am* concerned, and I love him, and that places me in an impossible situation. Anything I do makes it worse, anything he does to reach me makes it worse. It all sucks equally.
I just hope he's okay.
It's very hard, to know that someone is in trouble, and be powerless to help him. And to have to just wait it out until he can get hold of me, and tell me that he's at least safe and tell me how things turned out. I know he got my messages, because he sent one back telling me to just hold on, and he'll let me know what's going on, that he wants the flow of information stemmed. And I guess I understand, but it's still difficult. Because I *am* concerned, and I love him, and that places me in an impossible situation. Anything I do makes it worse, anything he does to reach me makes it worse. It all sucks equally.
I just hope he's okay.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Exhausted
I got more than a little bit over-extended today. It's almost midnight right now, and I just woke up. I've been out for almost 7 hours. I need to be more careful. I spent a part of my day today focusing and shielding at the same time, which is something I don't do often, and as a result, I was completely wiped. I didn't realize just how wiped, until I passed out, and didn't wake up.
Scared me, a little.
I've got a stack of homework to plod through this week, and a lot of errands I need to run amok and deal with, things I need to get in order. I've got to get in to see my doctor, and get some paperwork taken care of, among other things. I needed to wait out today because of the holiday, before I could handle anything.
Bill called today, which was nice, I hadn't heard from him in quite awhile, and talked to him for about half an hour, and catching up is always fun. Silly coffee addict :P I miss him.
I'm going to eat something, and go curl back up under some blankets, because I'm still freezing, and try to stay awake long enough to get some homework finished before I drop again. If I had energy drinks, I'd be drinking them right now.
Scared me, a little.
I've got a stack of homework to plod through this week, and a lot of errands I need to run amok and deal with, things I need to get in order. I've got to get in to see my doctor, and get some paperwork taken care of, among other things. I needed to wait out today because of the holiday, before I could handle anything.
Bill called today, which was nice, I hadn't heard from him in quite awhile, and talked to him for about half an hour, and catching up is always fun. Silly coffee addict :P I miss him.
I'm going to eat something, and go curl back up under some blankets, because I'm still freezing, and try to stay awake long enough to get some homework finished before I drop again. If I had energy drinks, I'd be drinking them right now.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
My coffee addict heart is laughing out loud
So I was scanning news (if it can loosely be called that) this morning, and I stumbled onto this gem. Starbucks got stomped in a taste test. By a much cheaper brand, and Consumer Reports apparently found it to be quite the crowd pleaser. And it beat out a bunch of other normally top-ranked regulars.
I'm kind of amused, and will have to go in search of this mysterious Eight o'clock coffee.
I'm kind of amused, and will have to go in search of this mysterious Eight o'clock coffee.
Friday, February 6, 2009
He said/She said
Today, in an email, someone gave me a long list of people who said that I'd said this thing, or that thing, about them. And it was interesting, to read it. Because in retrospect, and I truly did have to sit and think about it for a bit, because the statements spanned several years, and my memory is rather lousy, and it involved multiple people.
And after some serious consideration, and a pen and paper, I managed to work out who said what to whom, and how the statements came to be. I had in fact actually even made some of the statements. What I found interesting about the entire situation, and what I in the end chose to not actually respond with, at length, was that the other people managed to make themselves, in every single case, look good. As though they hadn't ever said anything negative about that person in the first place.
Certainly, I'm not a saint by any stretch of the imagination, and neither is anyone else. But for the most part, a lot of the finger-pointing, and basic shit-talking that was pointed at me? Wasn't actually originated by me, and the people who passed it all along? Pointed it directly at me, as though I sat down, and slandered somebody, when in fact I just kind of was along for the ride, and I found that sort of funny.
With the notable exception of one of the people who leveled the accusations at me, every single other person on the list had told me how much they hated them. Couldn't stand them, and had spent a fair amount of time and energy spewing vitriol in their general direction.
Which just went to show how two-faced people actually can be, and are. I wasn't surprised at the notable exception, as he has, over time, proven to be quite an upstanding guy, and he tends to say what he feels, and everyone else can pretty much piss off if they don't like it. I kind of like that about him. Which is why I still like talking to him, even when we have our differences. Makes him rather lovable. In a weird sort of way.
And I really did want to sit down, and draw a picture for them, of all the crappy things the others had said, and decided it just wasn't worth it. It was a long time ago, and it doesn't much matter who said what to whom now. I suspect that some of them are still 'friends' such as it is. I'm not actually friends, or for the most part not even loose acquaintances with any of them anymore. The notable exception being the exception, and he'd know and understand my reasoning if I explained what was going on right now.
Time has passed, and a lot of us have grown up, and moved on. Some people might not have, but the two of us, apparently have. I was surprised to find that I guess we did. I told them quite clearly that I'm not looking for friends, not really. Neither am I rejecting acquaintances, simply for the sake of being snotty. Enough time has passed between us, from the past, for me to not be a bitch just to be a bitch. I honestly don't remember all of what went down between us, and there's no animosity left for me to level.
