Sunday, August 31, 2008

medical things

I'm going to do a medical update for right now, that will be updated again in a couple of weeks when I go in for a full evaluation with my doctors, and get a series of bloodwork and new MRI and ultrasounds done. But for right now, this is more or less what's going on:

I'm having headaches again, and sometimes they're migraines, and sometimes they're just headaches. I'll be having them checked out by my neurologist when I go see him, and until that time there isn't anything I can do about it but handle things as best I can, so I haven't been mentioning it overmuch to anybody, and I'll continue going about my day-to-day routine until I can get some sort of answers from him.

My weight is still dropping, and I'm incorporating some other exercise routines in, because I need to vary things now, or I'm afraid it's going to come to a standstill, although I think I'll be okay with it if I do stall out at this point, because I actually feel better now than I have in years physically, and so I'm not going to complain if my weight remains where I am. I'm shocked at where I am, and can't really complain too much about how things stand right now. I'd be delighted to have more come off, but at the same time, am very pleased with things the way they are.

My lupus flares are getting worse, although for those of you who have seen me recently, obviously the makeup that I'm wearing is hiding the most visible of the rashes across my face, because no one has commented on it to me. Thanks, because I was very worried about it being visible. I'll be having my medications tweaked the next time I'm in with the doctors, I suspect my dosages need to be adjusted, because the flares are getting more frequent, as I was holding steady for quite a while, and that it's getting worse now doesn't necessarily bode evil, it simply means that I need to have my bloodwork checked, and see if things need to be upped.

My fibromyalgia is getting worse. There's no way around it, and I'm going to be adapting as best I can. The more weight I lose, the worse it's going to be. Unfortunately for me, the better my range of motion, and the better I move, the more pain I'm going to be in, and I refuse to take more pain medication, simply because it interferes too much with my lupus meds. So I'm trying to find middle ground, and it's difficult. I'm adjusting. I don't know what else I can do.

I was warned that because of my hip injury, and the fact that I refused surgery to fuse it, that between that injury and my FM, I was in for hell if I ever dropped a substantial amount of weight, and that has proven true. The chronic fatigue and the FM together, are doing quite a number on me, and I'm battling it back, because there are too many other things I want to be doing, and I refuse to give in. I'm stubborn that way.

It seems that for right now, I have my immune system holding more or less steady, which is a good thing. While I was in Bakersfield a couple of weeks ago visiting Shawn & Sissa, everyone else *except* me managed to get sick, so obviously I'm actually doing reasonably well for a change in that regard. I'm still taking the supplements, and boosters, to keep everything running, and they're doing their job.

I've been religiously taking the hormones to try and shrink down the cysts in my left ovary, and I won't know until they run the next ultrasound whether or not it's working, but I haven't missed taking anything that was prescribed to me, so I'm cautiously hopeful. I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do if it doesn't work. I'll know more in about three weeks.

They'll be checking out my liver again then, as well, along with running more tests to check all the levels and make sure that the mass doses of hormones aren't sending everything completely out of whack that way. I can only imagine the amount of blood they'll be taking when I go in this time. My "normal" pull is nine vials. Wonder what they're going to want now?

I got a letter from my insurance company, telling me that I've now gone into what's known as "catastrophic coverage", which tells me that from now until the end of the year, I no longer have to pay out the horrendous co-pays for out-of-pocket costs for my prescriptions, because I hit the limit. I didn't even know there was one, but evidently because of what my medications were costing to cover the therapies to treat the cysts, it bumped me into the next tier group, and so they're finally going to be paying for the hormones to help shrink the cysts, if they can be shrunk. That will help me out, a lot. I was grateful, once it sunk in what it all meant. And they tell me there's no limit on what the insurance will pay out through the end of the year. In January I have to start paying it myself again, but until then, they'll pick up the tab.

Yay? Yes, yay. I'm grateful, even if "catastrophic" sounds awful.

So those are my updates for right now, until I can get back some more concrete answers. That's what's going on with me right now.

Secret word of the week

This week it is:

"redress"

And as always, if you don't know it, you can find it on:

dictionary.com

Because I'm feeling cool like that, or helpful or something. Whatever. But that's it from me.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

I have a headache. And I am angry, and frustrated, and all I honestly want to do? Is go and get smashed. The kind of smashed that will completely obliterate how frustrated I feel. I want to hop in my car, swing through a liquor store and pick up a couple six packs of wine coolers, because I know that's what will get me lit up, and mix it together with a bunch of my painkillers, and put myself into a nice fuzzy world.

Where nothing and no one will hurt me for a while. And it's ridiculous, right? I probably won't, because there's not really a point to going out and working myself into a tailspin to make nothing hurt tonight. It will still crash down on me tomorrow, and unfortunately, I can't just stay in my fuzzy bubble, however much I might want to. But it would be nice, just for a little while, to be in a nice fuzzy world. Where nothing hurts, and no one hurts me.

I don't understand it. Since when do men expect sex in exchange for dinner? Or is that the common way of paying for a date, and I missed that train? Perhaps that is how it works, and I just wasn't aware of it. Maybe it's me, and not them. Fuck, I don't know anymore. That's the problem, right? I'm not in the habit of passing out sex as a reward, so I wouldn't know.

I'm not in the habit of dating in general, so I don't know what the "rules" are, because I didn't date. Perhaps I'm doing it wrong, the same way I do everything else wrong, when it comes down to life, love, and the pursuit of...whatever the hell it is I'm supposed to be pursuing.

Maybe I was better off being someone's dirty little secret, and that's why that's how I was treated. I really wasn't worth being taken to meet the parents. Hell, the parents never approved of me anyway, so why bother, right? Better to just get what they wanted, and move on to the "real" girlfriend, the one who was socially acceptable, that everybody could approve of, and that was out there for everybody to fawn over, and love. I'm not the one you love...I'm just the one you ask to fuck, right?

Maybe I will go and get smashed for a bit. Everything is bound to look better through the haze.

How *NOT* to get laid:

Step by step instruction guide gentlemen:

Ask a female out on a date. Meet your date for dinner, have a nice, leisurely meal, and enjoy good conversation on a broad range of topics. Eat good chinese food. Pick up the bill, pay for dinner. Everything's going good here so far!

Walk outside discussing whether or not to go to a local coffeehouse, or to perhaps have dessert somewhere.

*Take a package of condoms out of your pocket and say "Shall we go back to my hotel now or later?"* As though that is a given as the end result of a first date.

Queue *furious* date who then ditches you without another word, and refuses to answer the phone, and will then never speak to you or have further communication with you of any type.

This is a sure-fire way to guarantee you won't be getting laid by said female. Ever.

I suppose I should simply be grateful he doesn't know where I live and can't stalk me, and that I was able to get away unscathed for more than my pride. Why the hell are men jerks, and why did he figure I would be paying for my half of dinner with sex? WTF??

Wow. Oh, wow.

"I haven't seen you since '97." And he's right. I haven't seen him since 1997. I told him we should get together and have lunch or dinner or something, and play a game of "Where has the time gone?" Because it shocked me so much to realize that it's been that long, and it seems like yesterday that I saw him.

Can it really be eleven years? Monkey will be twelve tomorrow. And I've been out of high school for fifteen years, it says so on the framed piece of paper in my hallway. But it doesn't feelthat way. I don't feel that old. That much time just can't have passed, and seeing those words from an old friend startled me.

It always surprises me with things like that.

The truth is that I feel as though I slept my way through the last ten years, because in a very real way, I did. And now that I'm awake, and alive, and wanting desperately to have my life begin and do all the things I should have done, I want to embrace every part of the very rich opportunities that are right here for the taking.

I want to taste, and touch and feel everything, the way a woman who is in her early twenties does. Only that isn't the age I am, and it's incongruous to my physical age to be feeling the way I feel.

So I'll go, and I'll meet up with my old friend, and we'll sit and talk about old times, and the way it once was. And maybe I'll remember, and maybe I won't. And then I'll continue down this new road, walking along it some more, staring at the dusty road signs, and hoping the choices I'm making are the correct ones.

so yeah

Friday, August 29, 2008

I learned something new today

When you are poor, it's hard to say what you mean. Mostly because people don't really ask you something because they want the truth. You think they want to get the answer they expect. And that isn't always the the case. Sometimes people ask you a question, because they genuinely want to know. And sometimes you need to learn how to listen in a different way, or learn to phrase your questions in a different context.

Dignity is more important to the human spirit than wealth. When people gain income, they gain choice. Thanks to Jacqueline Novogratz. This is the lecture I listened to from Ms. Novogratz.

I've always known that's part of what's changed for me. I'm independent now. And it makes a huge difference for me, and how I live my life now, the fact that I'm no longer having to be dependent on someone else. And I can see how that would effect how I feel, dignity wise.

And from that same site as above, there are hundreds of other things that are thought-provoking, or inspiring. A collection of things to think about. Ideas worth spreading. So go, check it out, leave me comments or emails back telling me what you think, or pass it along, so that more people can hear about it!

Things like this should be shared.

