Friday, October 31, 2008

Let's do the time warp...

So it would appear that Fresno is putting on a live show, albeit a little tweaked, and somewhat updated from its retro ancestor, of the much-beloved "Rocky Horror Picture Show". That's right, there's going to be a theater show, done at the Artists' Repertory Theatre here in Fresno.

I think it might be interesting, to see a live show, which they admit is geared strictly for the adult audience, and to see how they've 'updated' Rocky Horror.

What I want

More than anything? Is to have enough money to get a plane ticket, to fly to Montana next October, from the 8th until the 11th. Camp Make-A-Dream 14th Annual Women's Cancer Retreat (October 8-11, 2009)

The Women's Cancer Retreat is offered to women who have been diagnosed with any form of cancer and is not diagnosis specific. We can accommodate up to 65 women at each retreat on a first come, first serve basis.

Registration fee for the four-day retreat is $150.00.

* Women who are currently undergoing cancer treatment are welcome
* Medical staff available during the retreat.

To get on the mailing list for this retreat, please contact Jennifer Benton at : jennifer@campdream.org or call (406)549-5987. Registration forms will be available in the spring and posted to this website as well.

Transportation to Montana for these retreats is not included in the registration fee; however, if you are flying into Missoula, Montana, we will pick you up at the Missoula airport and transport you to and from the camp facility in Gold Creek (which is approximately 65 miles east of Missoula).

That's what I want. I want to be able to go, and for four days, spend my time on 85 acres in Montana, with a place full of women like me. Who would understand what it's like to be me, every single day. Survivors, who went through things like I went through, and are still here. I want to be able to afford to fly into Missoula, Montana, and stay at a ranch for four days, and then come back to my life.

Maybe it's stupid, and petty, and pathetic. Making dumb little art projects, and talking with people I don't know, and doing little junior high campfires, or whatever it is you do. But people have been asking me what I want, or why I'm sad, or what's going on. Well, that's what I want. I want to go to a place, where everyone will understand what's going on inside of me. Where I don't need to try and explain it, or put on some sort of happy face for them. Because they'll just *know*.

And I probably won't be able to manage it. But, hey, maybe in a couple of years I'll be able to manage it, and then I'll go. The camp isn't going anyplace. Perhaps I'll see if they need a volunteer for the junior camp, as a counselor or something, and be able to go that way, over the summer. Who knows.

I'm going to bed now. It's raining, and I can sleep, listening to the rain.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

When it isn't okay?

What do you do then? And it's a slippery slope, right? When do you decide between taking the pills because you have to take them in order to function, and feel like a human being, or are you taking them to block out the reality that's become your life?

To be somewhat more pleasant, or to just not deal with anything? And yes, you don't actually need to take them. Can go weeks at a time without so much as taking the lid off the bottles. In fact, months in between. But deep down, everything is just so much better when you take them by the handful, all day long. And there's a nice, pleasant haze over everything.

Nothing hurts, then. Physically, some things still hurt. It takes the edge off, and the drugs do what they're designed to do. And hey, you can still function, work, talk, interact with everyone and everything around you. But emotionally? You feel none of the dark despair that coats every aspect of your life, and that's a damn good change of pace.

And when do you decide which way is wrong? After all, they're yours. Nice and sweet and legal. No funny business, nothing wrong here. Even taking less than the recommended doses! Not taking things from other sources, not taking anything off-label. Absolutely nothing strange going on.

But, oh, the wonderful glazed feeling, where nothing can touch you. A haze, where nothing matters, and it doesn't matter what will happen tomorrow, or next week, or hell, even five minutes from now, or two minutes ago. What happened last year, or six months ago? Gone, in a lovely batch of pills that are all yours. And the supply won't run out, because they're meant for you, and no one else.

You don't have to worry about where you'll get more from, and you don't need to think about the things those "other" people who are "addicts" need to think about. It's such a fine line, right? You don't smoke, and you don't drink. And you only take doctor prescribed medications, and you don't do any of the bad things. You're a good person. You don't break laws, and you aren't hurting anyone.