Do I trust? No. Am I going to invite them over for coffee and donuts? Nope. But am I going to send snide comments, and spread snide rumors? Nah, there's no reason. Hats off to maturity, on both our parts.
And after some serious consideration, and a pen and paper, I managed to work out who said what to whom, and how the statements came to be. I had in fact actually even made some of the statements. What I found interesting about the entire situation, and what I in the end chose to not actually respond with, at length, was that the other people managed to make themselves, in every single case, look good. As though they hadn't ever said anything negative about that person in the first place.
Certainly, I'm not a saint by any stretch of the imagination, and neither is anyone else. But for the most part, a lot of the finger-pointing, and basic shit-talking that was pointed at me? Wasn't actually originated by me, and the people who passed it all along? Pointed it directly at me, as though I sat down, and slandered somebody, when in fact I just kind of was along for the ride, and I found that sort of funny.
With the notable exception of one of the people who leveled the accusations at me, every single other person on the list had told me how much they hated them. Couldn't stand them, and had spent a fair amount of time and energy spewing vitriol in their general direction.
Which just went to show how two-faced people actually can be, and are. I wasn't surprised at the notable exception, as he has, over time, proven to be quite an upstanding guy, and he tends to say what he feels, and everyone else can pretty much piss off if they don't like it. I kind of like that about him. Which is why I still like talking to him, even when we have our differences. Makes him rather lovable. In a weird sort of way.
And I really did want to sit down, and draw a picture for them, of all the crappy things the others had said, and decided it just wasn't worth it. It was a long time ago, and it doesn't much matter who said what to whom now. I suspect that some of them are still 'friends' such as it is. I'm not actually friends, or for the most part not even loose acquaintances with any of them anymore. The notable exception being the exception, and he'd know and understand my reasoning if I explained what was going on right now.
Time has passed, and a lot of us have grown up, and moved on. Some people might not have, but the two of us, apparently have. I was surprised to find that I guess we did. I told them quite clearly that I'm not looking for friends, not really. Neither am I rejecting acquaintances, simply for the sake of being snotty. Enough time has passed between us, from the past, for me to not be a bitch just to be a bitch. I honestly don't remember all of what went down between us, and there's no animosity left for me to level.
Do I trust? No. Am I going to invite them over for coffee and donuts? Nope. But am I going to send snide comments, and spread snide rumors? Nah, there's no reason. Hats off to maturity, on both our parts.
silly things that make me happy
Funny socks
Journals
New ink pens
Learning interesting things
Putting my hair up into a ponytail and realizing that there's almost two feet of hair hanging down now
Linguistics
Sweaters
Hardwood floors
Music
Watching movies together
Watching movies alone
Stamps
Corners
Books
Calendars
The Pyramid Collection
The fact that I can now wear pretty much anything *from* The Pyramid Collection's clothes
Bagels
White Chocolate Mocha
Coffee
Cookies
Hard-boiled eggs
Challah
Life makes me happy. So very many things about life, both big and small, make me happy, and all the infinite varieties that make it up please me. I want for others to be able to look at the world around them, and see that it's beautiful, and amazing, and there's so much there to experience.
There's so much love just waiting to be given, and received, and explored. Life is a gift and a joy, and a pleasure, and if I could, and I would share that perspective with the entire world. To hold close those whom I love, and show them my view of the world, so they could feel the joy in it, and the wonder, and the happiness that surrounds me. Just a little, just for a while, so they could feel that too.
Those are the things that make me happy, being able to make others happy too. Silly things, small things, the ability to see them and appreciate them, and accept them. Knowing that it isn't always about the huge things. The small things will do.
Journals
New ink pens
Learning interesting things
Putting my hair up into a ponytail and realizing that there's almost two feet of hair hanging down now
Linguistics
Sweaters
Hardwood floors
Music
Watching movies together
Watching movies alone
Stamps
Corners
Books
Calendars
The Pyramid Collection
The fact that I can now wear pretty much anything *from* The Pyramid Collection's clothes
Bagels
White Chocolate Mocha
Coffee
Cookies
Hard-boiled eggs
Challah
Life makes me happy. So very many things about life, both big and small, make me happy, and all the infinite varieties that make it up please me. I want for others to be able to look at the world around them, and see that it's beautiful, and amazing, and there's so much there to experience.
There's so much love just waiting to be given, and received, and explored. Life is a gift and a joy, and a pleasure, and if I could, and I would share that perspective with the entire world. To hold close those whom I love, and show them my view of the world, so they could feel the joy in it, and the wonder, and the happiness that surrounds me. Just a little, just for a while, so they could feel that too.
Those are the things that make me happy, being able to make others happy too. Silly things, small things, the ability to see them and appreciate them, and accept them. Knowing that it isn't always about the huge things. The small things will do.
omg Chicken and Dumplings!