Cheesecake and seeing stars

Ah, dating. What a weird and strange activity. So last night was the first "dating" experience, and I have to say it went well, and was rather pleasant. And the Cheesecake Factory? It rocks. Yay for cheesecakes. About a bajillion calories, I'm sure, but well worth every bite.

So we went out, and I did my hair, which totally sucked, and I won't be doing again, as by the end of the night, it was more or less collapsed, and he didn't seem to care much either way, I could have just brushed it out in the back and styled the bangs, so it's kind of irrelevant. Anyhow. Don't mind my babble.

We went and ate, and then went and played pool for a little while, and I met some of his friends, which was nice. They seem friendly and mature and mostly smart, with the occasional asshat average college frat boy types thrown in, but whatever. And we bowled. I've never actually bowled before, and it was fun. We didn't keep score, because I'd never done it before, and he told me that wouldn't be fair, and we could keep score next time. But I managed to knock the pins down! I had a good time. I already knew that I can shoot pool reasonably well, and he beat me once, and I beat him once, so that was all good, although I think he let me win. Not a big deal, I'm badly out of practice, and I suppose if we go out often enough, I can always brush up on my skills.

And then, we did the traditionally completely high school juvenile thing, and after having to search around for it, we went to sky habour, which you actually have to hike up to now. And so we did. We sat on a rock, and looked at stars for a while. It was fun, and I haven't been up there in ages. I honestly think Heath was with me the last time I went out there, so it really has been a while. But it was fun, and it was nice to go out, and laugh and joke, and not feel out of place.

We made plans to do it again, and that was fun too. Knowing there will be another good time, and knowing that I don't have to be nervous the next time. Being wanted is a good feeling. I got home so ridiculously late, and I hope he didn't sleep through his alarm this morning, because I know I nearly slept through mine.

I ended up writing my essay last night when I got home, and then fighting with the Blackboard system, which refused to let me upload my rough draft, the bastards. Got that all straightened out today. For those of you who might need this knowledge? Blackboard is NOT COMPATIBLE for upload with Mozilla Firefox. Not that it says that anywhere, in any capacity. The nice techs at Blackboard were just as puzzled as I was for the 45 minutes we spent searching through the possible issues, until we figured out that any versions of Mozilla that are higher than 3.0 simply won't work with uploads. So, heed the warning, especially if you have any online classes, and will need to be uploading anything. It's good shit to know in advance.

Up next at bat is Larry, although I feel sort of bad for him, because I don't think he's going to be able to top out my date with Josh. And I don't have the crassness to tell him that he's competing with hot college man that I had such fun with. That would be inexcusably rude, and I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. But I doubt that things will spark as well with Larry as with Josh, unfortunately for Larry. And Josh is just so darned convenient as well!

Which probably makes me kind of mean, but it's been quite a long dry spell, and I'm enjoying the attention. C'est la vie. So I'm set to go and have Chinese food with Larry over the weekend, and trying to decide what we should do after that, should it be a movie which means there can be no conversation, or should we find a nice coffeehouse and sit and chat? He'll be getting a hotel room, because he has to drive into town for this date, and I'm *not* going to go and hang out at a hotel with him (sorry Larry, not my style). So I need to figure out what to do after dinner. And I'm not comfortable bringing him back to my apartment either, just...well, just because.

At any rate, that's it for the life and frolicking for me today, as I need to go and, I don't know. What do girls do now? Wash their hair? Okay, I'm going to go wash my hair, and do laundry or something! Bye!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

A year ago today

Monday August 27, 2007. That was a year ago, today.

And things have changed, haven't they? Today is August 27, 2008. And a year has passed, and I'm sitting here, and in the background is once again playing Ice Cube's "Today was a good day" on my iTunes. But it's not the same now. I re-read that blog post from a year ago, and it hurt, and all I could do was shake my head, and think about all of what's happened since that day.

I wouldn't have thought that so many things would have happened in 12 months. I wouldn't have believed it if someone would have told me then that this could have happened. I still don't quite believe it.

Twelve months ago, I was trying to stabilize from the seizures. Trying to pull it together from problems with Danny. Carl was getting ready to leave for Portland, and Phillip had just gotten back in touch, after a decade long silence.

I'd just barely started going out, to see Nathan's new band Approaching Darkness, and to meet his wife, and to begin living a life that I'd put on hold for longer than I care to think about.

Just barely started coming back out of the darkness that I'd been living in too long. Things were finally beginning to get better for me, and I was just starting to live.

And now, twelve months later? I'm living on my own. I'm still in touch with Sam and Nathan. But that's about all that is the same. Nathan still plays for Approaching Darkness. They're pretty hot on the local band scene, actually. And I still enjoy seeing them play. And Nathan's wife turned out to be absolutely awesome, and I'm very glad I met her, and got to know her.

Danny and I split up, after having been together for seven years, and he moved out, and moved on, in less than a month. I guess he's happy now, and they're doing well, talking about babies and marriage and whatnot. So sayeth the grapevine. It's none of my business, and honestly, no longer any of my concern. I wish him well, and I've moved on.

Phillip and I became friends again, after the ten years we were apart, and became lovers again as well, for a brief time. But there were too many things in the way, and things just couldn't work. I thought he was someone he just isn't, and I ended up hoping for things that couldn't be. And in the end, we couldn't even be friends anymore. I would have hoped to remain friends, but that isn't to be, and I've made my peace with it, and, like Danny, I wish him well. It's Fresno, and I'll do my best to stay clear of him, as that's his wish, but I can't do more than that for him. He knows where I tend to be, and he can avoid me if he wishes.

I've gone from being a complete hermit all the time a year ago, to being someone with a full social life now. I'm actively dating again, and have lost a substantial amount of the weight I've been carrying around for the last decade. So much so, that people no longer pretend that I'm not there. And that's been hard for me to adjust to, because I've started getting attention from men again, and I'm having to learn how to handle it. But I'm managing, and it's been...not too bad.

We'll see how I handle it, once I get into the full swing of things like rejection from the entire dating scenario, and the actual physical aspects of things. I'm not sure how I'll deal with that, but it's bound to be something I need to think about, so I am.

The other things I'm adjusting to are school and work, respectively. I worked full time from May until the beginning of August, and now that school has started, that's slacked off. But now I'm a full-time student, taking courses at the local college, and that's been another major change for me. It's a lot more work than I had really expected it to be, because school was never really challenging for me before. So this is difficult. I hadn't anticipated how different my life was going to be, now that I'm a student with a neurological disability. I actually do having a learning disability now, and that takes some getting used to for a person who always had it very easy.

Living alone has also been an adjustment, but that's been a really good one for me, I've enjoyed learning how to adapt to that. I eat what I want, when I want. I take care of my cat and myself, without having to answer to anyone. There's no worrying about whether there will be dishes in the kitchen, or if the washing machine will be in use. And I like that. I like knowing that whatever I left somewhere will still be there when I go to find it. It's very pleasant for me, because of my Obsessive Compulsive tendencies. I had always thought that might be the case, and finding out that was true was somewhat reassuring.

To a certain extent, I miss having someone to take care of. Someone to wake up with in the morning, and cook for at night. Just someone to hold sometimes. There are a few things that I really, truly do miss. But I'm doing very well, overall. From the way things were a year ago, I've done remarkably well, given all the changes, and how much I've had to overcome to get me to this point.

I honestly wasn't sure whether or not I would just give up, and take all the pills I had in my arsenal, and not care anymore. Because there isn't anyone here to stop me, and I don't really have anyone to answer to anymore. I realize that people would be upset, and I know that I'm loved. But I also know that in the end, it wouldn't be my child or my parents who would find me. It would be someone random, like my manager.

I've been depressed over the last months. I've been upset, and lonely, and yes, even suicidal at times. But it's passing. And I'm getting stronger day by day. So from a year ago, to today? It's improving. And I'm getting to the point where I can feel better more days than not. It isn't sunshine and roses. But at least it isn't always dark.

A year ago everything was dark, with a bright spot. Then everything was dark, with no sun at all.

And now? It's mostly sun, with the occasional dark days, and I'm managing to work through them.

Life moves on. And I'm moving on with it.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Random quotes

"You have to take the good with the bad, smile when you're sad, love what you've got, and remember what you had...Always forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes, but never regret, people change, things go wrong, just remember life goes on..."

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You have to decide who is worth the pain."

"What's meant to be? Will always find it's way."

"I've learned that goodbyes will always hurt, pictures never replaces having been there, memories good or bad will always bring tears, and words can never replace these feelings."

"Because I'm fighting like hell for you, and I don't plan on giving up. All I want is for me and you to be the way we were. Friends."

"I'd agree with you. But then we'd *both* be wrong."

"Of course I love you. And trying to explain why that is, is like trying to explain how water tastes. Completely impossible."

"I may not get to see you as often as I like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep in my heart I know that you're the only one I truly love, and I can't let you go."

"Some things are just better when they suck. Vaccuums. Gay men. Women."