Except maybe yourself. But even that you're not sure about anymore. How can it be bad if it finally makes everything stop hurting for a while? If it makes sleep come, and the nightmares stop? Six months is a long time to go without being able to sleep without nightmares. To try and function like a normal person, without shattering into pieces, with no one to hold onto, and no way to get through.

So who draws the line, between right and wrong, when the only person you have to make decisions for is yourself?

Oh, the Antec 900. Feel the black steel

Yeah, okay. I've gone to the dark side. They had cookies. And better computers. Here are the specs:

Antec 900 Black Steel ATX Mid Tower computer Case

Asus P5Q Pro LGA 775 Intel P45 ATX Intel Motherboard
Intel Core 2 Duo E8500 Wolfdale 3.6 GHz LGA 775 65W Dual-Core Processor

Asus EN9800GTX+ DK/HTDI/512m GeForce 9800 GTX+ 512MB 256-bit GDDR3 PCI Express 2.0 x16 HDCP Ready SLI Supported Video Card

Antec Signature SG650 650W ATX12V/EPS12V SLI Certified CrossFire Ready 80 PLUS Certified Modular Active PFC Power Supply

OCZ Fatal1ty Edition 8 GB (4 X 2GB) 240-Pin DDR SDRAM DDR2 1066 (PS2 8500)

Arctic Cooling Freezer 7 Pro 92mm CPU cooler

Western Digital Caviar SE16 640GB 7200 RPM SATA 3.0Gb/s HD

MS Windows Vista Home Premium SP1 64-bit English for System Builders


And there's a Phillips DVD burner going into the new rig, and my regular keyboard, and a new trackball mouse, the new headset that Sis & Shawn got me for my birthday to use for Vent.


The old system? Being converted into a Linux box, and I'm signing onto the Fresno Linux group, as I'll be needing to learn it, and that's the fastest way I can think of. Guess it's time to embrace my inner geek, and accept that I truly do want to be educated about some things in a more technical fashion.

But that computer's gonna be sweet. Will post pics once I have it up and running. Rest of the parts will be here Monday. Only the case is here so far.

Monday, October 27, 2008

He came back last night, and nothing ever hurt me so much. Standing on the darkened doorstep, the sound of the doorchime echoing through the silent apartment, startling me out of my normal evening routine. I wasn't even particularly thinking of him anymore, when I opened it. And there he was.

And the memories and feelings hit me like a freight train, crushing me under the weight of what I'd lost. What I discovered in that instant I wasn't sure I even wanted again. And still, more fool I, I let him in.

"Are you...?", my words just fell into silence, as I found I had nothing to say, nothing I wanted to ask. Did I want to know why he was there? No, as it turned out. I knew what he was there for. The real question is whether or not I wanted to be that person again.

I waited, to see what he'd say, to see if he'd even bother with an apology. He moved toward me, to hold me, to try and return to the way things had been. And I moved away. It wasn't going to be easy. Things changed, I changed.

Sometimes, things can circle around, and go back and rings within rings can make connections. And sometimes, things just change. And sometimes things can break so many times, that at a certain point, no amount of glue can repair the damage anymore, and cracks show through, and the precious glass shatters into myriad pieces, to never be repaired again.

And sometimes, if the glass is placed under intense fire, it will melt into something new, and sometimes the new art won't look the same. It will meld, and it will change, and it will morph into something entirely different. But different doesn't mean it can't be beautiful and unique. It simply means it is no longer what it was. And the process of tempering it, will make it stronger, because the cracks that were there, have been removed, and the piece is whole once more.

And I looked at him, standing there. With his beautiful eyes, and the body I loved so well, and asked finally, "Why are you here? There isn't really anyone here that you want, is there?", and watched as he stared at me in confusion.

The idea that I'd finally reached the place where I didn't desperately want or need him, or throw myself into his open arms, was beyond comprehension. The concept that I wouldn't just sit, and wait until it was convenient for him to come back and dust me off, and use me again, that didn't make any sense. I could see it in his eyes.

Women didn't get over him, he got over them. He chose when and where and how it ended. And I did the unfathomable, and simply didn't care anymore. I looked at a man I would have willingly walked through fire for, and felt...nothing. Less than nothing, when I realized I couldn't quite work up enough concern to even ask how he was doing, or any of the common courtesy questions that one asks an acquaintance.