Are currently becoming dumplings right now, actually, which is the yay, and the yummy, all at once. Fabulous :) And later tonight, there will enchiladas, and my life will be filled with food and happiness. And more yays. But tomorrow the small one will go home which kinda sucks :( And life will go back to normal, and I'll start making lists, and taking measurements, and figuring out the weeding process of what will be kept, and what will be donated/etc for the getting ready to move, to wherever I happen to end up, once the move is complete.
It's a dual-edged sword, that one.
I got a strange message today, from someone who has photos of an old friend, and some old pics of Monkey as a baby, which is neat, and I will happily accept the photos, because hey, pics are good. I didn't realize there were still any, which is good. And also telling me that the rumor-mill is in full grind. I corrected a few assumptions, and explained my current opinion on life, and told her she can make of it what she will.
I've been saying that a lot these days. In other news, the linguistics monster keeps trying to eat me, and I swear Freud might try to murder me in my sleep. Apparently, we have differentiating views on life, and I gather he doesn't like mine. So he keeps trying to slaughter me in my sleep. I shall prevail!
It's a dual-edged sword, that one.
I got a strange message today, from someone who has photos of an old friend, and some old pics of Monkey as a baby, which is neat, and I will happily accept the photos, because hey, pics are good. I didn't realize there were still any, which is good. And also telling me that the rumor-mill is in full grind. I corrected a few assumptions, and explained my current opinion on life, and told her she can make of it what she will.
I've been saying that a lot these days. In other news, the linguistics monster keeps trying to eat me, and I swear Freud might try to murder me in my sleep. Apparently, we have differentiating views on life, and I gather he doesn't like mine. So he keeps trying to slaughter me in my sleep. I shall prevail!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
It's funny, you know?
I'm not actually doing anything one way or the other, about much of anything. And I'm still watching and waiting, and hearing the rumbling vibrations of the world around me. Can't escape everything entirely, no matter how much I might have tried.
So when one thing or another is brought to my attention, all I can do is kind of sigh in resignation, and shake my head. People, in their vast and glorious color, are morons sometimes. And yes, this probably does mean you. Especially if you're sitting somewhere feeling smug and conceited about something, or arrogant that you're just the perfect fucking snowflake and all the wonders of the world should be drifting down upon your shiny head.
The truth is that the reason I have chosen to do what I'm doing, and live the way I'm living, and keep to myself, and not blog about anything personal these days? Is that I got exceedingly exhausted by all the petty, drama-laden bullshit every second of every day. He said, she said, and everything in between just got tiresome. If I wanted to have someone trying to dictate my life? I'd return to being a child, and go live with my parents. But I don't want that. I have no *interest* in that.
So while I'm sure everybody is having a wonderful time sitting around in their designer shoes, and drinking their herbal tea, and discussing what wonderful people they are, and commiserating about what a stark raving bitch I am, and how they made such great decisions on staying strong and walking away? The simple fact is that I walked away. And everybody's bent about it. Which I don't quite understand, since I walked away when they told me take my bat, and my ball and be gone? Why the animosity?
I don't have any. I *like* my life. I like the people in it, I enjoy my world, and the things I do. I don't begrudge anyone else theirs, and I'm getting truly tired of the snark-fest that circles back around to me, about what a shitty person I am, because I won't conform to...what? Going back to the way it was?
I had vitriol spewed at me, and third party messages dropped in my direction in which I was informed that I was "you really are a self-centered bitch, and should have just fucking died, and u should just go kill yourself and save everyone the trouble. nobody should waste their time on u". Things of that nature, that got tedious, really quickly.
In the end, I stopped talking to anyone who had anything to do with anyone I knew. Stopped looking at anything even vaguely associated with anybody who didn't want anything to do with me. And slowly, bit by bit, the little snide digs stopped. It went from a stampede, to a flood, and then to a trickle, and now it's just a minor drip here and there. And while that's irritating, I can handle that.
I won't cut off everyone, because that would be foolish, and there are still people in my life that I value, and I won't cut off my nose to spite my face. That's childish and immature, and I see no point in it. But will I intentionally go and open doors that will incite drama? No. Will I pick up the phone, so that I can listen to an accolade about how selfish I was, and listen to a lecture, and then sit around so that people can wait for *me* to deliver heartfelt apologies? No, I'm not doing that either. I learned my lessons well, and I'm not delivering apologies anymore for things I didn't do.
Choosing to walk a path that I need to walk, to not need to listen to people tell me that my choices are wrong, and that I'm stupid for making decisions I need to make, and to tell me who I can or can't let in my life? Is not something I'm going to do. I'm not twelve, and I won't be treated like an irresponsible twelve-year-old. Who I spend my time with is my own business. Who I sleep with, who I associate with, and whether or not I get over having my heart broken into pieces within a set time frame? All things that I had to and have to cope with, without needing to feel ashamed, and devalued, simply because it would be easier on others if I would just let it all go faster, to suit what they wanted.