Snarking about dating and drama

You know what? It's kind of sad. I got a message that needed to be moderated earlier today, that I chose not to post as a comment here, and it made me sad. I honestly don't understand. I'm finally doing reasonably well, and moving on with my life.

Yes, I'm starting to date now, and while that's not normally something I've done a whole lot of? I needed to start doing something besides sitting around and being morose, and crying into my pillows about everything I've lost in the last year. I've been working with a therapist, and I was encouraged to start moving in the right direction. I'm fairly proud of myself. My friends are fairly proud of me too.

The thing is that I didn't *do* anything to you. *You* walked out on me, remember? So the snarky little anonymous comment mocking me for beginning to date, and telling me you can continue to mock me for it, and can keep "doing this forever"? What's the fucking point? I didn't do anything to hurt you? Why the hell do you want to hurt me? You don't want me. You've made that completely clear. Hell, you told me that once before. You don't want me, you simply can't tolerate the idea of me going out, or being with anyone else either. It drives you fucking crazy. Perhaps that's something you need to come to terms with, but for me? I can't just continue to sit around and hope that, what, perhaps someday you'll miraculously become someone you're not?

Yeah, sure, I keep an eye on your blog. When you wrote things about suicide and eating your rifle, you scared the ever living crap out of me, and I didn't like it. The idea of someone I care about killing themselves doesn't sit well with me, even if they're not speaking to me, and don't want communication. But the severing of that communication wasn't something I chose, and I still cared about you, whether you care about me or not. So when you write about the pain you're in, and how you're thinking how easy it would be to smoke yourself into oblivion and wanting to just end it all, yes, it's going to bring me out of the woodwork.

And the blogs went down. And I went away. Then suddenly, they came back up. Which honestly somewhat concerns me again, but there's nothing to be done for it besides a passing concern that you're still alright, but beyond that, because my loyalty doesn't just shut off like a light switch, I just kind of continued with my life.

And I continue blogging about my day to day life. So I don't understand why it is that you're so offended by what I have to say about my life, my dating, or anything else that's going on. I don't understand why you even care, why it bothers you. Why the snarks? I'm not hurting you. I'm not intruding on your life. I don't even know what's going on in your life, and that you're following mine is more your issue, than mine.

I'm not chasing you anymore, I would have thought you figured that out by now. Or perhaps that's it? That I'm *not* chasing you anymore? The last time I went out with someone, you chain smoked in frustration and were furious, and couldn't even explain why you were furious to yourself. And now I'm doing it again, dating someone. And more than one person is interested in me. And I'm finally getting better, and I don't need to chase you anymore, and things have worked out for me.

So why are you angry? We were friends. I never attacked you. I didn't hurt you. Why wouldn't you be happy for me...?

Monday, August 25, 2008

Horoscopes for August 25th

August 25, 2008 Cancer

Don't you be shy about calling people out on their baloney today! You have got to come out of your shell and tell it like it is, or else nothing is going to change between you and a certain person. You don't have to be aggressive or mean about it, but you also don't have to pretend everything is fine when you know deep down inside that it's not. Having this tough discussion will be good for you, but it might even be better for them. Honesty is always good -- remember that.

August 25, 2008 Scorpio

If someone pushes your buttons, today, resist the urge to push theirs right back. The temptation to make them feel the way they make you feel is there, but you can (and should) rise above it. Getting defensive isn't going to help clarify any issues, so if you need to, just walk way from the situation. And if you can't walk away, just smile and kill them with kindness. Showing them that they can't get to you will drive them crazier than you yelling at them ever would.

August 25, 2008 Libra

The ideas in your head are just ideas -- until you find another person to share them with! So get out there in the world and see what people think about what you have planned. Are you putting together your next vacation? Ask a friend who's been there to review your itinerary. They might have a great suggestion about where to stay or eat. Contemplating a new career? Ask someone who's already in it what their job's really like, and make sure it's for you. Getting input is wise, now.

August 25, 2008 Taurus

Naturally, your feelings matter more to you than they do to other people, but you will meet someone today who is incredibly interested in how you feel and in what can make you happy. This is a person who wants you to be on their side, and they will say or do whatever it takes to get you there. You're in a powerful position, but try not to abuse that power. Be open about what you are looking for and try not to make this eager beaver jump through too many hoops!

August 25, 2008 Virgo

There is a good chance that you will feel detached or distant from other people, today. This doesn't have to be a problem, though -- even if you need to make a presentation or are planning to go to a party, you'll be able to turn on the charm and do your thing. But intimate, one on one conversation might be difficult. You're just not equipped with the right kind of patience and energy. But this is a temporary situation -- have no fear. In a couple days you'll be back to your engaged self.

How not to get laid

Oh yes, because it's the funniest thing I've read all day.

And please, for safety, always use the rubber tongs!

How not to get laid

Oh yeah!

Totally forgot! Monkey's gonna be turning 12 this weekend too! Egads, she'll be officially a pre-teen, with all the pitfalls and drama that goes with that. I'm trying hard to brace for it, but I know I won't be able to really know what to expect.

And unfortunately, I'm the first of the group to have a kid growing up, everyone else had their kids after I did, so there's no one for me to ask about what's coming.

That was more or less it for a fast update, I now need to go bury myself back in the books, and finish a couple of chapters, and start on an essay. Homework is kind of a tedious drag. At least Josh and I will have something in common, I think he said he's a Lit major at FSU. Yay? I'll feel somewhat inferior most of the time, but at least I won't be bored talking with someone who likes books as much as I do. And is willing to be seen in public with me. That'll be a nice change of pace too.

Overall, I'm enjoying the challenge of school, but it's a strain on me, it takes a lot more concentration than I thought it would.

Back to the grind :)

Dating?

Yeah, who would've thought? I certainly wouldn't have. But I guess that's what I'm going to be doing. And a lot of it, for the next little while, depending on how things go. The proverbial guy next door asked me out, so I'm going to be going to the Cheesecake Factory, and ingesting about a bajillion calories worth of cheesecake and some conversation with him. His name's Josh. Ran into him by the mailboxes, and he asked whether I'd be interested in going to dinner, and I'm getting better at the saying "yes" instead of "Are you insane?" as a rote response, which led to making plans, and so I guess I'll be joining the dating scene. Scheduled that for later this week.

And then this morning, Bakersfield guy emailed, and I lined up something for this coming weekend, pending confirmation on skipping the plans I already had in place. If that pans out, I'll go out for chinese with Larry, and possibly go see a movie. That should be fun. Haven't gone and sat in a chinese restaurant...I can't remember when. Geeze. Maybe with Billy? Been a while, then. But it should be alright. Spent easily a half hour talking about random stuff with Larry, so we should be able to make conversation without any trouble.

And then, not a date, but lunch with Ryan next week possibly, because he shot me an email sometime either last night or this morning, telling me that he's been stopping by my apartment off and on for months, and I've apparently been missing him, which totally sucks, because I *really* wanted to pursue that friendship with Gantor, and I feel like a complete asshat for not realizing that he's been coming by. Of course, the *phone* is always a great tool for communication, and I replied back with he's welcome to utilize it for contacting me.

So overall? While I'll be a seriously busy girl, I'll also be having a really good time. And I think it's about damned time I have some fun. Woo-hoo!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Secret word of the week

This week the word of the week is going to be:

"aroused"

Take it however you like.

And have a terrific Sunday, and a fulfilling week, even if you only have yourself to keep you company :)

As for me? While I'll be fairly busy, I'll be vastly amused at the same time. Thanks for the rolling laugh I got while reading blog posts on this early Sunday morning. Cheap thrills indeed.

G'nite internets.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

I think my head may explode

I really do. Think my head may explode, that is. The colossal amount of work that's involved for school? Yeah, it's about to get worse. And while I'll manage it, I won't be doing much else beside burying myself in the books, because three of the classes actually are going to be work. One's a fluff class, which is cool and all, but the others are actual work, with the required textbook and honest-to-god *studying* to go with them.

So don't mind me if you get told "Sorry, I have to study" quite a bit.

I spent the better part of the last week buried under just one load of English coursework, and the other two classes hadn't even cracked a book on yet. Suffice it to say, the others all kicked off this weekend, and I'm going to be busy. There won't be a lot of time for bs'ing. I have too much riding on this, financially and otherwise, to screw it up.

But I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself. And pretty pleased with all the new things I've been up to lately. Things are even slowly but surely looking up on the dating scene, as it turns out. I met a guy in Bakersfield a couple of weeks ago, while I was down there visiting, and he asked me out, and I guess he's willing to make the drive to Fresno to come and take me out to dinner, so we'll see how that goes. Strange, but whatever. And there are a couple of nice local men around these days too, so I suppose I need to get over some of my issues, and go out occasionally. I said I would stop rejecting everyone out-of-hand, and I'm finally doing just that.

Can't be morose forever, right? Better to be optimistic about something, than just sit around being sad. Although honestly, this bullshit with having my radio playing "Over You" by Daughtry every single timeI happen to be driving is starting to get on my nerves. It's kind of creepy. Maybe it's a sign or something.