And he talked, because he never lacked for his poetic words, beautiful words that meant nothing, and when he ran out of those words, I let him leave. Because it doesn't matter anymore, and then it was over. There was nothing left to try and save. The feelings were all on my side, and all his pretty words were lies. Certainly, he would have preferred it if he'd been able to get laid again. For I was good at that, and there were side benefits to it. But we weren't even friends, it was nothing more than a convenient outlet for him, which I suspect was truly why he was here.

He isn't capable of being honest with himself enough to admit that. He never will be able to be honest enough to see a lot of things about himself. He will continue to go on his way, and manipulate and use the women who fall prey to his charm, and the beautiful words he can speak and write, and then be left behind when he grows bored, and moves on to the next one that he falls in love with.

And that's fine, as long as the victims aren't me. Let someone else pick up the pieces of the poor, shattered man that he portrays. Let someone else comfort him in the middle of the night, and try to take care of him. He took everything I had to give, and gave me absolutely nothing in return, and it took me a very long time to see any of it. I made excuse after excuse for his pathetic behaviour, and made myself into a fool, and made myself available to be emotionally destroyed.

Epic fail on my part. No more.

Air, Earth, Fire, Water - Elemental - Spirit

Air is not for me, it's not mine. I have almost no affinity for the common themes of Air when associated with my path, with the things I choose to follow. New beginnings, childhood and fresh starts. Brightness, light. The things that surround and lift, and represent through air, those things aren't me. It's actually fairly apt that it's not my sign, or the symbol to fit me. There are two, both water and fire are mine. Water, as my Zodiac Cancer, and Fire for my Chinese Snake, both are mine. Peculiar, as I once would have thought they might have canceled each other out, but they don't.

They balance me, now. I love the rain. I love the sound of it, the smell of it, and as I've written before, the first good storm of a season soothes me in a way nothing else can. The ocean has the same effect, and I'll most likely head for it soon, to escape all the turmoil that's been going on here for the last few weeks if I can manage it. I might not be able to, and if I can't, I'll head for the nearest large body of water, because it calms me down.

And Fire. Fire still seems apt to fit me, even now. I'm more calm than I used to be. But under the calm exterior I've learned to present, if someone managed to take a reading showing what went on under that surface, it would flame bright and high, and clean. And it would most likely be vicious, and of the third-degree variety. And yet, I can sit cold as ice, under most circumstances now.

More so, over the last couple of months. I've been refining, and meditating, and it's becoming more evident in my control. And I've had fairly good control, and it's better now. I've been practicing more than I have in years, now that I'm in school, I've simply chosen to increase my practice of Wicca as well. And I'm glad that I did.

And then there's earth. I choose to embrace that, as it interests me, more than because it chooses me. Nature interests me. Not in the "oh, let's go camping" kind of interest, but in the aspect that I can feel the things around me, and that makes me feel complete. And I enjoy that, and I see no reason to not embrace that.

And last, but not least, I'll throw out there for good measure, to anyone who is interested, spirit. The last element, as it were. Because there are five, total, that make up who and what I am, and what makes me, me. And makes me whole.

Some of them are broken right now, and I'm working on repairing that. It's been a long month, and I'm filled with nothing but gratitude that I have the next little while that I can focus solely on pulling myself out of the slump, and that Samhain approaches quickly now, and as such, can pass on by, and be done with it. It's time now, to move on, and to let the veil stop being quite so thin.

I'm going to need to re-read this tomorrow, as it's very late, and I'm not certain of the coherency of this post. I'm exhausted, again. Brody, if it doesn't make sense, tell me tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I joined the ranks.

Of project playlist. And I joined it, because I wanted to post more lyrics, to a song called "Shattered", but I got tired of posting lyrics. So I instead put on a playlist.

And now I'm going to bed. Because I'm sick, and I don't feel good, and nothing feels right. And I'm taking many drugs, and collapsing.

Bye.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

the funniest things

In the middle of the night, the things that seem to garner the most amusement for me? Are the lies. Not that I can generally tell for certain whether or not I've been lied to on any given subject lately. Which is, in large part, why I cut so many things down to the bone. It narrowed the field, and made things a lot easier on the "who did what to whom" scenarios.