Perhaps I'm stupid for letting him back in. Perhaps it would be best for me to slam doors closed, when that would be more practical. Maybe I cut all the ties, and healed completely, and am now sleeping with 3/4 of California. *It doesn't matter*. It's my life, and I don't need to get permission to live it.
Hell, maybe we ran off and got married, and now I'm pregnant, and we're going to live happily ever after. Who the fuck *cares*?!? Because, honestly, I don't. I didn't. You shouldn't. I was always good about asking if I needed feedback and opinions and help. I didn't need to be given unsolicited advice, or that I'm irresponsible.
So perhaps this is the longest rant I've written in a while. And it'll probably be the last one I write with regard to the subject.
I hope, sincerely, that everything is going well for everyone. I hope that things have gotten better, that everyone is happy, and healthy. But it isn't my place to be involved in it anymore. I'm not a part of it, and that's simply the way things are. I'm finished chasing everyone down, and trying to hand out apologies for things, if I don't have reasons to. I walked away for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was that I was told to go, and the end of which being that when it was obvious that I hadn't actually hurt anybody, no one stopped me. I won't apologize for leaving when told, and at this point, I'm disinclined to change the way things are.
The trouble with leaving things in limbo for however-long they get left that way, is that when the time comes to make hard choices about life? You have to decide if you're going to risk taking a chance on rejection, or just leave things the way they stand. And that's part of being an adult. Risking being told "No, thank you. It's over, and that was a choice you made yourself."
I've had to take that risk, and it sucked for me. I did it, because I was wrong, and I sucked it up. Will I walk out and suck it up, when I'm not wrong? No, no I won't. But it's just a part of being the adult, instead of being a child.
So when one thing or another is brought to my attention, all I can do is kind of sigh in resignation, and shake my head. People, in their vast and glorious color, are morons sometimes. And yes, this probably does mean you. Especially if you're sitting somewhere feeling smug and conceited about something, or arrogant that you're just the perfect fucking snowflake and all the wonders of the world should be drifting down upon your shiny head.
The truth is that the reason I have chosen to do what I'm doing, and live the way I'm living, and keep to myself, and not blog about anything personal these days? Is that I got exceedingly exhausted by all the petty, drama-laden bullshit every second of every day. He said, she said, and everything in between just got tiresome. If I wanted to have someone trying to dictate my life? I'd return to being a child, and go live with my parents. But I don't want that. I have no *interest* in that.
So while I'm sure everybody is having a wonderful time sitting around in their designer shoes, and drinking their herbal tea, and discussing what wonderful people they are, and commiserating about what a stark raving bitch I am, and how they made such great decisions on staying strong and walking away? The simple fact is that I walked away. And everybody's bent about it. Which I don't quite understand, since I walked away when they told me take my bat, and my ball and be gone? Why the animosity?
I don't have any. I *like* my life. I like the people in it, I enjoy my world, and the things I do. I don't begrudge anyone else theirs, and I'm getting truly tired of the snark-fest that circles back around to me, about what a shitty person I am, because I won't conform to...what? Going back to the way it was?
I had vitriol spewed at me, and third party messages dropped in my direction in which I was informed that I was "you really are a self-centered bitch, and should have just fucking died, and u should just go kill yourself and save everyone the trouble. nobody should waste their time on u". Things of that nature, that got tedious, really quickly.
In the end, I stopped talking to anyone who had anything to do with anyone I knew. Stopped looking at anything even vaguely associated with anybody who didn't want anything to do with me. And slowly, bit by bit, the little snide digs stopped. It went from a stampede, to a flood, and then to a trickle, and now it's just a minor drip here and there. And while that's irritating, I can handle that.
I won't cut off everyone, because that would be foolish, and there are still people in my life that I value, and I won't cut off my nose to spite my face. That's childish and immature, and I see no point in it. But will I intentionally go and open doors that will incite drama? No. Will I pick up the phone, so that I can listen to an accolade about how selfish I was, and listen to a lecture, and then sit around so that people can wait for *me* to deliver heartfelt apologies? No, I'm not doing that either. I learned my lessons well, and I'm not delivering apologies anymore for things I didn't do.
Choosing to walk a path that I need to walk, to not need to listen to people tell me that my choices are wrong, and that I'm stupid for making decisions I need to make, and to tell me who I can or can't let in my life? Is not something I'm going to do. I'm not twelve, and I won't be treated like an irresponsible twelve-year-old. Who I spend my time with is my own business. Who I sleep with, who I associate with, and whether or not I get over having my heart broken into pieces within a set time frame? All things that I had to and have to cope with, without needing to feel ashamed, and devalued, simply because it would be easier on others if I would just let it all go faster, to suit what they wanted.
Perhaps I'm stupid for letting him back in. Perhaps it would be best for me to slam doors closed, when that would be more practical. Maybe I cut all the ties, and healed completely, and am now sleeping with 3/4 of California. *It doesn't matter*. It's my life, and I don't need to get permission to live it.