I suppose maybe the apocalypse really is coming. I'm dating again, Brody's mom was nice to me. My mom called to tell me she's proud of me and she loves me, just randomly. I really am thinking that it's about time for the other shoe to drop, and catastrophe to strike, and my nice, orderly little life to get somewhat plunked into disarray, simply because everything seems to be working out now.

I wouldn't surprised to find someone on my front porch wanting me to fix their lives for them, or one of my exes professing undying love at this point.

(comedy factor here being just as I typed that, a loud thump was heard from my front porch, because the boys next door are moving in, but it didn't in any way negate the humor factor of the timing

So anyhow, that's my weekend random update, because I took a break from studying and finishing an assignment, and now I'm going to go make something to eat really quickly, before I plunge into part of next week's study guides, and start in on Speech.

Ah, so it goes.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Sometimes love isn't enough. And that's okay.

"Love is not always enough, not when you’re talking about marriage and children and joint checking accounts… I’m not saying love isn’t important, it is, but...I’m saying that–sometimes you love, and you learn, and you move on. And that’s okay." It's a quote from the movie Prime.

I was thinking today, about the so-called "Perfect Man". About how women spend their lives looking for him, for Mister Right. And I guess I understand that sometimes, that's the societal norm. I really do. And my problem is, and I guess always has been, that I'm not looking for that.

I might have been, at some point. But the man who is the perfect man? Or Mister Right? For me, he's the Perfect man for me. And I know that. And I don't need to appease anyone else, and I'm not going to continue trying to do that.

My friend Shawn had a very interesting approach to finding a woman. He dated a woman, and each time he moved on to a new relationship, he took stock of the last women he'd been with, and considered what he didn't want in the next one. And by process of elimination he ended up knowing what he did want.

He didn't keep searching aimlessly, looking for the "ideal woman" who he had in his head, because that would never work. And I agree with that philosophy. Having this idealized picture in your mind of what you think is your perfect mate is just silly.

I want, what? A man who is taller than six feet, and has long hair? And he needs to be able to cook, and like a certain type of books, and he needs to have a certain colour of hair? And then he'll be perfect? That's ridiculous.

I know what I don't want. And looks, and what my friends think or don't think of my choices have nothing to do with it now. I don't need their approval of my mate. I know how I want to be treated. I know that we need to have things in common. I know we need to be sexually compatible. I need someone who can keep up with me, and whom I can keep up with in bed, and out of it. Our sexual tastes need to be about equal. I know now that what I'm willing to be as a partner to someone isn't not necessarily what I always believed it would be, and I'm comfortable with that, and I need my partner to be alright with that as well. I need a partner who will agree with my philosophies about children, and how they would or would not be raised, and schooled, etc. And I have learned how to define what I want, and how to present those desires to someone. And to let go, and walk away if I cannot have them returned.

Because sometimes love isn't enough. I won't be good enough for someone in bed if I'm not good enough for them out of it. I won't be a partner to someone, who I can't be a partner to them if we're not compatible on other levels. It all has to mesh, or it won't work. And I needed to learn that you have to be willing to walk away, and leave if it won't work. Because that's okay too.

I need someone who is my equal, and not someone who doesn't have enough courage to stand up for me, and be proud to be with me. And yes, I can be a pain in the ass, and I know it. And I know that it can be difficult to stand up if people disapprove of the person you're with. I've actually had partners that no one approved of before. And I basically told everyone to sit and spin, because I refused to be baited, or told who I could or couldn't love. Nor was I willing to make them into a dirty little secret. I've allowed myself to be that secret, which I won't do again. The things I've learned over the years, to value myself.

Took me a while though. And I'm proud of that. But Shawn's method is the best one. You take what you've learned from each relationship, and learn what you don't want, and at the end, you arrive at what will be ideally suited for you, and that's the person who will work as a mate. Not that "perfect person" in your head, who will never work in reality.

Because there's no such thing as Perfect. If there was, we'd be living in a fairy tale. And if you ever research fairy tales? You'll find that they were, at the beginning? Horror stories, not happy endings.

Monday, August 18, 2008

And I know that I can almost see a lightbulb above my head lighting up

And all the missing spaces have now been filled in, by someone I can trust to tell me the truth, who has no reason to lie to me. And now, *finally*, I have my answers to my questions. And I know what I needed to know, and my confusion has been silenced. And the turmoil of my past has been quieted.

And while I don't quite understand the point of the lies to me, I know now that they were indeed lies, and now I can let go. And I have. And I'm glad to walk away now.

I can finally sit peacefully and look at the photographs, and smile at the memories, and the love that we shared, and know that it was there. And I can let it go. And let you go. And be at peace, even though apparently you can't. I can't control that.

I tried too hard, and that was my own fault, and I'm done trying now. It was nothing more than a game to you, a way to make me pay for something that was not my fault. To punish me for sins that I don't remember committing, and that I've long since paid for. You came and you wanted to get even, but the only person that will hurt now is yourself.

Because now I can remember, and now I know the truth. You loved me, and that was what hurt me. The idea that you didn't. That you never did. But that was the lie, wasn't it? That you never cared at all. You don't now, and that's fine. I've finally gotten to the place where it doesn't make a difference now. But you did love me then, just as much as I loved you. And we were indeed happy. Maybe not all the time. But enough of the time that you wanted to be there. And I needed to know and remember that.

So, now I can walk away, and know that I've resolved things for myself, and be at peace with myself. And I needed that. I was fighting a battle with myself, and the past because of a lie. And while I don't understand the point of the lies, I no longer need to. You can fight your battles with yourself without me.

I'm happy now with you gone, because the idea of you, quite frankly? Scares me now. Things you've done, and things I've discovered about you, and the person you are? They frighten me, and I honestly would rather you stay gone. The violent tendencies. The stalker tendencies. The desire to completely consume the person you claim to love? I really am better off to have not been the person you wanted. Better off having ended up not tied to you because of that child. There are too many things about you that make me uncomfortable now.

There's still a slight tug because of the past emotional bond. That will always be there. But overall? I'm relieved that it's over. And glad that it's gone.

Just for everyone's reference:

Chimera? Has multiple definitions.

chi·me·ra also chi·mae·ra (kÄ«-mîr'É™, kÄ­-) Pronunciation Key
n.

1.
1. An organism, organ, or part consisting of two or more tissues of different genetic composition, produced as a result of organ transplant, grafting, or genetic engineering.
2. A substance, such as an antibody, created from the proteins or genes or two different species.
2. An individual who has received a transplant of genetically and immunologically different tissue.
3. A fanciful mental illusion or fabrication.


I was referring to option "3".

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Secret word of the week

The secret word of the week is:

"chimera"


Bye.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

My 300th post, personal responsibility and keeping secrets

That definitely sounds like something that would be a very me-like 300th post, don't you think? I'm on kind of a weird kick today, about the idea of when it is, and when it is not, appropriate to keep a secret. Because there are indeed times when it is not in the best interest of anyone to keep secrets. I've been discussing this with a lot of people over the course of this week, and I wasn't altogether surprised to find out that across the board, people in my age bracket, we all agree about some things.

About drugs, and there are categories of them for us, you always tell. You scream it from the rooftops if necessary, but you tell. And we quizzed our kids to make sure that they understand that these drugs, if you know someone who took one, tried one, used one, knows someone who used one: You tell. You tell your parents, you tell their parents, you tell us. You tell *someone*. They smoked pot? Fine, they are your friend, you are being loyal, and it's a secret. Whatever. They tried cocaine? Speed? Heroine? Crack? Angel dust? You scream that shit from the rooftops, because it only takes *one time*, and someone can die. That's a big fucking deal, not something to play around with, and you do not want to be that person, the one who gets to wake up every morning for the rest of your life knowing that you knew that secret, and you didn't tell anyone. And the second time they "tried it"? They died, and you knew, and didn't tell. It's the shittiest feeling in the world. You're not being loyal to your friend by keeping that secret. You're helping that friend become an addict, and try to kill themselves.

Obviously a subject I feel very passionate about indeed. But there are other kinds of secrets as well, drugs aren't the only ones, and that brought me to a screeching halt in my thinking. Some other things shouldn't always be kept under wraps too. And I have been puzzling over this. Why do people keep some secrets, but not others? What makes the deciding factor? I am generally very good about not repeating what I know, and people talk to me about a variety of things, because they know I'll keep a confidence. And I appreciate that reasoning. But by the same token, confidence or not, there are some things that I simply won't just sit on, even when it pisses everybody in the world off.

I guess that was what I mean about personal responsibility. I'm willing to take it. Yes, it sucks sometimes. Yes, it will mean that I broke a confidence sometimes. But I won't stand by and hide something, just because it meant I was "loyal", if it's truly the wrong thing to do. And maybe that will cost me a friend. But if it does? Then that person wasn't a worthwhile friend to begin with. They wouldn't have asked me to compromise my morals and my values in the first place. They would have not put me in that position, and would have accepted responsibility for their own actions, and not tried to hide something that vile in the first place. And some secrets shouldn't be kept. Because they can cause damage. Because people can be hurt. And those types of things should not be kept hidden.