But as things stand right now:

I'm fairly sure, by process of elimination and the extreme lengths to which people went to try and assure me of what wasn't going on, that I was right in my original summation of various events. They seem to actually have amped up and culminated quite a lot faster than I'd've thought. Oh, the comedic irony. It's the downside of "he doth protest too much".

I am no longer speaking to probably 90% of the people I knew. I now have "acquaintances". I probably always did, and because I kept trying to maintain friendships, instead of accepting the reality of life, and wanting to have people treat me with the courtesy I showed them, I ended up with not really wanting to keep anyone in my life. I'm sure I will allow a few people loosely back in, though not as close friends. My trust and comfort level will never return, and I choose to maintain that. For my sanity and for my personal emotional health. I won't again let myself be placed where I was at the beginning of October.

I've come to the conclusion that October 3rd is just a shitty day for me now.

I gave it two weeks, to see if anyone would come wandering out of the woodwork. To see if anyone would notice my absence from their lives, show concern for my well-being, without needing to be given a set of directions on how to be a friend. Two weeks, to see if anyone cared enough to be here.

The sad truth is that, no, no one cared. Nobody noticed, and nothing will remain now as it once was. I had vaguely hoped I mattered still, and that hurt will remain for a while. But the wound is slowly scabbing over, and the day-to-day chore of living my life is blunting the blow of loss.

Moving on:

Sissa's peeved with me, cuz I had to ask for my sewing machine back. I didn't have a choice! I keep shrinking out of my clothes, and my only practical solution is get back my machine and the fabric that's in Bakersfield, so I can start making smaller clothes. I certainly can't keep buying smaller ones, not with the ton of fabric and a sewing machine that I am skilled enough to use sitting down there. And it sucks, but at this juncture, I'm kind of out of other practical options. Patterns are cheaper than manufactured clothes. And I don't mean to make anyone mad, or upset. I just can't keep spending money on clothes, and it sucks all the way around.

Jeremiah called, and he's exhausted, and stressed out over money. He's been working for 10+ hours today, and it's been like that for the whole damned week. Moving 70 lbs boxes sucks, and while it's a paycheck, and all that happy horseshit, and yes, bills to be paid, I get it. It still sucks. Getting no sleep, and working crap hours, and still barely paying the bills blows. Been there, done that. Well, minus the lugging heavy ass boxes part. I couldn't do that if I had to. I should be grateful. I am grateful, actually. But it still sucks when he calls and he's that exhausted, and all I can do is say be careful, and hope he'll get some sleep before he starts all over again tomorrow.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Jezebel

I miss you Cass.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The hits just keep coming...

First was Trinette's grandfather. Then it was my aunt, Amy. Last night was Stewie's grandfather. That's three. It goes in threes, correct? Mercury moved out of retrograde on the 15th, and things are supposed to settle back down now, and all I can do is hope that will actually be correct, and for the sake of the people I care about, things are going to go right-side-up again now.

My grandfather and my (only now) aunt, came down today, to clear out his apartment, and discovered that it had actually been completely ransacked, someone had gone through all of Amy's things, looking for Gods only know what. Nothing of Grandpa's stuff was missing, but it still seems eerie, like grave-robbing almost. I know more or less what they were looking for, but it still kind of creeps me out. I'm glad now that I wasn't willing to leave him there. I cringe to think of what might have happened to my elderly grandfather there alone, with who-only-knows what types of people wanting entrance to go through Amy's effects, and I know he wouldn't have allowed it.

I'm more or less caught up on my schoolwork. I have one more assignment that's due Saturday, and I'll do it tomorrow night. Tomorrow is grocery shopping with Brody day, so I'll be doing that for at least a little while. I need to do a couple of other errands, and I have a colossal fuck-ton of laundry I have to run.

I think I'm going to try my hand at making pork fried rice in my new wok, now that I finally have one again. Grandma Kitty gave it to me, since she doesn't have a use for it, and she knew I was thinking about getting one for Christmas. Or Hanukkah. Or Yule. Or whatever. End result being that I now have one, and I'm thinking about attempting to make pork fried rice, since I have some leftover pork that would I can make into it, and I'm rambling again.