Hell, maybe we ran off and got married, and now I'm pregnant, and we're going to live happily ever after. Who the fuck *cares*?!? Because, honestly, I don't. I didn't. You shouldn't. I was always good about asking if I needed feedback and opinions and help. I didn't need to be given unsolicited advice, or that I'm irresponsible.
So perhaps this is the longest rant I've written in a while. And it'll probably be the last one I write with regard to the subject.
I hope, sincerely, that everything is going well for everyone. I hope that things have gotten better, that everyone is happy, and healthy. But it isn't my place to be involved in it anymore. I'm not a part of it, and that's simply the way things are. I'm finished chasing everyone down, and trying to hand out apologies for things, if I don't have reasons to. I walked away for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was that I was told to go, and the end of which being that when it was obvious that I hadn't actually hurt anybody, no one stopped me. I won't apologize for leaving when told, and at this point, I'm disinclined to change the way things are.
The trouble with leaving things in limbo for however-long they get left that way, is that when the time comes to make hard choices about life? You have to decide if you're going to risk taking a chance on rejection, or just leave things the way they stand. And that's part of being an adult. Risking being told "No, thank you. It's over, and that was a choice you made yourself."
I've had to take that risk, and it sucked for me. I did it, because I was wrong, and I sucked it up. Will I walk out and suck it up, when I'm not wrong? No, no I won't. But it's just a part of being the adult, instead of being a child.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
...I swear, you're just like a pill, but instead of making me better? You keep making me ill...you keep making me ill....
My brain simply will not sit down and shut the fuck up. And I'm trying desperately. After I put this blog online, I'm going to go and bury my head in my boring copy-typing assignments, in the hope that the tediousness of it will soothe the monster.
There's a monster inside of me, and it won't sit down, and it won't calm down and it won't leave me alone.
Peace would be nice.
There's a monster inside of me, and it won't sit down, and it won't calm down and it won't leave me alone.
Peace would be nice.
Why? Why am I doing this to myself?
Oh, that's right. Because my best bet for scholarship and grant money is based on my stupid oligoastrocytoma. And every time I actually sit down and think about the actual mechanics of it, I start thinking about the timeline. And the percentages working against me. And then I think about odds. And the malignancy. And the flashbacks. And all of the horrible other things involved in it. And it's a self-perpetuating cycle.
But the best bet I have for scholarships and grants means slogging through the internets, looking for specific brain tumor-associated grants, most of which won't actually be available until next year, but I need to start looking and bookmarking now.
It's difficult, facing up to the knowledge of what could, and might, and has and did, happen. All of it was hard. Try as I might, it doesn't change any of the basic facts of my life. I can pretend that everything is normal, and that I'm living a normal life, but in fact, I won't ever be a regular person. There are limitations that I don't like acknowledging, and things I have to handle, and that sucks.
Such as searching for scholarships, instead of just getting a fucking job. Because that would be the more practical solution, but it's not feasible. I can't do both. I don't like it, but there it is. Just little day to day things, practicalities that bother me, and I don't want to dwell on them, and distracting myself is a sure-fire way to focus on them all the more.
On a different subject entirely. I'm trying to hope for the best, and prepare for the worst, simultaneously. There's something that I truly want. But I don't want to get my hopes up, in case I can't have it. If that makes any sense. And yet, being me, I can't help but sit, and arrange things in my head, and make sketchy plans, because, well, that's what I do.
Some days, I truly hate the way my mind works.
C'est la vie.
But the best bet I have for scholarships and grants means slogging through the internets, looking for specific brain tumor-associated grants, most of which won't actually be available until next year, but I need to start looking and bookmarking now.
It's difficult, facing up to the knowledge of what could, and might, and has and did, happen. All of it was hard. Try as I might, it doesn't change any of the basic facts of my life. I can pretend that everything is normal, and that I'm living a normal life, but in fact, I won't ever be a regular person. There are limitations that I don't like acknowledging, and things I have to handle, and that sucks.
Such as searching for scholarships, instead of just getting a fucking job. Because that would be the more practical solution, but it's not feasible. I can't do both. I don't like it, but there it is. Just little day to day things, practicalities that bother me, and I don't want to dwell on them, and distracting myself is a sure-fire way to focus on them all the more.
On a different subject entirely. I'm trying to hope for the best, and prepare for the worst, simultaneously. There's something that I truly want. But I don't want to get my hopes up, in case I can't have it. If that makes any sense. And yet, being me, I can't help but sit, and arrange things in my head, and make sketchy plans, because, well, that's what I do.
Some days, I truly hate the way my mind works.
C'est la vie.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
...tired, lonely, frustrated...
I'm feeling disgustingly inferior today, and I'm frustrated. And I'm tired and it's making it all worse, and while I know that I'm probably not as inadequate as I currently feel, it isn't really helping. All I want to do is cry, and that kind of sucks. I went through my life, once upon a time, reading things and retaining them, without any effort expended on my part. Those days are over, and that's a loss that I feel, keenly.