I don't think that everyone should get repeated chances. I think that yes, if you've screwed up once, then you should get a chance to redeem yourself. But when you've made the same error more than once, and that 'chance' becomes a pattern, than the game is over, and when more than one person is willing to cover up your "mistakes" then it becomes a conspiracy. And the problem is not just yours, but everyone who helps to "hide" the secret. Because things snowball, and people are hurt, and no one is willing to take blame, and I just don't agree with any of it.

Something about leading by example, and not being willing to associate with people who won't take responsibility for their own actions, and not being willing to take part in the games that people play. Life isn't a high school drama, and at a certain point, everyone needs to accept that if you're willing to hide the secrets? Then you're willing to play the game. And if you're willing to take part in the drama and play the game, and be that friend? In some way, you must either be willing to keep putting up with it, or secretly enjoy some part of it. But I'm not.

I don't know. Maybe that makes me stubborn. Or maybe it makes me unyielding. Or maybe it just makes me finally an adult? Whatever it is that it made me, it did make me reliable. I have no patience for people who won't hold themselves accountable.

You take care of children, they come first. Next are animals, and things that can't defend themselves. But adults (unless they have conditions that render them unable to care for themselves) have the capacity to reason, and thus need to take responsibility for their own actions, and act in that fashion.

It doesn't matter if you had a lousy childhood. It doesn't matter if you were miserable. You're an adult now, and you need to act like an adult. You have to take care of your adult responsibilities. You need to function in the grown-up world, and do all of the adult things that come with it. Take care of your children. Pay your bills. Do all the things that reasonable, functional adults do. Treat others with kindness and respect. And that includes not hiding secrets, and placing blame on anyone else, when you need to step up to the plate, and accept responsibility for your own actions. And sometimes, just sometimes, it means saying you were wrong, and giving out an apology or two. Because it's what adults do.

Although I expect pigs to fly before I get apologies from some of the people who have hurt me or wronged me over the years. I know and have known some *really* stubborn people. (waves in their general direction)

But overall, I've told the people I've hurt that I was sorry, because I grew up, and that's how it works.

Wow...just...oh...

I was just on Facebook, looking at profiles. And I inadvertently stumbled onto the profile of a very old acquaintance of mine, from when I went to church as a teenager. And I linked back through his friends lists, and kind of took a stroll down through memories I didn't even think I still had, which kind of tends to knock me for loops when they all tumble together like that. It's a little unnerving, and because Facebook proves pictures, and it is easier for me to link photos together in my brain than it is with words, let's just say I had a very interesting afternoon.

They have children now, in most cases. And it's strange to see who ended up with whom from that youth group. And easy to see which children belong to whom, and sad for me to see that there are so many divorces. That the people with the children in all the photos are listed as "single" in the profiles. It made me sad to realize that in the last 15 years, they've been married, had children, divorced. They appear to all still be wrapped up in the church, which struck me as a cross between funny and sad, given that I would have though the marriages might have stuck better if they were supposed to be faith-based or whatever.

I don't know. But it was...strange. So many things that changed, and stayed the same. All at once. Just been a peculiar afternoon.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I cried. Again.

And I'm so tired of crying. Every time I hear your voice, I cry. I hung up the phone, sat it down, and burst into tears. And I am so infernally tired of crying all the time just because I heard your voice again. And this is the largest part of why I don't talk to you. I should have just had Brody call, and impart the query, and be done with it. But that would have been chickenshit, and I'm an adult and can handle my own business.

But I hate crying. :(

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Gtalk and shopping

Sometimes I get to be snarky and petty, just because I can. It's vastly amusing to me, the things that go around in my head. I've had a rather strange day. I was until three a.m. *again* last night. Been happening a lot lately. I have got to stop doing that, but I suppose I'll circle back to that later. Whatever.

Okay, where was I? Oh, yes. So I woke up this morning. Well, closer to noon. Anyhow. I got out of bed today, dragged around a bit. And I'd realized yesterday that my jeans were really, really loose. Again. Yes, okay, got it. Pants are a problem again. Keeps happening. Fine, okay. I have some smaller ones. Now, the way jeans are made these days, for the most part, they have this nifty stuff in them called lycra. It's good stuff, makes it look so the jeans are painted on, or they're more comfortable to wear if you're female, or have hips, or whatever. So at any rate, even those jeans of mine are now falling off. But I have some classic regular jeans that I'd had put away, that are the old-fashioned kind, from way back when. The kind with no lycra, that I haven't worn in years. In fact, the pair I had, I kept as a reminder, kind of a "I wish" pair. I pulled them on this morning. And they, too, were too big. Thanks to 'Chelle for having donated the next couple of sizes down of similar jeans, as those at least are fitting for the moment, sort of. They're loose, but not so much so as to be making me look like a clown.

So I went shopping today, to pick up some pants that are several sizes smaller than I've been wearing. Yay? In a variety of smaller sizes, because apparently, I'm going to need them. And during my adventures, I also picked up a couple of pairs of a brand called "7" while I was out. And wow are those bastards expensive. But I do so love the way they fit. And the style. Egads. They do nice things to my butt. I had a good time, kind of. It was rather odd. And I went by myself, which is something I rarely do. I'm not big on clothes shopping in the first place. Honestly? I shopped for less than an hour and a half total. I knew what I was there to go and get, and I was in and out of the mall fairly quickly getting it. In other news? I can shop in normal stores now too. The whole freaking day was weird.

Oh, where was I? Oh, yes. Snarky and petty. For the last probably four months, Danny on Gtalk has been logged out anytime he was at home. When he was at work? Yes, sure. Logged in. I could reach him. But as soon as work was over, he mysteriously went "poof". I got a host of excuses. His phone disconnected him. It just turned off without him touching it. He had nothing to do with it! Honest! Just this laundry list of bullshit excuses. And I found it a cross between hysterically funny, and sadly pathetic. Because I knew damned well that either he was turning it off, or she was, and it was being manually shut down, so that I couldn't message him while he was at home. And since I intentionally didn't call him after work hours out of courtesy mostly, it made it so I couldn't chat with Danny unless he was at work.

About two weeks ago now, I cut off communication with Danny. I haven't called, haven't messaged, haven't gotten in touch. And she knew I'd done it. And at *precisely* the same time, because I'd requested that I be taken off his Gtalk, at *that same time*, all of a sudden? Danny's logged into Gtalk again 24/7. He never logs out. And I find that funny as fuck. Because whether it's him that was logging himself out, or her doing it without his knowledge, the end result is the same. Now that I'm not trying to get in touch with him, he's constantly back logged in.

Which just goes to show exactly how unimportant in the scheme of things I really was. Because I actually had shown enough courtesy to not be calling him when he was at home, so I considered it very rude indeed to have not just asked me to not message him, if that was what he wanted. He didn't need to lie to me and log himself out. It was unnecessary. And I think it's pathetic that all of a sudden his Gtalk "works" now, flawlessly. Exactly as it did before, when we were together. Isn't that something?

Yes, it's petty, and I know it. But I hate being lied to like that. It's just stupid, you know? I just don't understand the point. Why is it that everybody feels a burning desire to treat me like such shit, and that they expected me to take it? As though I'm an idiot, and really didn't understand the mechanics of simple things like how Gtalk works? And that now it suddenly is working flawlessly again now?

Did Danny really think I was that stupid? The same way that Phillip obviously believed me to be that gullible and stupid all the time, when he was trying to feed me his bullshit stories too?

I will never understand men, I have come to that conclusion. Obviously, there is something in my basic self that makes people think that I will pretend to be someone I'm not, and will buy into whatever line of bullshit you offer me. This isn't the case, and when I point it out, no one wants to hear it.

I just don't get it. Like I said, it was going to be basically snarky and pissy. You want to walk around telling bullshit to someone else? Fine. You want to live in some make believe world, and pretend that shit smells like roses? Hey, have at it. But don't expect me to pretend that same thing. I don't like living a lie. I never have. In fact, it's cost me friends and loved ones and things I would rather have, than have lost. But I'm still not willing to live a lie, and pretend to be something and someone I'm not. I'm just *not*.

Secret word of the week

This week the secret word of the week is going to read just like this.



Word of the Day Archive
Sunday September 23, 2007

abrogate \AB-ruh-gayt\, transitive verb:
1. To annul or abolish by an authoritative act.
2. To put an end to; to do away with.

*****
Word of the Day Archive
Wednesday October 3, 2007

distrait \dis-TRAY\, adjective:
Divided or withdrawn in attention, especially because of anxiety.

*****
Word of the Day Archive
Saturday August 9, 2008

tittle-tattle \TIT-uhl TAT-uhl\, noun:
1. Idle, trifling talk; empty prattle.
2. An idle, trifling talker; a gossip.