I have a rather long list of household chores I want to do tomorrow as well, once I'm done with the errands, and that should soothe me somewhat, whilst I chat with Jeremiah if he'll put up with my housekeeping, instead of WoW'ing with him. I don't think he'll mind overmuch. He doesn't seem to mind me wandering about doing other things while we chat. It's a good thing that cell minutes are free, or talking to him would be costing me a fortune. It's almost ridiculous how much time I'm spending on the phone.

My hair has gotten long again now. I can almost see me again, when I look at me now. Someday, I might actually open the doors, and let someone in again. Someday.

My Deepest Sympathies

For my well-loved Stewie, and my sympathies to him, and his family. His beloved grandfather passed last night, and my love and comfort go out to him, and anything I can do for him, I will. Please think about him, and send healing thoughts to him. I hope that he will heal quickly and cleanly, and be alright.

I love you Stewie.

I fucking hate this month.

Blogging about life

I haven't been blogging, I needed to think about some things, and I've now done that. I have a new theme song, for my life. I heard it on the radio, as I drove back to Grandma Kitty's house, for her 80th birthday party. It's by a woman named Leona Lewis, and it's called "Better in Time". Lyrics thusly:

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be okay

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice
Boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be okay

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

So that caught my attention while I was driving, enough for me to go and figure out who sings it, and pull it down for iTunes. I was surprised to realize, on that day, that yes I actually do finally believe that I deserve to smile again. Even as everything for the last couple of weeks has been complete and utter chaos around me, while it certainly feels like mine, and many others' lives, have gone completely to shit, I still think I deserve to smile.

Everything will get better. Ripping off a band-aid from a fresh-healed wound hurts too, but it still gets better once you've torn it off. And I was surprised. So I decided that was my new anthem.

I cut a lot of people out of my life at the beginning of October, when I had to deal with Amy's death, and no one was here for me. Cut a lot of people off completely, and I'm sure a lot of people are either hurt, or angry, or both. So am I. Angry at myself, for letting things go on as long as I did, and for allowing myself to keep repeating the same cycles, which ended with me being damaged, and alone.

If I'm going to be alone, it will be by choice now, and not because I was abandoned. And I'm okay with that. The small circle of people I've chosen to keep close to me, I know I can count on, and that's how I choose to keep it. Interestingly, I have a male interest as well, long-distance interest. The irony of the situation being that I can now hold myself up for a certain amount of ridicule due to my long-held opinion of long-distance relationships and their lack of stability, etc. I spend most of my time on the phone talking, since I can't be there. It's kind of amusing, even to myself.

And, for the sake of equal funnies, he's Jewish. And there's another Jewish boy up there too, with Jeremiah. His name is Josh, and he's "a short, fat, Jewish guy, with a stomach that's a fuel tank for a sex machine." Josh wishes the world to know that he's available in Washington. Requirements? Must bring Challah. Josh is pretty funny, although it's Jeremiah that I spend most of my time talking to. Well, usually. Unless I'm on speakerphone, then I talk to both of them.

Where was I going with this? They distracted me. Oh yes. Josh wants someone to bring him Challah. And Jeremiah is talking about wanting someone to beat him. They're both Jewish, would most likely make my dad happy, and perhaps I should start checking out Jewish boys? Who knows.

I have a shitload of homework I should technically be doing, and not blogging on the internets, but this seemed like more fun right now.

But on a more serious note. My grandfather is up north now, with my aunt, and he'll be settled there. My life is kind of settling back down into a routine, now that he's gone, although I have to admit it was nice, to spend some time with him. My biggest problem is honestly that I've grown too solitary in my ways, over the last six months, and I simply can't adjust anymore to sharing my space. There was too much for me to handle. I can't hack it anymore. I want to be able to do everything, and I can't.

It makes me feel like a failure, that I can't be what I need to be, to take care of him, but I know that I can't. And I hate that. But rather than simply run myself into the ground, and fail everyone, I did the best I could, and let it go. That's all I could do.

Mid-terms week was a nightmare. I managed to hold most of it together, and the last of it is still going on this week. I have one more set of Mastery tests to do tomorrow during the day, and two summaries to post, and some vocabulary tests to take, and I'll be clear. Well, at least on mid-terms. I still need to catch up the rest of the classes. I constantly feel like I'm dropping behind on something, but there isn't much I can do about any of that. It's a constant race to somewhere, but I haven't yet figured out where, precisely.