I am confronted with it much more so, when it's time for me to take a test, and the knowledge that I used to take for granted, fails me. And I in turn end up feeling like a part of me is missing, and feel inadequate, and like a failure when the result of an exam come back not with a perfect score.
Whether that score still ranks me with an "A" or not, doesn't change, for me, that it wasn't perfect, when I know there was a time that I would have received that grade, flawlessly. And that hurts me.
And I'm so exhausted right now, from pushing my mind to its limits, asking for it to give me something I'm not sure I'm still capable of. And I'm lonely, wanting someone or something to hold, to be comforted, to have some sense of familiarity in a world that suddenly seems to be spinning further and further off its axis, in a way that I still can't decide if I'm completely comfortable with.
I placed contact with a real estate agent yesterday, to look into purchasing, if possible, property. Instead of renting, perhaps. I hadn't realized just how much the local market has changed in the last couple to three years, since the last time I had looked, really looked, at things. As it turns out, several of the condos and houses that Danny and I looked at together, that were running between 280,000 and 320,000 dollars then? Are now running between 45,000 and 70,000 now. Fresno, and I'm informed the entire rest of the country, has taken such a nosedive, that if at all possible, now would be the time for me to look into purchasing, if I can.
That will mean, well, a lot of changes for me. Changes that I am once again going to be uncomfortable, to a certain extent, with. But right now is the time, and I don't think it's going to get any better than this, if I'm going to try. I need to contact several other places, and people, and find out how someone in my situation goes about trying to own property, things like that. I honestly don't know, because I always had Danny at my side in that type of situation.
And I'm honestly kind of tired, of being alone, of being lonely. Of spending my time, wondering what's happened to my self-confidence, and to my plans. It's almost as though I've got a huge case of cold feet so much of the time now. Where do I want to live? What do I want to do?
So many changes. And because so much is swirling around me, all I want to do, is put my things into a couple of bags, and grab my cat, and take my car, and run away. And hide. Where I don't have to think, and don't have to function. And that's not a good plan, hiding away. And I know it. But it would be so much less complicated for me, than having to make these decisions, alone. It's my life, and I'm living it. One day at a time, like the proverbial recovering alcoholic. Step by tedious step, because there is no other way, or you fall into a pit of despair, and there's no way to work your way out from it.
And I don't want to fall back into that place. I don't want to be back in the darkness that I'd been in for so long, I can still remember it, all too clearly. But by the same token, living what feels, sometimes to me, as though I'm a recovering addict, is also painful.
I just wish I could look around, and feel normal. Like me again, instead of a survivor of some awful war.
I am confronted with it much more so, when it's time for me to take a test, and the knowledge that I used to take for granted, fails me. And I in turn end up feeling like a part of me is missing, and feel inadequate, and like a failure when the result of an exam come back not with a perfect score.
Whether that score still ranks me with an "A" or not, doesn't change, for me, that it wasn't perfect, when I know there was a time that I would have received that grade, flawlessly. And that hurts me.
And I'm so exhausted right now, from pushing my mind to its limits, asking for it to give me something I'm not sure I'm still capable of. And I'm lonely, wanting someone or something to hold, to be comforted, to have some sense of familiarity in a world that suddenly seems to be spinning further and further off its axis, in a way that I still can't decide if I'm completely comfortable with.
I placed contact with a real estate agent yesterday, to look into purchasing, if possible, property. Instead of renting, perhaps. I hadn't realized just how much the local market has changed in the last couple to three years, since the last time I had looked, really looked, at things. As it turns out, several of the condos and houses that Danny and I looked at together, that were running between 280,000 and 320,000 dollars then? Are now running between 45,000 and 70,000 now. Fresno, and I'm informed the entire rest of the country, has taken such a nosedive, that if at all possible, now would be the time for me to look into purchasing, if I can.
That will mean, well, a lot of changes for me. Changes that I am once again going to be uncomfortable, to a certain extent, with. But right now is the time, and I don't think it's going to get any better than this, if I'm going to try. I need to contact several other places, and people, and find out how someone in my situation goes about trying to own property, things like that. I honestly don't know, because I always had Danny at my side in that type of situation.
And I'm honestly kind of tired, of being alone, of being lonely. Of spending my time, wondering what's happened to my self-confidence, and to my plans. It's almost as though I've got a huge case of cold feet so much of the time now. Where do I want to live? What do I want to do?
So many changes. And because so much is swirling around me, all I want to do, is put my things into a couple of bags, and grab my cat, and take my car, and run away. And hide. Where I don't have to think, and don't have to function. And that's not a good plan, hiding away. And I know it. But it would be so much less complicated for me, than having to make these decisions, alone. It's my life, and I'm living it. One day at a time, like the proverbial recovering alcoholic. Step by tedious step, because there is no other way, or you fall into a pit of despair, and there's no way to work your way out from it.
And I don't want to fall back into that place. I don't want to be back in the darkness that I'd been in for so long, I can still remember it, all too clearly. But by the same token, living what feels, sometimes to me, as though I'm a recovering addict, is also painful.