*****
Word of the Day Archive
Sunday August 10, 2008

exalt \ig-ZOLT\, verb:
1. To praise, glorify, or honor.
2. To heighten or intensify.
3. To raise in rank, character, or status

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Shamelessly jacked as a repost from my friend Sara

You think English is *easy*?


1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.


And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese.
So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.


English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.


You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'up'

It's easy to understand 'up', meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake 'up' ? At a meeting, why does a topic come 'up' ? Why do we speak 'up' and why are the officers 'up' for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write 'up' a report ?

We call 'up' our friends. And we use it to brighten 'up' a room, polish 'up' the silver, we warm 'up' the leftovers and clean 'up' the kitchen. We lock 'up' the house and some guys fix 'up' the old car . At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir 'up' trouble, line 'up' for tickets, work 'up' an appetite, and think 'up' excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed 'up' is special.


And this 'up' is confusing: A drain must be opened 'up' because it is stopped 'up'. We open 'up' a store in the morning but we close it 'up' at night.


We seem to be pretty mixed 'up' about 'up'! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of 'up' , look the word 'up' in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes 'up' almost 1/4th of the page and can add 'up' to about thirty definitions. If you are 'up' to it, you might try building 'up' a list of the many ways 'up' is used. It will take 'up' a lot of your time, but if you don't give 'up' , you may wind 'up' with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding 'up' When the sun comes out we say it is clearing 'up'.


When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things 'up'.


When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry 'up'.


One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it 'up', for now my time is 'up', so...it is time to shut 'up'.

Friday, August 8, 2008

If I seem to give up? They'll still never win

I went to bed last night at three a.m. It was ridiculous, really. And I know it. And yet, even though I slept until almost noon today, I ended up having a better time last night than I have in months. And I spent the entire day in my pajamas. I ate snickers bars, drank a glass of milk and called it a meal. Lit my candles and my house smells like English roses and strawberries, and it's lovely.

Social Security actually *did* call me back, to tell me that everything should be fine, to go ahead and mail in the paperwork I have and that should be straightened out, and with an apology even for the mistake. I'll go in on Monday to FCC to pick up the rest of my books, and with that have everything I need to be good to go.

Spoke to the public library and have all of my info there all straight, talked to a very nice woman who I thoroughly enjoyed speaking with, and I'm considering joining the book club there once a month.

Went to a wedding tonight, and got such a royal kick out of the ceremony that I was just tickled silly. And then went with a bunch of friends and we all got absolutely shit-faced at the local bar, and had a grand time to be perfectly honest. And watched one of them streak around, being just silly. It was good fun, and everybody had fun. Last I saw of the bride and groom, they were headed out on their honeymoon. It was nice. Really, really strange, but nice. I can honestly say I have never seen anything like it. I don't think I'll be drinking that way again anytime soon. I don't like the weird slurry speech thing that it caused me. But it was all in good fun, I suppose. And everybody knows that I am definitely not big on weddings, which I made perfectly clear to the groom. I am anti-wedding, and anti-babies, as always.

And having said all of that, onto my normal rhythm. I've been reading quite a lot lately, now that I have my books up and accessible again has caused me to read with more frequency than I have in the last year or so. I hadn't realized just how little I'd been reading until I suddenly had access to my books again. Which is what caused me to get my library account active again. I've re-read all my John Grisham novels, and worked my way through about half of my fiction books in general in the last few weeks. I'm starting to work my way through the Idiot's guides, just for something to read that's non-fiction. And so I've ordered several books from the library to be sent to the local branch, and I'm really looking forward to it. I learned a few years ago to borrow them first and read them, and the ones that I really enjoy thoroughly I'm willing to purchase, but I won't just buy everything I read anymore. And I need to get down to the Book Nook and check it out, now that it's under new management.

I have started a new exercise routine, although I'm still having to favour my ankle, as it's still giving me trouble. I don't think that sprain has healed quite right, or perhaps it was just a lot more severely sprained than I had originally thought. I have to wrap it up and ice it down several times a week still, and I'm still having to use anti-inflammatory meds to keep it under control. The swelling still hasn't gone down, and it still hurts substantially. Especially if I leave it down for more than an hour or so. It's just not good, and I hate that. And there really isn't much I can do about it, since the x-rays showed that it was clearly not broken. So I started lifting weights to tone up my arms, and working out my chest, because I was tired of looking at my arms, and I figure trying to give some tone under my breasts couldn't possibly *hurt* anything.

Everyone who spends any time with me out in public is aware that for the most part, I'm a creature of habit. My social anxiety is severe enough that I only go to the places I'm very familiar with, and I don't even go there often. I stay close to home, and I like it that way. And because of my weight issues, I rarely, if ever, go out to eat. It's been years since I went and voluntarily sat in a restaurant that wasn't the small local breakfast place that is my customary hangout spot. And by years, I mean the last place I went anywhere, was just *before* Danny and I became a couple officially.

I've gone to dinner here and there throughout that seven years, but for the most part, that was it. And I can actually remember (because of my memory being so spotty, this is memorable to me, work with me here) why this matters to me. Just before we got together, Danny and I had gone and had coffee at Denny's one night. And I remember that we sat in a booth there, and while he didn't know it, I had bruises all along my abdomen, because I just barely fit sitting there. And it sucked, and I never went back again after that. I barely went *anywhere* after that, because of how much it hurt, and how horrible it was.

Recently I went and sat with my Grandma at Denny's for breakfast. She's old, and it's the place she likes. She had just had surgery, and she wanted to sit in a booth, because it would be most comfortable for her, and I cringed, because honestly, I will not tell an 80 year old woman who just had surgery no. And since she's generally very aware of not embarrassing me, I sucked it up (pun intended), and we sat down. I didn't need to suck it up. Denny's had overhauled their restaurants a long while back, and they "minimized" their booths, making them the smallest seated ones in town, which is how I got bruised in the first place. If you're "normal sized" it's still not particularly pleasant. If you're heavy? It's a nightmare. And because the booth tables don't move, you're just screwed, there's no way to adjust for comfort. At any rate. Grandma and I sat down. And I fit just fine. I can cross my arms in front of me between the table and my stomach now. I guess Grandma hadn't thought about it, because when she looks at me, she sees me. When *I* look at me? I still see me the way I was a year and a half ago. Or five years ago. Or whatever. But what I see when I look in a mirror is not the person I am now. And I just cannot seem to compute that with who I am now. And it was brought home, very hard, when I sat down across from her, and nothing squished, and nothing bruised, and a woman who was the size I used to be came in with her husband, and sat at a table across from us. And I realized that I may always think that's how I look, but when other people look at me now, the reason no one stares anymore? The reason they smile and compliment me now? Is because I'm *not* that woman anymore. I'm not the social outcast anymore.

Because I fit into the Denny's booth now. I fit into society now for the most part. I walk up the stairs at the college, to get to where I need to go, I don't need to take the elevator. I walk from the back of the parking lot. And I remember Christmas, Phillip saying "of course you can walk, it's not like we're in a race" when we went to the bookstore and parked out in the boonies. And telling me that if I was feeling so badly that I couldn't walk from where we parked, we shouldn't be there at all. And he was right. It's been a progression. And the end result has been now. Now where I go where I want to. And carry in my groceries by myself. Because I can. Because that's what it is now, right? That I can? And I never realized how much I allowed everyone to do it for me, because I assumed I couldn't do anything, until someone looked at me and said "of course you can." And from that point on, I did. And I have. And I can.

Some days I can't do as much as I'd like. And I wait until the next day, and I do better. I won't ever be able to run like a gazelle. And I don't need to. I'll get there just the same. It might take me a lot longer. But it's not a race to be the fastest. And I'm comfortable with that now. For the girl who five years ago wasn't able to stand up and cook a meal? I'm good with what I have now. I can carry in my groceries. I can walk up and down a flight of stairs multiple times in the same day when I need to. Take a shower. Go swimming. Move a bookcase.

If I seem like I'm giving up? It's because I'm tired, and my energy has run out. It's because I've been beaten down a lot, and sometimes, everybody could use a hug. And I really would like to have back my friends. But I'm haven't broken yet, even when I wanted to. And if I seems like they beat me, I guess they haven't yet. Because I'm still here. I'm still standing. In my own place. On my own two feet.

Someday, it's bound to happen that I'll inevitably run into one or the other of them, somewhere around. And I'm sure when that happens, I'll fall into a big emotional basketcase. But I'll be damned if I'll fall into pieces in front of them. I'll smile, say whatever the appropriate words are at the time. And then walk away. Because it's what they both wanted from me. And whatever my own personal feelings are? It doesn't matter now. Because I genuinely do wish them both the best. All I want is for the people I love to be happy, healthy and taken care of. It's all I've ever wanted for any of the people I love. And they all know it. Whether I can be the person who takes care of them or not, I still want them to be loved and happy.

And I've always been exquisitely skilled at putting on a show of being what is needed. And that now needs to be calm, collected, and just a girl you once knew, who saw you around town, in passing. I can pretend with the best of them that whatever once was between us, is no longer there. I've moved on. You'll see what you need to see.