I go in next week to sign up for the spring semester classes, and while I know for sure what three of the four are, I'm debating in my head on taking the health class. I think I might talk to my counselor and see if I can take one more English course, instead of health. Not sure, though. We'll see what she recommends. Either way, I *know* I want all four online only, because I do *not* want to be going on-campus at all next semester. First, I can't afford the gas. Second, I can't afford to keep replacing my clothes while I keep shrinking constantly. And finally, I just don't want to come into contact with anyone for six or so months, while I put myself back together again. Not for school, at any rate.

I've enjoyed the online courses more than the hybrid class for school. I'll be grateful once that class is over. It isn't the class itself, although that is difficult enough. It's the stress involved with the face-to-face aspect of it. I need the break from the fear factor of human contact that I'm having panic attacks from. I'll breach that some other time, but not right now.

I think I've covered everything I want to say for right now, and I definitely need to get some sleep, before I haul it out of bed in three hours, and start all over again. School, homework, life. The never-ending repetitive aspect that I'm kind of glad to have back again.

Goodnight internets.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Secret word of the week

My word of the week this week is:

"solitary"

As defined by www.dictionary.com

And a slight update for my life, because I choose to not make a different post. My grandfather is still with me, for another week or so, and then he'll be moving up north, to live with another of his children, not to Nevada, as I had originally thought. He seems to be doing alright, although it's kind of hard to tell from day to day. I'm still holding things together, because that's what I do. I'm not sure how well I'll hold it together once he's gone.

I'm more or less buried under schoolwork, and this is mid-term week as well, which is going to be...complicated, with my grandfather here, but I'll manage. I hope? There isn't a lot I can do. I am under a colossal amount of stress, and once things are settled with my Aunt Amy's body, and my grandfather is settled up north, I suspect that I will pull further back into my shell than I had before.

I would ordinarily apologize now, for the feelings I might be about to bruise by my pulling away from people, but I'm not going to anymore. Everyone said all the right things about being there if I need them, and how I can always call, during my time of need or whatever this last week. But when it came right down to it, I know now exactly who I can count on, when I really *need* someone. The people who actually physically showed up, and were willing to drop everything when there was truly an emergency in *my* life, the same way I always have for everyone else.

And I have to admit, that I'm feeling really raw, and really hurt. There is one person who didn't make it to my side, and the only thing that prevented her/them from being here? Was sheer distance, or she'd've been standing here right now, and I know it. So for my EastCoast sweetheart, know that. I know very well that if you could have, you'd be sitting here eating chocolate with me, and this doesn't apply to you. On the other hand, she's called, every day, and done nothing but asked how I am, and listened to me rant, and said nothing about all the problems I know damned well she's been dealing with. And I appreciate that more than I can even begin to express. I love you.

So yes. I'm hurt. I feel betrayed, and I'm just...tired. I'm tired of all of it. I have bent over backwards, for everyone, and I rarely actually ask anything for myself, of anyone. I listen to everybody's problems, and don't really ask for anybody to try and help me out with mine. But this week? I *needed* help. If nothing else, I needed support, and comfort.

And I freely admit, that I said, at the complete base of the pit of hell, that all I really wanted was Phillip, this week. And three people who honestly would rather have eaten nails, than heard me say those words? Those three people, I know now, actually did what they could, to try and find him for me. Because I hurt, and I didn't and don't want to be alone. And that would have made me feel better. And knowing that they were all three willing to suck it up, and try to make it better for me, meant worlds to me. I know they don't approve. I know what it cost them, to try and do that for me, whether he showed up or not.

I feel...empty. I feel solitary, and lost. Trying to keep my grandfather going, and trying to figure out why I feel alone and empty is hard. And I've been tempted, more tempted than I like admitting, to do something utterly stupid, and I've fought that off. I had and have too many people counting on me. My little brother would be crushed to see me crumble. My grandfather needs me too much. I don't have the option of falling apart.