I just wish I could look around, and feel normal. Like me again, instead of a survivor of some awful war.
Appareo Decet Nihil Munditia?
Once more, with feeling! Sooooo.....if you're going to be getting down, for the sake of getting down...Oh, oops, sorry Tracy, NSFW. Go work or something, and read this later. Ok, back to our regularly scheduled blog. If you're going to be screwing around with your boyfriend, there are things you should be attending to. For the sake of convenience, we're going to assume that all of you are women, and you stick strictly to men, because, well, I'm lazy at the moment. Sorry about that.
Alright. Ladies! Men? They have more body parts than *just* the penis to fondle! They really do! There's an entire body there, and you can manipulate it at will. And most men will thank you for it! They've got nipples too you know! And balls! Please to be not neglecting their balls! I'm not saying abuse them, because, well, that's just cruel. But don't ignore them either. If you're going to be down there anyhow, you might as well involve them in the fun and games.
I will include the caveat of this: Talk to your partner, ask him what he likes, doesn't like, and what feels good. There are levels of fun, and what makes him comfortable. But for the most part, you'll find that he will be a happy camper indeed, and your interest? Is going to make him feel like king of the mountain.
Don't be afraid to explore. You might just discover that it's fun. And we all know where fun leads. It leads to...once more, with feeling!
Oh, and the title translation: Is it not nifty?
Alright. Ladies! Men? They have more body parts than *just* the penis to fondle! They really do! There's an entire body there, and you can manipulate it at will. And most men will thank you for it! They've got nipples too you know! And balls! Please to be not neglecting their balls! I'm not saying abuse them, because, well, that's just cruel. But don't ignore them either. If you're going to be down there anyhow, you might as well involve them in the fun and games.
I will include the caveat of this: Talk to your partner, ask him what he likes, doesn't like, and what feels good. There are levels of fun, and what makes him comfortable. But for the most part, you'll find that he will be a happy camper indeed, and your interest? Is going to make him feel like king of the mountain.
Don't be afraid to explore. You might just discover that it's fun. And we all know where fun leads. It leads to...once more, with feeling!
Oh, and the title translation: Is it not nifty?
Monday, February 2, 2009
Service announcement about death and responsibility
Someone had a very good point recently, and I get enough traffic here now to put this online, so here it is. A lot of people around me recently have died, in one fashion or another, as a result of unforeseen circumstances, ill health, or just stupidity. But in several of those cases, none of them have left a will.
And while I understand that no one wants to think about what might happen when they're gone? It leaves a lot of trouble behind, and things to untangle and take care of, if you haven't actually made one up. So, here's a place you can go to get handy legal forms by state for such things as wills.
If you have children? You have zero excuse to not go, and get this form. None. Make damn sure your kids are taken care of, that they aren't going to land in foster care, or with gods only know who, because you were too lazy or irresponsible to not take out the ten minutes, right now, to go and download a form, and get that taken care of.
Life isn't guaranteed, and it's not predictable.
That being said, that was my public service announcement for today, and I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. I will return with something not so depressing, and responsible later. I'll think of something appropriately weird and funny.
And while I understand that no one wants to think about what might happen when they're gone? It leaves a lot of trouble behind, and things to untangle and take care of, if you haven't actually made one up. So, here's a place you can go to get handy legal forms by state for such things as wills.
If you have children? You have zero excuse to not go, and get this form. None. Make damn sure your kids are taken care of, that they aren't going to land in foster care, or with gods only know who, because you were too lazy or irresponsible to not take out the ten minutes, right now, to go and download a form, and get that taken care of.
Life isn't guaranteed, and it's not predictable.
That being said, that was my public service announcement for today, and I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. I will return with something not so depressing, and responsible later. I'll think of something appropriately weird and funny.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
the sound is rain inside of my head
No matter what I do, what I keep hearing, is the sound of rain, pattering against the windowpane, inside of my head. There is no rain outside. It's perfectly clear out there. Somehow, it's all in my mind. I have earplugs in, right now, trying to garner a silence that isn't altogether successful, but it's somewhat better, at least some of the external sounds have stopped.
I might have fallen down into an alternate reality over the last few days, into bizzaro-world. I keep sort of wondering if I'm going to wake up one morning, and find that the last couple of years didn't actually happen, and that while I can still *remember* the last couple of years? Everything is back to where it was, and I'm supposed to...what? Run-through a do-over? Make different choices, with the memory of the time in between in place, so I can change the way things happened?
Bizarre, I tell you. Looking around, and wondering how it is that I appear to have falling into alternate reality world is disconcerting at best, disturbing at worst.