As I've always done, I'll give them what they need, to be happy.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

I always think I know everything.

At least, I know I can come across that way, a lot of the time. And hey, the reason for that is that it turns out that way all too frequently.

That doesn't mean that I'm always right, and I know that. And it doesn't mean that when things go wrong, I don't hurt for my friends. And I'm just like anyone else in a crisis situation. I don't have the right words to make everything miraculously all right again. I can't fix everything. I can offer words that are meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I can tell you I'll listen if you need me.

And I can sit quietly in my corner, and contemplate how badly all of this sucks. And it does. Because I can remember, unfortunately, all too vividly just how much it *still* sucks that my Daddy is gone. And I still worry, daily, that something will happen to Jack. Every single day. Because I just got him, and the idea that he might suddenly not be there? Is a fact that I simply completely and totally am unprepared to come face to face with the possible reality of. I refuse to acknowledge that it might happen at some point, and will not accept it. Fate is simply not cruel enough to do that to me this soon, and I refuse to allow that.

Because I have no choice in such an event, I simply won't adhere to such an idea, and work from that basis. And I try not to think about it. I cannot imagine anything worse than having to deal with the reality of Brody's current situation. Because I've been having to deal with all kinds of things in the last few weeks that have brought me face-to-face with the reality of mortality and all the surrounding issues of it, I'm not handling any of it well. I simply can't handle it, and so my solution has been to put my head in the sand, and pretend that it's not an option.

And while yes, in reality I realize that won't work as a long-term solution, too much has gone on recently for me to handle much more. But Brody's deal right now wasn't something I could do the ostrich routine for, so I pulled it together, and did what I could, and will continue to do.

But it made me stop and think about the fact that all my normal touchstones are gone. The people I call when *I* need someone to lean on, and cling to. The people who are *my* rocks when it hurts, and I need someone to hug, and know that whether I'm crying or not, they'll understand me, and just be there. And it hurt to realize that in one way or another, that's gone now. And I'm working my way through that now.

I honestly think that I took that harder than I have anything else in the last few months. Not the loss of the "boyfriends". Not the anger, and the lashing out. The realization that I had lost the friendships that meant so much to me, and that in a large way, they were my own fault. I hadn't intended for that to be the result, but it was. In both Phillip's and Danny's cases, they're both gone for the same reason. In order to preserve their own relationships, they can't have a friendship with me, and that made me sad. It hurt, more than anything else, to realize that I lost friendships I truly cherished, and it was in large part my own fault.

I was talking about it with Sissa today, and I know she didn't agree with me, but it was the truth, even though she didn't like it. Phillip didn't walk away from me to just be mean, and I know it. I *hate* admitting it, but at the base of it, he walked away because if he hadn't, he would have lost his chance at a relationship that he wanted more than anything. Yes, he got issued an ultimatum, and he made a choice I didn't like. But that was his choice to make, and not mine. And I had no right to cast stones at him for wanting to be happy, and I know it. Just because I was angry, I had no right to want to hurt him for being happy, simply because I was unhappy. And however much it sucked at the time? He had the right to want to be happy. And we would have stayed friends had *I* not insisted his girlfriend know what had gone on. That was my fault, and the consequences were ones I have to live with. Even my anger has finally worn off. And now all that's left is the loss of a friendship I ruined all by myself.

And I've done the same to my friendship with Danny. Thirteen years gone, because I simply can't keep handling watching him with his new love. The constant petty attacks from her are driving me up the wall, and I just can't keep dealing, and I've cut him out of my life. Because I don't know what else I could do. And while that's my choice, and it was a choice that I know he didn't want me to make, I simply don't know what else to do. I've tried to weigh it from all sides, and my instinct tells me things are not going to improve. I gave it time. I tried space. I tried playing by the new "rules". Nothing seemed to improve anything in any way. Every time I gave in, more was asked, until I simply had nothing left to give. I spent half my time crying, and the other half wanting to scream, or actually yelling at him, for things he had no control over. And that wasn't fair either.

And I care too much about him to want him to be unhappy anymore because of me. He doesn't deserve to be caught between a rock and a hard place. He deserves to move on and be happy, without having to make a choice between the woman he was with for so long, and the woman he's with now. Nobody should have to be stuck in between two women, with an attachment to both. And Danny isn't very good at trying to appease both of us. And I don't want him to hurt anymore. So I walked away.

But Gods, it hurts. And now when I look around, and listen to the silence, and know that there's nothing and no one left to call, and absolutely nobody to cry on? It's frightening. And it's difficult. And I don't know what to think, or how to handle the idea. It's a very empty feeling, knowing that I ruined those friendships, and knowing that I'll never get them back. Some wounds take a long time to heal. Some never do, and I've learned that. They might scar over, but they never completely heal.

Actions have consequences, and all lessons get learned at some point. And while I learned mine, even having learned them doesn't mean that I can get back what I lost.

I wish them well. I hope they'll be happy now. I'm sorry for the pain I caused, and the damage I did. But it doesn't change anything now, and I know that too. Because I've learned that I don't know everything, and I can't always fix everything. Sorry doesn't fix some things. Some injuries are permanent, and some damage is too great to be repaired. And some things you just have to live with.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Daily stuff for me

Daily Tarot Card

Strength
Strength is a card of courage, determination and inner might. You are in a position to deal with whatever comes your way. You have reached a position of influence and no longer need to force your beliefs upon others. You are aware of the temptations that exist, but your ability to resist them is strong. Be careful not to take advantage of your power or risk becoming abusive and destructive. Listen to your inner voice and trust your instincts.

Your Life Path Number is 5
Your Life Path Number represents the path you should take through life and the talents and skills you have to make your journey a rewarding one.

Having a Life Path Number of 5 makes you a keen traveler with a love for freedom. Change is good in your life and is something you strive for. Your heightened curiosity, and love of life, keeps you on the move. Although, you are sometimes perceived as lacking discipline.
Positive Traits
Freedom, Enthusiasm, Clever, Sensual, Adventurous, Prolific
Negative Traits
Rash, Impulsive, Trite, Undirected, Dull
Associations
Tarot: Hierophant
Astrology: Mercury, Venus, Taurus, Leo
Rune: Raidho
I Ching: #15 Ch'ien
Tree of Life: Geburah, Severity (Power)
Hebrew Letter: He', Nun
Shamanism: Bull Elephant
Element: Air, Fire
Alchemy: Earth/Man
Aura: Earth tones
Color: Turquoise
Gemstones: Turquoise, Aquamarine
Crystals: Muscovite, Hornblende
Month: May
Week Day: Tuesday
Lucky Numbers: 1, 3, 7, 9, 14, 23, 32, 41, 50, 59, 68, 77, 86, 95, 104
Flora: Carnation, Gardenia, Primrose

Sunday, August 3
Even a small, genuine effort is better than not trying at all. You have a lot of explaining to do so you had better get to the point quickly. Beating around the bush will only help to intensify the situation. Your anger is causing you to become careless.

Stop flying off the handle over unimportant issues, because one of the down-sides is that you won't have any energy left for the important stuff. Something that has been playing on your mind for some time shows clear signs of resolving itself.


Cancer Love Horoscope
A shift in moods and attitudes occurs at this time that will continue to affect you deeply for a few days. You may be emotionally sensitive now, but often it is difficult for you to clearly express what you are feeling. Try not to take things that are said or done too seriously as you may be hurt more than any one intends for you to be.

Secret word of the week *and* blog post

The secret word of the week is:

"despondent"

I'd intended to use depression, as I'm sure everyone has seen the cheesy television ads where they say things like 'Depression, who does it hurts? Everyone.' Blah blah blah. Not that I particularly watch television, being that I don't have cable, or an antenna or any sort, but the ads run while I'm at my doctor's offices as well, so I've seen them, and every time I watch it, it occurs to me that it's fairly accurate.

Depression does hurt. And it hurts in a lot of ways, and it pains the people around too. I guess I should consider myself lucky sometimes, that there aren't people near me to watch me be miserable, just Ezzie, and he doesn't really understand what's going on. But I decided I'd go with despondent, because for me it isn't depression exactly. I could just go onto anti-depressant medication, and that would probably improve things.

Although honestly, that isn't what I'd intended to be blogging about just now. My blog right now is actually about something entirely different, and I'll be changing gears now. I'm feeling quite snarky on someone else's behalf.

My Sissa, the one who makes me challah bread, and took me in for a month and a half to try and straighten me out a while back, and spends half her time putting me, and everybody else she knows back together? The one who never has anything negative to say about anybody? The one with the kids, and the pets, and the 24/7 juggling act that she somehow manages to keep all the balls in the air of most of the time?

That Sissa? A colossal jackass thought it would be fun yesterday to corner her alone, while she had all three of her kids with her, and lay into her verbally. And with foul language and no regard for the fact that the kids were there and heard every word, this supposed gentleman shoved his nose into business he had no business being in the middle of, and made her cry. And now I'm pissed off, and I haven't yet decided whether or not I will be putting my two cents into things.