But now? Now that I'm still holding it together? I've decided that I'm not sure anymore, whether I want to keep trying to make time for, and help out, everyone else...When apparently, no one cares enough to do that for me, not when it really matters. I realize that it's not supposed to be something kept score of. And I don't generally keep a running tally of such things. But at this point, I have completely depleted emotional reserves. And when something damages you this badly, it becomes difficult to care about anyone anymore, when they show such little concern, really. And fluffy words are so easy to say, when there's no real action behind them.

I need to think. And when my thinking is done, then my decisions will most likely be made.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

I do not feel well.

I am going to go and lay on the couch, with a blankie, and watch movies. I feel...alone. I do not like this feeling.

Last year, it was Cassie, on October 18th. This year, it's apparently my Aunt, and I had to identify the body. And I'm alone again.

I don't want to be alone.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

When is this day or week or month going to be over?

Today is October 1st, 2008. My aunt Amy died this morning, and I got the truly exciting activity of going to identify her body this afternoon. And that hammered home for me today just how truly alone I am now. I did what needed to be done, and I found my grandfather, thanks to a wonderful woman at the Coroner's office, who went above and beyond to help me track an address, and locate him. He's safe with me now, until my parents can get into town, so that he can move out there with them.

But that wasn't where I was going with this. I realized today, when I viewed a body alone, that that's how it is now. I have built my life, and walled it in. Partly by choice, and partly out of necessity.

But the end result has become the same. When the chips fell today? I stood alone. And when I go to sleep tonight? There will be no one here, to hold me, and to let me cry on their shoulder. I am alone. The few people that I trust enough to let that close? Are either too far away to simply go and garner comfort from them, or they are here, but are too busy with their lives to make it practical.

I am separate, and isolated, and it's painful. It was painfully obvious today. It is painfully obvious tonight. Will I call, and cry on someone? No, of course not. Will I beg for solace and comfort from anyone, and show the weakness that I feel, and accept that I need something?

No, that I won't. Because I tried to ask for help today. And was rebuffed. I remember now, clearly, why it is that I stopped trying to ask for help, stopped admitting that I couldn't do everything for myself in the first place.

A few days ago, I made a comment to a friend, about how much I envied her the strength that she draws from the love she shares with her partner. And she questioned me about it. I guess it struck her as very strange, the way I phrased it. It makes her strong, that love. And she asks me what it is that makes me strong. The only answer I had to give her was "purpose". Love never worked for me.

I'm strong. But I have purpose, I get things done. Even when I'm about to shatter. Even when everything around me is crashing down, and all I want to do is sit and cry, and scream about how unfair it is, and how everything hurts. I still move forward, and move on, and get things done. I have purpose. That's where my strength lies. Love doesn't make me strong. Purpose does. I guess everyone has something.

I would have dearly loved to just sit and stop today, when I got that call. I would rather have sat and cried, and let it be handled by someone else. But I wasn't willing to let my grandfather view the body of his beloved daughter. I was who was here, and it had to be done. And when no one was here to help me? I did what needed to be done, because that's what I do. It sucked. But it got done.

And now? My grandfather is sitting behind me, on a recliner, with my cat. He's watching a Disney movie, and he's doing as well as can be expected. And I'm sitting here, quiet and alone. There is no one to comfort me. There never is, because this isn't the type of thing that I can call my new "buddy" Josh for. This isn't the type of situation for that.

I have my online friends, which is nice, I suppose. But you can't get a hug through a monitor. And sure, the local people here said the right things, and I give them full points for it. But they have their lives. Sissa would have driven directly here, if I would have let her, but I wouldn't. She has school, as do I, and it's the Jewish high holidays. Shawn is blowing the shofar for the ceremonies, and there is nothing she can do here for me, and I'll see her over the weekend. But I appreciate that she was willing to drop absolutely everything she was doing, to drive directly here. She must have offered six times.

I think I might have gotten off track a bit. Where I was going with that was that I realized that while I'm going to continue living here, I've accepted that I am truly alone here now. There is no one else. Even in an emergency, there's just me. And I needed to see the reality of that, and make contingency plans now, for that. I guess somewhere, I hadn't completely accepted it. And I have now.

But sometimes? Sometimes I still just want someone to hold at night, and a shoulder to cry on.