To the point that my speech goes in and out at random, because I've been that disturbed. I'm not angry, I'm not ready to rip people's heads off. It's just weird. Monkey isn't a child anymore. She's all teenage angst and attitude. She's tall, and filling out, and almost unrecognizable. She'll be happily slouching down the road to slacker with lofty goals in no time. (eyeroll)
All kidding aside, few more years, and she actually *will* be an adult. I came right smack up against that last night, looking at the now-grown Jackie, who is going to be *nineteen* shortly. I know how old she is, but in my mind she's still 'munchkin', the ten-year-old, who was struggling with her math homework. And she's beautiful, and she's got a job, and a car, and a life. It's obvious that she's a young woman, with life ahead of her...and that Monkey's fast headed that way.
Bizarro-world, everybody on board? I'm looking for a new apartment, which will more or less solidify the rest of the changes to the life I've made, which sort of threw me, when I realized what it meant. I want to be closer to school. I know what I want, in an apartment, and why I want it. I have this list of must-haves, and wants, and places I refuse to live. And at the end of the day, it will be exactly the way I want it to be.
....
(sometime later)
....
So much trouble focusing. I keep thinking that something is off with my meds, that I'm having this much trouble focusing, or it might be that I need some serious sleep. I'll have to figure out which, and respond accordingly. I've done more than 3/4 of my school assignments, which means theoretically I can call it quits, and finish the other bits tomorrow. Linguistics, Psych, and Mgmt, oh my! I can more or less toss the typing class out in about fifteen minutes flat, which is handy, and that's the one I haven't done yet. But I have a tests due Wednesday, that I'm going to need to study for tomorrow, and discussions that will need thought as well. It's more in-depth than the first semester, but at the same time, also much more interesting.
Next semester, I really want to take a sign language course, and several more Psych courses, and there were some sociology classes I want. But almost all of them are on-campus things, ergo, why I want to be closer to the campus. Gas prices will kill me if I have to go back and forth every day. Sigh. But I think I might be okay now, with actually taking more of my classes as a 'regular' student. I'm at least more willing to give it a shot. I need to discuss it with my counselor. She's awesome.
And by next semester, I will have decided for sure what it is that I want to do, SW or law. That will decide what transfer courses I need to be lined up for as well. And my life will then get infinitely more complicated, as I'll have to start taking courses that are difficult for me, like math classes.
We shall see.
I might have fallen down into an alternate reality over the last few days, into bizzaro-world. I keep sort of wondering if I'm going to wake up one morning, and find that the last couple of years didn't actually happen, and that while I can still *remember* the last couple of years? Everything is back to where it was, and I'm supposed to...what? Run-through a do-over? Make different choices, with the memory of the time in between in place, so I can change the way things happened?
Bizarre, I tell you. Looking around, and wondering how it is that I appear to have falling into alternate reality world is disconcerting at best, disturbing at worst.
To the point that my speech goes in and out at random, because I've been that disturbed. I'm not angry, I'm not ready to rip people's heads off. It's just weird. Monkey isn't a child anymore. She's all teenage angst and attitude. She's tall, and filling out, and almost unrecognizable. She'll be happily slouching down the road to slacker with lofty goals in no time. (eyeroll)
All kidding aside, few more years, and she actually *will* be an adult. I came right smack up against that last night, looking at the now-grown Jackie, who is going to be *nineteen* shortly. I know how old she is, but in my mind she's still 'munchkin', the ten-year-old, who was struggling with her math homework. And she's beautiful, and she's got a job, and a car, and a life. It's obvious that she's a young woman, with life ahead of her...and that Monkey's fast headed that way.
Bizarro-world, everybody on board? I'm looking for a new apartment, which will more or less solidify the rest of the changes to the life I've made, which sort of threw me, when I realized what it meant. I want to be closer to school. I know what I want, in an apartment, and why I want it. I have this list of must-haves, and wants, and places I refuse to live. And at the end of the day, it will be exactly the way I want it to be.
....
(sometime later)
....
So much trouble focusing. I keep thinking that something is off with my meds, that I'm having this much trouble focusing, or it might be that I need some serious sleep. I'll have to figure out which, and respond accordingly. I've done more than 3/4 of my school assignments, which means theoretically I can call it quits, and finish the other bits tomorrow. Linguistics, Psych, and Mgmt, oh my! I can more or less toss the typing class out in about fifteen minutes flat, which is handy, and that's the one I haven't done yet. But I have a tests due Wednesday, that I'm going to need to study for tomorrow, and discussions that will need thought as well. It's more in-depth than the first semester, but at the same time, also much more interesting.
Next semester, I really want to take a sign language course, and several more Psych courses, and there were some sociology classes I want. But almost all of them are on-campus things, ergo, why I want to be closer to the campus. Gas prices will kill me if I have to go back and forth every day. Sigh. But I think I might be okay now, with actually taking more of my classes as a 'regular' student. I'm at least more willing to give it a shot. I need to discuss it with my counselor. She's awesome.
And by next semester, I will have decided for sure what it is that I want to do, SW or law. That will decide what transfer courses I need to be lined up for as well. And my life will then get infinitely more complicated, as I'll have to start taking courses that are difficult for me, like math classes.
We shall see.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