I figure that all bets are currently off. It's one thing for points A and B to be having a conversation. But if a third party hops into the middle of things he has no business getting into, and Sissa ends up crying and upset, and the kids have to hear it, because he has the manners of a goat? Then there's no reason I can't rip him a new asshole. Obviously, he has no respect for common courtesy, and no problem butting into other people's business. And thus, should have no problem with my being involved in said business. Otherwise, he wouldn't have been involved in the first place, correct?

I knew all the details of what was going on. Of course I did. Hell, I even have the means and resources to have reached all the important parties. I didn't, because hey, none of my business, right? And those same courtesies should have applied. But since they didn't, and he decided to attack a woman alone, with three children, at a family function. Well, then he deserves what's coming to him. And honestly? I'm not as nice as she is.

You want to ream Sissa and call her names? I can think of a few names you deserve to be called, starting with interfering overbearing asshole, and ending with self-righteous idiotic cocksucker. And yes, using that sort of language will, I'm sure, make you think I'm somewhat less than a lady. And you know what? I don't give a damn. You're certainly not a gentleman, to go and attack someone who *is* a lady, like Sissa. Me, personally? Kids or not, I'd've punched you. I would have sat Lauren on the ground, and hauled off and planted my fist in your face had you said the things to me that you said to her, and then I would have walked inside, and told the entire house full of people what you called me. But then again, a lady, I'm not.

Sissa was a lady all the way through, as all she did was put her children in the car, and leave. Argh!!!

Okay, I think I might be done ranting for right this second. And now, I'm going to go and take another round of Benadryl, and go back to sleep. As I said last night, I plan to sleep until I think I'm fit to pass for human interaction again.

Good word of the week to all, and to all...something or other.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Benadryl and avoidance

It's 8:16 p.m., I'm taking Benadryl and my cat, and going to bed. I plan to spend a substantial amount of time sleeping, until I feel like a passable human again, or at least somewhat civil. Or at least have the ability to fake it. The house phone and both cells have the ringers off, whilst I stay in my allergy-drug-induced coma for the foreseeable future.

Don't bother me, because at this point, the entire world can collapse for all I care, and I still won't answer the phone, and it won't matter who you are, I still won't pick it up, or answer the front door.

And that would include Danny, Phillip, and everybody else at this point. I just want to sleep, and be left alone. All of you seem to think that I'd grab the phone or the door frantically for certain people, primarily those two, and at this point? Even they wouldn't get the time of day. So don't go thinking it's personal. I just want to be left alone.

Goodnight.

wonderful

I'm so tired. Do you ever feel that way? A deep in the bones exhaustion? As though you just want to go and find a nice quiet cave, and pull the covers over your head, take a big bottle of sleeping pills, and go to sleep, and never wake up? There are days when I would dearly love to do that.

I realize that it's impractical to go and do that, and I am much too stubborn to give in to that sort of melodramatic bullshit. But there are days when it would just be so simple to go to sleep and not wake up. And today is definitely one of those days.

I dropped off the rent check this morning, and all of my bills are paid. Hooray? I know, I know, it's probably something I should be more excited about. And I am, realistically. It's good, knowing that everything is going as well as it is. I finally have the house more or less running well, and school will start soon. I'm pretty excited about that, and scared as well.

And I'm actually pretty happy with my life, truth be told. I've been asked out three different times in the last couple of weeks, even though I'd turned them down. I'm not going to continue turning them down anymore, well, some I will, because eww, white boys are still not my thing, but some of the others who have asked seemed like it might be fun. But in general, most of the time? I'm pretty happy I guess.

And then there are days like today. When the hours stretch out before me, and I just don't know what to do with myself. It's sad, really. I could watch movies. Play video games. Play with the computer or surf the internet. I have things I can do. I have myriad books to read, which are finally back out on the bookcases, so they're easily accessible. And there's absolutely nothing I want to do. So here I sit, writing a blog, whining about how bored I am, and how restless, and how I don't know what to do with myself.

And that's the joke, right? A houseful of things to entertain myself with, and none of it is appealing, and I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk to anyone, not really. And the incessant chatter in my head is overwhelming me, with all the things I want to say, or things I want to do, that I'm unwilling to, because I have too much personal responsibility to take those types of actions. Too much class maybe? Perhaps. Possibly that I won't break the law, that might be it. There are certain personal rules I won't break within myself. So I'll sit, and stew, and essentially drive myself quietly insane, and play with my cat, and glare angrily at my computer monitor, and wait for this, too, to pass.

I don't know. I just want everything to stop. I've cut every tie I can think of, broken every connection, and severed every cord. If I could think of anything else to do, I would. And from the other angle that's bothering me, and making me unhappy? I broke all those ties as well. And just walked away, and have done my best to think about it as little as possible, which works out most of the time.

I've filled my days and my nights with other activities, new hobbies, anything at all to distract and distance myself from how things used to be, and it worked.

And now I'm just tired. And I want to go to sleep, and dream a dreamless sleep, where nothing hurts, and I think about nothing. And I just never wake up, so that in the end, there just is nothing anymore, because it would be easy. And I want it to be easy now. Because I am so very tired of it being difficult. Of having to cope, and having to find a solution to problems alone. And of having to put on a good show for everyone of how very well I'm doing, and that everything is wonderful now.

(playing - Wonderful: Everclear)

Friday, August 1, 2008

*ahem*

I was going to rant. I'm actually still in the mood to rant, and I suppose I could. But I'm awfully tired, and while my mind is still revving my entire body is honestly too exhausted for me to work up the energy for a good strong lambasting.

Anyone who knows me well knows that at a certain point I go past the point of being pissy and yelling and wanting to punch something, and I get quiet. I'm no longer violent and vicious. No longer loud. I am quiet, and calm. Still angry, and it's a very controlled anger. And that is when anyone who truly knows me well knows that it's time to duck, cover, and run. And to leave me the hell alone, until the dust has settled, and just wait for whatever it is that's set me off to be over.

I haven't had a hair-trigger temper for a very long time now. I still don't. But I have no reached the point of calm. My yelling and being loud is over now. I have nothing left to say to anyone, and no venting to be done. I have nothing left to *say*, which is all I've done for months now. I've been angry, and my solution to that anger was to simply let it out, yell, and be finished with it.

I will not say that I'm not upset, and that I'm not angry. I'm furious. And I'm calm. I'm very calm. It has taken me months of abuse and just basic run of the mill bullshit. Things that have been categorized "misunderstandings" small and large. Things I have been asked to let roll off my back, and to simply let go, by a variety of people.

And through it all? I have stood here, and been asked to be the bigger person, and to accept the unfathomable, in the name of friendship. Sometimes as a favour. Sometimes because it preyed on my sense of loyalty, and my sense of honour and commitment. Because I don't attack unprovoked, and I don't go after people weaker than myself, or kick people when they're down.

And when angry? I vented to people I thought I could trust, who I was under the impression understood or cared enough about me to allow me that.

I have since learned that I was wrong, and I misjudged things. And now I'm finished. I have learned some valuable lessons this last year. Learned them the hard way, to be sure, but learned them, nonetheless.

And I've come out the other side now, calm, collected, and very, very angry. And with no more sympathy and no more regard for the lies or the betrayals of others. And no more patience of the caustic remarks, or the underhanded manipulations, or the attempts at effecting my life. *My* life. The life I have rebuilt from scratch, out of nothing, because there was nothing left but ashes from a bad decision. A life that I'm finally reasonably happy with, and productive in, and handling on my own.

A life that I won't allow anyone or anything to infringe on, or attempt to ruin, simply because they think they have the right to impact it, just because it amuses them. And some people are going to find out the hard way, that the person I am, and the person I was? To a certain extent, are still the same person. I'm not anyone's doormat, and no one can control me. I don't follow orders from *anyone*.

I have, in the past, chosen to acquiesce when it suited me, because I cared enough for someone to make their lives easier, or to help them out. But not because I was ordered to, or for any other reason than my own personal whims. Evidently there are a great many acquaintances of mine that didn't get the memo that explained how my basic personality functions, and that who they thought they were dealing with? Was not, in fact, a simple pushover.

Yes, I am very loyal. Yes, I can be, and have been, very kind to people. It takes a great deal to push me over the edge to the point where I will cause pain to someone that I love, knowing that it's going to wound them. But once I hit that point? Everyone who truly knows me, that once I hit that point, the fallout from my revenge tactics can be both long-lasting, irreparable, and frightening.

None of them are illegal. None of them are physical. And none of them have ever been predictable. And I can wait a long, long time before I bother to get even with someone. But I can and will, always, get even. And I've always found one of my favourite quotations to be "revenge is a dish best served cold".

And I have been pushed well past my breaking point. Heed the warning: I've grown tired of playing petty bullshit games. I have nothing further to say to anyone on the subject of the little drama-fest that has so dragged out for months. I've finished with discussing it now.

I'll go my way, and everyone else can go theirs. I don't want to hear about it, I don't want to discuss it. I don't want to hear anything further, from anyone.

Don't. Push. Me.